:| More or Less |: {Kiah}

Lost and scared...
Losing what he most desires...
...TURNS HIS LIFE AROUND....
Red Jay

I felt the usual surge of uneasiness run through me as I pull my eyes open in the morning, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I process nothing but the darkness that surrounds me, consuming me, surrounding me and poking at me, laughing as I thrash my arms around in the useless attempt to make it disappear. For a while now I have woken up only to find myself in the same position. It scared me. I hated the darkness that was now my world. I hated the way it pressed down around me, a constant reminder of what had happen the night, the constant reminder of my biggest nightmare. I begged for sleep to come back to me, I pleaded with it, hoping that it would come, come and take me away. In my dreams darkness didn’t have a hold over me, in my dreams I was free. Magic. Happiness. Fairies. All of those little magical creatures wandered my dreams at night, reminding me that not all was lost.

I lay in bed, waiting for sleep to take me, waiting or the darkness to give way to a world where I could escape. But no matter how long I lay in my bed, the straw mattress digging into tender parts of my body, sleep refused to come. It refused to take me away. Who’s side are you on? I think, darkness’s?. With a frustrated sigh I haul myself to my feet, my toes searching for my shoes. It takes me a few moments to find them, my feet sliding into the worn material. Slowly I pull the rest of my body off my bed. In my room I felt more at ease. I felt like I was alone. In my room I could relax, I didn’t need to worry about people judging looks, or other looking at me with pity. In my room I was free to make mistakes. There was no one here to judge.

My feet take me easily to my door, knowing the path like the back of my hand, (not that I knew my hand that well at all… but that’s beside the point). I collide with nothing my fingers coming around the cool metal of the door knob. Smiling in triumph I pull the door open and slide into the hallway where I freeze before taking a step towards the stairs, the smile sliding instantly from my lips. My steps are hesitant as I wander down the hallway my hands braced on the walls. It didn’t matter that I knew the path off my heart, it didn’t matter that I knew where the stairs started or where they ended, but that didn’t stop the uneasiness that entered my veins spreading through me like a wild fire.

The uneasiness grew as I reached the stairs, my feet hanging on the edge of the first step. Deep breathes come on. In… and out… in… out. It is not that difficult. You have done hundreds of time before. Finally gathering enough courage I let my foot drop onto the first step. Then the next. Then the next, until I was at the bottom. I felt my uneasiness fade as I place both my feet onto level ground. See not that hard, reassuring myself I head off towards the living room, hoping to find comfort from the familiar feel of the couches material against my skin. I knew it sounded ridiculous, finding comfort from a couch, but people have different ways of dealing with things, and for me? I seek out things that I find familiar. Things that I know would not have changed since the last time my eyes allowed me to see.

My feet scrape across the ground, the sound bouncing off the walls of the silent house. I listen intently to the sound, thankful that my hearing was better than ever. I do not know what I would do if I were to lose my sight and my hearing. I would be lost. Lost in a world of darkness and silence. A shiver runs through me, but I tuck the thought deep into the back of my mind, letting my mind focus on the task at hand: finding the living room.

My hand runs along the wall beside me, searching for the doorway that would lead me to my destination. My fingers catch a gap in the wall, and I fling my body towards it, entering the room, stumbling slightly. Regaining my balance I wander over to the couch, pulling my body into the soft material. I felt my body relax slightly, leaning into the familiar shape of the couch. I let my mind wander, trying to picture the room I sat in, but no matter how hard I probed at my mind, nothing came, all I could see is the darkness as it closed in around me, refusing to let me see anything.

Suddenly I felt the weight of another person flop onto the couch. My body stiffens immediately, but I try not to move away. “Hey, kid, what’s up?” The sound of Stellars voice slips into my mind and my body relaxes slightly, before instantly tensing up again. Stellar and I didn’t always get along. Our conversations always seem to end with me storming away, tears in my sightless eyes. We argue about whom had it worse off, and it frustrated me. I didn’t want to talk about my sight, or his sight, or about who’s was worse. I just wanted to try and forget about my sight. I wanted to try and forget that I was blind.

“Here, take a sip of this,” He says, sloshing the liquid around before holding it out to me. I turned my sightless eyes on him and tried to not to let an annoyed expression form on my face. It was not his fault. It was not his fault that my sight was screwed up. Not his fault. I reminded myself. I wasn’t sure if I should take the bottle form his hand, I didn’t know what was in it, and wasn’t sure if I wanted to find out. I have to try and make this work. Finally I take the bottle from his hands, determined not to let my annoyance get the better of me. He just wanted to get to know me better. He just wanted to have a normal conversation with me. He wanted to treat me like a I was normal.

“What is it?” I ask before taking a small sip of the liquid.

Lost and scared...
Losing what he most desires...
...TURNS HIS LIFE AROUND....
Red Jay

I let the liquid slide over my tongue, sending my taste buds into a frenzy. It was like nothing I have tasted before. The way it danced over my tastebuds sent a shiver through my body. I wasn’t sure if I like the feeling, or the taste. But I wasn’t sure if I hated it either. I took another sip, thinking that if I tried again, that I would be able to determine whether I liked it all not. Again, my tongue buzzed, shivers sliding through my whole body. Nope. That didn’t help. I was still unsure about the feeling that it sent through me, but the taste was another situation. It tasted bitter sweet as it slide down my throat, leaving behind a rather weird after taste. My face screws up slightly as I pull the bottle away from my lips, running my tongue over them.

“It’s just a bunch of juices that I mixed last night.” His voice seems slightly distance as he tried to remember what he had put into the drink. I have never really understood Stellar, the way he see’s things, it was different from mine, but similar in a way. He was trapped too, trapped behind the numbers and equations that danced crossed his vision. Shrugging the thought away he continued on with the conversation, “I could tell you exactly which…but that requires walking to the kitchen.” He chuckles as the words slip from his mouth. With some effort I hide the smile that nearly sneaks onto my lips. Stellar the genius. Stellar the lazy pig. Yeah Stellar was the smartest of the Jays, but he was also the laziest.

I roll my eyes, and subconsciously bring the bottle to my lips taking another sip. As soon as the liquid touches my tongue I almost spit it out, but manage to swallow it, my face scrunching up one more. Hastily I place the bottle on the couch between the two of us, determined not to have another sip of the vile liquid.

“If you don’t like it, you don’t have to keep drinking it. No one else seems to like it, but I wanted to see what you think.” His voice slices into my thoughts resurfacing me. No one else liked it? Well that wasn’t a surprise, it was not one of the most pleasant drinks. “Do you want some more? You can have the rest of it.” The question caught me by surprise. I didn’t want the drink. I hated it, and the thought of drinking the rest made me feel sick to the stomach. But was that the point of this whole conversation? Was it really about the drink, and on whether or not I wanted to drink it, or was it something else, something Deeper?

“Sure.” I croak, my voice still award from coking on the juice. “Thanks,” I finish clearing my throat. I urn my sightless gaze towards where I believe Stellar is sitting. I tried to form an image of him, sitting there on the couch next to me. I see him slouching, his long arms and legs hanging lazily over the edges of the couch. I imagine a half smile on his lips, the gentle tilt of one corner. But just as the image comes clear it starts to dissolve, leaving me staring at nothing but the darkness the surrounds me. Nearly had it. I nearly had him. A wave of annoyance crashes over my small body. I had nearly beaten the darkness.

After a moment I realise that I was still staring at Stellar and pull my gaze away, staring at the material that made the couch. “Why aren’t you in your room? You know ma will kill you if she sees you out,” I say, trying to joke. The feeling is foreign as it rolls over my tongue, but I try not to show how uncomfortable I feel about try to make a joke. Joke were never something that I really took part it, usually I was boiling with rage, or some other negative emotion that would end up making me scream and shout, before storming out of a room.

Lost and scared...
Losing what he most desires...
...TURNS HIS LIFE AROUND....
Red Jay

Laughter fills the air, it was similar to a chuckle, deep and full of an odd sense of warmth. “Kid, I’m not going to force you to drink it. Like I said, you don’t have to keep drinking it.” His voice was light, and I could only guess that a smile was plastered to his young handsome face. Once more I try to summon the brother I used to know. I try to remember his ace, the colour of his eyes, the way his hair fell across his face. But no matter how hard I tried the darkness that surrounded me ate anything thing that I would summon, leaving my staring at the darkness that has been my world. The darkness that has now taken me hostage.

Sometimes I wonder weather I will ever get my sight back. I wonder if this life I am living is really all just a dream, a dream to get me to understand how much things so stupid, so little, can actually be the things that you should cherish the most. When I had the ability of vision, I never thought that one day that ability would be gone. I thought that would be impossible, that this ability to see would stay with me forever and ever. But now I realise how much I took that ability for granted. I never appreciated the way that my vision enabled me to feel, to act. I never took the time to appreciate the beauty of the world I lived in… and now, now I regret not taking that one last look at all the people that had meant to much to me. I regret not being able to recall simple features, features that should almost be like a sixth sense. Once more I try to remember the colour of the eyes of the person who sat next to me, and once more I failed.

I try not to let my frustration and annoyance play on my face as my hand fidget with the material of my shirt. It frustrated me; all of a sudden I wanted to know. I wanted to know what colour Stellar eyes were, but not only Stellar’s but the whole families. I wanted- I had to know, I just had too. But before I could even utter a word, Stellar interrupted continuing on with our conversation. “Well, I was in my room and I thought maybe it was a good time to have a break.” Momentarily the need for answers left my mind as I listened to Stellars words. He spoke them with a hint of amusement, that made my darker mood lighten a bit. “Ah, you’re not going to tell on me, right?”

His words hit me, making all the others thoughts leave my mind instantly. Did he think I was going to tell on him? It hurt me for a moment, to think that my brother would think that I would betray his whereabouts to our mother. I would never do that. I knew I was unpleasant to be around most the time, but that didn’t mean I was the rat of the family, always running to ma when someone had done something wrong. I never ran to ma. Never. I tried to avoid her to be totally honest. I tried to avoid her just like the others- she would pile on the self-pity like a mountain, always insisting to help me, by holding my hand or leading me around by the shoulders. It embarrassed me every time. I hated it.

It wasn’t until I felt Stellar’s hand in my hair, ruffling it like he used to do years ago, that I realised that he had been trying to joke around with me. A soft lazy chuckle followed and I felt myself, despite my effort to hold it back, begin to smile. “Look at that! You just made a joke, even if it probably is true that Ma would kill me.” He says, and the uncomfortable feeling that had risen in me earlier faded slightly. Surprisingly I felt the smile of my lips grow slightly, becoming more prominent on my face. I hadn’t smiled like this for a while, and it felt good. It felt good to be around Stellar, my oldest, and have a feeling of ease. For years I have had trouble connecting with my family, always fearing that they would bring up my sight, always fearing about the pity that would shower on me. With Stellar it had never really been pity, but something different, something that usually made our conversations end in fits of rage.

“But seriously, as much as I can take Ma smacking my head, her lectures would just bore me to death. So if Ma asks, I was never here.” I turn to look at Stellar, once more, hoping that an image of him would automatically form before my eyes. But as usual, I am left disappointed, my eyes seeing nothing. I wish, I wish just once more that I could see him, see all of them. Just once more. That’s when my pervious thoughts fly into my mind, churning my brain with a million questions. Would it sound silly, silly to ask Stellar what colours his eyes were? Would he take offense? Question after question whirls though my mind causing me to feel light headed. Blinking a couple times I pull my gaze to the material of the couch once more, coming to a decision.

“She won’t know you have been here. You can count on me.” I try not to fiddle around with my hands as the words slip out of my mouth. I was nervous. Nervous about the things I wanted to ask, nervous about the reaction I might get. “Stellar?” I ask hesitantly, my fingers ring around each other gentle, as I turn my hands over and back. “Stellar, what- what colour are your eyes?” I ask the words quickly falling from my mouth before I could change my mind.I had to know.