- i killed all the rainbows// {Semper}

Travelling with Colton is one thing, but travelling with Mellor tagging along is completely different game. I’ve always been able to look after Colton and myself, find enough food to calm the gnawing in our bellies, carry just enough water to fill us both. Mellor has his own supplies to keep him steady, luckily, and so I haven’t been forced to share very many things with him.

I haven’t found a reason to look down on Mellor but it takes me a while to be completely at ease with him. It’s odd enough to find another lone soul out in the woods, but another Avox? Never in all my life have I met a fellow tongue-less man in the wilderness. Runaway Avoxes are almost unheard of and two in one place is extremely rare. The almost eerie nature of us ending up together continues to nag in the back of my mind but I do all that I can to not let it affect how I view him. He gave Colton and I a little bar of food in the very beginning as a little peace offering and all throughout our trip he’s not made a single move against Colton or I.

Colton takes to him faster than I do: at first I’m wary about it but Colton persists so I let him ride up on Mellor’s shoulders. The little boy squees and giggles, reaching out and picking flowers and leaves off trees and sticking them in Mellor’s hair. Mellor doesn’t seem to mind it and that puts me a little more at ease. Maybe this rare occurrence of two runaway Avoxes isn’t so odd after all – perhaps I’ve just gotten a stroke of luck after all those downs. Besides, Mellor can pull his own weight and then some; he’s not been beaten down like I have (but isn’t that strange? I haven’t known a single Avox to get away unscathed from anything) and been dealt crippling cards like having a hand and a few fingers cut off. He’s hardy and stocky, obviously not having endured the harshness of the wilderness for an extended amount of time and unsure of what is edible. Maybe he survived by lying now in one of the districts, sticking with a family, like Jack’s, in order to stay hidden and safe.

Days turn into weeks, weeks into months. The travelling is hard on poor little Colton and so I, and sometimes Mellor, end up carrying him a good distance. At one point I recognize a break in the trees down in a low-lying valley and realize it’s train tracks. I write to Mellor that the tracks are our best chance to get into the Capitol and so we make a beeline for it.

And wait.

And wait.

And wait.

A dead line. We follow them to a Y and then sit by another set of rails and wait again, finding another dead one. It quickly gets frustrating but I try to not let it show; Colton’s getting restless and I need to keep him occupied. He about blows our cover one night and it takes everything I have to not just start panicking. All it takes is a little chip of chocolate to make him quiet.

Luckily a train does come. Mellor told me earlier that he knows all about trains and how they work so I follow him around the outpost while he finds a car for us to stow away in. Colton doesn’t particularly like having to be quiet for so long but I do my best to keep him occupied by letting him lick a piece of a wrapper that held a chocolate bar and things like that. I’m careful to keep him right next to me at all times so that he doesn’t wander anywhere near the open doors. There’ve been a few times I’ve let him sort of creep up and look outside and watch the trees and stuff pass by but I always keep a hold on his shirt or arm. Occasionally he points at a lone tree off in the distance, probably recognizing the shape of the canopy and thinking about its leaves, so I just smile and nod at him, watching the joy spark in his big brown eyes. It doesn’t take long before he yawns and makes a little whimper so I gently pull him back into the boxcar, letting him nestle into the spare jacket that acts as his makeshift bed. I look over at Mellor, catching his attention and patting the floor of the boxcar near us in an asking manner. It’s rather cold with the wind always whipping through but he shakes his head no, waving his hand that I just go on ahead. I don’t hesitate to curl up next to the little boy, waiting until he falls asleep before I close my eyes.

Whimper. ’uppy. Whimper. Whimper. ’uppy, ‘uppy.

I open my eyes and see the panicked face of Colton just inches from my own. Confusion crosses my face until I hear a loud crack and jump, my attention snapping around.

The train has stopped and there’s a man hovering above Mellor with a big black stick in his hand. It takes a moment before I realize that is happening and react – I put my hand out to tell Colton to stay where he is and I get up, a rumbling growl sounding from my chest as I run at the man, throwing my entire body against his side. Since Mellor is right next to the open door the man is too and even though I don’t weigh all that much the force of me running is enough to make the man stumble and run out of floor, falling out and onto the ground.

I quickly look around, trying to find something to strike the man down with. Every second that ticks by is just more time the man has to get up and sound the alarm of two stowaways in the train, and since we’re two Avoxes then it could very well be the death penalty for us and Colton. I find a piece of rebar lying in the corner and snatch it up, darting back over to the open door. The man’s just about gotten to his feet and his head it about at the level of the boxcar’s floor when I crack the rebar against the back of his head as hard as I can. The first one does nothing but make the guy yelp and swear, turning to look up at me, and so I swing it against his head again, this time on the side. Luckily the second blow is enough to either knock him out or be delirious because he falls back down and doesn’t move this time and that gives us a chance to escape.

When I look up I vaguely remember the skyline of the Capitol: candy buildings, exotic colors, and somehow the sky doesn’t even look natural here. Everything here is dangerous. I turn to Mellor and see what’s keeping him locked in place so I try to unhook it though it takes my trembling hand a few tries before it actually works. Whether or not he really sees it I hope he can tell by my frantic expression that the seconds are ticking by and we need to get out now before either someone finds the guard or he wakes up. Colton’s starting to whimper again so I quickly go over to him and give him a quick hug, trying to shove things back into the backpack at the same time. Once it’s all in I sling the backpack on and pick Colton up, holding him close and trying to hide his face so he doesn’t see the man on the ground.

I don’t know exactly where we need to go but we can’t stay here. I make sure Mellor is up and moving before I jump down from the boxcar but I freeze up.

We stick out like sore thumbs. We’re nearly starving and dressed like district citizens. People will recognize us as not one of their own. My mouth runs dry and I tighten my jaw, trying to decipher which way we need to go. There’s tops of what I think is apartments off to our left and I get the feeling that Luk’s apartment might be there. What other choice have we got? Without hesitation I hold Colton tighter and run, sticking to the shadows and dodging the rail yard workers.

Some things start to look familiar, such as street corners and signs. On the occasions where we have to cross through or around a group of people I’m sure to keep my head down, heart racing, breathing quick, hand trembling, hiding my shanty little hook of a hand from view. Colton, thankfully, is quiet the entire time, keeping his head tucked in the crook of my neck.

I walk quickly across a street and up to the familiar building where I know we can be safe. Open the door, go up the stairwell, then down the hall. I remember falling asleep in this hallway and waking up to see that Luk had draped a blanket across me and left a note saying that I could help myself to breakfast (honestly if that man isn’t a saint then I don’t know who is). I knock on the door quietly and wait. There’s no answer and I don’t hear any sounds coming from behind the door. Odd. I knock again but once more there’s no answer. I shift Colton on my other arm and reach out to test the door knob, finding it unlocked, so I slow push it open to reveal a dark and abandoned apartment.



((Sorry, I didn't know where to end it. D: ))

Gone, just… gone. A living, breathing, thinking human is gone without so much as even a trace left behind. Everything in the apartment is just how I remember it being, but the longer I look at the dusty and webby mess the previous glory of this little space starts fading. Colton starts squirming in my arms and whimpering so I set him down, letting him explore the apartment.

The first night I was brought here I remember being sat down at the table while Luk went around doing things. He gave me water after the train ride, he cooked up soup for me so it’d be easier to swallow, and he bandaged up my wrists after the handcuffs had dug into my skin and left them raw and bleeding. Absentmindedly I look down at my wrists (even though the right one was cut off a little short) and can still see the light and puffy scars that the handcuffs gave me. The physical wounds have healed but I can already feel emotional ones ripping open as if a blade were slicing through. Where is Luk? Is he okay? The penalty for an Avox doing anything they’re not supposed to is very severe, but the penalty for a Capitolite or anyone else helping out someone like me and Mellor could be death. My breath catches in my throat and suddenly I feel very lightheaded. What if Luk’s dead because of me?

My lungs fight for air and I suck it in eagerly, unable to supply myself with a sufficient amount to keep myself on an even keel. My hand reaches out but finds no surface and I end up stumbling sideways until I reach the wall, curling my fingernails against the painted wall. I bring my other arm up and press the curved end of the shanty hook against my chest as if it’ll somehow calm me. A futile attempt, really; I still gasp for air, eyes wide with the dark room spinning, my mind racing. What if someone saw us? What if someone reported Luk for letting me go? Is that even punishable to hand over an Avox to a district citizen? But above all else stands the fact that Luk has been gone for a very long time, otherwise his apartment wouldn’t be this messy. He never left anything trashy. Or… or maybe he just went on a trip for that journalism thing he does. That possibility calms me down when I think of him being alive and hopping around with that notepad of his, scrawling down notes to fabricate together into the next hot story for the Capitol’s newspaper. I take a deep breath and hold it in, thumping my head against my hand on the wall.

There’s a tugging on my pant leg that brings me out of my panicked trance. I look down and see that Colton’s found a dark blue fleece blanket and he holds it up triumphantly, grinning from ear to ear. My heart’s still racing but his little face brings a small smile to my own and I straighten up, giving him a light pat on the head with my hand. He balls his little fists up in the material and waddles away with it trailing behind him. I feel almost as if I shouldn’t let him be taking Luk’s stuff like this but all the Capitolite ever did was help me so I doubt he’d mind.

Colton wanders into the kitchen and I follow, trying to ignore how lifeless the place has become. Mellor’s scrounging around, more than likely looking for food, but what things is he going to find here? The only unspoiled stuff is probably in cans but I don’t remember where Luk kept those – in the cabinet, most likely, but this is the Capitol, do they really have canned food here? Colton, mimicking Mellor’s actions, starts pulling open what drawers and cabinets he can reach, leaving them open. I highly doubt the little guy knows we’re searching for something but at least it’s keeping him occupied. He takes to new places and change rather well, much to my relief and amazement. Colton’s quite the little trooper and oftentimes it saddens me when I realize how awful of a situation he’s in. Living out in the wilderness, no friends, only knowing one or two words, an Avox for a father. It’s the last one that really guts me deep. I want him to have a good life under the best conditions he can get but I’m holding him back with my own selfishness of wanting to raise him. I’m just dead weight to him and that realization hurts.

I look away from my little boy and sit down at the table, feeling useless by not helping to look through the cabinets. I should get up but I don’t, suddenly feeling terribly exhausted and overwhelmed. We’re on our own here now. I hope Mellor has a very good reason for being here.

Graphic credit to Mylee <3

Colton searches through the low cabinets, taking out little pots and pans that he finds, examining each of them. I’ve never exposed him to any cooking utensils other than spoons so the look of awe on his face amuses me. He clangs a few together, experimenting with the sounds until it bores him. How wonderful it must be to still be so oblivious to all the hardships in the world. I’ve done my best to not let him know the strains of starvation, thirst, being subjected to hate, all the normal things an Avox faces on a daily basis, but I can only protect him for so long. Eventually he’s going to start piecing things together and asking questions (assuming he’s learned to speak by then) and wondering why I am the way I am. What am I going to tell him? That I’m an Avox? That I lost my hand in a fight and a few fingers from frostbite? That we’re in the woods because I have no home to take him to? He’s going to view me so differently some day and honestly I’m not ready for it.

The toddler meanders and finds himself a stack of magazines and newspapers, flipping through pages and looking at nothing in particular. Mellor spots the papers and heads over, ruffling Colton’s hair and making him giggle. If I’ve learned anything about Mellor over this past month it’s that he’s not as scary as he looked to be at the beginning. Wandering in the wilderness certainly takes a toll on a person’s body and it did for Mellor, but his personality is what is more noticeable. Colton absolutely adores him and I know he has fun riding on Mellor’s shoulders and throwing little twigs and leaves at him, and it sometimes puts me at ease to know that there’s someone I can trust with my little boy so I can sleep properly for once. Colton giggles up at the man and sticks his tongue out at him and in return Mellor mimics the gesture by sticking his own tongue out at him—

Stone-cold fear immediately sets in and I can feel my skin start crawling. Mellor turns his attention to the newspapers and magazines but I know I saw it – I know what I saw. My stomach starts twisting into tight knots and I look at Colton, who is waddling back over to his pots and pans, and I make a quiet but urgent grunt to get his attention. It takes one or two more tries before the little boy hears and turns to look at me and I motion with my hand for him to quickly come over to where I am. He trots over, looking up curiously, and I hold my hand out to tell him to stay. He gives a little nod and I do my best to quietly stand up, trying to not let the chair legs squeak against the tile on the ground.

I check to make sure Colton is staying in place before I start silently approaching Mellor from behind. I know what I saw and what I saw terrifies me. All of a sudden everything I thought I knew about Mellor I assume is a lie – this man is no Avox, so what is he? A spy, perhaps, or an undercover Peacekeeper. But he helped me and Colton, surely he can’t be bad. But what if all that was just a friendly façade? He could have just done that to lure me in, get me into the Capitol so that I’ll be trapped when he finally decides to take me down. Runaway Avoxes can suffer the most severe of punishments and right now Colton’s life is at risk, too, if Mellor isn’t what he told me he was.

While Mellor’s attention is preoccupied I prepare myself, knowing that if he fights back I’ll be the one that goes down. I’m so light and frail compared to him but I have the element of surprise on my side; I suddenly lurch my entire weight at him, knocking him in the side so that he falls, and I quickly follow his motion, landing on top of him.

Quick, quick, quick! My hand and hook go straight for his face: the hook to keep it in place and the hand to pry his mouth open. It takes a lot of forcing but I’m finally able to see inside and what I find only solidifies something I had hoped wasn’t true. A tongue. He’s not an Avox. Hastily I get up and off of him, backing away so fast that I just about stumble over my own feet as I try to get back to Colton. The little guy’s got a terrified look on his face and I quickly usher him back behind a nearby wall, glancing frequently to make sure Mellor isn’t about to jump me.

How could I have been so stupid? How did I miss all of the signs? I should have known better and done something at the start. For a solid month I took his silence to be a mutual understanding between us but now – now I realize how naïve I was. There’s no such odds for two runaway Avoxes meeting in the woods, much less one in the condition I found him him. He played me like a fiddle for a whole fucking month and I’ve allowed him to lead Colton and I straight into the Capitol. I defended him, I bludgeoned a damn guard for him! The fear sets in deep and all I can manage to do in snarl at him in the most savage way I know. Hearing Colton’s whimpers only makes me angrier and more terrified at the same time. It’s one thing to bring me into a mess but to include my own son is unforgivable.

Mellor can very easily take advantage of me due to his size but I have a hook. I raise the shanty weapon in front of me, pointing it at him, taking a defensive stance and daring him to make a move toward me. He has quite a bit of explaining to do and I urge him to start talking by giving a sudden, demanding bark. If you want to keep your tongue then you better start talking or I’ll turn you into a real Avox, traitor.

Graphic credit to Mylee <3

Mellor sticks his hands up like he did the very first day we met and tells me he’s sorry but I don’t believe him. I’m not going to take any more chances with him. The guy backs up and knocks over pots and pans that clang loudly on the floor but I keep a steady, icy glare on him. What the hell could you get carried away with by not speaking? The stupidity of what he’s saying doesn’t settle well with me and I can’t wrap my head around it. I just don’t understand. Why would he stay silent for so long? Pretend to be our friend for a month? All he had to do was just tell me in the beginning that he doesn’t talk a lot and I would’ve been fine with endless days of silence.

A little whimper from behind causes me to turn my head. Colton’s looking out from behind the corner of the wall with wide, fearful eyes, little balled fists up by his face. I can see the glistening in his eyes and I know he’s on the verge of crying, but be it from fear or concern I don’t know. He’s capable of much more compassion than I truly realize so maybe he still sees Mellor as a friend, someone he can climb all over and giggle with, someone to play wrestle with. Colton may not remember specific events but I know he can remember emotions, and every emotion he’s ever felt in the presence of Mellor was a happy one.

I want to reach out and hold his hand but to do that would be to anchor myself and cause myself to be vulnerable should Mellor decide to attack. I motion to Colton to scoot a little further back behind the wall and he does so, turning away and quickly waddling over to the corner and huddling down. He’s not terribly safe but I feel better with a wall between him and this—this traitor.

”We’re on the same side here, Devroux.” And what side is that? Is he really going to side with a true Avox, the lowest of the low, treated worse than the dirt a Capitolite brushes off their shoes? No one helps an Avox – but what about Jack? Lily? Luk? Each of them were kind to me and friendly, offering me a home even if it was temporary. They gave me food, kept watch over me, restored a little of my faith in the humanity of strangers. And here, in Luk’s apartment, was where part of my faith was sewn back together. At Lily’s house, in Five, she gave me soup (and later Colton in a roundabout way) and clothes despite how many times I told her it wasn’t necessary. Then, at Jack’s house, I was treated like one of family. An honorary Lexington. Jack’s mother was the one that saved me from losing my other hand from frostbite and I know she would have bandaged me up if I had returned to their house after I was publicly whipped and shot. And even in the Uprising, when what’s-her-face shot me in the shoulder after I misjudged a weapon toss during training, they didn’t leave me to just bleed out and die. Maybe Mellor is like them. Maybe he really means us no harm.

Warily I look at him, noticing the pleading look on his face. I don’t see any sort of resentment, no ‘it’s about damn time you figured it out’ expression, or anything like that. He hasn’t made a charge at me or spat abuse, he hasn’t had a go at Colton, he hasn’t thrown anything. I keep my hook up and at the ready, the sharp, jagged tip pointed at him just in case. For the moment I guess I can believe what he’s telling me but I need an explanation. I haven’t asked him about his motives but now I’m worried that whatever he wants to do will end up with Colton or I either dead or in jail. I move my hand in a rolling gesture and then hold it out with the palm up, my shoulders shifting up and down, asking for some sort of explanation.

Graphic credit to Mylee <3

It strikes me now, of all the possible times, that Mellor doesn’t know why I’m an Avox. He pulls a low on one me, though – ”You’re the one without a tongue!” He doesn’t know – he doesn’t know how I became this way. He doesn’t know how I took the fall for my brothers. I sacrificed my entire future for my brothers and here Mellor is saying that he’s somehow better than me just because he’s got a damn mass of slick muscle in his mouth. His accusation that I’m the one who’s wrong only sparks my anger more. Mellor’s generalizing. He’s stereotyping. There’s nothing I can do to change what’s happened to me.

It’s then too that I realize we’re both being hypocrites: I never once asked him why he wanted to come here and he never asked me why I became an Avox. Neither of us really truly knows anything about one another; we’ve formulated a stereotype of each other in our heads and now it’s spilling over into the relationship between us. I want to believe what he’s saying but my hook wavers in the air between us. A small part of me says I can believe this brute of a boy in front of me but my instincts won’t let my guard down. I’ve had too many run-ins to not feel safe around people other than those who have proven to me they’re harmless. Mellor hasn’t hurt me or Colton in any way. He gave us food, he helped keep watch at night, he never stole anything. Maybe he’s a Jack, or a Lily, or a Luk. I realize that I’ve been stereotyping him, too: I fully believed that all non-Avoxes were mean and looked down upon people like me. Mellor wasn’t like them until I suddenly went on the defense because I was wrong about who I thought he was. But he’s still wrong, too, because I’m not who he thinks I am.

I’ve gotten myself so worked up that it takes quite a bit of effort and convincing to slowly lower my hook. He’s right – I never asked him about his motives so I’m wrong to be pulling this stunt against him. He’d take me down in a heartbeat, too. He’s twice my size and even after a month of eating nothing but meager scraps he’s still got more mass on him than I’ve ever had. I’ve already lost the fight. It takes another moment of internal debate before I lower the hook completely, growling quietly and angrily at myself. I’ve been a fool and I’m still a fool, but I’m not a heartless monster. Mellor says his parents are somewhere here in the Capitol and if he went so far as to trust a complete stranger – a “criminal” at that – to smuggle him into the candy-colored borders then I think I can believe his story.

He tosses a newspaper toward me and it slides across the floor, showing a picture of two people in awful-colored suits. I bite my lip, finding the look very familiar. Everything about that picture is familiar minus the faces. I remember seeing those people looming over me in the hovercraft, wielding blades and prying my mouth open. To me the picture is terrifying and dredges up memories I’d love to forget, but to Mellor it’s something very different. Those two people are his parents, the ones who raised him, and it must be a shock to him to find out what they really are. Honestly I feel sorry for him. He came all this way and I’m pretty sure this wasn’t the answer he was expecting.

My jaw sets tightly at his words. Go back willingly to the people that destroyed my dignity and stripped away my humanity? Should I? Could I? Would I be able to face the people that annihilated my life? Fear starts to creep back up and I take a step away from Mellor, turning my head slightly as if I’m trying to look away but unable to. I don’t know what to do – I don’t know what to do. I know where the Avox center is but I was avoxed in a hovercraft, not here in the Capitol. But to go back to that place? There’s still scars on my wrists from where their handcuffs dug into my skin and ripped it open. My hand snakes around my stump of a wrist and gently rubs the puffy scars that almost look like stripes. Even if I went to show Mellor where the building is I’d have to leave Colton here because there’s no way in hell I’d risk taking him anywhere near that place, but I don’t want to leave him alone. I’m not going to.

I turn away from him and go over to the corner where Colton has been huddled. He still looks frightened but I guess since I’ve stopped snarling he’s calmed down a good bit; I extend a hand to him and he grabs onto my fingers, using me to pull himself up. He trails behind me as I wander around the kitchen, searching for a pencil and piece of paper. Once I find some I let go of Colton’s hand and take the supplies to the table and sit down while he crawls up into my lap as I take hold of the pencil.

It’s a terribly rough sketch and I’m pretty sure I’m missing a few roads but it’s enough for Mellor to go off of. I label distinct landmarks that I remember. A fountain. Some statue. A particularly colored building. It’s a terrible drawing but descriptive enough that I think he’ll be able to find it. I put labels, us, and then, Avox center. Then, at the bottom of the page: just come back, okay?

Graphic credit to Mylee <3