Face to Face with the Reminiscent Past {Ruthie}

The family is a haven in a heartless world

The effulgent sunlight peered through the translucent and diaphanous wisps of clouds as dawn broke upon the lonesome abode of a lanky and weary 16 year old. As the soft illuminating glow peeked through the cracks of the doors of an antiquated side-storage room, it lightly hit the eyes of Anani Petros. The particular musky air inside that particular storage room had been still and quite silent, but abruptly, Anani's eyes urgently shot open. His eyes displayed guilt, apprehension, and even a slight touch of lugubriousness. After realizing that he was, in fact, in his usual storage room, he gave a sigh of shaky relief as he weaved both his hands through his hair. It had been a rough couple of weeks for him and especially since the 55th Hunger Games had gotten underway, nightmares had plagued his restless nights.

The 55th Hunger Games. He had never thought that something that seemed so trivial and distant would affect his life so greatly. Because of this, he had lost everything he had built up in the last few years of his life. It wasn't to say that he had anything particularly great saved up, but he had been living rather comfortably, even as a discreet vagabond. All of the money he had saved from the miscellaneous jobs he earned off the streets was all spent up. All of it. This isn't a hyperbole where one means to say that "all of it" is used to describe most of the money one has. This is the literal meaning of "all of it," and Anani had indeed used all of his money in one sweep. Whether this had been for a good cause was still heavily debated by his ambivalent mind.

So what had he used all his savings on? The savings he relied on to pay for his diurnal repasts? The savings he relied on to maybe one day start a family of his own? He had used the money on the lone remaining member of his family. He had used his money to help fund his sister, Nisa Petros, stay alive in the 55th Hunger Games.

As his eyes wandered around the recently familiarized, downtrodden shack, Anani slowly pulled himself off the miserable excuse that was a mattress and reached for the nearby doorknob, only to stumble and trip over a random assortment of musty items that had been stored there for many decades. With a groan of misery and a spurt of rage, Anani pounded the ground as a couple tears flowed from his already drained eyes.

"Why, Nisa, why?" Anani murmured, "You just had to... you just had to make my life more messed up then it already is…" Anani turned himself upright again as he stared at the ceiling through opaque eyes. Nisa... I'm sorry... but I had to... God damn it! I had to... I had to... I needed to survive! I didn't know... I love you, but it would have been so much easier if you had just... No. NO! It was my job to protect you.... Our father entrusted me with that... And now look at me... I'm a freaking coward! Hiding in the shadows... Look at me now... Look at your brother, who was unsure of using his savings to support you in a game of life and death. A brother who wanted you dead so that it would make his life easier.... A brother who wanted to just wait out comfortably in his corner, watching you suffer and bleed to the inevitable death that had been almost guaranteed by the reaping... A brother who should have protected you from the very beginning... A brother who never should have left you alone in that cave where you slowly lost a part of your sanity... Here I question if I would even take it back, whether I would actually go back in time if I had the chance and take it all back... I should regret it shouldn't I? Shouldn't I? Come on, Anani, pull yourself together! Put aside your greed, put aside your selfishness, and put aside your apprehension! Just like when you had that moment... you had the guts to give all your money to the sister that you care about so dearly...

As more tears flowed onto the dirty floor, Anani gave another shudder. Anani was very torn at this point. Even though he realized his vices, his realization did not lessen the impact of his past decisions and his present opinions of them on his guilty mind. Guilt had followed him ever since he had visited the cave for the last time to see that his only sibling, his dear sister, had disappeared. Even though he had tried to forget about it and move on so that he could build a better life for himself, guilt still followed his dream and actions. He eventually did learn that the decision to abandon his sister had been a self-beneficial one, but even so, he felt guilt rend apart what was left of his callous soul. When he finally saw his sister again in that town square, being called up for the Hunger Games, after oh so many years, the parts of his mind that hadn't been over-run by guilt proceeded to yield to the grasps of the already tainted parts of his mind.

After taking another deep sigh, Anani pulled himself off the ground once more and proceeded to support himself against a nearby desk. Successfully standing up this time, he brusquely brushed his tears with his left arm and turned the rusty knob of the storage shed. After rattling it a couple times and forcing the door to open, Anani stepped out into the warm but welcoming heat of the morning sun. He started to walk towards the more populated area of the district as he avoided the gazes from the shifty figures of his area. He had been coerced to move to a poorer part of town ever since he had used all of his money, and the residents of those parts were well-known for their less-than noble conduct. After escaping that part of town, Anani lessened his pace as he randomly walked around still debating with himself on what to do about his recent predicament.

Ever since he had found out that his sister had lived through the Hunger Games miraculously, he had been tormenting himself to build up enough courage to face her once more. He may have funded her during the games, but that still didn’t excuse his heinous morality when he had left her all alone in the cave. Even if he had gotten his mind off the self-torment, his diurnal nightmares would continue to haunt him as it replayed certain gruesome scenes of the Games over and over again. Sometimes, the nightmares would depict him actually at the Games, but he was never able to protect his sister from the incessant harm that would come to her. And Dru… What Dru, what that nasty Career Tribute had done to his sister… He had been grateful throughout the Games for her aid and love that she provided to Nisa, especially since it was the aid and love that he had never been able to provide for Nisa himself. But all that had been dissipated in that one swift strike of her blade. That particular scene would replay itself in his mind over and over again incessantly as he spent his days roaming around the district, scrounging whatever food he could find to sustain himself. He still remembered the exact place where he stood when he watched his dear twelve year old sister lose her left arm.

People had been cheering when Nisa had won, joyously shouting how it continued their districts serendipitous streak of victory, but Anani had felt no happier from when he had heard his sister’s name being called up at the reaping. The guilt… had been a recurring thing. The fact that she had survived would mean that he would have to live with the duress of that guilt for the rest of his life… It was a terrible thought but he had never imagined he would have to face his sister again. Even though he loved her, his dear own sister, it would hurt him more to see how much he had caused her in the past. He wanted to forget about the past and he wanted it enough to the point that he wanted his sister to die in the Hunger Games.

But obviously, since he used his money to support her, there had been a small part of him that wanted her alive, just to give her that one last hug, and maybe say sorry and that he had loved her ever since the beginning. But now, since that one small part of him had its wish granted, he didn’t know whether he would actually go up to his own sister to talk to her again, to reminisce about their horrible past and about how much of a turn in their fortune this turned out to be. The problem was that no matter what, he would never be sure whether he would be going to his sister to bestow upon her the love she had always deserved, or would be just leeching off of her and her now near-infinite wealth.

On the subject of money, he did keep his financial status in mind. Money had always been something he had craved, something he had always had too little of. Now that his sister had great amounts of it, he knew that his selfish side would seek her out eventually. Even if his moral side (if Anani had a moral side), was able to fend off his selfish side for a while, he knew that his frugal lifestyle and the eventual augmenting, gnawing hunger would force him to crawl back to his sister, asking for her aid. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to turn out. It was supposed to be the older brother protecting the younger sister, telling her that everything would be alright and that he would fend for her. But no, this was the opposite of a typical cliché fairytale. It would be the evil, callous, selfish brother that would be begging for her mercy, her love and understanding of his misdeeds of the past.

He didn’t want that. He didn’t want to be the evil brother in the antithesis of a cliché fairytale. He wanted to be the brother with that last drop of goodness in him. He wanted to apologize. He wanted to apologize without turning to tears and earnest requests for some monetary gain. He just wanted to apologize and then walk away. That would be the best way for him to not be tempted. He wanted to atone for all the bad deeds he had done, and ask his sister for her forgiveness. He would let her know that he had loved her and that he still does love her. All he would ask in return is for her grace and her love in return. Not her money. He would refuse to stay with her.

As Anani mindlessly walked by the scarce crowd of the early morning, his eyes glazed over the far-off area where he knew his sister would be sleeping. With a shaky sigh, he began to venture towards the high-end houses where the victors of past Hunger Games resided. As if to forewarn him of the clash of his own virtuous and sinful desires, he felt another shudder down his spine as he dreaded even imagining the elegant and beautiful house his sister would be in. Trudging on towards his sister, people started to give annoyed and even angry glances towards the emaciated sixteen year old, dressed in rather dirty garbs. These stares and grumbles became worse as he drew nearer and nearer towards the highest-end of the houses in District 12. Without giving any notice to the rather detrimental remarks that passed through his ears, he continued to stare just in front of his feet as he slowly saw the remarkable houses that had been grouped together. Just the aura that radiated from the architecture that he had only dreamed of staying in almost persuaded him to turn around. He would never deserve anything of this magnitude. But no, he had come too far. He would talk to his sister. It had been way too long since they had been together.

As he walked up to the front steps of the comely, but grandiose household, he knocked diffidently on the intimidating doors of his sister’s abode. After some moments of anticipating a Peacekeeper coming to drag him away from a society where he didn’t belong, Anani relaxed a bit as he let out another sigh of anxiety. After cautiously looking around once more, he knocked once more on the doors with a rough, “Nisa?” Gulping rather audibly, he waited once again to see whether his sister would come out to greet him.