elspeth goravich-crow, d3 (wip)

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elspeth goravich-crow 🐦‍⬛



district three
sixteen and three-quarters

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tw; infant death

🧚 🧚🧚

when i was born, they dragged me into the world
infantile,  deep blue, depleted by blood-loss
colour seeped from my skin; it was empty and cold
they smacked me on my bare skin
crack
i didn’t scream; i refused 
that was the first time i tried to kill my mother

she persisted, unwavering,
built too strong for womanhood, too broadly
her constitution sturdy
a gift she chose not to pass on to me
a curse she used to taunt me, later
on the day that i was born i died
pink bonnet in a glass hospital crib
ten tiny fingers, ten tiny toes

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in the mirror i see none of them. 

my sister is a jigsaw puzzle made of mother's eyebrows, father's smile. 
i, on the other hand, am a stranger; i tell myself that i was stolen in the middle of the night, snatched away from my real family, a blessing. my sister is anchored to these people undeniably, fruit of a womb, flesh and blood. 

after the first day, i died many times again. a weakling, a changeling, a babe, thrust into the arms of a woman made of stone and diamond, all sharp edges. a drowning, hypothermia, the rose fever, a fall, an allergic reaction, throat closing up. each time i felt the weight of their disappointment, their despair, my weakness incongruent with our family values.

my sister shone. you could almost see the strength of her heartbeat beneath her skin. the sort of girl who would win if she were to get reaped, would bring home glory for our district, would run for mayor and kiss babies and put rebellions to rest.

i thought about starting a rebellion just to spite her.