As If Death Itself Was Undone // [Kire]

[Kire]

Cordelia Iraen Eaglebrooke
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

I meet little resistance as I pull him to his feet and drag him to the window. He stares out the window with me, but I can't see his face to try and judge what his thoughts might be. It was somewhat more exciting that way, though more terrifying at the same time. Would he think I was crazy? He hadn't yet, so I doubted that this would change his opinion of me so drastically. The clap of thunder is so loud and so booming that it rattles my heart in my chest - though that may just be because of how close Colgate is. When I squeeze his hand it's like the lightning has broken through the glass to strike my arm, sending shocks and tingles all throughout my body, repeating and echoing each time and each place we connect. The thunder rumbles in his chest as I lean against him.

The sound of his heart nearly matches the storm's roar.

My face is beginning to hurt from smiling so broadly, and I want him to know that this makes me happy - even if it's in a stupid, drunk way. I haven't felt nearly so at peace in such a long while as I did in this moment. "Cordelia," his voice rumbles against my back like the sound of the lightning that had struck between us earlier had only now reached our ears. I want to hold onto that feeling, that sound. It sounds like comfort. "Please don’t think I’m awkward or whatever, and don’t laugh." I'm not laughing, but I felt as though my face would crack and peel if my smile got any larger. "And I don’t wanna be rude or anything and I know we’re not all that sober, but –"

There's a note in his voice that makes me move so I can see his face. On his mouth is a grin to match my own, and there's something in his eyes that resonates with my core. Even the few centimeters I had to pull away to be able to see his face was too much distance. I felt drawn to him like we were two magnets, the draw of polar opposites so strong that I might snap back against his chest if I didn't hold myself away with all of my strength.

I barely notice the red tinge to his cheeks, which is only visible in the flashes of white lightning and could be caused from a number of factors - not the least of which being that he was most likely as tipsy as me. We were both very aware of the fact that we weren't sober, a knowledge confirmed by his last words, but the thing was that I didn't care. He still seemed to, though, at least enough to say something about it. The pause as he searched for words - or courage - was making me nervous, and I thought I might start shaking. He breathed in, about to speak, and the sound of it so close to me made me shiver.

It had been so long since I had been this close to anyone, physically or otherwise.

"Can I kiss you? You can say no, I just.. I didn’t wanna be too forward or disrespect you or –" His words drop of but I don't need to hear the rest of that sentence. In all honesty, I hadn't really heard the first part. All that had reached me was the first question. "Can I kiss you?" He had asked me not to laugh but I wanted to, not in mocking but in pleasurable surprise. Braver than I - or perhaps just a little more tipsy - he had been able to ask what I could have never convinced myself to.

"Disrespect, my ass." I released his hand and stretched both of mine up to grab the collar of his shirt. Perhaps I had really had too much, or perhaps it has simply been too long since I had connected with anyone, but normally I would never be this forward. It was rather nice to not care, though. Tugging hard, I brought his face down and stood up on my toes.

Then I kissed him, rather more forcefully than I thought I would, and definitely way more than I probably should have.

I drew back, but only far enough so that his eyes came into focus again. "I don't want to be lonely anymore, Colgate." His name came out almost like a sigh, and I looked him in the eyes. Electric shocks were pinging through every nerve in my body and for a moment I thought I might just fall over. I kept his shirt in a tight grip, though, determined to stay standing - and to keep him where his face was level with mine.

In the back of my mind, the endless ditty of murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer faded into the background to be drowned out by the latest f l a s h and roll of lighting and thunder, which happened at nearly the same time now.

I'm about to say something, but it feels too much like a promise and I can't bring myself to promise a stranger anything more than what I know of tonight. Instead, it echoes twice in my mind before joining the growing rabble in the distance.

You make me think that it's possible.

[Sunrise Rainier D2 // [Thundy]]

______________________

And the highway signs say we're close
but I don't read those things anymore
I never trusted my own eyes

When the words slip through my lips, I regret them instantly. She even looks like she’s about to laugh at me, and my face goes redder than it already is, and it’s hard to make eye contact. This kinda vulnerability doesn’t suit me, and I just want to throw a blanket over my eyes and pretend like it never happened, ‘cause I can see the words shaping in her mind: “No.. but it was polite of you to ask.”

Instead, she does something I don’t expect.

She lets go of my hand and grabs at my collar. ”Disrespect, my ass.”

A second later, Cordelia pulls my face down and stands up on her toes, pressing her lips to mine with a force that throws me off guard. I almost fall over from surprise, but her hands are locked around my collar and she keeps me steady. My heart’s pounding so fast it feels like it’s gonna explode, and I don’t really know what to do with my hands, but it doesn’t matter – I don’t care. She’s so close that I wanna wrap my arms around her and hold her tight against me, and nothing else means anything at all compared to this moment.

When she pulls away, her face is only inches from mine, and she speaks softly. ”I don’t want to be lonely anymore, Colgate.” Her eyes are barely in focus, and I can feel her breath on my lips as she speaks, and it’s so warm and comforting that I want to be even closer, pressed against her lips and her neck and her chest, bodies inseparable. The buzz from the alcohol is setting my heart on fire, and I can’t stop myself from leaning in again and pressing my lips to hers.

Gentle.

It’s the smallest of kisses, but I linger when I pull away, savoring the warmth and the closeness of her. Our faces are still inches apart, and I move to press her against the window just so I can be closer.

I settle one hand against her cheek and hold her face in my hands, and I kiss her softly – once, twice, three times, slowly but surely. With each kiss I grow more comfortable, more courageous, and I venture away from her mouth, pausing for a moment before I kiss her cheek.

When I move my lips to her ear, my voice is barely a whisper. ”Me neither,” I breathe, a stupid toothy grin spreading over my face. With inhibition lost, I press my other hand against her waist and lean closer against the window, planting a kiss softly against the curve of her neck. My chest heaves with nervous breaths, and none of the moves I make are done with outright force. My lips barely graze the skin of her neck when I kiss her again, and when I pull a few inches away – searching her eyes for any sign of discontent – my face is awash with red, a shy blush painting my cheeks.

”Is this.. okay?”

[Kire]

Cordelia Iraen Eaglebrooke
This is as good a place to fall as any
We'll build our alter here

I feel like we might fall over at any moment, and I don't care. It's a breathless feeling, one of a happy suspense and if we did fall over it would be alright because we would fall together. We stay standing, though, each balancing and counterbalancing on the other. I can feel his muscles tense and ease, like he doesn't know what to do with arms, legs, hands, body. I can see his eyes go wide. He shifts closer, only so much that I can barely feel the difference, but there's something in the movement that tells me that I'm not the only one feeling the need to collide.

His lips on mine confirms it as he lightly leans in again. I part my lips, wanting more, but he's already drawn back. Shy. I could have guessed as much, though it felt like there was something more to it, something more hesitating. Nervous. Of course, we had barely met each other and yet it felt like we had known one another for a very long time. There was a chord in my heart that was warning me about moving too quickly, drawing back the incessant beat of he's a murderer murderer murderer, he's a murderer murderer murderer, count the bodies five, murderer murderer murderer murderer murderer. I ignored it in favour of the humming in my veins and the desperate aching need to be close to him.

The need rises in him as he drives me back against the window sill. My mouth turns up in a sly grin and I look at him as our bodies get closer. His hand rises to my cheek and I lean my head against it, still grinning. Something had pulled him past at least some of the nerves that he had shown before. My lips are still curved up as he leans in again, and again, and again, just long enough each time to get the scent of him before he draws away once more. It feels like a game, like he's teasing me, but I don't think he sees it that way. Each small taste is driving me further and further from any warning that my mind might be sending.

Something in his face grows more pronounced each time we touch, each time he presses his lips against mine, and I find myself drawn to it. Confidence. He's gaining it, little by little, but there is still plenty of awkward hesitation left in his body. The moment he pauses before placing his lips to my cheek reiterates that last thought. Everything is gentle with him, all purposeful but not necessarily with full conviction.

His breath is warm on my cheek and ear as he moves, his mouth now hovering beside my head. I shiver, the feeling leaving me somewhat short of breath. "Me neither," he says and oh god I don't remember what he was replying to. The past couple minutes had just faded away in the light of those butterfly kisses. Suddenly his other hand is on my waist and he's leaning me right against the window. There is no where to go, I'm pinned, but instead of terrifying me I simply find it exhilarating.

Another butterfly lands on my neck and I sigh, the sound drawn from me without thought. My face turns to the side, pressing further into his hand until I have it trapped against the window. The glass is cool on my burning cheeks, though almost startling in the difference of temperature. Outside, the rain continues to fall.

A second butterfly lands beside the first, wings flapping lightly. My eyes close and I just want to stay here a moment. When I feel the sudden space between us as he leans back, my eyes once again open and I look at him. "Is this.. okay?" I let out a low breathy sound that's meant to be a light laugh but doesn't come out properly. My lungs have given up any notion of breathing properly and I alternate between full breaths and shallow puffs. "It's" - I want to say okay but somehow the word doesn't seem to be enough - "perfect." I breathe the word, unable to properly speak while my body has abandoned normal functionality.

The cool glass behind me keeps me steady while his hand on my face warms me to the core. I look into those eyes of his and there's a flash of something. Instantly, I'm diving forward like I'm drowning, desperate to steal the air from his mouth. A memory, or an idea of a memory, held me there in a sense of panic urgency until I had to breathe.

From the far wall, there's a low chuckle. "There's a room upstairs you could use," the bartender is grinning at us. Looks like he is enjoying the show. Lifting a hand, he dangles a key in our direction. "I won't even charge you for it." The grin on his face would have been mocking if he didn't seem quite so interested. I'm sorely tempted to just ignore him and continue on as though we hadn't been interrupted, but he brought up a point.

How far are we going?

I'm looking into Colgate's face, trying to see what he's thinking but right now there isn't much I can discern. The warning chorus in my head crescendos like it's now or never to convince me. I suppose it is, because if we take that key I know what we're getting into and I can't turn around and say that I never meant for it to happen.

I didn't mean for this to happen, but that didn't mean I didn't want it to happen.

Leave it up to him.

I search his eyes, wondering what he'll say, or what I'll say, or what we'll do. All I hope is that the incessant melody in my skull isn't making me show the worry that's beginning to prick at my heart. My body still feels drawn to his, but I've gained some of the hesitation he's been showing so much. You barely know him, my mind says. You know he's killed people, there's a counterargument in it, but ultimately they're on the same side. It's my body that tells my mind no, I will not step away. Something about this feels right, no matter what he has done.

"Colgate?"

I try to sum up everything I'm thinking to those two syllables, emphasizing that it's his choice. I don't want to think anymore. What my brain says and what my body tells me are two different things but they're starting to become one again. The heat of him is drawing me closer again and what gap there is between us once more feels too large. I press myself against him, leaning my head on his shoulder so my mouth is right next to his neck. "What do you think?"

My lips touch the base of his neck lightly, a butterfly flying from my own neck to land on his throat. I don't want to press him, but the need to feel, really feel, that I don't have to be alone anymore leaves me wanting him to take that key.

Please.

[Sunrise Rainier D2 // [Thundy]]

______________________

I was scared of dentists and the dark
I was scared of pretty girls and starting conversations

I watch her with wide, expectant eyes, observing the way she breathes when I pull away. Though it’s only a few inches, the distance feels wrong, and I’m tempted to lean into her again, listening for her answer with my mouth pressed against her neck. But I don’t. This is her decision, and I don’t want to do anything that might make her upset, be it a kiss on the cheek or.. well, more than that. All I can do is hope that I’m not causing a problem.

”It’s..” she pauses, breathing out the word like she can’t form a sentence. ”Perfect.”

And then she leans forward, surprising me with another kiss. My heart’s pounding with every move she makes, and I pull my hand away from her face, trailing it down the expanse of her arm, more sure, more confident than I was just a moment ago. This feels like nothing I’ve ever felt before, but it’s good to kiss her, to have her so close and so willing to reciprocate, and the urgency behind her lips removes any hesitation that lingers in the back of my mind.

The only thing that stops us from continuing is the bartender, whose laugh is coming from somewhere behind me.

”There’s a room upstairs you could use,” and I turn my head to see him out of the corner of my eye, ‘cause looking at his face would involve relinquishing her closeness, and I’m not willing to let her go just yet. And even from here, barely looking at him, I can tell he’s grinning at the both of us, treating this whole thing kinda like a show. ”I won’t even charge you for it,” he adds, holding up the key for us to see. And God, if that key doesn’t look like the nicest thing in the world..

I turn to throw a questioning glance at Cordelia, and I feel a shock spread through my body when I see her looking back at me. But if I’m not mistaken, I see a flicker of doubt fly across her face, and my heart sinks.

”Colgate?” she asks, forming my name into a question.

So this is my choice, but I don’t want it to be. I want to know that she’s not hesitating, that I won’t make the wrong move by picking up the key. And when she presses herself closer against me, settling her lips close to my neck, it’s a wonder that I can make any intelligent decisions at all.

”What do you think?” she breaths, kissing my neck ever-so-softly.

I want her so much.

A smile breaks across my face, and her closeness suddenly doesn’t feel like enough, even with her body pressed against mine and her mouth lingering against my neck. And it’s no longer a question of if I will accept the room key, but when.

”Just a second,” I laugh, turning my head back to the amused bartender. ”I’m a little busy.”

And I am, ‘cause I’m taking my time, glancing down to meet her gaze with fire in my heart. A moment later, I plant another kiss on the middle of her forehead, the side of her temple, the underside of her jaw. I pull back for just a moment, eyes alight with pure, unadulterated need as I register the look on her face, and then I’m kissing her with a force that I didn’t even know I had in me, pulling her closer than ever with arms wrapped tight around her waist.

God.

My heart’s speeding away like a freight train, and it feels like an eternity before I pull away. And though I don’t want to be apart from her for more than a second, I step back and walk over to pluck the key out of his hand, immediately feeling the absence of her touch.

When I walk back, I reach for her hand and drop the key in her palm.

And I hold my chin up, smiling all crooked from ear to ear.

[Kire]

Cordelia Iraen Eaglebrooke
Make me your Maria
I'm already on my knees

I can feel the surprise on his lips, and I revel in it. When he moves his hand to trail along my arm in a touch that made goosebumps rise on my flesh I smiled against his mouth. We're pressed together in desperation, trying to find any way to get closer with limited success. He pulls away as the barman gestures with the key, and even that brief expanse it too much. I'm so close to pulling him back but I have to let him decide.

His gaze is questioning as he looks at me, and when he meets my eyes I can see the moment of sadness in them that tells me I was not successful at disguising my worry. I just hoped my next action would show him that I wasn't really having doubts, not anymore anyway. I had made up my mind, he just had to make his own up.

The beaming smile on his face is whitened further by the lightning that strikes as I look at him. It tells me that he has come to the same conclusion as I have. Suddenly I want him to take that key right now and lead me up the stairs because a hunger has grown in my soul that I need to fill or I would die.

I can feel Colgate shift against me, turning his head to look at our audience of one. "Just a second," his laugh rumbles through me like the thunder, "I’m a little busy." I trail my lips along his collarbone. Yes, he was quite busy. Still, I knew that if didn't grab that key I wouldn't be able to satiate the need that had built up in me. I was sure he felt that same need, too, but he balanced a few more moments now compared to a few more moments upstairs - not that I had anywhere to go tomorrow - and it drove me into further desperation.

His eyes are filled with an expression that matched the feeling in my chest and I am tempted to just forget about the room and the bartender and lay him out on the floor right then. Except I don't. The kiss he plants on my forehead, on my temple, and finally on my jaw manage to keep me at bay until he presses his lips against mine again with enough force to push me flat against the wall again. Then his hands snake around my waist and I'm no longer pressed against the wall but his body, nearly crushed. I don't want him to let go, though, I don't want it to end even though I'm having trouble breathing. That might just be because my heart is beating so fast.

When he pulls away I gasp at the suddenness of it. As he walks over to the bartender I'm just about ready to cling to him like a five year old, arms wrapped around a parent's leg as they go to leave their child at school for the first one. The loss is tangible, and a hand rises to follow him. Right when I think I might just rush at him and leap into his arms again he's back. In my outstretched hand is now the little key.

For the first time this entire evening, my face is fully flushed and the humming in my veins is no longer caused by drink. His chin is lifted, nearly turning his face out view but I can still see the large grin on it. The way it sits, all crooked and proud, makes me close my hand tightly around the key and grab one of his hands. I began to drag him towards the stairs frantically as the hunger rose up in my chest. "Hurry up," it was almost a growl, but not of anger. The tone was almost teasing, but even I could hear the utter desperation in it.

I wanted - needed - to be behind that door

right fucking now.

[Sunrise Rainier D2 // [Thundy]]

______________________

I was scared of dentists and the dark
I was scared of pretty girls and starting conversations

Though I’m almost a foot taller than her and my gait’s got the advantage, Cordelia pulls me by the hand and I can hardly keep up as she drags me out of the room and up the stairs, and I can vaguely hear the bartender mumbling something under his breath, laughing at the pair of us. Nevertheless, I’m too gone to care. My blood’s pumping so fast that I can feel it in my ears, and her hand in mine as she drags me away feels like some sort of promise of the future.

We’ve made this decision, and now that it’s real, I’m utterly terrified. I think I need another drink.

”Hurry up," she urges me forward, and suddenly we’re at the room, standing just at the edge of the inevitable.

I lean up sideways against the door frame as she fiddles with the key, and I hope she doesn’t notice the sudden look of worry playing across my face. She looks so sure of herself, and it occurs to me that I’m completely vulnerable in this situation, armed only with inexperience. I feel like a kid again, making mistakes and ruining possible relationships with awkward words and a constant level of cluelessness, and I don’t want her to think me stupid. The smile drops from my face, but my rapid heartbeat doesn’t cease as she opens the door.

When we walk into the room, I try not to look too much like a deer in the headlights, and I throw a smile on my face so she doesn’t think I’ve suddenly changed my mind.

And I haven’t – not really.

I remove whatever space there is between us by pinning her against the door when it shuts, pressing her body against mine with more force than before. Here, there is nobody lingering to watch us with an intrusive gaze, and I revel in the heat of her body against mine, more comfortable now that we’re not being observed. Even so, this is so private and intimate that she intimidates me more than ever before, and for the first time it occurs to me that this woman is basically a stranger.

(But I don’t care, ‘cause my mouth trails down her chin and neck and onto the expanse of her collarbone, anxious breaths tearing through my chest, and I know I’d be just as nervous if this woman were someone I’d known my whole life.)

The truth of the matter is, I’ve never done something like this before – not with anyone. The first person I ever kissed was Leon, him of all people, and we never went far. With him it was always teasing, flirting, and I was too unsure of him to do anything else about it. It kinda hurt to have a crush on him, so I stopped. And there were other crushes too, besides him and Siren Baitwell. Mainly it was girls I never actually talked to because I didn’t have the time, not with the work I had to do. I don’t have an excuse for the past few years, not since I won the Games. I couldn’t really pretend like some of the people in District Nine weren’t interested, because they were, but I think that was more because I’m a victor and less because I’m actually the kind of person they would find attractive.

A part of me thought people would want me for my fame, and another part was..

Well, afraid. The kind of afraid that I am right now.

”Cordelia,” I breathe, trailing my lips back up to her ear.

I want her, but she’s enough of a woman to scare a man to death.

I pull my face a few inches away, staring at her through worried eyes. ”I hope it’s alright, but I’m not – I mean, I’ve never..”

I trail off, a fiery blush spreading across my cheeks. As close as we are, pressed together like this against the door, I swear she can feel the nerves overtake me. I can't say the words.

[Kire]

Cordelia Iraen Eaglebrooke
You had Jesus on your breath
And I caught him in mine

He lags behind me, but not because he's slow. I'm racing - or rather charging - towards the door, using all of my strength to drag him with me. Our interlocked hands are sending ripples of heat through my body and I'm biting my lower lip in order to try to hold myself off until the door is safely shut behind us. I can feel the pulse in his thumb, so soft it's like a butterfly flapping its wings. Or perhaps a hummingbird, with the speed it's going. I know my heart is beating just as fast, and the thought makes me grin.

I let go of his hand in order to stuff the key into the lock. It takes me a few times because I'm rushing, fumbling madly at the little object until finally the door clicks open. That done, I regain possession of his hand as I drag him those few steps into the room. Then I turn to him. I expect to see the same need in his eyes as I had downstairs, the same desperation that I was feeling now, but the look I get isn't that. I can still see the desire there, that hasn't faded, but the smile on his face is back to looking strained and his eyes are a little bit wider than they had been just a moment ago. I pass it off as nerves, understandable in this situation - I was having a few myself, my stomach jumping like it was full of grasshoppers - and step to shut the door.

The moment the lock clicks he's there. My back is pressed up against the door and his entire body pins me there. It's as though he's willing us to become one without even bothering with the required steps. So close, he was so close and that moment was so close. I wanted to reach it now, but with him pinning me there was no way for me to make the necessary arrangements. Clothes were still an undesirable factor, but for a moment I forgot everything as his mouth places little kisses from my chin and down my neck. I forget how to breathe as his lips mark a path along my collarbone.

It all comes back as his lips brush my ear. His own breath isn't steady either, which I was amused to hear. "Cordelia," the word traces the inside of my ear, making a violent shiver ripple down my spine. So close. "Colgate." His name comes out as a sigh, and I'm ready to take up his mouth with mine again when he leans a little away from me. His entire body is pressed tight against me but the valley between his lips and mine feels like a massive canyon. "I hope it’s alright, but I’m not – I mean, I’ve never.."

He's turned scarlet, and it takes me a moment to put his words into meaning. "Ohhh," I breathe, looking at him and smiling. "That's alright." I extract my hand from where it's pinned at my side and reach out to trace his neck, light at a down feather. "You'll learn." I stand up on my tip toes in order to place a kiss at the joining of neck and shoulder, right where my fingers had just been, then I gently pried myself free of him - instantly longing for the contact again.

I turned away from him, walking slowly to the bed. As I stood beside it, I hooked a hand under each strap of my dress and slid them down my shoulders.

I let the fabric fall to my feet, silent as a cloud, before turning back to him.

"Come here."

f a d e  t o  b l a c k

Sweating our confessions
The undone and the divine

Finis

[googlefont="Allura:400"]