'at long last, [DEE]

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∂αмєη
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'at long last, [DEE] Jan 21, 2013 22:46:49 GMT -5

Post by ∂αмєη on Jan 21, 2013 22:46:49 GMT -5

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From the moment of leaving the warmth of my bed, I knew very well that today would be one of those days. Besides being the day that all of us had to fear, it would certainly come with the regrets and regular pain. The reaping. Choosing an outfit was tougher than it ever had been. Opening the small door to my standing wardrobe and looking in at the articles of clothing brought back too many painful memories. You were doing this so many years ago, Trace. A white long sleeve soon came out and covered my bare chest from the chilly cold of my room. Following that was the beige button up. Rolling up the sleeves and placing an old watch on my wrist while never taking my eyes off the mirror, I was slowly preparing for the day that would either save my life for an eternity or lead me right to my death like it had him.

After putting on fancy slacks and some proper shoes, I bundled up for the warmer temperatures with a thick coat and a scarf. My parents were never one to decide what I was to aware. In fact, they preferred to just get the day over with so as to move on with life with their two kids nearby. That was no problem for my sister. She was passed the age of eligibility by now. And that's why today means so much to me. It's my very last day. My gaze remains on the mirror, never leaving the reflection's eyes. To me, it was as if I was looking at my brother one last time. After today, I would not have a reminder as to why I no longer had my old best friend. The reaping days would be finished for me. I, Tanner Rowgan would be at my most vulnerable this year between having so many slips in there and the Capitol enjoying a good show. But at least it was my final year.

Europa and I had spent many nights worrying about it. We would both be done our eligibility after the two names were spoken. As long as neither of us had the sudden urge to volunteer, we would be done with The Games until both of us had children of our own at some point. My wife and her husband would then have to worry about losing a loved one. But her and I would be used to it. She had lost her brother Storm in the first place. In fact, I cheered for him throughout all of the 57th Games. Little did I know his sister that was the same age as I was would become my absolute best friend once we both met and realized we were on the same page. But her page became even more depressing as time went on. Her eldest sister, a girl my brother knew well enough to discuss with me at home, died in the Games as well after having making it so far.

And since then, we haven't wanted to ever lose one another. In reality, we were all the other had. Parents could only help with the pain that was felt to a certain degree. A best friend that would listen to you and never judge the feelings you felt was ideal in a situation such as this one. And whether or not we actually did click like most friends should or if it was just that we understood each other so well, we were the best of friends. I knew how she felt and the same went for her to me. We could always count on each other if we needed some help in anything. And it was the best thing I could ever ask for after having lost my best friend. My brother. The only person that truly knew who I was and not just who I tried to be in order to remain liked by the kids that attended my school. Or rather, had attended the school I once went to. I was done with it now since I finished my last class.

Eyes stared back at mine from that damn mirror still. His eyes. My eyes. Eyes everywhere. They were afraid. They were sad. They were angry. And I knew deep down I wasn't strong enough on my own on days like this. It had been long enough now that I didn't feel the mind and body numbing sadness but there were times when I'd feel the anger. Knowing that I couldn't do anything would just fill me with a rage that I had never experienced before all of this happened. Why had he been arrested? Why had he been reaped? And why did it have to have such an effect on somebody like me? Of all people that deserved to feel such a great amount of pain, it was me that was chosen. Europa knew how I felt. And I think she agreed with everything I would say. Why us? Well, why not, I suppose?

But I couldn't take the stare. And so I turned away and headed through the door into the main room of the second floor. No eyes followed. Thankfully. I would have broken down right then and there. Today was a hard enough day with the reaping and all. I wouldn't need more pain to just build up on me as I allowed the memories to consume me, the regrets to destroy me and the anger to dictate who I would eventually become. Somehow, all of this would seem better once I saw her. That's how we survived. Or at least, that's how I survived. Leaning on her, emotionally and mentally, was what kept me standing in this sick world. And I would always be there to hold up if she ever needed it. So I headed out the front door as fast as I could in order to be there as support for her. After all, our future would be decided within a short hour.

Most people claim that the finest details can be observed at times like this. For me, it seemed as if everything was spinning and racing by. People were unrecognisable - except for her - as they passed by me. Voices were drowned out as the classic ceremony went on. And the only important part was the name. The first was read slowly and as it sank in I realized that she was safe. Europa would be safe for the rest of her life. And I felt elated to know that. But the moment was drawing near. One name. Only one name would be said. And at this moment, time seemed to near a complete stop. One name. One single name.

Trace Rowgan!

Tanner Rowgan!

Europa Wie!

Trace Rowgan-

"William Woodham!"

And just like that, everything was alright. We were safe. Entirely safe. Looking directly at her, I allowed myself to smile the biggest smile I had ever made in years. Because it was merited. The rest of the ceremony went by fast and once we were dismissed, I ran through the large crowd and made our way to our place as soon as I could. The old abandoned barn nearby the border of the District was used to store the farming equipment that some of the wealthier farmers wished to hold onto despite the industry changes. And since the wealthy always had priorities, they were allowed to keep all of it. Unlike my family who had had everything destroyed by a crew of two or three officers. Just like that. But the barn was a perfect place to shield us from the cold and to just sit and talk. And it's where I had said we would meet after the reaping. After our future was decided.

And the decision was a good one. For once, we were given a chance. At long last, we could live.

And that's exactly what I intended on doing.

all I need's a whisper in a world that only shouts

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'at long last, [DEE] Jan 22, 2013 0:08:12 GMT -5

Post by ᕙʕ•ᴥ•ʔᕗ on Jan 22, 2013 0:08:12 GMT -5

No matter what happens, you can get through this.

Even if your name is called, you will accept your fate.

You already did three years ago.

My hands couldn’t stop shaking as I dressed myself in a simple for Storm always found simple best but appropriate as Sundra would have told me that I still needed to look my best dress. Each button kept slipping through my trembling fingers and I felt nausea creep up, just like it always had for the past three years. Because I knew the Capitol was out to get me like they did with Sundra and Storm; it was only a matter of when. I was eighteen, and not only was it their last opportunity, but also the cursed year. No one ever talked about it to my face, but I knew what they were thinking.

I was a Wie.

I was eighteen.

Those two statements could only mean that my chances of being reaped that year would be higher than anyone else’s. Even if I had taken out fewer tesserae than some of the other eighteen-year-olds in District 5—Storm and Sundra made sure that I wouldn’t have to and they ended up dying for it—I was sure every family believed that my name was going to be read that day. Even my family. Mother was slowly starting to improve after the first two years, and by that day, she could be seen around the house more. But the day before, she made a greater effort to be where I was, asking me mundane questions that she probably already knew the answer to. And Father…well, he was a tough guy.

I wasn’t afraid for only myself though, despite what everyone said about the “Wie curse”. I still had a little sister I wanted to protect. Perhaps I had been a little bit too protective as she tried to ignore all of my warnings about the dangers the world presented, but I wanted her to stay safe. She might not have noticed—or she just did not care—but I loved her with all my heart and I was scared that she would be taken away from me too. I was born the second youngest of four; I was not ready to become an only child. So I tried to keep her close to me, prevented her from exploring she would get hurt all the time, and did my best to be a parent to her as my older siblings were to me.

And there was Tanner. I had met Tanner after Storm was killed in the Games and we had bonded over the loss of our brothers. It always sounded morbid whenever I tried to explain why we were so close, but it was the truth. We both understood what it was like to lose an older sibling in the Games. It was also Tanner who helped me get through Sundra’s death as well. I never knew what Tanner thought as we managed to escape the Games each year, but I was always scared of what would happen if he was gone too. We were not one-of-a-kind; there were many siblings of tributes in District 5. Our chance encounter, however, led to a great friendship and deep in my heart, I knew that if Tanner wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have gotten to where I was that day. And today was going to be his last day too.

My family walked to the town square and after saying a few short words to my parents I could not risk crying that day, I walked up to my place with the other eighteen-year-old girls. Adults. Women. Whatever we were at that point. I watched Io as she walked over to the girls at her age, and then looked over to where Tanner would be. I wasn’t sure if he caught my gaze, but when I saw his head turned in my direction, I gave him a weak smile. I was ashamed I couldn’t give him more confidence, but I could still feel the butterflies flutter in my stomach and tried to hold everything in.

The escort for District 5 I had long forgotten his name pulled out the first slip of paper, and I felt ready to pass out. When the name he called out was neither Io’s nor mine, a quick sigh of relief escaped me before my breath was once again held in anticipation for the next name. The escort pulled out the second name and once the name was read, I could feel my whole body relax for Tanner and I were done. Completely. Allowed to live. I looked back towards Tanner and saw that he was smiling at me. Because we would be able to live. I smiled back at him and turned my attention back to the reaping.

Was I allowed to be happy? I would never have to go through standing there, wondering if my name or Tanner’s name was going to be drawn but what about the others? What about Io? As the ceremony ended and I watched Tanner bolt off, I knew that that would be a thought for another time. We had made it through, and that was something worth celebrating. I met up with my family—as per our usual routine—but excused myself quickly because I knew where Tanner was headed and would not let our meeting delay another minute.

Just seeing the barn a reminder of our past—a past that I was once a part of made me happy. It was a meeting place Tanner had chosen the last time we met, and it would be the place where we could talk about what would happen next. I had yet to give myself a future to protect myself from the hurt in case I was wrong, but now that both Tanner and I were free, it was time to figure where life would take each of us. We had only mentioned the future a few times in the more than four years we had known each other, but now, there would be a lot to say. I ran into the barn, excited for the first time that day.

When I saw him standing there, the biggest smile I had for the past several years crept up and my heart started to beat faster. It was real, the whole situation was real. He had grown up—even looking more like what I remember of his brother which is not much for I did not watch the Games his brother was in—and he was not the same 14-year-old I had met, but he was still my best friend and he would continue to be my best friend for as many years as possible. He was alive. I was alive. So I ran up to him and gave him a hug that was different from the other hugs I had given him. It was a best friend hug, but it was also a celebration hug.

“We can finally live,” I whispered, knowing that he would be able to hear me. I broke away from the hug, holding on to both of his hands, and I smiled into his eyes. I was aware my eyes were starting to water, but I didn’t bother moving my hands to wipe away the excess. I had not considered what would happen to our families when we were both grown-up. What if his kids were reaped? Or mine? But I pushed away those thoughts the moment they came into my mind. First, they had to celebrate.

After so many years of worrying about each other, it was over. And who wouldn’t want to celebrate that?

^credit to Shrimp

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'at long last, [DEE] Jan 22, 2013 17:04:18 GMT -5

Post by ∂αмєη on Jan 22, 2013 17:04:18 GMT -5

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One of the best feelings in the world was knowing that you would have one less thing to fear, even if for the briefest of times. It filled me with a sense of accomplishment despite the fact that I hadn't had any part in that small victory. All that allowed that for me was not seeing my name on the small slip of paper that rose from the ball on Reaping day. Having survived that, it felt as if I was set to survive everything else that life would eventually throw at me. Maybe it was crazy. In fact, it was crazy. There was no point even trying to deny it at this point. Of course there would be obstacles along the way. Compared to the Games, they meant absolutely nothing, sure. But I would fear again one day. For now though, it wasn't about that. Today, however hard it may have been, would be spent solely on being happy.

Which wasn't hard since I'd be spending a lot of it with her. I had had a friend ask me once whether or not I had been sleeping with her yet. After receiving a not-so-friendly punch the shoulder, I explained that it wasn't about that. She was my best friend and that was something people needed to understand. At that age, we were past believing that the opposite sex had cooties or some other horrid disease that caused them to be weird and gross. And yet it was the oddest thing to know one girl and one young man that were capable of confiding anything and everything in each other. Obviously, they never really understood Europa and I. Which meant nothing to me in the end. All that matter was that she felt comfortable talking to me and I felt comfortable talking to her.

It pained me to have to justify our relationship, or explain our relationship, to others. Was an explanation entirely necessary? To me, it wasn't at all. Most of the time, I wouldn't do it justice and I would make it seem like an awkward deal that we had between us. Even though nobody was ever told the specifics, the basics were enough. "We understand each other" would sound so odd to most people and at times, it would sound odd to me too. She was more than that. So much more. But I didn't know what that meant. My only other close friend had been my brother. And that consisted of me telling him everything I ever would need to and him listening and giving advice. Maybe I had my idea of relationships skewed from something along the way. I obviously had the wrong definition in mind. But still, the point was that she made me happy no matter what. Almost as if it was a gift from some higher power for her to bear.

She would be arriving soon enough, I hoped. My parents would wish to get home and close the curtains as quickly as possible as if they had lost yet another child to the reaping and so I hadn't had to go anywhere with them immediately after like Europa surely would. Some times I felt like they were taking it harder than I was. But they weren't. They couldn't have ever suffered more than I was. Impossible in every possible way. But reaping days were always the worst. Surely they would be happy for their last son but not enough to keep me away from the person they knew had been keeping me rooted all of these years. All of the years since meeting her had been significantly better than that first year without Trace. They wouldn't keep me from her.

And as she walked into the barn, I couldn't help but shortening the distance between us to complete the hug she had come for. A whisper left her lips and I heard every syllable as if it had been said right in my ear. Those exact same words had entered my mind moments before. All of our feelings could be justified with those words. "We can finally live." Truth lied in those words and it brought yet another smile to my face, even going as far as to cause my cheeks to hurt. After a few moments, the hug broke but our contact didn't. We kept our hands in one another's, surely needing to be held up due to having so much emotion coursing through us. That was my excuse to hold her hands, at least. Whether she shared it or not, I would never know.

"You look beautiful." My words were said slowly as I came to realize it. Normally, I wouldn't notice her looks. I mean, she was obviously attractive in her own way but it just never went through my mind since I knew who she was deep down. That was enough for me. Whether she was attractive or not was something I didn't want to have factor in to what she meant to me and how I felt towards her. Best friends didn't care what the other looked like, I thought. And yet she was so stunning today. The way the dress looked on her and the obvious happiness she felt. Storm would have enjoyed the simplicity. An inner chuckle followed that thought as I had remembered the conversation we had had not long ago during which that was mentioned. And yet it's elegant enough for Sundra's liking. Perhaps that was why she chose it. It wouldn't be a surprise to me if I was correct in believing that too.

"So, I know we agreed that we wouldn't get a gift for each other but I broke the rules." A grin showed up on my face as I reached for the thin box in my back pocket. Picking out a gift was definitely hard for me in most cases. Even with Europa, it took far too long for me to settle on the perfect thing. And yet in the end, I'd pull through with an amazing gift that she loved. Which meant just as much of the world to me as it did to her, usually. This gift wasn't unlike any of the previous ones I had given her for a birthday or something along those lines. "Come on, you knew I would get you a gift anyways." Finally, I passed the wrapped box containing a necklace that hadn't been too expensive over to her. As cliché as it may have been, it stood out to me on the day I first saw it.

"And of course, congratulations."

all I need's a whisper in a world that only shouts

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I go "Grawr!" =)

'at long last, [DEE] Feb 2, 2013 0:58:04 GMT -5

Post by ᕙʕ•ᴥ•ʔᕗ on Feb 2, 2013 0:58:04 GMT -5

“You look beautiful.” Those words had me taken aback for several seconds. Compliments were no stranger to the two of us, but we had hardly judged one another by our appearance. My face reddened a little as I realized that the comment was towards me. He doesn’t mean anything by it, nothing to look into. And I really believed that. Still, I could not will my face to turn back to its natural shade. Compliments were always difficult for me to accept Storm had always said I was cute, but he was my brother, and I had trouble responding to them. My go-to response was typically “Thanks, you too,” but there was something inappropriate in saying that Tanner—besides the fact that he was male.

Instead, I just gave him a smile of appreciation but not a smile large enough to look smug and looked away as I could still feel the warmth in my cheeks. Thankfully, he continued on by somehow producing a thin box that I immediately raised my eyebrow to. While we had been talking about what we would do in the event that neither of us were reaped, we had made an agreement that presents would not be a part of the celebration just being able to live was enough. But in true Tanner fashion, there was a gift for me, and as always, I never had anything for him. Gift-picking was always difficult which was partly why I had insisted that presents should not be exchanged. Unfortunately for me, Tanner never listened.

I rolled my eyes to his next words, knowing very well that I should have anticipated this for Tanner is always so kind and always giving me these presents. When I opened the box, though, I almost wished I had not given him an eye roll. Nested in the box was a beautiful necklace oh how simple yet pretty it is that I could not estimate its value, but knew it was worth even more because he had given it to me. Looking up just in time to hear him say congratulations, I did the first thing that popped in my head: I kissed him.

Was it a romantic kiss? Even I couldn’t answer that as I stood on my tiptoes when had he gotten so tall? and put my lips gently on his. I only knew that giving him a hug and smile would not amount to the gratitude I felt. Maybe it was the fact that we were really free for the reaping no longer exists for either of us—at least for this moment that I felt okay to be so forward. While we weren’t dating, it still felt comfortable and right. It wasn’t a long kiss and I quickly placed my feet flat on the ground before I fell from the lack of support.

How was he going to react? I looked quickly away, aware that my face was heating again, before I turned back and looked into his eyes. We were both mature regardless of what happened next, and I had enough faith in our friendship that if he responded negatively, we would be okay in the end. Still, I could feel my insides move around as I smiled and said, “Congratulations to you too.”

{Once again, I have realized how horrible I am at providing people (read: you) dialogue. =/}

^credit to Shrimp

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'at long last, [DEE] Feb 2, 2013 15:05:56 GMT -5

Post by ∂αмєη on Feb 2, 2013 15:05:56 GMT -5

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Normally, reading one's emotions has been quite a difficult task for me. Main issue with that has always been due to the fact that the majority of emotions felt by people are kept hidden and locked up inside. We, as human beings, have always shown a different side to the people around us than what we show to ourselves within. I'm a prime example of that. People have always known that I've been sad. Who wouldn't be after the loss of somebody who was and has always been of such importance. But the people who have ever seen me don't even know the entirety of the feelings felt within me on a day-by-day basis. They don't understand the severity of all of this because between keeping all of it bottled up and them having never experienced exactly what I am going through, there's no way to truly know.

Which is why it's difficult for me to read people. Getting an exact reading is nearly impossible since the person is, more than likely, hiding at least one thing that they don't want everybody to know about. The only person I have ever been able to "read" has and will only ever be Europa. And even then, I find it nearly impossible to actually do so. Most likely due to the similarities between us and the fact that we both have gone through similar things in life, I'm able to comprehend her in the most complex of situations. At least, I believe I can. Maybe I'm just so bad at reading the things around me that I've created falsities that now sit within my brain. Perhaps all this time, I've never truly been able to understand the way that Europa works, having only been hopeful that I did.

Either way, at this exact moment now, there was no way I knew what was running through her mind. Maybe I was off my game, but that would come with the implication that I even had a game to be on in the first place. Europa Wie was a complete and utter mystery to me as I watched her eyes lock onto the necklace within the box. Truth be told, I went a little overboard with the purchase of that necklace. Considering not a single gift was supposed to be bought as a way to celebrate their new life that begun once the two names had been spoken, I certainly went completely overboard. When I say that it wasn't too expensive, that's because nothing was really too expensive for me as of late. My parents have always had three kids to take care of, up until Trace's death. Which meant that only two would now require the money they earned. Additionally, there was all that I earned from working the oil rigs myself. In the end, I had plenty to spend.

Never really expected for her to pay me back in any way for the necklace. She didn't have to. Even a thank you wasn't necessary because I knew that she would be appreciative no matter what, even if she wasn't happy I bought it for her or if she didn't even like the necklace in the first place. And yet I knew her well enough to know that she would say something and I would never be able to hear the end of this. Yes, I bought her something despite our agreement to not buy a thing for one another. But lots of people do that. When you have somebody who means more to you than you can ever explain to somebody else, you have to show it. And ever since I lost him, I haven't been the best at expressing things just by myself. Which is why a necklace as beautiful as the one I bought her was necessary. "Don't get mad at-"

And then it happened. Before I could even decide if I wanted it to, it happened. And being the obvious charmer I was, all I could do was stand in one spot without really reacting in the slightest. My hands remained at my sides instead of balancing her as she had to go fairly high on her tiptoes just to reach my lips. My lips. That's right. She kissed me. Was all of this real? I just couldn't tell. And I still didn't know if I wanted it to be real. Europa, my best and really my only friend, had just kissed me. Was it a romantic kiss? Probably not. No. Definitely not. Even if it was, I don't think she intended it to be. She's probably just as confused as I am, right? Right? Yeah. But she did just kiss me. So that means she knows at least part of what's going on?

My mind is a jumbled mess, even when she returns to her previous position of being flat footed on the ground. I can't think straight at all and the only thing I can hope for is that it isn't shown on my face. Knowing me, it definitely is. And so I try to settle everything down. Did you like it? Which was a rather simple question when it came down to it. It was certainly not my first kiss as I had had plenty of girls who were interested in me prior to the death of Trace. It's funny how the death of my brother just eliminated all of my chances at finding a girl who was attracted to me. Or maybe it was my reaction to his death. I'd never know. But this kiss was, without a doubt, the one that meant the most to me. So yes, I liked it.

So why the hell are you standing there like an idiot? And really, that was an incredible question. Why was I standing here as if I had just found out the most terrible news I ever could hear? Because really, I felt like wrapping both of my arms around her and pulling her in close before kissing her back. Why? She's your best friend? And really, I hadn't the slightest clue as to why I felt like responding in that manner. Because nothing between us had EVER been romantic. It had always been purely platonic in every way. So why did I suddenly have the urge to repay the favour to her? Why was I suddenly noticing the flow of her jawline and how it met together to make her defined chin? Why, only now, was I just noticing how dark her eyes were and yet I found such comfort looking into them? Fuck.

And now I was left with the terrible decision of how to react. Was she purely intending on it being a friendly kiss and so kissing her again was out of the question? I really didn't know. And what if she did wish for me to kiss her again? Which left me with the option of playing it safe and gauging her reaction for the next while to know if she wished for me to kiss her back. That was all I could really do. With a smile, I reached my hand out. "Want me to help put that on you?"

all I need's a whisper in a world that only shouts

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'at long last, [DEE] Feb 2, 2013 20:49:53 GMT -5

Post by ᕙʕ•ᴥ•ʔᕗ on Feb 2, 2013 20:49:53 GMT -5

I could still feel my insides squirm around as I tried to see how Tanner would respond. His reaction was…neither positive nor negative and thus made it more complicated for me to read him. The long pause gave me time to muse over what exactly I had done and the possible consequences. Had I done it as a way to show how I appreciated him? Yes, I was confident about that. But was there more to it that I had not seen before than just a friendly kiss? I tried to consider the last several years we had known each other, trying to find anything that would warrant a more-than-friendly kiss, but found nothing throughout the whole span he was always just my best friend, something I had to convince others. Even then, a part of me felt like that there may have been more intention to that kiss than my mind was trying to say.

For one, I was kind of hoping that he would kiss me back. The way he was looking at me—I wanted to so badly know what he was thinking—made me realize that even if I had went into that kiss as a way to say thanks, I wanted more out of it. Only the surprise and realization what it could potentially do to our friendship held me back because I don’t want to lose him for something that I had done stupidly. Why was I even feeling this way? Between my family and growing up and losing both Storm and Sundra, I had never considered that life could be more than running away from the Capitol and their Games and protecting Io the best I could. But this was the first day that I could think of something more, at least for myself. What was I going to do with it?

I immediately felt bad for even considering that I had a life to live now. Was I insulting both my brother and sister for thinking of a life they could not live? Granted, I was sure they had gone through the whole relationship experience before they were reaped they never mentioned their names, but they had said something every now and then that would have suggested it, but I felt like it wasn’t fair of me to be looking for something more, even if I hadn’t had that much of a chance for the past five years. But looking back at Tanner, and I know this is horrible, I realized that my guilt couldn’t suppress what I felt at the moment.

So when he responded with a hand and offer to help me put on the necklace, I was swarmed with mixed feelings. A part of me felt relief—relief that my action had not and will not jeopardize our friendship but only as far as I could see. Another part of me felt happy—happy that I would be able to wear what was the most beautiful thing in my eyes or possibly a close second to my siblings’ possessions for I could never replace Storm’s wooden bracelet around my wrist or Sundra’s necklace around Io’s neck. And another part of me felt disappointed. Perhaps it was too much of me to expect that Tanner would actually kiss me back, but I had clung on to that hope. I wouldn’t let that part of me show, though.

“That would be great.” I smiled and lifted the chain out of the box, so scared that I was going to drop it. With a slightly trembling hand, I gave the necklace over to Tanner’s steady and outstretched hand, entrusting him with it. He won’t let it fall, he’ll make sure it will be safe. And with a random stroke of courage that could have only come from Storm’s memory, I took a step forward and looked into Tanner’s eyes. They were so green at that moment that I wanted to turn away, but I kept my focus on him as the next words flowed out. “About what just happened…” And already I had to stop. Did I really want to keep pushing the subject? I bit my lower lip before looking back down and pushing my hair to one side. “Thank you for the necklace,” I muttered, hating myself for not saying what I really wanted to say. Doubt was strong, though, and held me back in a tight grip.

^credit to Shrimp

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'at long last, [DEE] Feb 3, 2013 22:01:15 GMT -5

Post by ∂αмєη on Feb 3, 2013 22:01:15 GMT -5

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Whether it was intended or not, a game had now begun. From the very moment her soft and comforting and lovely and caring and perfect lips touched mine, the pieces had been placed on the board and a rather difficult game of chess had begun. Her thin and delicate and elegant and would-fit-perfectly-between-mine and perfect fingers grasped her marble white pieces carefully before placing them forth and making her move. The rugged and worn black set were at my disposal, simply waiting for their command. And with every move she made, I would have to counter with one that protected my king and yet went directly for hers. It was a game intended purely for those who used logic in all situations, for those who were more-or-less intelligent. And yet here I was, playing this game with the beautiful and regal and wonderful and incredible and perfect girl that I had considered to be my best friend - and only that - for many years.

Pawns. They were the simple comments. At first, they would appear to be rather basic and harmless but they could be the most dangerous pieces in the whole game. They were the ones that were unassuming and were often overlooked because, well, why would you pay attention to a small comment that was probably meant in a friendly manner and only in that manner. That's the dilemma because really, they were the ones that would often get you at times. Like me telling her that she looked beautiful. While it was intended to be purely friendly in every single way, it was a comment that could sit with her for much longer than anticipated. She could have the same effect on me by using her pawns in this game we were playing. And if they ever reached my end, they could even change into something stronger.

Rooks. They were the actions of reassurance. To make sure that the other knew that no matter what the scenario, the other would be there for them. We both knew that, yes, but there were times when the fear would creep in and we would wonder if we were truly alone in this world that was cruel and dark and cold. I had the all the time. In fact, it was a nightly occurrence for me to feel as if I had nobody to count on and nobody to confide in. Europa was like my savior in this world where nobody truly cared exactly how I felt. All that mattered was that there was constant entertainment and another twenty four teenagers every year to keep these dumb games going. The feelings of a nineteen year old would never be worried about. Except by one another. We cared. Thus the reassuring actions, such as a comforting hug or a loving smile. And although they seemed innocent, perhaps that was all wrong.

Knights. They were the times where one was saved by the other, even if it never meant anything before. When a simple action was performed in order to help the other one out. And they were also the feelings deep within your stomach. They were the feelings of love. Even if it didn't seem like love or if it definitely wasn't love, there were still those occasional swarms of butterflies from within. The warmth that seemed to explode in my chest whenever she smiled had seemed quite friendly up until now. Up until her kiss. Knights could only move in an "L" motion, just like love is somehow restricted to certain things. It's restricted to liking somebody first. Perhaps a little bit of lust. But love is nothing without life.

Bishops. The stolen kiss that could come out of anywhere. Just like the one that had just occurred. I wanted nothing more than to kiss her back in this very moment. The way she was standing there, looking at me. It was almost an expectant look. She wanted me to kiss her. I could just tell. And yet, I was too afraid to take the step and possibly ruin our friendship. Hadn't she just done that? She came out of nowhere and kissed me, just like how the bishops could come from the corner and cause a significant change in the way the game has to be played. She came from nowhere and changed every single thought I originally had in terms of our relationship. Now I wanted to kiss her. Now I wanted to hold her close to me and never let go. After all, we were free from the fear of dying. Wasn't it time to start everything anew?

Queen. The protector of the most important piece. It represented past experiences. They kept you from doing things in fear of getting hurt once again. Luckily for me, and most likely for Europa, there weren't very many past experiences to prevent us from trying things. But unfortunately for us, we didn't have very much protection for our king. It was as if there was nothing - no queen at all - to keep us from being hurt or from losing everything we would slowly reveal. After all, relationships were where you learned about the other. Europa and I knew plenty but there were some things I'm sure she wasn't aware of. Secrets I probably kept so as to keep some of myself safe. After all, she was holding my king in her hand and she could easily check me. But as much as I hated admitting it, she was in and she was waaaaaaay past my walls I build.

The King. It was the most important part of the chess game and the most important part of a relationship. The heart, or at least the idea of the heart, felt all the pain that a relationship caused. It would seem to physically ache when things went wrong and it would produce feelings of ecstasy when it succeeded. And if the rest of the pieces couldn't provide enough protection for the king, then you would find yourself being cornered and preparing for heart break. And you would hear those words spoken ever so quietly into your ears, feeling it resonate deep within.

"Checkmate."

And at this point, I heard those words. As soon as she took a step forward and looked into my eyes, I was done. Because no matter how hard I wanted to deny it, there was something within that had always been interested in the possibility of us ever being more than just friends. We fit. We were right. We were perfect as of yet. And so it was worth the risk and she clearly felt the same way. Something deep within those eyes was inviting. It was begging me. And then she said something. She obviously thought I was going to take it negatively. She must have. Otherwise she wouldn't have said a thing about it, as if trying to apologize. My eyes stayed locked on her as I moved around her while taking the necklace from her hand. As carefully as I possibly could, I placed it around her neck and connected the clasp in the back. My hands brushed along her shoulders as I pulled them away.

And then everything else felt like it was moving in slow motion. After moving around her, I locked my eyes with hers. "Yeah, about that. You just kissed me." I said it rather calmly, but my nerves were already freaking out. This was intense. It was definitely intense. I had only moments to make a decision as to what I felt like doing. And so I just did it. I stepped closer and placed my hand against her face before lowering my head to press my lips back to hers for a bit longer than before. And then I pulled back, taking a few seconds to open my eyes.

Check. Mate.

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'at long last, [DEE] Feb 6, 2013 15:58:45 GMT -5

Post by ᕙʕ•ᴥ•ʔᕗ on Feb 6, 2013 15:58:45 GMT -5

Living. Feeling. I had learned several years ago to separate the two to lessen the pain that I would have felt otherwise, and I was able to breathe because I knew how. If I had felt the pain then I would be hurting all the time, I never would have been able to progress, to get stronger. I would have been like Mother, sometimes leaving her room but always so weak. Not feeling did not mean that I did not register the temperature or the textures my skin would come in contact with; not feeling meant becoming numb to the sensations that were mundane or at the very least non-threatening. It left me conscious of what was more important: surviving.

But in that instant, all I could do was feel. I could feel Tanner’s eyes on me as he moved around. I could feel the slight weight of the necklace leave my hand as he took it from my hand did I almost drop it?, and I felt it again but around my neck. I could feel the slight chill from the necklace as it came into contact with the base of my neck and it gradually became warmer with prolonged contact. And I could feel the warmth of his hands as they brushed past my shoulders, barely making contact with my skin. My fingers trembled with all of this sensation and I became preoccupied with soaking everything in. Why was I so conscious of all of this? What caused me to notice all of these things?

Tanner was in front of me again, looking directly into my eyes as I had done earlier. What was this look? “Yeah, about that. You just kissed me.” I thought my anxiety would have been exhausted by that point, but I found myself pondering over what he said. His tone seemed so calm and neutral that I couldn’t figure out what was next. He did not seem to be mad, but his collected presence made my fingers tremble even more. His eyes were locked on mine, and my body felt so frozen under his gaze that when he stepped even closer and I have to admit that my heart keeps beating faster, I could feel his body heat. He was alive. I was alive. We were both alive.

And I felt his warm hand on my face and I knew that there was no going back. What had I done when I gave him that kiss? We were friends we ARE friends, and while I did not doubt that would change for a long time, I knew I had changed the nature of our friendship with just that one kiss. That had not been my intention when I entered the barn at first and ran up to him. That had not been my intention when I saw the gift. I had never intended to change what we had. But I had kissed him and it felt so right and I could not take that back, even if I wanted to. Which I didn’t. I feared what would happen next, but I knew I would never regret that kiss.

What have I done?

The question kept resonating in my mind as I was aware of how soft his lips were on my mine. And that was when I realized that he was kissing me. My hands slowly started to raise as I allowed myself to be taken by the kiss and I close my eyes, but stopped when he moved away but only just barely. I saw him open his eyes and just seeing the look in his eyes kept me in my place while my mind sprinted around. It was what I had wanted, yet I felt so unprepared, so surprised. Call. Response.

My world collapsed and reformed in a matter of seconds, but it felt like years as I pieced together everything that had just happened. I had kissed my best friend. And he had kissed me back. What happens next? And we were standing alone in an abandoned barn. Celebrating the lifting of a burden that had held us back for years. Did that burden act as a wedge all these years? Now that we could live and breathe and feel and know, I wanted to lose Tanner even less. He was my support, regardless, but the strange feeling in my chest that feels more emotional than it does physical was telling me to hug him, bury my face in his chest as I had done so many times before when I was vulnerable, and never let go. Because I didn’t want him to go.

I placed my hands in his, looking briefly away to make sure they would fit together and they did so comfortably. A small smile crept up as my face warmed again, but I didn’t want the warmth to leave this time. I wanted it to show so he knew how I felt. We were comfortable talking to each other, but what we did—the non-speaking actions—was what always resonated with me the most. Our ability to be there for each other, to understand what was happening, without having to fall into a verbal tirade, was what I loved about our friendship for words sometimes escape me and I can never catch up.

If time allowed us to stay like that for eternity, I would have gladly done so. I wanted to immortalize this moment, if only for the sake that I had not felt so happy for years. But time and reality were co-conspirators and I had to confront questions that I had pushed out of my mind. It broke my heart to have to ruin the moment, but if the questions weren’t answered, I was afraid they never would be. “What happens now?” How were we supposed to define our ~~friendship~~ ~~relationship~~ friendship? I had feelings for him feelings that took me so long to realize and it appeared that he felt the same about me, but could I call it love for such a word has so much meaning that I’m afraid to be wrong?

“What…do we do?”

What a simple question, but one I had difficulty answering. Nothing in life had prepared me for this moment, but I had not prepared myself for this day either. I didn’t know of a world where I would survive to be nineteen, even less a world where I would find someone who I could ~~love~~ be with in celebration. I always had a plan, but I had stopped when I reached this day because although I could have been reaped any time in between I was so certain that that year would be my last. Understanding what to do next meant I had to improvise, but I wasn’t sure how to anymore.

Last Edit: Feb 6, 2013 15:59:26 GMT -5 by ᕙʕ•ᴥ•ʔᕗ

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'at long last, [DEE] Feb 7, 2013 10:35:05 GMT -5

Post by ∂αмєη on Feb 7, 2013 10:35:05 GMT -5

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Regrets were more common in my life than I'd like to admit. I'd really like to say that every single decision I have made has been one that I've been sure of and one that I've always stood by. That's as far from the truth as possible, actually. It's rare for me to feel confident with any decision I make. Regretting small things would plague my mind at night, keeping me up for hours as I wonder what would have happened if I never did that? And despite playing countless situations through in my mind, the decision had been made and there would be no going back. Even if time travel was a reality, there would be much more important things than fixing the small regrets like saving my brother from the horror of the Games. Still, the larger and much more life-changing regrets existed. And they would always remain.

Sometimes it would take a few days for the realization to set in. What I mean by that is that regrets sometimes didn't show themselves right away. They may have seemed like the right decision and good may have came from making it but in the end, only negativity existed. Many of the regrets I live with seemed perfectly fine. They appeared to be the right thing to do and for a while, I was fine with how I reacted to the situation. And yet now I regret. Day after day, I suffer from the effects of the choices I have made throughout my nineteen years of life. I would do everything I could to protect you, Trace. That's something I regret. Does the dilemma make sense? How one little thing can change up so much of your life? To me, it makes plenty.

From the moment her lips first touched mine, I felt right. As if that was what was supposed to have happened all along. I know it sounds odd and maybe the emotion of surviving through seven years of being threatened has added to the feeling. Europa had always been an amazing friend. She was my best friend. And she always would be. Yet a kiss - a display of affection that implied much more than being friends, especially in the way she kissed me - was causing me to reconsider so much within the few moments before I kissed her. Even now, after I stepped back from being so close, it felt like a decision would have to be made in terms of our relationship and I wasn't so sure if I was prepared to make it, even if I had Europa's help.

It's not that I regretted kissing her. Every single part of me felt new as soon as our lips came in contact. My brain was convinced it was because if anybody showed interest in me romantically, I would react this way. Which probably was true. If a beautiful girl came up and kissed me, there would be no remarks of disgust or disappointment escaping my mouth. However, my heart knew better. My heart knew that something about the girl that I had just kissed was different. Was it a good different? Was it a bad different? Did it mean that I had feelings inside for my best friend - feelings I had kept locked up inside because there was a chance of screwing up our relationship? Or was it because it felt awkward to have exposed myself on a whole other level?

And so the only feeling I was experiencing was confusion. Which she must have been going through too, seeing as she asked what would happen next. And as much as it scared me, I had absolutely no clue what would happen next. What I wanted to happen was for everything to be forgotten so we could let the feelings come out over time, allowing for us to think before acting. I was truly afraid that my best friend would be lost forever because we both jumped at something that was right in front of us due to heightened emotions. And even though there was a chance I had discovered that all along, there has been a girl in my life that I not only like but also have feelings for, I was frightened. And so I answered the only way I could. "I wish I knew, Europa."

This wasn't fair to her. It really wasn't. It wasn't fair to me either, really. Just a few moments ago, we were both happy to have a life ahead of us that we could live with only the simplest of problems to face. And yet we now had something to deal with right away. Something that, if left to forget, would only make things awkward between us. That couldn't happen. I could afford to lose her because really, I had nobody else. My sister was never around and my parents were often too out of it to be relied upon. I was alone in this world, apart from having Europa. Which meant that something would have to be done about what just happened. Something. Anything. And it couldn't be waited upon to make a decision. No. In the moment, just like the first and second kiss.

My hands held hers tightly, yet comfortably, not wanting to let her go. I want to say that I was keeping her close but really, she was the reason I was being held down on this earth. Every part of me wanted to just fly away and go elsewhere. Anywhere but here. But we were holding onto each other emotionally and physically. "I want to say I know exactly what should happen. But I don't." My eyes never left hers though. I couldn't bring myself to look away. She was mesmerizing too, even in the dim light of the barn. Europa had always been cute but she really started looking beautiful once she had finished most of her growth. The little girl I had first met was replaced with a remarkably stunning young woman. One that was right in front of me and who, depending on what I chose, would either be a part of my future or not.

"I liked it." The words come out in nothing more than a whisper. It felt more intimate. Even if the decision was one I regretted, I certainly enjoyed having her so close and feeling hers lips on mine. Normal. Right. Perfect? I wanted to take things slow. I wanted to test the waters of this relationship we had potentially open up. But what would that have meant to our relationship as best friends? I didn't want that to end. And yet, no matter what pathway I played through in my mind, there was no way we could remain both. Unless things were taken truly slow. But we had just jumped into it, hadn't we? I don't know. My mind was still a complete mess. Who knows when it would change. "What do you want to do?"

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'at long last, [DEE] Feb 24, 2013 16:29:02 GMT -5

Post by ᕙʕ•ᴥ•ʔᕗ on Feb 24, 2013 16:29:02 GMT -5

He didn’t know.

And I don’t know.

My head was spinning as everything became more clear and muddled at the same time. I was only too aware of the situation we were now in, and I knew that it required the both of us to figure out what happened next. Yet I couldn’t even interpret how I was feeling to make a decision based on that. Judging by what Tanner had said, I wasn’t certain he knew what to do either. We were in a position that I had thrown us into, and I hated myself for it.

Or did I? I didn’t regret my actions; I just hated the consequences of them. I felt horrible for making Tanner have to go through this for why should he have to suffer from something I had done stupidly? He deserves better, and that was enough for me to step back and realize that how I felt for him was possibly a bad idea. After all, weren’t we doing so well as friends? If anything, I just wanted us to stay as best friends, to grow up together and celebrate each other’s accomplishments. Yet while I tried to convince myself that we would make it if we went back to the way we were, I knew I was terribly wrong.

For one, I knew I would never be able to get rid of the feeling that filled my chest like a balloon of hot air. The kiss was like a pair of lens that would never leave: everything changed perspective. The way he looked at me changed, the way he held my hands changed, and I was sure it was the same for him how could I expect him to ignore it too?. Even if I had never considered him in that way, everything about us was starting to be seen with the lens and it made sense. Or maybe it was my mind being seduced by the prospect that our friendship had always been meant something more.

Second, even if I could suppress my own feelings, I would not stop thinking about what had happened. I was always proud of my memory, utilizing it to remember my siblings to almost-perfect detail but my memory of them is slowly degrading, something I will not admit and schoolwork when I had to cram for a big test the next day. But I also remembered the bad parts: the district’s industry change that we cannot admit out loud, the fight between the whole family, Storm’s death, Sundra’s death, the loss of the chickens the horses, the cows. I still heard my siblings’ screams at night, the whimpering of the horses as they died from starvation. While my kiss and Tanner’s kiss were not even close to that scale, I knew if I tried to convince myself it didn’t happen that it would torment me at night.

I wanted to cry because I had made my decision and I wasn’t ready for it. As I heard his low voice form the words “I liked it”, I wanted to so badly kiss him again. I wanted to tell him that I liked it too. I wanted to tell him that we should be together because it felt ~~safe~~ ~~perfect~~ right. But I was scared. A little part of it had to do with rejection but he kissed me back, right? but most of my fear was on the thought that I was wrong. I usually hated being wrong for my pride’s sake, but it wasn’t about pride here. It was about my best friend and that made the consequences that much higher.

I knew what I wanted to do, but I wasn’t able to tell him…at least not at the time. I held his hands even tighter as I tried to muster up the courage to say my next words. “I liked it too, but—“ and the balloon of hot air I had felt before burst in my chest as I dreaded my next words “—I don’t know if I’m ready for this.” What the hell was wrong with me? I had been the one who started it by kissing him. I was the one who dared him wanted him to kiss me back. I was the one responsible and yet here I was shrinking back. I was horrible brutal, unkind to do this to my best friend.

“I’m so sorry” to have to do this to you. I never wanted this to happen. But there was always that possibility that I did. “I know I can’t take back what I did—“ and I’m not sure I want to “—but I don’t know if I can go through with a relationship. I’m so—“ hurt and lost and confused “—worried that I will end up hurting you and ruining something that—“ is perfect “—has worked for so long.” Which words were being said and which words were I thinking? My internal dialogue was mixed with my external words, and I couldn’t figure out what Tanner could have possibly heard. I had to break eye contact at that point as I realized that the more I looked into his eyes, the more I wanted instinct to take over, and I couldn’t let that happen. Not again. Not if I wanted my best friend here.

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'at long last, [DEE] Mar 1, 2013 16:54:54 GMT -5

Post by ∂αмєη on Mar 1, 2013 16:54:54 GMT -5

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I was eight the last time I told a girl the way I felt about her. Now, I know I know. Eight years old is not an age where you can feel something for a girl and most guys still think the opposite sex had cooties. In fact, I was still positive that Greta Halloway had some sort of disease that was highly contagious to males like me. She always had been weird. But the girl I liked was Priscilla McQueen. A cute little blonde who always wore a bright red bow on the left side. Young girls and their bows, you know. Either way, I thought she was awesome. I was gaga over her as a little eight year old boy. My parents would hear all about it and Trace would often tell me that I should just ask her out. Truthfully, I had no idea what asking a girl out meant but hey, if my brother said it was good, it must have been.

And so I told her the very next day that I thought she was beautiful and sweet and nice and super cool considering she was a girl. Imagine an eight year old me saying that and I'm sure you could see just how adorable it was. She freaked out and was super excited and gave me a hug. And as kids, it was a big step to hold hands so I was pretty proud - and congratulated by my male friends at the time - for making it that far. But after a week, we both just stopped talking to each other and assumed that it was over. You know, we were kids. We really didn't know what was going on. We didn't even know what girlfriend and boyfriend meant. But still, we were pretty close for that short little while. And then it ended and I never spoke to her again. Even when we passed each other heading to our classes, we just barely exchanged looks. I'm not even sure if she remembered.

Either way, it was rare for me to ever really come out about liking somebody. I preferred to like from afar. And since Trace, it was rare for me to even express being friends with somebody so Priscilla should count her blessings. That's why this moment was moment important for me right now. I wanted to tell Europa that I had always known that I felt something for her. That all this time I have had feelings that seemed platonic but really truly weren't. That I had always hoped, from the day I met on route to the meat shop, we would one day explore this route. She was beautiful. Stunning. Fantastic in every way. And I knew that I loved her in some way. It was worth a shot to explore what kind of love that currently was and what kind of love it could be.

But what if things went wrong? That was the worst case scenario. If things went wrong, we would both have an awkwardness between us, much like Priscilla and I. We would barely exchange glances if we passed each other on the street. It would be tough to be friends because we would have such a weird history. That's why I didn't want to try anything. That's why I was so confused. Two different parts of me with an opinion each and I had absolutely no clue in the world which to go with. I could risk it all and perhaps end up with the one thing I've ever wanted in life which was to have another person that cares about me more than anything else in the world. And sure, maybe we were both like that now but what I wanted was love. And then there was the option which meant we could play it safe and keep each other as best friends.

And then she spoke. And it baffled me because if anybody was to hurt anybody in all of this, it would be me hurting her. It would be me having second thoughts and ending up breaking her heart. There was no way she could hurt anybody or anything. It was Europa Wie we were talking about. To me, she was perfection. And that meant there was no way she could cause any harm to me. But that wasn't a realistic thought. It was my emotions clouding my judgement. That's why I absorbed everything she said and accepted it with an open mind. It was either a decision that I would make with my brain or with my heart. But before today, I wasn't even sure my heart existed. It seemed to leap to existence the moment our lips touched. Was that a sign or me just being hopeful.

But the decision wasn't mine any more. She had just said she wasn't ready. I couldn't push any more without risking losing the girl I had feelings (I think) for along with my best friend. Instead, I had to just accept it and hope that whatever I was currently feeling would go away eventually. Like a best friend should. It was a mistake in her eyes and so I would try to make her happy as I always have. She had been through more than I had. She deserved happiness more than I did. And so I gathered my thoughts one last time before making sure that my voice would remain calm. "Okay." And just like that, everything that had just happened had been reduced to nothing between the two of us. It was just an event that had occurred accidentally, simply because we were both feeling so much excitement and joy from having our lives saved.

"That's fine. You were a bad kisser anyways." I joked, adding in a wink. You really aren't. You're an amazing kisser. Maybe she would see the joking tone and know my true thoughts. Maybe she would see the look in my eye. But it wasn't important any more. None of it was. Europa was my best friend and that was all she would ever want to be. I would just have to accept that so I didn't lose the most important person that I had ever in my life. Even more important than Trace. I would need to suck it up like a man should. Because I wasn't a boy any more. I wasn't that Tanner Rowgan who was eight years old and who never spoke to Priscilla again. No. I was a man who could act maturely about a situation that, according to Europa, shouldn't have happened. At least, that's the way it seemed.

"We ought to go find our parents now. We both kind of ran off a little too fast. They'll want to see us. I'll come with to see yours first." At long last, I was allowed to feel love again. And yet all I could do was keep it bottled up.

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'at long last, [DEE] Mar 10, 2013 18:55:14 GMT -5

Post by ᕙʕ•ᴥ•ʔᕗ on Mar 10, 2013 18:55:14 GMT -5

I knew I was going to regret my decision, but it hurt even more when Tanner said, "Okay". Just one word and he was so calm about it, and I couldn’t help but feel sad. It was too much of me to expect he would fight for it we were both confused and not sure what to do, but the resignation that I technically started hurt all the same. He had sealed my decision with that and from that point, we were going to be just friends. Best friends, but nothing more. Did I really make the right decision?

When he made a comment on my kissing, I couldn’t help but blush despite the “friends” status we were in. I also wanted to be on the defensive end and make up some pathetic excuse. At the same time, though, I couldn’t help but smile and laugh when he threw in the wink. It was so like him to make a joke like that that it felt good to hear him say it. I thought I could see something in the way he was looking at me, but I mistook it to be the shine that I always saw when he was smiling. “Well, it’s not like you’re that much better.” It was perfect. “Plus, you seemed to like it enough to kiss me back.” And I am so glad you did.

Was it always going to be like this? It was probably a one-way thing, but would I always look at him and wonder what it would be like to curl up in his arms, to kiss his soft and warm lips, and to ignore the world around us? Will I always imagine a future where it was the two of us? I really hoped that our future would not be clouded with all of my questions, and I tried to suppress whatever feelings I was having at that moment. I had to grow up, accept the consequences of my words, and be with my best friend. There was only one last thing for me to do: I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulled myself up so I was again on my tiptoes, and whispered into his ear, “I love you so much.” It didn’t matter if it was meant to be romantic or friendly; the words were comforting to me, regardless if I couldn’t be with him as more than just friends. And even if we were always best friends, I would love him no matter what. I just wouldn’t be able to say it.

Then he brought up our parents which was a good reminder of the world outside of the barn and a good distraction from the situation. After what had just happened, I had forgotten that my parents were probably waiting for me to come back to the house so we could be with each other as we always were. I knew that we would not celebrate just yet—there was still one more Wie before the curse would be gone—but there would be an atmosphere of relief, if only for a few weeks. Could I really be a part of that, though? At the moment, I just wanted to be with Tanner, to not leave this perfect place, but I also knew that the perfect moment was gone. I had ruined it. I had killed my chance of being truly happy.

I wouldn’t let it show, though. I would go back to the house and I would smile at my parents they could do with a smile. I would excuse myself to take a nap and lie in bed. And maybe at night, I would see them again and cry with them.

Because I could live, and they could not and I still managed to ruin my second chance.

“Are you sure? You know my parents are going to keep you in the house for a very long time.” Which was very true. Despite everything my parents were going through, they took company very seriously and would actually set a goal in seeing how long they could hold their guests down. They also liked Tanner from the few times that he had met them, and I knew that they would love to talk to him some more. It was always a little annoying how much they liked him, but I definitely preferred that over them hating him and refusing to let me see him—not that it would have mattered either way. Still, I knew what they were like, and I really didn’t want Tanner to have to stay at my house for hours because of my parents’ curiosity. “I’ll walk you to your house first. I’ll be your savior from my parents’ constant questions.”

I want it to be just us for a little longer.

^credit to Shrimp

char info yayy

∂αмєη
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'at long last, [DEE] Mar 11, 2013 3:10:42 GMT -5

Post by ∂αмєη on Mar 11, 2013 3:10:42 GMT -5

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I wanted nothing more than to hold her in my arms. I know that sounds weird considering she sort of just turned me down but really, there was nothing else in this world that I wanted more than to just admit the feelings I was now pretty sure of. That she wasn't just that best friend I would go to for everything. No, there was more than that to all of this. Europa Wie was the closest thing I had ever had to love. I mean, sure, I loved my parents and my siblings more than anything but it was an entirely different kind of love that I would experience. That one was forced. It was unconditional. And yet now I felt this whole new warmth that exploded from deep within and spread throughout the rest of my body. An excitement. An uncontrollable happiness. There was no bringing me down right now.

And even though she had put an end to that romantic side of things we had briefly looked into, there was nothing more comforting in this world to know that she was the one who initiated it. She was the one who kissed me first and that meant that somewhere in her mind, even if it was deep within, she had a question that needed an answer. And whether it was truly answered or not, I wouldn't care. That meant that she was feeling similar things to me. I hoped. I saw it like a room that we both stood in. The room represented our friendship. It was well decorated and all of the corners were lit up with beautiful lights. It was happy. And two doors existed behind us, each leading to our past lives that were destroyed. Chairs were thrown to the ground, wooden pieces covered the floor and the lighting was dim and yellowed.

But one door existed in front of us. The door would lead to the possibility of more. Sure, we could live in this one room for the rest of our lives and be perfectly happy. But the temptation to open the door ahead of us and to enter into it would possibly be too strong for me to handle, as it must have been for her in that moment. We opened the door and looked in for a brief moment, seeing nothing but blackness. The light switch existed at the other end of the room and we would need to find our way to it before the rest of it was lit up. That was how it would have to work. We would travel through it blindly, but together, in order to see if it was a beautiful room or not. But there was no turning back as the door would lock behind us. Does any of this make sense? Because it's the only way I'm seeing it.

Of course I liked kissing her back. There was no better feeling in the world than the feeling of her body pressed against mine in an embrace. And that moment where our lips touched sent chills down my spine. It's like how they describe it in the romance novels. At the very moment where we first touched, it was as if the world ended and all that mattered was her and the present. In that one moment, nothing else would ever distract me except for the way her body moved and the way her lips tasted and the way her hands felt on my chest. Maybe romance was as they described it in the books. I always believed it was a little over the top and yet now I felt like writing one of my own. Maybe that was the only way I could truly explain the way I was feeling because otherwise it would just appear like nonsense to anybody I tried to explain it to.

"Oh, I'm not much better, huh? So what if I said you were actually great? Does that make me pretty good?" Another grin. Sort of fake in the fact that I was grinning for other reasons. Because she was an amazing kisser, at least in my mind. I didn't care if other guys would have thought she was bad. To me, it was perfect. And that's what scared me the most. All of this frightened me because I had no idea what I was doing and how I would react to all of this feelings inside. She was the first girl that made me feel this way and so I would have to have all of my firsts in this situation. Maybe that's why she said no. Maybe she actually wanted to pursue this side of things but was too afraid to lose me, just like I was too afraid to lose her. In fact, I couldn't lose her. It would kill me.

"It's a secret, okay? That's why I enjoyed it. You're pretty good." Better than that, Europa. I wish you knew the way I was feeling. I wish you knew just how amazing it was to me. But she couldn't know. Because that would ruin things. Hadn't it already made things a little awkward? There was no way I could ever avoid feeling it. It was too obvious. And yet we'd deal with it because that's how we worked. It would eventually go away once we forgot about what had happened. But I didn't want to forget. I wanted to move forward with this girl's hand in mine so we could face the future together. That was what had gotten us along all of these years. Being together. Why not do it for the rest of lives without needing another man or woman too? She was the only person I ever needed.

Settle down, Tanner. Settle down. You're just letting your emotions get out of control. And that was right. That kiss seemed to have severed all of the sane ties in my brain. My nerves were exploding with electricity and I couldn't do anything about it. Maybe that's why I was so in love with this moment. Maybe that's why this girl in front of me seemed to be absolutely freaking stunning. I would have no explanation while my mind was as jumbled up as it was. And yet, she provided no help as she said those five words. Those five simple words that seemed to piece everything back together just to be broken once again. "I love you so much." And just like that, I was done. There was no point even trying to move or respond or function because it seemed to cause a malfunction in the circuitry of my brain.

Nothing about it implied romance. Nothing about it said anything besides as a best friend. And yet there was something in her eyes that made me feel as if she cared. As if she didn't just love me but felt like she could one day be in love with me. I wanted that to be the case. I wanted that to be the case so I wouldn't feel so confused and so lost and so broken yet so whole. I wanted to have everything make sense and to not be a complete mess. She caused this. All with those five words. And once my tongue finally regained life and my lips began to be able to move, I answered with the only thing I could say. "Not like I love you." Regret. As soon as the words left my mouth, I regretted saying it. Because it was now or never.

But I wouldn't let her respond. I just wanted her to know. I couldn't hear her answer because it may have just devastated me. And even my answer was ambiguous, potentially meaning that I loved her like family while she loved me as a friend. So maybe she wouldn't read too much into it. But on the odd chance she did, I continued with my response to her. That way she wouldn't have time to think of an answer. "Good point though. They really do like to talk. But I won't want to stay at my house." Since Chrissie has been free from the Games' threat and now I was too, there would be a lot of sadness around my home. Trace was the only one of us to not survive the reaping. To not survive the Games.

But Europa's house wouldn't be any better. Originally the third oldest child and now their eldest survived the Games. And yet they still had one more to go. Her family had to go through what I did twice over. I could never imagine the pain she felt. There was pain everywhere, even despite us having a reason to celebrate. At least for my parents, it would only bring me down. "We could just skip going to see them and go somewhere else. Just you and I. For as long as we want." It was an invitation that had many meanings behind it. Maybe she'd read into it and see what I truly meant. We could avoid the sadness of our families. We could spend more time together. We could have privacy. We could have life. We didn't need to be fearful any longer.

We could live life together. Just her and I.

all I need's a whisper in a world that only shouts

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I go "Grawr!" =)

'at long last, [DEE] Mar 20, 2013 15:22:38 GMT -5

Post by ᕙʕ•ᴥ•ʔᕗ on Mar 20, 2013 15:22:38 GMT -5

Just being able to look into his eyes was tough; tough because while I was 55% certain that I was not ready for a relationship, I wanted nothing more for it to be just the two of us forever. I wanted to believe that our bond was so strong that we would never let the other go. No matter the hardship—parents, employment, household, life—we would always be there for each other. We would be able to hold hands and laugh and cry and step into the next part of our lives stronger, together. If only that could have happened.

There was no point in dwelling what I had so stupidly said. The best I could have hoped for was that some day, when I had more courage, I could tell him how I felt. I was hoping for the day that I could take a leap of faith and just so far to reach him and say I was ready, that I wanted to be with him, that I was in love with him for now I am certain that that is how I feel. I was also hanging on the hope that he still cared. I had played around with the idea of finding someone I could settle for, long before the kiss had happened, and while I knew that there was a possibility that someone out there could be my future husband, I didn’t care as long as I had my best friend there. After the kiss, though, I was starting to doubt that too.

Tanner offered welcome distraction as he continued is standard joking manner, and it helped me forget that the person who stood in front of me was the one who I wanted to be next to for the rest of my life. We were back to being best friends, celebrating the chance to live again, and talking about an occurrence that seemed to be taken well—but not too well. When Tanner admitted that he actually thought my kiss was pretty good, I wasn’t sure whether to laugh, blush, smile, or roll my eyes. I wanted to be as nonchalant as possible—it really was just a kiss—but it meant more to me than I could show for Tanner liked it and that could not make me more happy. And the truth was that he was a really good absolutely amazing kisser too. I had only been kissed once on a dare, so I really didn’t have much to go on, but I knew it was perfect because of who he was and I could not recall the last time my heart had felt so fluttery or my breath just completely taken away.

Stop, Europa, stop. You just said he’s your best friend. You told him that you weren’t ready. I was scared. But I smiled into Tanner’s eyes. I loved his smile, especially his grin. Compared to the boy I had met when we were both young and were trying to find the meat store, the Tanner now was smiling more, happier more, peaceful more. I was naïve to say that everything had been fixed, that he would never scowl or think about his brother, but just seeing him progress into a relaxed individual made me happy and want to smile myself. I never would have taken the credit myself, because I refused to believe that I could have that much influence. I did wonder how much our friendship did help, though; it had helped me recover from Storm’s death and was there to support me when Sundra was killed.

Were we really that closely tied together? I smiled and let out a little laugh when Tanner mentioned the secret. I could see his eyes were telling another story, a story I couldn’t pursue, but I focused on his words. That was the only way I could stay true to what I had said. But I wanted to say more. I wanted to respond to his eyes, his so bright and beautiful expressive eyes that were feeding me with courage and fear. What was happening to me? Why was I turning into what felt like a puddle of confused mess? All of my emotions were boiling inside me and perhaps that was the reason why I had said those words. I had been a little scared of his response, but nothing prepared me for his actual response.

“Not like I love you.” My eyes widened did he really say that? and I knew as I looked so deeply into his eyes that whatever casual air we had before had just solidified into this intense moment. But I had no time to respond or to think more about it because he continued the conversation. The condensed, intense air had relaxed to the casual atmosphere before we had said those words. As I brought myself back, I remembered how both of our households were not necessarily the best places to hang out. I had met Tanner’s parents and may have glimpsed his sister, and I knew that they were very nice people. But I also knew that they had lost a son to the Games as well and while they might not have shown it around me because everyone pities me and my family for going through it twice, I knew that there was a chance that they would be hurting too.

“Yeah, I’m surprised my parents have so much to say. They’re never like that.” Especially since the 57th Games. I loved my parents for who they were, but their ability to chat with their guests for so long was both surprising and tiring. As much as I liked that Tanner and my parents got along, I always felt bad whenever I had to drag Tanner into that situation. And while I preferred Tanner’s house to my house at the moment, I understood what he was saying when he said he didn’t want to stay at his house. So when he suggested we go somewhere else, I accepted it readily.

I didn’t want to be separated from him. I knew that we would eventually have to go back home, finally see our parents and sibling, and meet up on our regular Tuesdays and Fridays if we can make them anymore. But his offer of “as long as we want” made me feel like it would just be us forever. My hands curled up in his hands, and I gave him a big smile. Even if I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship which I’m still not sure about, I knew that there was nothing more that I wanted than it to be only us, ignoring the world. Had we not lived in the world long enough? “Let’s go to the clearing. Nobody will be there and we can be alone.” For eternity.

I want to be with you for eternity.