{Khi Electra}{D3}{FIN}

{Khi Electra}{D3}{FIN} May 11, 2013 22:09:22 GMT -5

Post by Ally is tentatively back on May 11, 2013 22:09:22 GMT -5

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Khione Aspen Electra // 20

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I wanna stay inside all day
I want the world to go away
I want blood, guts, and chocolate cake
I wanna be a real fake
Yeah I wish I'd been, I wish I'd been
A teen, teen idle

Day 207

I have this face. It's like a lot of other faces, I suppose, but the problem is it isn't my face. It looks like my face, a little, but not really.

I've told Auntie this a million times, tried to tell her about the girl in the mirror who is isn't is isn't isn't isn't me, but she just pats my cheek and "How about you go get some sleep, sweetheart?" and I'm tired of fighting about it. The girl in the mirror isn't worth the headaches, and she looks just as confused as I am, poor thing. Let her stay.

She's a pretty thing, I suppose, even taking into account the red blotch covering her pale cheek. All little button nose and pouty lips and bigbigdarkwide eyes.

They're quiet eyes, the kind you wander into and never come out of. They look darker around the pupil, like ink spilling out of the little circle into the muddy brown of her iris. It doesn't quite make it to the edges.

The mirror girl's good at copying, making all my facial expressions, but there's a noticeable delay between when I make my face twist into the appropriate expression and when she does.

My hair's not as dark as hers, either. It's light crimson and flying around me while I dance at a garden party with that cute boy in -

- but that wasn't even me, that's not who I am, that's some other girl who didn't take a truck to the head -

- my chem class, all big smiles and twirling me around like I'm so light, tiny and wispy and beautiful.

And there's another difference. Mirror girl's so much thinner than I am, hollow cheeks and twiggy limbs and you'd think she'd look sad but her face just looks dead. I see Auntie offer her food when she offers it to me, but we both refuse when we can, and I feel a camaraderie with this menotmemenotnotnotme girl who sleeps across the room from me.

Sometimes I go and sit in front of the mirror and touch my fingertips to hers and watch her dead face and try a smile for her and she returns it, but it's twisted and awful and sad and doesn't reach her muddy eyes and I let my smile fade but don't move and I sit there until Auntie comes and takes me away and puts me to bed.

Day 752

Khione Electra is a girl I wish I could be.

She's an seventeen-year-old whirlwind, a kid who broke hearts and ruined reputations because she could, and then giggled about it over smoothies with the girls.

Khione Electra died a little over two years ago when a truck smashed into her cousin's car with her in the passenger seat.

Now all that's left is me and everything I'll never be again.

I paint in violent, angry colors, abstracts that I can't make any sense of, and the paint splatters on me and my room but I won't let Auntie clean it up. I wish I could really feel all the anger that's in my hands, but all I'm feeling is this ice coating my neurons and sliding through my veins like poison. Auntie asks me if I want to talk and I growl because I can't talk, it comes out all garbled noises and not real words.

My mind is mostly in order, you have to understand. I have the mental capacity of a highly intelligent young adult trapped in a body with the capacity of a geriatric. My emotions are buried beneath a thick layer of cement, but I don't need to be dealing with them, so it's all for the best. The real damage is in the parts of my brain that control my body. There's always this agonizing delay between when I try to move a body part and when it actually moves, and I think I'd hate it if I could.

I think I'd hate Auntie, too, for her hovering. But I suppose I understand, she already lost her boy, and while I may be her brother's baby she's raised me and she loves me and -

- she likes to think of me as her second chance from her stillborn baby girl, likes to think the universe killed my dad and chased my mom off just to give her a daughter, even though she's never stated so, I know

[/i] -

- she neverneverneverever wanted anything bad to happen to me.

Khione Electra would be disgusted to see me.

I'm not Khione Electra, though, I'm just Khi.

Day 904

Auntie's hiding something.

There's gaps in my memory I can't quite fill in and I move all awkwardly and slow and I haven't been outside since the accident and the only person I've seen and the only person I trust and the onlyonlyonly person who'd know if I died is hiding something from me.

She knows I know, but she won't tell. I remember general details and get images and sounds and scents and the feeling of different things under my fingers, but most of what I know about myself is what Auntie tells me, so her keeping secrets should be terrifying, but I can't tell because I'm fucked up and broken andandand it makes me want to scream but nothing comes out.

I slowly go over my inventory of what I know, outside of what Auntie's told me, and things don't quite match up, there's a shift.

I know for sure that my name's Khione Aspen Electra. I know for sure that I was seventeen when everything fell apart. I know for sure that Auntie is who she says she i- No, is sh- Of course she is why wou- No but mayb-

I need to get out of here I need to get out Ineedtogetoutoutoutgetoutneedneedneedout.

My hands are so, so slow when they pack my things into the canvas bag that holds my paint supplies. Two of the little girl dresses Auntie always helps me dress myself in and a notepad and a pen. I need to figure out what's happening in my head. If Auntie's being honest with me, I'll come back, but I need to get out of this house that's all pink and smells like burnt sugar and I need to get away from this woman who treats me like a toddler.

So I open the window and kick out the screen and I run and it's almost automatic, the delay was there but then my feet were moving on autopilot and I already feel more alive than I have in ages.

Day 1207

Khi doesn't exist anymore. Now I'm Frostbite.

The wasted years
The wasted youth
The pretty lies
The ugly truth
And the day has come where I have died
Only to find I've come alive

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