hedonist's prayer ❅ dot&hespie

[Deleted]

I try so hard, and then I just break. It's a cycle that even my quietest of prayers can't break - I hate my family, a confession burned into my chest. I don't want to, I promise I don't want to, please, but there's never room to breathe. I don't know when it happened, but I resent my father for letting Ripred find me. 

All I want to be is the right daughter. My brothers can do no wrong; can drink whatever, can say whatever, can fuck whoever. Well, when the sun goes down, so can I. When night comes and Ripred closes his eyes, I feel as if I can finally open my own. Sunday morning, I rise, we hold service for hours as my father preaches, and I've trained myself to endure it without embracing it anymore. When I was a child, the church was a second home, but then my mother stopped viewing me as such. 

I became a woman, and I hated it. 

But a woman can do as she pleases, that's something Ripred hid from me. If my mind is so plagued, then I don't believe I ever had a chance of not being condemned - I want to live. Just a taste of what my brothers can have, even if it tears me alive the morning after. Sunday night, we pray over our food and after dinner, my father and I read scripture. My mother cleans alone, cooks alone, loves alone, yet I am supposed to want that? 

This? Any of this? When my parents are asleep, I recede too, with an alarm set for midnight. Monday beings, my sins reset, and I leave through the back door. Even in the night, I wear my sunday's best, with earrings my mother would never approve of. Their judgement follows me until I make it to the lumber mill, and the music drowns it all out.

It drowns me out - so utterly different from my true life. But even for a few hours, I can enjoy the burn of vodka shots and devil's music that sounds oh so like home. It feels dangerous, to watch other women perform on stage, to be in the crowd barring witness to it all. I want to be on that stage, I don't dare repeat that thought. But still, I stand and watch from the pit, fixated on a vixen with silver hair. 

Do I want to be her?  

The answer scares me, because I know it so quickly.  

❅         H     E     S     P     I     E        ❅

table by: z o e

[ryan]

she chopped wood in the morning so she could have her nights free. time was always an illusion to her, another year passing just felt like another day. she was on her own now, told by her parents that she could find a job and somehow take care of herself. maybe it was retribution for dot taking up more resources then they had, or maybe they just didnt want to deal with her insubordination when it came to their rules. it wasnt every day that dot would not follow them, but it did happen often enough on the important days.

she never understood why everything had to be treated like an emergency.

so she left.

they had given her more than enough instruction on how to survive in the real world. the realm of possibilities were limited, but only if dot let them stop her. she learned to lean on her friends, her found sisters. all of them had made it a point to make sure that she was loved and accepted, even more so when she brought her strength to the table. she was one of the only girls in the district that could last longer when chopping wood. she supplied the wood so they could build their own log cabin in the wood. she didnt give a damn if people would say that she couldnt, this was a dog eat dog world, and grasping at things like the way she did separated her from the sheep.

the house became a home of witchy proportions. the forresters had normalized the vibes, and as long as human sacrifice wasnt going on, no one paid too much mind. the moon had always shined just enough for it to always be the witching hour if dot believed hard enough. her sisters had always been more in tune with their natural powers, but dot had been coming into her own. her strength was an asset, but she still had a lot to learn about living for herself.

she had finally taken time out of her day to go out and enjoy the nightlife that she had been used to in district seven. a party at a lumber mill. the perfect setting for a night of frivolity and mischief. she already had a drink in her hand moments after she walked into the party. she heard screams from across the room, and thats when she realized that her sisters were already here. they ran up to her and hugged her, telling dot about their day as they lived it. time passed, and that is when they realized that this party was just beginning.

the bacchanalia was in full force when the entertainment had started. dots eye had been on the stage for a moment until she had realized that there was somewhat always watching her from a far. dot smirked for a moment, her drink nursed poorly as she threw it back and listened to the performer in the middle of the floor. she felt an aura of hesitation but not from the eyes peering through her.

from herself.

she looked at the girl, locked eyes with her and decided to give a head nod to motion that she was in fact, approachable. she turned her back to the table she had been sitting at and leaned back just enough, arms perched out to show that she was open to conversation.

even if it was just for the night.

[Deleted]

Stolen glances feel damned, as if I'm not the only one who knows I shouldn't be here.

What am I thinking? My parents would think me crazy if she knew where I was, what I was doing- what I was thinking. There's a shame I carry in the same hand I hold my parents' judgements, I've held onto these for so long I hardly notice it's outside of myself. What would they think, what would they think, for one night I'd like to care less.

That's the goal, anyways.

The loud music helps drown it all out and remind me where I am, somewhere so unnatural to myself. Somehow I'm surrounded in the room, yet I stand completely isolated, staying to myself as I meander through the pit of dancers. The smell of sweat is almost sweet in here, a lumber mill that comes alive at night. I've been here before, once, and I hadn't even finished my drink before leaving- scared. Whenever someone notices me, I feel so sick, but the longer I go on my own the more I yearn for that illness.

She notices me, and I feel as if I'll die right there. It rings in my ears and my cheeks burn the second I feel seen, and it feels impossible to swallow the fear. The anticipation, the what if's - this is stupid, I think to myself. I can't deny myself forever, but for a few seconds it feels comfortable, to act as if I never even saw the beautiful girl with bleached white hair. It'd be easier that way, to just go back home and sneak back into my bedroom. Live another day without another sin, another strike, another mistake.

Well, fuck it, I almost laugh to myself when I start making my way to her and her friends. I'll be that when I get home, but I might as well come alive while no one's looking.

No one but her. "I saw you looking," I say, pulling from a pit of confidence I forget I have - or did she catch me staring? "Are you a Forrester?" Mama always told me to avoid those Forresters: heretics. That's what she'd say to me, calling them hellions and maniacs. They turned from God and dance still- maybe that's what I can do, just for tonight. The bartender looks at me and still I just nod, I don't drink.

"I've heard they can get pretty crazy," and I need someone to show me how.

❅         H     E     S     P     I     E        ❅

table by: z o e

[ryan]

the sound of the music had started to cut through the thoughts that dot was having. it wasnt like they were coherent enough to actually be formed into ideas. the music was a welcomed intruder though, nestling in her mind as she tried to figure out what was going to come next. she was never good at planning anything out, and even worse at trying to see things through to the end. fight or flight was the name of the game when it came to dot, no matter how confident she was in a situation.

she was always green lit for a gaslight.

so keeping her eyes on the other was the first thing she wanted to focus on. so many people crossed her eyesight, but she did not stop for them. in fact, she moved right past them because none of them actually caught her attention like the other girl did. she probably could have headed to the makeshift bar and ordered a drink in order to provide her some courage, but dot didnt need it. her sisters thought so much more of her because she already had confidence dripping from every nook and cranny of her body.

however, the real question was, did dot know how to tap into it?

"me looking? or youre staring?" she tried to lean into it, because that is what her sisters would have done as well. sure, she did not know how to channel it like she should have, but this was not a competition. this was a battlefield on a war zone that was more fragile then the brittle wood created by termites. "either way, uh, hi? hello?" dot continued at she gave a light smile to the other girl, her confidence waining slightly as she knew she needed to capitalize on the momentum that she had already created.

are you a forrester?

this was not the first time she had been asked that question, and she figured that it would never be the last time. not many people had bleached white hair like dot did. a part of her wondered if she actually was related to the forresters, after all, it would make sense. however, her parents never really talked about their past. in fact, that was probably one of the reasons she decided to move out when she did. her parents always tried to find a way to avoid the topic. dot knew she could have went to the source, but she clearly, didnt want to provoke a sleeping bear.

she knew better than that.

"yknow? i dont actually know." she smirked for a moment, taking a moment take in her surroundings, like she would get in trouble for not knowing something that was never shared with her in the first place. "i might not be able to get crazy like a forrester, but im sure that i can show you a good time." dot exuded more confidence as the situation played out, she could only imagine what it was going to be like when they had a chance to have some privacy. one on one conversations were always better when the setting was intimate after all.

"unless you are looking for a forrester specifically?" dot laughs a little, the music starting to cut into her thoughts again. "did you want to grab a drink?" she gestures to the bar, "or maybe a dance?" she then looked at the dance floor.

both were looking to be slain.

[Deleted]

The entire ordeal feels... electric.

It's the best way she can describe it, there's a surge of emotions in her that comes with each song. Her nerves were sure to be fried once she leaves, but for now she rides each high as it comes, whether it be excitement or utter fear. It feels almost desperate, how badly she wants to be liked in this moment, though why she couldn't quite put her finger on it. Only that the creature in front of her was beautiful, and she wanted to be beautiful too.

Do you think I'm beautiful?

"I wasn't- I wasn't staring!" She can deny however much she likes, but her gaze was just as greedy as it was careless. Hesperos had lost herself in the eye contact, once she breaks it she doesn't know quite where to look. At the crowd? At the bar? She smiles sheepishly at the gorgeous girl's friends, a surplus of sirens all in arms reach but she focuses on the one with ghost-blonde hair, a fixture of her attention. 

She is no Forrester, but she plays the part well. If she had lied, Hespie would have known none the difference. A part of her felt a wave of relief, she wasn't ready to dive that deep yet - her mother would disapprove even more than her God would. How can something this pretty be evil? She feels the temptation in her lips and her finger tips, a beckoning. 

"...but I'm sure I could show you a good time," she says with a smirk, with a dastardly smirk, and Hespie feels hexed. 

Oh, how she wants it, "that's exactly what I'm looking for," she says, cutting through the nerves telling her otherwise. Don't do it, go home, be a good girl - she tries her hardest to drown it out, and the music certainly helps. What's the worst that can happen? She feels as if there's a hundred walls up that she has to work through before she can get to her, the non-Forrester. "Did you want to grab a drink," she asks, "or maybe a dance?" 

"Yes!" She blurts out without much thought; yes, yes, just yes, please. 

She wanted to experience it all and none of it all at once, her wits felt at war with her common sense, but whatever was coming over her was winning. "To, um, both, I think," Hespie clarifies with a blush in her cheeks, "a drink to start would be nice. I've only ever had wine before though," perhaps she's in over her head, and perhaps the other girl knew it before Hespie did. 

"I'm Hespie, by the way, I don't really do... this," an admission that hardly needed to be spoken, it's told in the way she carries herself and the way she stutters when they lock eyes. "So show me what you drink, I can keep up," always the wishful thinker. She felt at the epicenter of the chaos, she may as well commit to the cause head first. 

❅         H     E     S     P     I     E        ❅

table by: z o e