''over and over again'' [dee!]

[DAD7D7] [FFC249] [75B8D5]

Sundra wasn't even my sister and yet, I could feel myself breaking down. Maybe it was because she was Europa's sister. Maybe it was because I cared about Europa and she was the only true friend I had ever had other than Trace and now she had to deal with the loss of another sibling. As if the death of Storm wasn't enough, she now had to deal with Sundra too. It was too much for somebody our age to have to handle. That kind of thing could break even the toughest man down. The death of a family member could make the strongest man cry. And it only made it worse that you had to watch them die on a screen. The Hunger Games made everything worse because the death of your sibling was shown to all who wished to watch. There were even some people who would bet on them. Some people would laugh as others die. Meanwhile, their families were ready to give up on life because of it.

I was ready to quit. Not many people ever learned that. I told Europa once but it was purposefully done in a casual way so as to not make things awkward. Yeah, I told her that I was thinking of killing myself to get away from this horrible world. Maybe it wasn't good to tell her that. I wouldn't want her to get the wrong ideas now that Sundra was gone too. Without her, I'd have no reason to live. Every part of me would be gone because Trace and Europa were no longer here. That's why I was standing outside her home, just wishing to see her face and to hold her in my arms. I wanted to tell her that everything would be okay and that things would get better if she just fought through it all. Who was I to talk though? I still thought that things weren't getting any better. But then again, I would stop at nothing to ensure that Europa was happy. Maybe that would help.

My eyes were locked on the door intensely and so it took a while for me to recognize that it was opening and the only other sibling that Europa had was standing in the doorway. My voice was quiet and although I tried to keep it calm and smooth, it cracked near the end. "I need to see Europa." The word need was emphasized as it wasn't a desire or a wish. She was surely breaking down more than I was and she definitely had a reason to. However, I was breaking down too and I just needed to be with her to feel myself being put back together. Europa made me feel whole. More than Trace ever did. He was my brother. He was my best friend. But Europa was there for me when he wasn't. And now, I had to be here for her when Sundra and Storm couldn't be.

It was never romantic between us. That's what most people would think if I said that I would be there for her until the end. But it really wasn't. I really never thought about her in that way. She was my best friend because I could talk to her about anything and I could act normally around her. So, people could think all the wanted. I wanted to be with Europa more than anything in this instant. Especially if she was hurting. When I saw her through the door way, I felt every part of me want to run in and hug her. But she looked fine. She almost looked as if nothing had happened. My eyes were locked on her as she dismissed Io and filled the doorway. "Hey Europa. How are you doing?" I barely got my words out before she started shaking. And then the tears came and every bit of me felt like dying.

Girls rarely cried around me. And any time they did, I hated the feeling I had. I felt so helpless because I couldn't do anything to help them. What could I do? Giving them a hug would only help with certain people and most girls wouldn't even let me hug them. Not since I withdrew from everybody, at least. Before that, girls would line up to hug me. But people change. Now, all I wanted to do was hug Europa. I wanted to comfort her. Maybe I needed a bit of comforting too, even if it meant seeing her smile. Even that would help me. I stepped closer towards her and offered my arms forward for a hug. It would be weird to just hug her if she didn't want me to. But something told me that she needed somebody to vent to right now. She looked so broken and somebody would need to help fix her.

And I would do whatever I could to do just that. My voice was nothing more than a whisper as I spoke as it was only for her ears and not for anybody else who may have been listening from inside the house. "Hang in there, Europa. I'm here for you. Everything is going to be alright." I didn't want to ever leave. Not now. Not after everything. It would be like Trace when he left me. He left at such a crucial moment. That wasn't who I was and I could never do that to Europa. I'd be by her side whenever she needed me. I had to be. Even if I didn't like that thought, every bit of my being would not let her go through this alone like I had to. She lost a sister and a brother. I lost a brother and a best friend. There was no way she would lose anybody else. I would make sure of it. There was no way she would go through life alone now. There was no way she could go through the same thing I went through, entering into a deep depression.

No. That couldn't happen.

[thanks to millie from caution for the pictures]

[DAD7D7] [FFC249] [75B8D5]

Have you ever had that feeling where it seems like everything is lost? When you finally realize that everything around you is chaotic and you can't do anything right? I've felt like that many times before, even before Trace died. It would be so damn easy to just sit back and give up and to let everything around you fall to the ground in ruins. Or to just give up and take yourself out of the equation with whatever could do the job well. The greatest part was the gratification of knowing you lasted through it, though. Trying to rebuild the world around you to start anew and to live a life that had an understanding of your problems but they didn't drag you down. It made sense to me every time I thought about it and that was probably the only reason I had made it thus far without giving up completely.

The difference was that Trace was my best friend. Many people lose their sibling and they move on in a year or less as if nothing ever happened. If they had a relationship with their sibling that was similar to the one Trace and I had, it would be a lot more difficult to get over the loss. Maybe that was just an excuse that I made for myself so that I wouldn't feel like an idiot for still feeling the pain. Either way, it helped me cope and it helped me attempt to move on, knowing that it was normal for me to feel this way. After all, I lost two people on that day. A brother and the greatest friend of all. It's justified for me to feel this way. But I even knew that it was getting to the point where I had to accept that he was gone and that he wasn't coming back and that I had a new best friend who needed me even more.

She soon entered into my arms and I carefully held her close. I wanted nothing more than to erase everything that had happened and to kind of rewind to before Sundra's death. Obviously, that would be impossible. Still, there was that burning desire deep inside that just wanted to end the Hunger Games before they claimed another person that Europa and I cared for. We were both still eligible to be reaped. That thought would haunt me for days and days now. What if one of us was reaped and the other had to stay at home and watch? I don't know how Europa would feel but I know that I would be done with trying to move on. If I lost her, there would be no point. And as she spoke about me being her 'pillar', I realized that she was the reason for why I was still trying. Europa was the reason for why I was still alive.

Suicide was always an option. I'm not going to lie any more and say that I only contemplated it once or twice or not at all. No, I asked myself if I could each and every night. Before I met Europa, I would come so close to actually doing it but part of me wouldn't want to give up just yet. The strong part wasn't ready to give up. It never would be. But after that day that I met her, everything changed. The negative thoughts wouldn't plague me in the night. It was all because I had a reason to fight. A reason to go against what would help me in the immediate moment. Europa was my reason. She was my motivation to carry on. She was there when I needed somebody. She was there when I wanted somebody. And now, I'd be here for her no matter what. There was no way I was going to let her go and no way I'd let her fight all by herself.

"I'm going nowhere sweetheart. I'll always be here for you, I promise." The nickname that Trace used to use for all his girlfriends came out before I even knew what I was saying. But it didn't come out in a romantic way, luckily. It came out in a loving way, sure. She was my best friend. Of course I loved her in some way. I meant each and every word that I said, even if it would be hard to keep that promise. The odds were definitely stacked against me as the years went by and by the time I turn eighteen, being reaped will be inevitable. It was wrong to promise such a huge thing but really, I wanted to keep it. I wanted to always be here no matter what. Something inside of me wanted to just cling to Europa and never let go and I really didn't know what it was.

She sounded so weak and so broken. It seemed that if I let her go, she'd fall to the ground and never be able to get back up again, so I held her even closer, leaning my head on top of hers. I had to say something. She wanted me to say something. And obviously, it had to be truthful. I was never the type to lie but if somebody needed to hear something, I'd tell them it. If they wanted hope, I'd give it to them. Even if it was false hope, if it made them smile, I'd say it. But now was different. I believed in her. I truly did. I gently moved one hand to her face and wiped away a tear with my thumb. "Europa, everything will be alright. You're strong. You can make it through anything." My words were genuine and despite my emotions being all over the place, my voice was fairly calm. She could make it through this though. I'd make sure that everything would be alright, even if it was the last thing I ever did.

"I know you can. You're one of the strongest people I have ever met." She was too. Most people would be a lot worse after a second family member died. Not saying she wasn't bad because evidently, she was. The shaking proved it. But she was still here. She was still breathing and she was asking for insurance that she could do it. That meant she wanted to fight. Depression could come so easily but it seemed like she was willing to go against it. And that was strength. Taking the harder route because it lead to a nicer place. If you wanted to go with the easier route, it would only bring bad things in the end. Working hard yielded better results. And if anybody could work as hard as was needed in this situation, it was Europa. I knew she could. I didn't even have to think twice.

"I believe in you."

[thanks to millie at caution for the pictures]

[DAD7D7] [FFC249] [75B8D5]

Depression. What is it, really? Most people are sad or having a bad day and they think it's the end of the world. They hop off to the doctors and expect to be diagnosed with clinical or psychological depression. That was my experience in life, at least. Those around me were so eager to have a title for what they were feeling that they would do whatever it took to get one. But once they were labelled as that, they avoided it like the plague. It made no sense to me but then again, most things didn't make any sense at all. Depression, though, wasn't something that could be changed. Most mental illnesses couldn't be changed or fixed or anything. Same with Depression. Not the feeling of being depressed but the actual mental disorder. Depression wasn't a choice. It just happens because of something bad and you really don't have control over it. You can't stop it from happening.

Let's say you have a broken arm. There's a cause for the broken arm, right? Of course. Arms don't just break out of the blue. That would be ridiculous. The break of the arm is like the event that causes the anxiety that gives you depression. Make sense? Anyways, that arm is broken. And you show everybody your broken arm and people ask how you got it and you are very open about your limb that has an evident problem. So why do people hide their illnesses of the mind? Something broke. Some accident happened and it snapped a part of your brain and now you're the way you are. Unlike bones, it doesn't heal. It can only be dealt with. So why do people act like their mental illness makes them so different and so out of place? Neurotransmitters in the brain are inadequate and that's why you have feelings of depression. It's not like you have a choice.

I'm only saying this because I was absolutely sure that I suffered from psychological depression. Without a doubt, I was positive that the tragedy of my brother dying had broken something inside of me and therefore caused certain things to go wrong. Then I went to the doctor to get everything checked out just to have an excuse for why I was feeling this way. I didn't want to be different or sad just because I was. To have a meaning for this and to have a reason would make it all so much easier to deal with. If I could find a reason that didn't involve my doing, it would help me deal with it and cope with it. That's what I thought, at least. The doctor explained it all to me and spoke of how things with confusing names would cause depression when low. You know, the neurotransmitters. Serotonin and dopamine, I think. Something like that.

Turns out I don't have Depression. I definitely suffer from being in a depressive state but I am definitely not suffering from Depression. All my vitals were normal and it made me feel so happy yet so frightened. Happy because I learned that I wouldn't have to suffer from such a tragic disorder for the rest of my life but frightened because I still felt these horrible, negative feelings without a cause or reason. It's like when you randomly think of something really bad. You're kind of a little frightened at where that thought came from because it's just so random and out of the blue. The suicidal thoughts came out of nowhere and I didn't want to go through life with those thoughts and not know where they were coming from. But then he gave me the reason. He gave me something to hold on to.

It was normal to feel this way. Of course, he gave me a bunch of medical facts that I couldn't even begin to explain but in the end, I learned that I wasn't a freak. I wasn't having these thoughts for some horrid reason that I would never learn. No. The death of Trace was obviously going to cause these horrible things and I wouldn't have to worry about it because if I could deal with coping with the death of my brother, they would disappear. So I coped. Or at least, I tried to cope with it. It didn't work for quite a long time but now, it was working. Now, with Europa by my side, I was getting over the fact that my previous best friend was gone. Yeah, I was no longer caught up with it as much as I used to be. Sure, there would be times where it would suck and I'd miss him but never again would I want to end my life because of it.

But that was because of Europa. I say I wanted a reason for why I was feeling sad but once I received that reason, I wanted one that explained why I should be happy. She was it. And now, I had to try to repay the favour by ensuring that she didn't fall into the dark, bottomless pit that I fell into. I would do my job and reach out to save her from continuously falling until she was gone from the world and she could never be found again. That would hurt me just as much as it would hurt her. I couldn't lose anybody I loved again. That would drag me over the edge because I was weak. I wasn't strong enough to deal with all of this by myself. Europa had to be. She had lost the second person. She was strong but I am sure she can't do it alone. It's tough to do with two people as it is, so it's nearly impossible when nobody is there for you to lean on. She needed that, just as I did.

And what she needed more than anything was to try to forget about it. Not completely. She needed to do the same thing I did. Push it away from your mind for a bit so you could focus on the things in front of you and not the things that are dragging you back. And the very first step on the way to forgetting was finding something else to distract you. She was my distraction. The distraction that I never wanted to go away. I'd gladly go through life distracted if it meant being able to have Europa in my life for an eternity or more. "It’s Tuesday." She was right. It was the second day of the week and that meant we would spend the day together. It was part of our healing process, I guess, even if we didn't realize it. Unconsciously, we must have reached out for the other so we had a rock to hold onto when we were at our lowest. And the thing that kept us together were our days. And Tuesday was one of them.

"Yes, it is. Let's get out of here. I want to show you something." Really, I had no idea what I was going to show her. All I wanted to do was to get her away from the home that would surely remind her of Sundra if she started to remember all the times in that house with her sister. I offered my hand forward for her to take, spreading my fingers apart to have them intertwined. That way we wouldn't lose each other if we ended up in a crowd. When Trace died, there were reporters everywhere who were interviewing those who knew him about how he had done. He was horrible, really. I was able to think that now. He hadn't made it very far and he didn't really help by honouring District Five. But when they interviewed me, I just said that I loved him and that I was glad to see his killer was murdered just as horribly. It probably didn't go on air, but who knows. Europa was surely interviewed last year as Storm made it fairly far. Sundra did too. She would have to go through this another time. I didn't want to lose her through it all.

Trace would always talk about what was beyond the border like he knew all about it. He didn't, obviously, but it was still intriguing to hear him go on and on about the mountains and the ocean and all the amazing things to see. I like to think that he got to see some of it on his way to the Capitol before he died. At least he would know what else is out there, if there was anything. Could there be a life outside of the Districts? Away from the threat of the Hunger Games? I wish there was but I would probably never know. It was so hard to leave and surely, any chance of getting out of here was done. District Ten now handled livestock. Every part of me wanted to return there to be with the animals. That's where I belonged, in my opinion. And so, I walked towards the fence, far away from everybody else in town. I don't even know why I went there. Something inside of me felt like going.

"I wonder what's out there." I muttered as we arrived at the border. Wrapping my fingers around the chain-link fence, I peered out and bit my lip lightly. Would things be easier outside of the District? Would things be easier in District Ten? It was hurting my brain to think about it, really, so I sat down and leaned back against the fence. I just wanted to sit here and to talk, like we usually did. And maybe it would help her if I could keep her mind off of things. Reaching into the bag, I pulled out the flowers and offered them forward. "For you." With a smile on my face, I reached back in and pulled out two apples. Normally, we had food when we wanted it. We were one of the more or less wealthy Districts compared to the lower ones, at least. But apples were always special, for me at least. Patting the ground beside me, I also offer an apple to her.

"It's a little better than sitting in the middle of town, don't you think?"

[thanks to millie at caution for the pictures]

[DAD7D7] [FFC249] [75B8D5]

His laughter rang out as we peered out through the fence. This was all his idea. At first, I was a little sceptical. Of course, I had a reason to be worried about moving so close to the daunting gate. "Trace, we shouldn't be out here for long. What if ma' and papa get worried?" All he did was laugh again before wrapping his fingers around the holes in the fence. Trace's dull green eyes searched the landscape for something - anything even - that told him that something existed beyond us. His hopes and dreams were to find somebody or something out there that was far more powerful than those who had control over us. Trace believed that our saviour was out there, somewhere.

I looked out with him, the green orbs containing a slight burst of golden flecks, looking for movement. Any slight shift in the bushes would attract my eyes and I'd eye that spot for as long as possible until an animal would sneak out and stare in our direction for a while. That's all that ever came from the forest. That's all that ever would come from the forest. "Trace, we've been here for a while. We should think about going home soon." Bringing his index finger up to his mouth, he let out a 'shh' and pointed out towards the forest. A figure seemed to move through the forest so carefully, making almost no noise at all. "They know the terrain too well. I can't even walk that lightly and I'm used to it."

And then it was gone. Whatever it was had disappeared and was nowhere to be seen. "What was that, brother?" Weak and soft. That's how my voice was. It came out slowly as we both stared into what was beyond District Five. "That, Tanner, is proof that one day, we'll be free. Proof that one day we will not be controlled by the Capitol." His optimism and the smile on his face helped me believe that he truly meant it. There was a chance for us somewhere. There had to be. Patting me on my shoulder, Trace began to walk away. And so, I turned and followed him. There was nothing else to see. Perhaps we weren't alone. Maybe we actually were and all we were seeing was an animal. Still, it was a chance. It was something we had to hold on to. Safety and happy lives could be just around the corner. The Hunger Games might have an end to them some day.

If only that end was sooner. There would be no way that we could keep going like this. Family lines were ending because their children were being reaped. What then? What happens when your family name can't be passed on because everybody died? That's what the Hunger Games were starting to do. One family who lived a few minutes away from mine had both of their children reaped a few years ago. Now, they'd die with nobody to carry on everything they had originally had. It was tragic. It was horrible. It's the reason why I lived every single day being more afraid than I was the day prior. Europa would have to face the same fear. She and her sister were the only ones left. They couldn't even pass on the family name. Would the Wie family end because the Games intervened?

Sure, that was a small point. The most obvious effect is that your child is dead. My mother couldn't live her normal life for a week or two afterwards. What was Mrs. Wie going through? Was she twice as bad as how my mother was? The Hunger Games was supposed to be a way to prove that the Capitol has complete control over us and that we have no way of fighting back. In reality, if they put a Capitolite in against one of us, we'd be the obvious Victor. We have to live each and every day like it's our last, working ourselves to exhaustion in order to please them. They can sit around and take what we give them, only lifting a finger in order to demand more and more from us. We were the stronger ones and yet, we couldn't fight back.

Why? Twelve Districts outnumbered one. Even if District One and District Two preferred the Capitol over us, we'd still have the strength in numbers. Did it ever occur to anybody that if it really came down to it, we may actually have a chance? We lacked the weapons and we lacked the training but what we did have was the desire to be free. We had the will to survive. All of us wanted to live a normal life that wasn't in danger of being destroyed. Wasn't that enough to unite at least a few Districts to start a rebellion? Unfortunately, we'd never find out. It wasn't like I could be the one to start all of this. I was surely being watched by the Capitol because of my brother. Tributes whose relatives had fought for their lives before were always enjoyed by the crowd. Maybe I'd be next to feed their hunger for blood. I couldn't stand up against them now. It would only mean certain death.

Although, was living the best option? Sure, that was a dark thought. I tried to stay clear of them and I rarely ever had them. This wasn't serious. I wasn't going to give up now, especially not while Europa has to go through this pain. Really though, was there much of a life ahead of me? Hopefully I'd survive the Hunger Games. Maybe I'd find somebody to marry and we'd live happily ever after. Could Europa be that one? That's never occurred to me. I haven't ever thought about my future because I never imagined having one. Everything would end for me once I was reaped for the Games. It was the inevitable. At least, that's how I saw it. "It was crowded near the screen." My voice was smooth and calm. I needed to be calm, for her sake.

"Hey Europa? Where do you see yourself in ten years?"

[thanks to millie at caution for the pictures]