Napoleon Bloom, District 6

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You know your French well
Didn't take any decision so far
Hit me like a freight train
Please consider my request

( N A M E ) Napoleon Amadeus Bloom
( N I C K N A M E S ) Poe
( A G E ) 18
( G E N D E R ) Male
( D I S T R I C T / A R E A ) District Six

You do expect a Messiah
You want to be European
I would be your Bonaparte
Don't ever care
'Bout what Napoleon says

( A P P E A R A N C E )

Napoleon Bloom is here to teach you a little something about je ne sais quoi. Now, he might not fully understand the meaning of the phrase, but he knows he's got it and he'd be more than happy to show you exactly where he thinks all that quoi is located. No worries, he's legal — at least when it comes to age. Possessing an intangible quality that sets him apart from a crowd, there's a certain something about him that's difficult for people to put their finger on, but he sure enjoys it when the ladies try.

This extra spark of somethin' somethin' is enough to make Napoleon feel like he always has a reason to get his swagger on. Strutting down the street with his head held high and perhaps a little too much swing in his hips, there's never a day that passes where he's not foolishly convinced he's completely untouchable. Perhaps this is what gives him the brazen confidence to let his words run unchecked, prattling on as if peacekeepers were little more than troublesome puppies he hasn't finished house training yet, but he'd rather give credit to his mouth itself. The boy has a big ol' grin and knows how to use it, baring his pearly whites any time he finds himself caught in a stitch of trouble, as if the reflection off them might be enough to blind people to his misconducts. One would think he'd be content to rely on his full lips to attract notice to that cheeky smirk, but he's a connoisseur when it comes to overkill and likes to rock the pedocreeper 'stach just to be sure your attention is precisely where he thinks it belongs.

Lest you worry that he's just too much man to handle, Napoleon has thoughtfully compacted himself into his finely crafted 5'6" frame, specifically for your convenience. Oh yes, he is in complete and conscious control of his body's genetic decisions, thank you very much. Luck can't make someone look this good. So don't you dare call him short — especially not when his younger brother is towering eight inches over him showing off his excessive height as if his gangling limbs were something to take pride in. There's absolutely no jealousy here, no Napoleon complex ruffling up the meticulously preened feathers of this shawty. Just one glance at those poetically deep, cello brown eyes and it's obvious that his stature was deliberately chosen for your benefit; it was simply a sacrifice he felt compelled to make for your sake.

Now, before you attempt to follow in the godly footsteps of your newfound idol and object of desire, please remember that it takes a lot of work to look this good... unless you're just that good. Only then can you roll out in the morning with your dark hair styled up with nothing more than some sexyfine bedhead and your inherent panache. However, if a little bling and some technicolor enhances all that natural charm, then so be it. Someone has to put the urban in urbane and a dash of blasé flamboyancy makes a man look debonair. On that note, Napoleon would like to remind you that he doesn't look ridiculous; you do. Haters gonna hate.

Look out, look at, look at me
Calm down, calm down
I said to myself this time
Look at what you look like
You know it suits you well

( P E R S O N A L I T Y )

Our next lesson will cover the how's and to's of chilling the eff out. Life just isn't that hard — pinkie promise. When things get rough and tough, simply remember that change brings new possibilities. Being an opportunist like Napoleon is a life skill that will help you find the gold platinum silver who cares as long as it's valuable lining to any unfortunate circumstance that befalls you, because, like any top-notch profiteer, he has quite the knack for finding fortune in even the unluckiest of situations. While others might let a little destitution get them down, he figures the only place to go is right back up and with his Machiavellian wait, what does coffee have to do with this sensibilities, he's got options. Instead of dwelling on what has been lost to misfortune, he's focused on survival. So until his teeth get knocked out, he plans to face catastrophe with a smile — hopefully one that's enigmatic enough to distract from his thieving resourceful fingers.

This rather auspicious way of thinking has led to allegations of manipulative behavior. However, all accusations concerning such nonsense are completely true unfounded and are simply vicious rumors borne from jealousy, because who wouldn't be envious of all this, natch. Napoleon would like to assure you that, despite what you may have heard, he has only his your best interests at heart; he most certainly cares about your well being seeing as how it's more difficult to benefit from people if they have nothing worth taking. Blasphemous talk of him being a self-centered egomaniac who's only out to shake you down for the coins he hears jangling in your pockets is simply rubbish. Oh sure, Napoleon cares about Napoleon, just like he knows you care about Napoleon; we've all got our priorities. That doesn't mean his concern for you isn't genuine, merely that his definition of sincerity may be a little less traditional than yours.

Slander and cockiness aside, not even his harshest critics would dare to imply that he is truly incapable of making sacrifices for the sake of another person. If there's one thing he's willing to risk his precious neck to protect, of course it's himself, but he also knows he's bigger than his own body. Blood is a connective bond that can't be broken and, in his mind, that means the family he shares it with has a little piece of Napoleon Bloom in each of them too. Likewise, proof of loyalty to his friends can only be shown in one way: a blood bond. A blood brother earns his allegiance for life, which is no small commitment especially coming from someone so selfish. Other friendships are simply a sea of attentive faces that live to bask in his glory and reaffirm his shallow sense of self-worth.

Now, don't get the wrong idea. This kind of vanity is a virtue — it inspires self-confidence and that's something that can't be easily taken from you unlike houses, loved ones, and respect. When things start to slip away, you need to hold onto whatever's left and make the best of it: smile at your sister even though she's so much like your dead mother; strut like a golden god regardless of your empty pockets; speak passionately as if you didn't drop out of school before you learned what your words actually meant. Insist with conviction — and a flex of your biceps — and you can convince people of anything. A silver tongue can quickly turn you into a smooth criminal despite the way you clumsily trip over yourself when no one is looking and kick the wall in petty, short tempered retaliation. Words will return you to grace and gracefulness. Sound as if you know what you're doing and people will forget that you're making everything up as you go along.

Napoleon says to take off your coat
Take off your long johns too
Napoleon says to take off your coat
Take off your long johns too

( H I S T O R Y )

Please keep this in mind: Napoleon doesn't want your two-bit pity; doesn't want your charitable words; doesn't want your sympathetic looks. Such things don't pay rent or buy food — they only make him feel small and Aesop's the only one allowed to do that. There was a time when he wouldn't have wanted your money either; now each smile has a price tag, but you better believe they're worth every penny. His quiet childhood often feels like someone else's memory, a wistful morphling hallucination he can't shake off and he wouldn't want to mess up that carefully styled hair trying to. The carefree days of his youth, spent practicing magic and attending his sister's imaginary tea parties, have turned into fairy tales against the aftermath of their mother's death and Napoleon has grown far too manly for story time.

Those innocent magic tricks turned into criminal cons almost as quickly as Napoleon's innate street smarts proved to be infinitely more valuable than the utterly useless education school provided for him. What's the use of grammar when you possess the power of persuasion? It didn't take long for him to realize that the only math he needed to know was money and how chemistry was better learned through substance abuse hands-on experience than a textbook. You see, history lessons are of trivial importance when there are mouths to be fed — namely his own — and his crippled father was literally unable to step up as the family provider. Uninterested in callousing his own delicate hands, Napoleon left the laborious work in the medicinal factories to his brother and masterminded more lucrative employment for himself: drug trafficking.

Hatching a plan that was one half stolen medications, one half wheeling, and one half dealing, it didn't matter that the parts never quite added up, because the excess was all profit. Sure, it may be a highly dangerous and illegal business for the brothers Bloom to operate, but consequences is a very long word that Napoleon dropped out of school before learning. The only thing he ever worries about is the guilt prickling in the back of his mind it tickles whenever they pinch a few pills from their stash to sate their addictions for recreational use. Corrupting his baby brother was never an intention, so while he thinks Aesop's continued love of magic is exceptionally geektastic, he keeps his opinions to himself; he knows the gangly seventeen-year-old is Peter Pan minus the flying and fairies and part of Napoleon wants Aesop to stay a child too.

Fortunately, such nagging concerns along with brain cells he wasn't using anyway fade away as the morphling lulls him into sweet oblivion. He's convinced that the drug whispers the secrets of life to him and habitually takes the doped-up opportunity to preach these inane babblings of pure twaddle enlightened street gutter philosophies to his fellow trippers. After regaining his senses or at least consciousness, it's back to work as he prowls District Six's sketchier stomping grounds for new business opportunities. As the friendly neighborhood drug kingpin, he always fancies a chance for fiscal expansion. So put your stunna shades on and get ready to take notes — he's about to teach you how he runs these streets.

Napoleon says to come over here
Bring back your long johns too
Napoleon says to come over here
Bring back your long johns too

( C O D E W O R D ) Odair
( F A C E C L A I M ) Yoo Ah In

( C O M M E N T S / O T H E R )

Aesop's brotha, natch. See his profile for a more technical breakdown of the Bloom family history.

Napoleon Says by Phoenix

Look out, look out, look out
Don't get yourself excited
Calm down, calm down, calm down
Go get yourself a white horse

( O T H E R S P E A K I N G ) 9B611C
( T E X T ) DDA025
( O T H E R ) D1B041
( S P E A K I N G ) EFD665
( T H I N K I N G ) EEDD99

Right hand in a trench coat
Right hand in a trench coat