Bittersweet Solitude [open] [DONE!!!]

[Deleted]

*~*~River Destin~*~*

I collapse into Fledger's arms, my will to keep pushing, to be strong, completely evaporated. I stand there in the filthy living room, just letting him hold me, the reassuring words he says washing over my consciousness like a healing balm soothing the pain in my mind. I huddle closer to him, noticing how he smells pleasantly like ocean water and fresh air in the midst of the murky odor that covers the rest of the house. I take deep breaths, knowing that if I start crying I won't be able to stop. When I finally calm down enough to speak, I sigh heavily, resting my head in its now-familiar place between Fledger's neck and shoulder.

"It's just hard. Letting people in after all this time. I'm glad you came here, though. I can't do this alone. Not anymore."

I exhale a shaky breath against Fledger's shirt, my heart still aching dully in my chest. "He called me my by mother's name. He doesn't even remember that she's... that she's gone. He's getting worse, Fledger, and I don't know what to do."

I chastise myself for sounding so frightened. After all, Fledger's been dealing with this sort of thing with his mother for years. And if he can do it, so can I. But Fledger is so much stronger than I am, so steady, so assured, that surely he can make it through almost anything. I feel so small and lost right now, and I don't know what I'd do if Fledger wasn't here. Even with his presence here to calm and strengthen me, I feel as though I am breaking. Little cracks are forming on my heart, my soul, my sanity. And I know that if I don't have Fledger, if he's not here to hold me together, that I will shatter into a thousand irreparable pieces.

Although it hurts to pull away from Fledger, I do so, picking up a few more bottles and tossing them in the box by the kitchen. I have to stay strong. I have to keep going, because if I stop, I'll break. And I can't do that. Because if I'm gone, Dad will have no one left. I am the reason my mother is dead, and I will not be responsible for the loss of my father as well. I shove my fear and sadness deep inside some secret corner of myself. I can't deal with it, not now, not ever. I am the picture of calm confidence as I walk back to Fledger, taking his hand in my own.

"I could never ask you to blow your money fixing up this hellhole. We get along all right. We survive. Let's go, I'm excited to meet your mom. If she's anything like you, I'm sure I'll love her."

((ooc - I'll be away from the computer from tomorrow until Saturday because I'm going to all state choir. Feel free to reply here and on our D7 thread, just know that I won't be able to post back until Saturday evening. Thanks!))

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[Morgana]

Fledger Rells

I wish I could help her. Wish I knew a way to make her father better. But if I knew that, my mother would be better by now, too. River pulls away from me and picks up more bottles. She's pretending she's strong, just like I have. I don't want to pretend around her. I want things to be how they are. I don't ever want to say I'm fine to her when I'm not. And I don't want it to be the other way around, either.

I grab River's hand as we walk out the door. My breathing is a little shaky as we go down the familiar streets to home. It's been so long since I've brought anyone home. I didn't want to risk it, just in case mother was having a bad day. I'm tempted to tell River to wait outside when we get there, so I can check to see how mother's doing today. But she let me in her house. I saw things I wasn't supposed to. I have to trust her, trust that she'll stay with me even if mom is forgetful today.

I take a deep breath before I push the door of the house open. I can smell breakfast cooking. Mother is sitting at the table, her brown hair pulled back into a bun, leaning over a steaming cup. I'm aware of how clean our house is, and I want to make a mess so River won't feel...I don't know. So she won't feel like my life is better here.

"Good morning Fledger," Mother says. "Who's this with you?"

I sigh in relief. She knows me today. "Morning. This is River. My..." I'm not sure how to introduce her. Not as a friend. Girlfriend, maybe, but that doesn't express how I much I need her, how much I love her. Mom smiles. "Not quite sure, hm? Well, she's a pretty one, Fledge. Don't let her get away from you."

I step towards my mother and hug her with one arm, plant a kiss on her forehead. "I won't." I see some eggs cooking on the stove, so I walk over and check to see if they're done. They are. "Do you want some breakfast, River? I'm sure there's enough for all of us."

I pull a few plates from the cupboard and divide the eggs between them. I set one plate in front of my mother, keep one fro myself, and hold the other one out for River.

(ooc-I had a dream last night that River and Fledger were reaped in the Games.)

[Deleted]

*~*~River Destin~*~*

The first thing about Fledger's house that grabs my attention is how wonderfully clean everything is. The kitchen is polished to a gleam, and the light that slants in through the spotless windows is bright and cheerful. This place smells like clean laundry and home cooked meals, an infinitely more comforting aroma than the bar-stench of my own house. I wonder how Fledger does it, working and keeping his house this lovely all by himself. I have only been standing here for a few seconds, but I feel at home at Fledger's, more welcome that I feel in even my own home.

The next thing that I notice is Fledger's mother, who sits at the table clutching a cup of coffee. She's a very pretty woman, although a bit disheveled, with high cheekbones and the same large grey-blue eyes as Fledger. Her sleek dark hair is pulled up on top of her head, which makes me think that Fledger got his russet curls from his father's side of the family. Fledger's mother addresses him with a breathy, melodic voice, and I realize for the first time what he means about her forgetfulness. That voice is one of someone who lives entirely in their own world. However, she seems to be lucid enough right now to remember her son, and even asks who I am. She calls me pretty after Fledger introduces me, and I blush as he goes to get breakfast off the stove. They share a short exchange with each other, and she seems to be nothing more than a loving mother good-naturedly teasing her son about his new girlfriend. Really, how can he have so many problems with this woman? She's so sweet.

I fold myself into a chair across from Fledger's mother as he walks back to the table with plates of eggs, setting one down in front of me. My mouth begins watering, and it takes all my willpower to maintain my manners and dive headlong into the food. I haven't been able to afford delicacies like eggs for years. Breakfast for me is usually a bowl of tessera grain mixed with milk, sometimes heated if I can get the stove to turn on. And here, on this plate before me, there's so much food. A plate this size is enough to supply me with breakfast for three days. A pang of hunger zaps my midsection, and I realize I haven't eaten since lunch yesterday. I feel how wide my eyes are as they stare at the delicious breakfast in front of me, and I feel the urge again to bolt them down lest they disappear. Reminding myself to be polite, I say a quick thank you to Fledger, giving his hand a squeeze as he sits down next to me. I turn back to his mother with a genuine smile as I pick up my fork.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Rells. I'm not sure if you've ever met my parents, but I'm Thomas and Celine Destin's daughter."

I'm positive that if she can't remember her own son that she won't know either of my parents, but I can't really think of anything else to start a conversation. What does one say to a woman who may or may not know you at all a day from now? I glance over at Fledger, surreptitiously trying to figure out if I'm saying the right things. I don't want to mess anything up, not when I've finally started feeling like I have a home for the first time in years.

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[Morgana]

Fledger Rells

I'm glad that River is attempting conversation with mother. The question seems harmless enough, so I don't worry about it. I look at mother and wait for her to answer. She blinks once, twice, looking confused. Crap "Oh," she says softly. Her eyes get that glazed faraway look they do when she's forgetting. She looks at me, her eyes suddenly sharp again. "Who are you? Why are you in my house?" Her voice is snappish. She rises from her chair quickly, bumping against the table and making her coffee spill over the edges of the mug. "Get out!" she screams.

I stand up slowly, grabbing River's arm. "Don't you remember? Just a second ago, you knew who I was, and now..." It's stupid to try to make her remember, because I know it won't work. It never does. I keep a firm hold on River, ready to drag her out of the house if this turns ugly. "What the hell are you talking about? I don't know you." Mother glares at me, trying to hide her confusion. Somewhere in her mind, she understands what I'm saying. But she doesn't want to know. She doesn't want to remember.

"Why can't you remember, just once?" I don't mean for my voice to cruel and accusing, but it does. I'm so sick of this. I don't want to have to tiptoe around her anymore. "I'm your son. Your god-damned son! There was a man you loved once. He was your husband, my father! And when he died, you abandoned me! You're still here, in this house, and even when you remember me, you don't care, not like you used to!"

Mother staggers backward into the counter. She's confused, so confused. I can tell she's trying to figure out if I'm telling the truth. I don't know if I'm holding on to River anymore. I hate that she's seeing this, but this is something that needs to be done. Mother turns her head to look at the counter, sees something, grabs it. A knife. She's screaming now. "Get out of my house! I don' want to ever see you again, you lying bastard!" That's it. I'm done. I push past my mother, to my bedroom, ignore her asking where I'm going. I pull out a bag and pile things into it. Clothes, money, anything I can get my hands on that matters. I sling it over my shoulder and go back to the kitchen.

Mother is still there, holding her knife. She hasn't moved. "These are my things. I'm taking them with me. I'm not coming back."

I realize there's tears on my face, still running fresh down my cheeks. I don't wipe them away. I don't care about them. I take River's hand, squeeze it hard. I leave out the front door for the last time. I don't know where I'll stay tonight, only that it won't be here. It's not good for me to be in that house. It hasn't been good for me for a long time. It isn't right for a son to base his whole life around his mother's. I shouldn't have to sleep with people I work with just because mother doesn't remember me. I need a place that is mine. But right now, I don't want to think about any of that. I want to be back at the beach, trapped in that one perfect moment with River, right after I'd kissed her. Before she told me about all her tessera. That one moment, my life didn't matter. All that mattered was her and me.

My hands are shaking. We're a few blocks away from my home now. I drop River's hand and try to wipe dried tears off my face. It doesn't matter any more. I'm not held back by my past. All that's in the way of being with River forever is the Hunger Games. I drop my bag and pull River into my arms. "I wish you didn't have to see that." I don't ever want to let her go for anything. I just hope she isn't freaked out from me yelling at mother, or from her pulling a knife on me.

[Deleted]

*~*~River Destin~*~*

Everything happens at the speed of light. One second I am sitting calmly at Fledger's kitchen table, and the next the world explodes into chaos. Fledger's mother blinking, shouting, grabbing the cutlery in defense against her own son. Fledger shouting right back at her, angrier than I thought it was possible for him to ever be. More shouts. Stomping feet. Slamming doors. Clothes stuffed in a rucksack. Cutting final farewells. I stand numbly through the screaming, the confusion, the arguing. I shut down, lock up, and wait until I feel Fledger's hand clenching like a vise around my own to snap back into reality. I let him pull me through the winding streets of District 4, let him continue gripping my hand like it is the last part of his sanity he can hold onto, and the only thing running through my head is This is all your fault, River. You've done it again, River. You can't do anything right, River. Over and over and over again. A broken record. I stay in shutdown mode. Initiate autopilot.

Take Fledger in my arms. It is my turn to comfort him now.

This is all your fault, River.

Wind my fingers through the red-brown silk of his hair, pulling his body tightly to my own.

You've done it again, River.

Press my lips to the warm hollow of his neck, murmuring every word of comfort my subconscious can come up with without me actually putting thought behind the words.

You can't do anything right, River.

Fledger has lost his home, because of me. Because I said the wrong thing and set off the explosion that wiped his mother's memory clean as a blank chalkboard. This is on me. I have to fix this. I have to fix this for Fledger, after he has fixed everything to me. Distantly, I process that I am still holding him tightly, still feel my lips moving against his skin as I whisper sweet nothings into his neck. I have to fix this.

"You can stay with me. We don't have a guest bedroom, but there's a double bed in my room and I can take the floor for a few days."

This is all your fault, River.

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[Morgana]

Fledger Rells

I never could have done this without River. I never could have walked out the door like that. I've wanted to, but I couldn't. Mother was the only thing I had to live for, and without her, I didn't have anything. But now there's River. I have her, and I don't have to worry about mother anymore. And I'm happy. Really, truly happy, like I haven't been in so long. There's not a thing holding me back.

It isn't until River offers me her bed that I realize something's wrong. There's something in her voice that isn't quite right. I let her hold me as I try to figure out what could be wrong. And then I realize.

"River, you know it isn't your fault, right? Any little thing sets her off these days. I shoud've left her long before this. It's unhealthy for me to live with her. But I couldn't leave her before. I didn't have you."

I keep her close in my arms. I don't blame her for it. Of course I don't. Things are better now, better than they've been for a while. I just hope she understands this. Hope she understands that I wanted this.

[Deleted]

*~*~River Destin~*~*

"River, you know it isn't your fault, right? Any little thing sets her off these days. I shoud've left her long before this. It's unhealthy for me to live with her. But I couldn't leave her before. I didn't have you."

"Of course I know," I say, even though this is a flat out lie. Of course it's my fault, how could it not be my fault? But I know that arguing with Fledger about where the blame lies in all of this won't be good for either of us. So for now, I will play along, let him hold me, and pretend that I am free of any guilt. I'm sure it'll eat me alive later, but right now is when I need to be strong for Fledger. Right now is when I need to get his mind off of the pain he's just gone through so it doesn't destroy him.

I need to get my mind off of this, too. Fledger seems to sense that something's up with me, and I don't want him to feel worse than he already does. But does he really feel all that badly? He says that he had been looking for a way out, but I wonder if he's only saying that for my benefit. I know I could never leave my dad, not for anything. And here Fledger stands, saying that I'm his only excuse for leaving his mother. Another white-hot surge of guilt runs through me, but I squash it down. I remind myself of the ever-looming reaping, ticking closer by the second, and I know I don't have time for guilt or could-have-beens. There is only time for Fledger, for me, for us.

I pull back and kiss him on the cheek, forcing myself to smile. "Well, now there's just the matter of what we're going to do for the rest of the day. What'll it be? Back to the beach? I don't think I have enough money for us to go get ice cream or anything."

After I say this, an idea hits me. Something to preoccupy the both of us. Something That will take Fledger's mind off of what just happened at hme. I grip his hand excitedly, tugging him down the street and back towards the beach and my house. "I know! We can run back to my place and you can drop your stuff off, and then you can give me a real swimming lesson. No more of that pansy-standing-around-in -the-water stuff, I mean actually travelling through the water. What do you think?"

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((ooc - Bleh, sorry for the short post. My muse will come back, I promise. So, since the reaping's in like three days, you can fast-forward the time in the thread if you want. Or you can keep it at the current pace, I don't care. ))[/size][/blockquote]

[Morgana]

Fledger Rells

River and I spend the rest of the day back at the ocean. The water is cold, but not frigid. Wind carries our laughter away, and along with it, any fears I may have about the coming Reaping. It's not in my mind anymore. There is just me, River, and the ocean. For a small moment, there is peace.

---

The days before the Reaping pass by in a blur. I don't have much time alone with River, except for at night. That doesn't count, though, because we are both too tired from work to talk. There are just goodnight kisses. I sleep in River's bed, and she sleeps on the floor. I feel a bit guilty for taking her bed. I should be the one to sleep on the floor. I'd tell River so, but I get the feeling she'd make me take the bed anyway. The hush of her breathing is the last thing I hear every night before sleep comes. I hold on to those moments hallway between here and dreaming. In a few days, all this may gone. River may be heading off to the Capitol, and then off to the arena. I try not to think about this, though. I want our last days to be happy.

---

We've just settled into our beds on the night before the Reaping. Tomorrow. Tomorrow all this may be over. River may be gone. If she leaves,I'll have nothing. Absolutely nothing. I left mother, and I won't go back. I can't stay in River's home if he leaves; it wouldn't feel right. I'd be a homeless, heartbroken boy, and that's all there is to it.

"River, come lay beside me tonight. I want you near me tonight, considering it might be our last one together."

I need to feel her next to me. We've been too far apart these past days. I need to tell her I love her one last time. God, I need her.

[Deleted]

Fin.

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