I Want To Live in Your Hair [South]

[Deleted]

Here we are again
I feel the chemicals kickin' in
It's getting heavy
And I wanna run and hide
I wanna run and hide

"I'm sorry! I just... I just can't, okay?! At least not now." Even though he hasn't spoken it out loud, Julian's glare tells the whole story. Why the hell did you just stop?

I suddenly feel exposed, vulnerable in the flimsy fabric of my nightgown, and my arms cross in an almost comical mirror image of Julian's irritated pose. Under normal circumstances his snappishness would make my own temper flare up in response, but the realization that he's perfectly justified is enough to make me bite my tongue, gaze lowering to my flour-dusted feet. I don't even need the Voice to degrade me this time; I can do it myself. I chickened out. I can't believe what a weakling I am. All it took was a little jab from this stupid thing inside my head, and I was pulling the plug on something that we both wanted, something that I wanted. However, judging by Julian's icy stare, it's obvious that I've effectively killed the mood.

Although I really can't blame him for being pissed off (I was livid when he pulled something similar in the lake last night, after all), I can't help but feel a little defensive. When my eyes snap back up to meet his I can almost hear the sound of our death glares colliding in midair. The tension in the atmosphere is a far more unpleasant one now, leaving me feeling irritable and bitchy in a way that can never bring any good out of a situation. "It's not like you haven't pulled that stuff with me for the fun of it, whereas I'm having a genuine moral dilemma here, and you don't seem to give much of a damn."

Perhaps it's a low blow, implying that he's only a hormone-crazed teenage boy, but the vindictiveness welling up in my chest is desperately searching for a victim and Julian is the only available target. "And you jumped me first, while we're standing here laying blame. I mean, you... You licked my damn face! What the hell am I supposed to do in response to that, I'm only human!

"I can't do this right now, Julian, I just can't!" My voice is rising in both volume and pitch, a slight hysterical edge biting along the seams that connect my too-quickly-spoken words. Perhaps it's the leftover panic from finding that letter a little while ago, but suddenly this all feels like too much and all I want to do is take a nice hot shower, get this stupid flour out of my hair, and crawl back into bed. "I'm so conflicted right now that I don't even make sense to myself, and I don't think that's a good mental condition for making a decision to... for making a decision like this!"

I run my fingers through my hair in frustration and they come away dusted in white, but I can't bring myself to care, brushing them off against the already- messy surface of my nightgown. "I just want to put more thought into this. Can you blame me?"

It's hard to take him glaring at me like that, and I find myself reaching out to him, finger's ghosting along his still-crossed arms as if willing them to open and pull me into another embrace. While I have always hated fighting with Julian, it seems that we can't avoid it no matter how hard we try. Going toe to toe like this seems to happen every time we're together, and I honestly can't tell whether it's a result of stress or just because we're so damn similar that we have to fight. I hate the disappointment in his eyes because over everything there is the fact that I love him, and his happiness should be my priority over this horrid doubt that permeates my every action. "I love you. I really, really do, you know that. But what just happened... I don't know. It just made me feel like some sort of slut or something."

[Eastern Orange]

“Better a slut than a tease.” I hiss without thinking. I instantly regret it, and my eyes widen in shock at my own harsh words. I really didn’t mean it, I seriously did not mean it. I don’t even know why I said that. Before Aria even has time to react, I grab her outstretched and pull her towards me. “I’m sorry.” I whisper and place a kiss on her forehead, running my fingers over her cheek, and tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

I give her a small smile, amused at something she said. I know she is having a meltdown – I refrain from thinking anything sarcastic – and I’m supposed to be a pissed off hormone demon, but I can’t keep the coy smile from curling across my lips. “Ariallia, Princess of all that is Beautiful and Pure, corrupted by the smoldering good looks and devilish tongue of a mere peasant; what will the kingdom think?” I make exaggerated kissy faces at her, and end up nuzzling her neck. My fingers run along her body once again, but instead of the slow, sensual movements from before, I’m tickling her within an inch of her life.

Finally, with my own sides aching from laughing at her struggles, I cease and hold her against my chest, my hands tracing lines down her back. “I’m sorry.” I say again, referring to how rude I acted before. I lean down, sweeping her hair aside, and gently kiss her neck, and continue down to kiss her bare shoulder. “I’m sorry. I’m doing it again…” I whisper in her ear, raising my hand to stroke the side of her face. I abruptly straighten, but I don’t push Aria away, remembering what if felt like when she had pushed me away; I don’t want her to feel that.

I sigh and draw Aria into a hug. “I had a bad dream.” I say against her hair, finally answering her question from before. “There was this strange lady and…and you – you were that too – you were getting stabbed by her. Over and over, right in front of my eyes, and I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t help you. You were murdered by her.” I tighten my arms around her, trying desperately to pull her as close to me as possible. “I woke up, and you weren’t next to me, and I swear my heart stopped. But then – then I saw you so alive, and so very beautiful, and I couldn’t help myself. I’m sorry.” I run my fingers through her hair, trying to sooth her as much as me. “I would never want you to feel pressured into anything, okay? I love you so much, and I’m so sorry I acted like a pig. You are more important to me then just sex.”

[Deleted]

She would change everything for happy ever after
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

I don't even have time to feel hurt by the biting words before he's apologizing profusely (sometimes I wonder if he's more emotionally screwed-up than I am), acting like nothing's happened. It's odd because usually I'm the one to sweep things under the rug while Julian faces them head-on, but when he's having these rare sweet moments I don't dare question them for fear they'll cease to exist. "Stop apologizing. We're teenagers. It happens."

My smile dies out abruptly with his talk of nightmares and being afraid for me. It almost makes me blurt out that I saw the letter, but I don't want to push Julian into an even more volatile emotional state, so I bite my tongue and attempt to inject some much-needed levity into the situation. "I can take care of myself, It's not like I'm a helpless little chihuahua or something. You seem to be forgetting that you have a beastly lumberjack girlfriend."

I snort at my sarcasm (while my bone structure is as solid and sturdy as ever I am anything but muscular), brushing a flour-dusted thumb along his cheekbone. "Really, though. Try not to worry. That's my job."

“I would never want you to feel pressured into anything, okay? I love you so much, and I’m so sorry I acted like a pig. You are more important to me then just sex.” It's one of those things that I'm sure every adolescent girl wants to hear from her boyfriend, but for some reason it only makes me feel even guiltier for stopping things when I did. Am I really letting fear of rejection keep me from someone who would say that? Frustrated with myself and the Voice's habit of ruining everything good in my life, I can only give him a terse half-smile in return.

"It'll happen when it happens," I shrug vaguely, leaning into him because I'm too emotionally worn out to fully stand on my own anymore. And it's only ten in the morning. Oh joy. "I don't feel pressured. I'm just... conflicted is a good word, I think. There are times where I don't know what I want, and taking a step that big if I'm not sure about it isn't fair to either of us. I'm sorry for leading you on." I have to stand on tiptoe to plant a kiss on his cheek, giving dark strands a playful ruffle. "I'm only human, you know."

Somehow it always ends up like this, Julian and I standing in the middle of disaster holding onto each other. First my wrecked kitchen, then a destroyed bathroom, and now the aftermath of my own culinary debacle. Form my position now I can see into the living room and down the large hallway, trying to picture the times Julian must have had here before I was a part of the picture. "Were you ever happy here? Your family, I mean?"

For some reason it's hard to picture Five-year-old versions of Julian and Adrian playing tag or think about Helena with her unsettling gaze and tendency to never leave her room laying out in the sun with a novel in hand or even begin to fathom that Natalia may once have been a healthy, happy little girl going swimming with her siblings. The images warm my heart, though, and I find myself wanting them to be real. It would make it easier to deal with Julian's family issues if I could have the knowledge that they at least used to be happy. That it wasn't always like this. That maybe it wouldn't always have to be this way.

"Okay, we should go on that hike. We need the sunshine!" I say in a voice that sounds far brighter than I feel, gently pulling away from him and starting off down the hallway. "Go get ready. I'll get us a picnic lunch and everything. But I think we'll stick to sandwiches and protein bars and stuff that doesn't require, you know... cooking."

It takes a solid half hour to wash all the flour out of my hair, sending the stuff falling to the floor of the shower in wet grayish clumps. Ducking out of the bathroom, I fumble blindly in my bag until I come up with a pair of jeans and an old tee shirt, pulling them on hurriedly and rushing back down the hallway, damp strands of water-darkened blonde flying behind me. It takes an eternity of rummaging through the disaster zone that is the kitchen before I find a basket in one of the cabinets, rifling through one of the bags of food we brought with us and transferring all the necessities for PB&J and some cookies for dessert into the wicker container. I'm not exactly sure where Julian is at the moment, but for some reason I feel almost optimistic and eager with the prospect of the nice weather outside and spending the day with him (hopefully) without any further emotional meltdowns from either of us. "C'mon, let's go! I'm not getting any younger!"

[Eastern Orange]

“Happy…with my family?” I repeat, like I never imagined that words like ‘happy’ and ‘family’ belong in the same sentence. I look over Aria’s head, my eyes finding a faded picture resting on top of the mantel. It was a picture of Ander, Helena, Alec, Adrian and me, all jumbled together and smiling big. Behind the camera, I know is my mother. In my memory, her hair is free of grey and her laughing face is bright with love. Yes, we had been happy once. Before. Before everything.

Before my mother was embittered by my father.
Before Ander became a Victor and pulled us all into his black pit of despair.
Before Natalia was born and her sickness hung over us like black cloud.
Before Helena was a drunk and Adrian, a sociopath.
Before I knew what life as a Scott really meant: being hated, scorned, and ostracized by the rest of the District for being rich, being held to a higher standard because of that money, and being alone, alone, alone.

That was a long time ago, and we are no longer happy. My family is broken, fractured. We have not come here as a family for a long time. Now this cabin was used by the older kids as an escape. Whether it is an escape from the house, or an escape to somewhere where we used to be a family, varies upon who you ask.

I zone out, scratchy memories of fort building and long games of manhunt playing behind my eyes. I’m yanked back to the present when I feel Aria pull away from me. I shake my head, loosening the last strands of the past. I realize that I never answered her question, but it was kinda too late for that. I just nod to Aria and wander back to my room to get ready.

Ten minutes later, I’m ready and waiting outside for Aria, a backpack sitting securely on my shoulders. I draw swirls in the dirt with my foot, pick out shapes in the clouds, and visit the horses, for a full fifteen minutes and Aria still is no where to be seen. I groan and slump my shoulders. Women. Finally, I hear Aria call for to hurry up from inside the cabin. I march over to the open front door and look in. “You? What about me? I’ve been waiting out there for, like, ever! What were you doing? Trying to dress with your mind?”

[/blockquote]

[Deleted]

Remember those walls I built?
Well, baby, they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make a sound.

I jump a bit when Julian's head pokes through the front door, sticking my tongue out at him when he throws a jab in my direction about how long I took to get ready. "Yeah, well it takes a while to get half a pound of flour out of your hair. Sorry."

Looping my arm through the handle of the basket, I step outside into the bright sunlight, grinning at the smell of spring the cool breeze carries with it. The weather is truly gorgeous, one of those beautiful days where the sky is a pure, bright blue scattered with big, fluffy clouds that float lazily along with the wind. I wind the fingers of my free hand into a comfortable nest with Julian's, giving him a tentative smile that speaks far more eloquently than I'd ever be able to. Let's just try to be normal, just this once, okay? I know we can do it.

"Okay, let's go... this way!" I pipe up in a voice that is far too perky to be mine (maybe it's all this sunshine and all the awkwardness I'm trying to overcome), giving Julian's hand a tug and pulling him down one of the many wooded paths that leads away from the cabin's wide clearing. It's far cooler in the shade of the trees, the sunlight filtering through the leaves painting everything in shades of green. I have absolutely no idea where we're going but being outside puts me far more at ease than I ever felt inside the cabin. Maybe it's my backwoods District heritage, but I always feel more comfortable in the forest, more at home among oaks and pines than in the midst of damasks and plush carpets that only serve to make me feel trapped, claustrophobic (Julian's house never fails to make me feel like I'm in an ornately decorated fishbowl). Yes, the outdoors have always been a source of comfort for me, and I find myself beginning to relax after my more than a little hectic morning.

After all, this is all perfectly idyllic. I'm taking a leisurely stroll hand in hand with the person I love most in the world, it's a beautiful day, there's no Felicity or Adrian (not to mention Liam and my parents) lurking around to spoil our fun, and we've got a whole week full of days just like this stretched out ahead of us. I can't help but smile a bit, giving Julian's hand an affectionate squeeze. "You know, I had my doubts, but this trip was definitely a great idea, I should have lis- Holy Mother of God!"

I'm halfway through my statement when I spot it, perched silently on the trunk of a large aspen tree a few feet ahead. A wolf spider, about the size of my hands, hairy legs and a million eyes and every other nasty appendage you could possibly imagine. I have always been an animal lover, but the large starburst scar adorning the back of my left hand compliments of a brown recluse bite when I was five years old has effectively given me an intense hatred and terror of spiders that I'm certain will never dissipate. Needless to say, I scream like a ten year old at a boy band concert, deteriorating into a complete mess of overly-girlish horror.

"Kill it!" I shriek, practically climbing Julian to escape the monstrous thing. Okay, so maybe it's not really the size of my hand, it's closer to the diameter of my palm. And maybe it's legs aren't incredibly hairy, but they're enough to give me a considerably large case of the jibblies. Skin crawling, I utilize Julian as a human shield and continue having a meltdown of embarrassing proportions, although I can't really concern myself for keeping up a badass reputation that I never had in the first place while I'm standing here in front of one of my worst fears. "Julian, squish it. Squish the little bastard, right now."

[Eastern Orange]

Out of all the trails that Aria could pick, she picks the one with the worst history. Awesome. I try to ignore the horrific and traumatizing memories that lurk at the fringes of my mind, waiting to pull me into their nightmare. A cold tendril of fear licks up my spine, and I suppress a shudder. Relax, I tell myself. It’s a bright sunny day, I’m with my lovely girlfriend, and I’m happy; I am most certainly not huddled in the bushes clutching my brother and weeping my soul out.
I focus on Aria’s hand intertwined in mine, anchoring me to the present. Or at least I was trying to make it my anchor. I could feel the spiny tentacles of the memories gripping me tighter and tighter as we made our way through the forest and I started to recognize some landmarks. That is the creak where Adrian and I rested, clutching our chests and gasping for air; there is the rock that we took refuge behind when we heard someone coming after us. I look up at the light tricking through the green canopy. But it’s not the sunlight I see, it’s the moonlight.

I’m six years old and I’m running for my life. My feet are pounding through the underbrush, and I can hear Adrian’s labored breath in my ear. “Come on!” I hiss, tugging on his hand when he starts to fall behind. Branches slap our faces and snag our hair, unseen roots and rocks trip us up and we stumble, but we struggle on. We are running so fast that I am unable to see the ditch until it is too late and we tumble into it. There is a dull crack and I know my ankle is now broken. Adrian and I lay at the bottom of the bitch breathing heavily and holding completely still, listening for sounds of pursuit.

“Adrian.” I whisper. He answers with a what. “I-I think I broke my ankle. Just leave me here.” Adrian just grunts and remains still. He doesn’t get up, and he doesn’t leave me. I just lay on my back, staring at the few stars visible through the leaves. The forest is eerily silent in the absence of our noisy flight through the woods. At least we would be able to hear if the monster was following us. I shudder at the thought of the monster. Adrian and I had been innocently camping in the woods a few yards into the woods, away from our cabin when we were ambushed by a monster. It knocked over our tent while we were still in it, and started clawing and biting at us. The sounds it had made we seared into my mind.

“My leg hurts.” I whine to Adrian. He just shushes me. “What are we going to do?” Adrian gives an exasperated sigh and turns to me. “We want have to do anything if you’d shut up! It’ll hear us!” I nodded and strain my ears for any noise. It’s a minute before we hear the rustling. We hear it at the same time and immediately stop breathing. The rustling gets closer and closer and I squeeze Adrian’s hand and he squeezes back, sharing our fear. You could go, I mouth at him. He shakes his head fiercely.

The monster is right up on us now, and the fear I feel is so intense that I feel like I’m about to throw up. Leaves skitter into the ditch, and a shadow looms over us. Adrian and I suck in a breath and let out terrified screams. The shadow leaps down on us, and both of us thrash and kick and bite. And there is two of them. Our screams ring out, broken occasionally by grunts and hisses of pain. Suddenly the monsters sit back, laughing raucously. Adrian and I look at each other, breathing heavily. “They were scared shitless!” A voice squeals, a voice that I know very well: Ander. “Did you see their faces?!” Another voice snickers: Alec. As one, me and my brother start another round of kicking and hitting, this time instead of fear, we felt anger.

That was many years ago, and even though there was no real danger, the fear I had felt was real. So very real. I had honestly thought I was about to die, and it was a feeling that I never want to repeat. Being back this way was only surfacing those feelings. “Holy Mother of God!" Aria’s exclamation rips me from my daydreams, and I look around widely for that monster of my childhood. But then she points as a tiny spider, and I have to throw my head back and laugh. Though it’s cut short when she yanks my head back by my hair, trying to scale my body.

“Ah! Look at the heinous beast! It’s staring into my soul with its greedy little eyes! Oh no! It’s speaking to me! I can hear it! ‘Kill her!’ It’s saying. ‘Kill her and bring her to me so I can feast upon her!’” I hold my hands over my ears and pretend I’m in pain. “AHHHH!” Suddenly I turn around and wrap my arms around Aria, slamming her body against mine. “Must kill!” I playfully nibble on her neck. “She is so delicious, master! How will I be able to share her?” I spin her around gnawing on her neck some. “Omnomnom.” I pull away and give her a don’t-you-just-love-me smile. “I didn’t know you were afraid of spiders, baby. I would have told you that they are my masters and I must do everything they say! But that spider can go fuck himself if he thinks I’m sharing you.” I give her a wicked smile and pull her in for a kiss.

[Deleted]

And when we get home, I know we won't be home at all
This place we live, it is not where we belong
And I miss who we were in the town that we could call our own
Going back to get away after everything has changed

I can't help but laugh even in the midst of waning terror. There's just something about Julian's rare moments of silliness and sunshine smiles that makes me feel like no matter how wrong everything seems (how much his family loathes my existence, how many psychotic girls are out for him) that everything might just turn out all right in the end. I roll my eyes when he wraps his arms around me and refuses to let go, poking fun at me good naturedly until I smack him playfully on the arm. "You're such an idiot. Really. What am I going to do with you?"

“I didn’t know you were afraid of spiders, baby. I would have told you that they are my masters and I must do everything they say! But that spider can go fuck himself if he thinks I’m sharing you,” he grins widely, leaning forward and pressing his lips to mine. Even though I snort quietly and start laughing into the kiss it still makes my heart thrum pleasantly, arms looping around his neck and pulling him closer before breaking away to catch my breath. I smile warmly but step away nonetheless, thinking of how a repeat of this morning's tension wouldn't be good for either of us.

"You'd be scared of spiders too if one bit you on the hand and almost killed you," I reply, holding up my left hand as an example, the raised pink scar tissue covering the skin from my knuckles to my wrist. The sight of it brings memories flooding back, although they are fuzzy (I was only five and most of the incident is lost in a haze of time and fever). I remember the first few days well enough; playing hide and seek, feeling a sharp sting on the back of my hand, losing consciousness and regaining it hours later inside my bedroom as my parents fretted over what could be done about my hand, which had swollen up to twice its size over a relatively short span of time. After that everything blurs, turning into vague recollections of pain and illness and a few times I'd heard my parents whisper to each other about what would happen if I didn't make it. But soon enough the infection had faded away on its own, leaving only the huge scar and a severe case of arachnophobia in its wake.

"Ugh, they're just so creepy," I shudder, grabbing Julian's hand and pulling him further along the path, giving the stationary spider a very wide berth. "C'mon, let's go find somewhere to eat."

Comfortable silence returns as we return to our journey along the path, hands entwined. The lack of conversation makes my attention turn inward, my swirling mind finally calming down enough to focus on one thing at a time. For some unknown reason I think back to earlier this morning, when the Voice planted enough doubt in my mind to send me scrambling out of Julian's arms with lame excuses and stuttering apologies. The memory weighs heavily on me, turning my serene smile into a concerned expression, lips pursed into a tight line and eyes unfocused. It isn't that I'm not used to the Voice messing with my perception, but it's always been virtually silent around Julian, like he made it lose its power or something. Why the sudden change? How could it possibly influence me that strongly at the one moment I was the closest to Julian I've ever been?

Because I'm getting more powerful, obviously. Either that or your resolve is just getting weaker, Ria. But either way, there's nowhere you can run now, darling. You can't escape something that lives in your head.

It's all I can do to abstain from shrieking in frustration, my composure only barely maintained. My hand tightens slightly around Julian's, teeth clenching as I try to shove the nuisance out of my consciousness. You are not ruining this for me, you stupid... thing. Get the hell out of my mind!

Nice try, honey, but it doesn't work that way. I like it here, and I really don't feel like leaving. So I'm afraid you're stuck with me.

I let out a small groan of irritation, eyes widening when I realize the sound has actually escaped the confines of my mind and shot out into the springtime air. I think of how I must look, all vacant and zoned out and irritated at something that isn't even there, at least not in Julian's eyes. I do my best to recover, grinning reassuringly and giving his hand a quick squeeze. "Sorry. Dizzy spell. I think it must be because I'm hungry or something. Actually, you know what? Let's just have lunch here, it's perfect!"

We've entered a fairly good-sized clearing, brilliant sunshine finally breaking through the density of the foliage and beating down in warm rays. Grinning for real this time at how idyllic everything looks, I hurriedly start unpacking my basket, spreading an old blanket out on the ground before plopping down on it and tossing a sandwich in Julian's direction. "C'mon, have a seat! I promise, the sandwiches aren't bad. At least not as bad as my attempt at breakfast. They won't explode or anything... at least I don't think so."

I laugh a bit, taking a bite out of my own sandwich (for my pathetic cooking skills it's damn close to gourmet quality, making it edible for the rest of the world), sprawling out across the blanket on my stomach and letting the sun warm my back. Again I find myself thinking what a great idea it was to go on this trip. I mean, this is the life, spending a beautiful day outside with Julian. It's all perfect, just perfect.

Yeah. It'd be too good to be true if you could have a relaxing vacation and he didn't have some crazy girl after his hair and your blood.

The Voice's caustically accurate interjection sobers me considerably, making the laughter die on my lips. My bottom lip makes its way between my teeth, eyes darting nervously in Julian's direction as I prop myself up on my elbow. "Um... don't be mad, okay? But I saw that letter this morning. It kind of fell out of your saddle bag when I was checking on the horses. I guess you were right. About it legitimately being some crazy girl, I mean. I don't think Adrian or Felicity are that unhinged."

[Eastern Orange]

I take the sandwich away from my mouth and eye Aria warily from across the spread of food. “It just ’fell out’, huh?” I say drily, deciding whether to be mad or not. I decide that it isn’t that much of an offense; the only reason I didn’t want her to see it is because I didn’t want her to worry. I think back to our quiet walk here. Aria had seemed a little off, now I know why.

“Listen, don’t worry about it Aria. This isn’t the first time th-” I cut myself off, a blush creeps up my cheeks. I hang my head. “Shit.” I hadn’t meant to tell her that I have had stalker before. I left my head up and look at her once more. I give her a long look, contemplating on how to proceed. I sigh and toss my sandwich down and scoot around the food and lay down on my stomach next to her, resting my head against hers. “I’m sorry I never told you before. I didn’t want….I don’t know what I didn’t want. I didn’t want you to worry. I didn’t want you to be jealous. I didn’t want you to be scared off and leave me. I don’t know Aria, I didn’t want to seem more alien to you I guess.” It’s easier telling her this, way out here in the middle of a forest, completely alone. It also helps that I don’t have to look her in the eye. I never really was one for opening up.

“I mean, you come from humble beginnings. And me…not so much. I didn’t want to have crazy stalkers on top of my crazy family and my flashy house and my not-fiancée and all my possessions. We are so different from each other and I’m worried that one more thing will push you over the edge and away from me. I love you too much to see that happen.” I wrap an arm around her shoulders and run my hand through her hair. “Do you find me foolish?” I ask, a small smile tugging at my lips. I certainly feel foolish; Aria wouldn't be run off that easily right? Even though I knew it was dumb, I was still worried.

I’ve had one other stalker before this, and it had turned out to be a relative of Felicity’s. Her cousin, Matilda, who lived in the merchant part of the town. Maybe that crazy bitch was back? I hadn’t seen Matilda since I uncovered her as my stalker to Felicity, and Felicity had her sent back to her own house. I remember having various articles of clothing stolen, or being left little notes and creepy homemade things. She was harmless in the end, never getting too creepy, and never really wanting to her me. I really hope this is just her again, and not some new crazy freak to deal with.

[Deleted]

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

((ooc - All right, let's blitz this mothereffer so we can get to the good stuff... Yeah, watch this be 700 words.))

So it's happened before.

I know that in all reality I probably shouldn't be surprised (what girl in this District wouldn't go off the deep end at the prospect of being with someone filthy rich and ridiculously good-looking? Look what it's done to me), but the knowledge still manage to spark something in me. Irritation? Possessiveness? Jealousy? Some mixture of all three. In some other time I wouldn't have been all that bothered with it but nowadays I'll be the first to admit that Julian has become one of the few things in my life that I am entirely unwilling to share for any reason. There are times when I wonder whether any of these distant, phantasmic threats could solidify and take him away from me (his family, Felicity, any number of strange girls who want what I have) and the very thought of it makes me want to latch onto him even harder and snarl at the world that he is mine, all mine, and you'll never take him. And maybe that makes me just as crazy as whoever this stalker-girl is, but the difference is that my claim has already been staked whereas she is a dangerous usurper seeking to take away the only really good thing left in my life.

Are you hearing yourself right now, woman? Good God, someone call the funny farm.

It's a rare occurrence for me to not mentally argue with the Voice, but for one of the very first times in its existence I can find no fault with its words. There's nothing altogether right about Julian and I - different worlds, clashing tempers, a fiery possessiveness for each other that threatens to consume us both - except for the fact that one of us without the other seems so inherently wrong, but I can't deny the fact that the boy with the storm-cloud eyes has done something to my mental stability ever since that snowy day in the woods that seems like a million years ago.

"I'm a big girl, Julian. You don't have to worry about upsetting my delicate emotional balance." It comes out a little sharper than I mean it to, maybe because of unacknowledged offense to the whole humble beginnings comment, but then there is the pressure of an arm around my shoulders and the soft whisper of fingers through my hair, and any anger I may have eventually worked my way up to dissolves in the wake of something much warmer and far more pleasant, velvet words and sunshine smiles that have been too rare in the face of all this mayhem lulling me into something that at least resembles content. "Of course I find you foolish. But that's okay, because if you weren't I wouldn't love you nearly as much."

The storm comes down with surprising speed, a distant roll of thunder followed only seconds later by one of the most torrential downpours of rain that I've ever seen in my life. Squeaking in surprise, I'm completely soaked before I can even scramble to my feet and begin throwing all of the picnic stuff hastily back into the basket, reaching back and grabbing Julian's rain-slicked hand in my own. "So much for a day out! Come on!"

I will never understand how he manages to be so damnably perfect all the time. By the time we make it back to the cabin I am dripping, disheveled, and absolutely covered in splashes of mud while Julian just stands there in an image of slightly waterlogged impeccability. The comparison between the two of us (sometimes I feel like it's some backwards, warped version of Beauty and the Beast, but that's usually the Voice talking) makes my eyes narrow at the unfairness of it all as I stand in the front room and attempt to pick bits of twig and leaf out of my hair with no success, finally throwing my hands in the air and storming off down the hallway.

"Forget it, I'm just taking another shower!"

As irritated as I sound, though, I can't help but smile a little as all the dirt mingles into a gritty swirl around the drain. As convoluted and over-dramatic as my relationship with Julian is, it at least suffices to say that there's never a dull moment.

[/color]

((ooc - 716 on the nose. Called it.))[/justify][/blockquote][/size]

[Eastern Orange]

I can’t say I was all that angry at the rain. Aria looks absolutely sexy with her disheveled hair, and rain soaked clothes clinging to her body. I’m about to pounce on her, everything from this morning completely forgotten, when she announces that she is going to get in the shower. I was seriously disappointed, but all in due time I suppose. At least it gave me time to prepare.

I went back to our room to change into dry clothes. Just as I was pulling a dry tee-shirt over my head I was tackled to the ground. I landed hard on my stomach, cracking my chin on the ground. I saw white for a second, before my vision flashed back to normal, though all I could see was the blue of my shirt. I was very confused; I had no Idea what had hit me. For a heart stopping second, I imagined my stalker standing over me with a knife, or worse, heading over to the bathroom. But that was soon over when I felt a suspiciously paw shaped foot on my back, and panting in my ear.

I let out a snarl and tear the shirt off my head, wincing as it scraped against my sore chin. I twisted around and was faced with the big black nose and pink tongue of Czar. “What the fuck is with you?!“ I yell at him, aggravated at how he always seems to sneak up on me. In response he drags his tongue up my check. Bastard. “Get away from me!” I push him away and struggle to my feet, feeling the soreness of my knees and elbows, which I landed on. “Dumb dog.” I spit at him. “First you run away with my…” I trail off, remembering that the last time I had seen him he was running off into the woods. “Wait. How’d you get in here?” I ask him, and look at him as if I expect him to answer. After a few silent seconds, I pretty much sprint out to the living room. The front door was wide open, rain collecting in a puddle on the floor. “What the…”

I’m certain that I closed the door behind me when I came in…But there is no way Czar could have opened it to get in, so I guess I didn’t. That had to be it, right? I just nudged the door shut, and it didn’t latch. Yes, that’s it. I couldn’t even consider other possibilities, because the idea that someone had followed us here was too terrifying, especially if I think about who would be following us here.

Never mind about that. Can’t deal with it. I have shit to prepare. I slam the door shut and deadbolt it. I make a quick check of the house to make sure it was empty before returning to our room to finish getting changed. Dry now, I fish around in my bag and pull out a ring box. I open it, making sure the ring is still in it. There it was, nestled against the black velvet, sparkling in the dim light, a fat ass diamond engagement ring. The biggest I could get my hands on. I grin wickedly to myself and snap the box closed.

The next few minutes are spent mopping up the puddle from the front door. Then I spend the next few minutes awkwardly fidgeting and pacing. Aria takes forever in the shower, leaving me with painful amounts of time to worry if she was going to say yes, or what I was going to say, or what I should do. I look around at the house and worry if I was being romantic enough. I hear the water shut off. Well…too late to do anything about it now.

I look around and awkwardly position myself on the couch. I cross my legs. I uncross my legs. I sit forward. I lean back and throw a hand over the back of the couch. I take my hand down. I don’t know what to do with my hands. I cross them. No. I put them behind my head. No! I clasp them in front of me. I give a frustrated sigh and stand up. The bathroom door opens, and steam comes rolling out. I sit back down. Czar comes over and jumps on the couch, crawling on to my lap. Fucking great.

[Deleted]

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone

If I had to pick a word to describe the last few days, it would be unexpected. It's really staring to seem like it's impossible for Julian and I to just do anything normally, and while the fact can be maddeningly frustrating, I really don't think I'd have it any other way. Although I'm beginning to feel like I live in one of those tacky Capitol soap-operas that my mom likes to watch (Secluded vacations? Stalkers? Next thing you know we'll have people faking their own deaths) I'm still happier than I've been in a long time.

Happiness is a short-lived thing, Ria. Don't get used to it.

I'm feeling defiant, more so than usual, so I smile as widely as I possibly can as the warm water cascades over my shoulders, just to piss the Voice off enough to possibly make it stop bothering me. I giggle. I sing, for the first time in ages, little snippets of Puccini's La Bohème echoing off the tile and bouncing back at me. And it all feels so wonderful that I completely lose track of time, basking in the rare moment of elation and singing like I haven't in at least a month, maybe more. I'm halfway through Sì, mi chiamano Mimì when the hot water shuts off.

Yelping in surprise, I shut off the water as quickly as possible, teeth chattering as I stick my hand out from behind the shower curtain and grab blindly for a towel. While I keep up a running mumble of vehement cursing I rush through the rest of my regime, pulling on a comfortable pair of pajamas and running a comb through my still-dripping hair, brushing my teeth, and giving my foggy reflection a quick once-over before opening the door and walking back into the hallway surrounded by a cloud of steam.

"I think the plumbing in this place is falling apart," I sigh, rolling my eyes and flopping down on the couch next to Julian. "The hot water decided to shut off on me halfway through my shower. Not fun."

My flippant words give way to a more serious expression as I take the time to look at him, feel the apprehension that seems to be emanating from him in waves. There's just something off about Julian in this moment, and I'm left for the millionth time wondering if I've done or said something wrong (I'm so used to messing everything up that I don't even have to wonder if things are my fault anymore). "Hey, are you okay? You seem a little tense."

[/color]

((ooc - Now THAT'S more like blitzing. But really it's because I'm lazy and have no muse. Time for the good stuff! >:D))

[/blockquote][/size]

[Eastern Orange]

“Tense? Me?” I toss my head back and laugh. Shit, she’s on to me. Evade, evade! “That is ridiculous, why would you say that? Hahaha. What do I have to be tense about? Here I am, with my lovely girlfriend, alone in this cabin. Just us. Yep. Aaaall alone. With no one to bother us. How nice. How relaxing. I can’t stand how relaxed I am. Ahahaha.” I grin widely at her. I sound – and look probably – like I’m in pain.

My heart is rocketing around in my chest, so loud I can barely hear myself think. I wipe my sweaty palms on Czar’s back. “Well. There is something I wanted to ask you.” I gulp, fidgeting with my shirt sleeves, not looking at her. This isn’t going how I wanted it to at all. I shift, so I’m facing her somewhat. Czar grumbles his annoyance. I ignore him. “Listen Aria, I had an ulterior motive in bringing you here. I wanted to create this nice romantic atmosphere, but everything is kinda falling to shit. First with the whole stalker thing, and that debacle this morning, and the stupid rain, and fucking czar!” I shove him, trying to push him off my lap, but he growls at me. Yea. You try to tell a dog that probably weighs more than you to move.

I give a sigh of exasperation and bury my face in his back. I take a deep breath in, trying to calm down. Okay. I need to get serious. When I sit back up, I’m calmer. “Aria, have I told you lately that I love you?” Oh holy fuck. Well, might as well roll with it. “If, I haven’t, than I love you…If I have, well. I’m saying it again. I love you.” I’m making it worse. “Look, all I’m trying to say is you complete me.” No, I was wrong. Now, I’m making it worse. Dammit. “This isn’t going the way I wanted at all!” I break out, and cover my face with my hands.

Just tell her from the heart, Julian! Come on you can do it! “Let’s just start over.” I say and clear my throat. I look at her, square my shoulders, and put my best ‘serious’ face on. “When a man and I woman love each other…Shit no! I mean. I love you so much sometimes that I just want to squeeze you until your head explodes. Wait! No! That’s not what I meant at all. I mean, yes I love you, but I don’t want your head to explode. Just scratch that from the record. Let me retry again. Aria. I love you and I don’t want you to explode.” At this point I just stop talking. I’m sweating bullets, I’m rambling, I’m shaking from stress and anxiety, in other words, I’m a mess.

I give a shaky laugh. “This is what you do to me Aria.” I say softly, and shake my head. “You make me absolutely bat shit insane. You know who I was before you? I was Julian Scott, heir to the Scott family fortune. I was witty, articulate, charming, alluring. I was a prospective young entrepreneur with his whole future laid out in front of him on a silver platter.” I smile sourly. “I was completely and utterly dead. I was bitter, depressed, suffocated. I was a prisoner in my own home; my day scheduled down to the very last second, watched everywhere I went, told what to say and who to say it to, shackled to a woman I didn’t and wouldn’t ever love. I was a marionette and my mother held the strings.”

When you met me in the woods, you met a sour, angry boy embittered by the world. I’m not that boy anymore, Aria, and it’s because of you.” I say earnestly. “For some crazy reason, you saw something in me, and told me that you kinda maybe liked me. Do you have any idea how that has changed my life? I’d probably be a psycho like Adrian, or a drunk like Helena, but most likely a morphling addict. You saved me. You. I was dead, dead, dead, and you woke me up. You may make me bat shit insane, but it’s because I love you so fucking much, that I get so scared that you’ll figure out that I’m a terrible human being, and decide I’m not worth it anymore. Just the thought of living without you is enough to paralyze me. And even that is scary. My happiness depends solely on you. That’s way –”

I’m cut off suddenly by Czar’s booming bark. He struggles to his fat ass and surges off my lap, nails digging in deep, and runs over to a window to look outside. Can’t a guy catch a break? My flow is utterly gone, and I’m back to where I started. “You stupid fucking dog!” I yell at him as he barks his head off at a bird or something. I look back at Aria, shrug my shoulders in a ‘fuck it’ manner, put my hands on either side of her face and kiss her roughly. I let her go, and fall forward to my knees in front of her, pulling out the ring box. I hold it out, practically shoving it in her face, without even opening it. “Won’t you just fucking marry me?”

Nailed it.

[Deleted]

I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better, I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender

No matter what I do, I always feel like it's not good enough.

Which is why even though Julian's pouring his heart out and I should be smiling like an idiot, all I feel is the vague sensation of a knife in my chest at every declaration of love and every assurance that I've somehow had a positive affect on his life. I was as confident as I could be a few minutes ago and I don't know what's changed all of a sudden, but now my own shortcomings hang like a weight on my heart that grows steadily heavier with each word he says. My fingers play absently with a loose thread on my pajama pants, that familiar, oppressive presence of all-encompasing demoralization making me want to go crawl in a hole somewhere. I want more than anything to ask him how shackling him to my mental instability and less-than-affluent financial status has done anything to make his life better, but he seems to be working up to something, so I content myself to bite my tongue and fix my gaze intently on the floor.

You know, I don't think disheartening you is ever going to get old. It's just so much fun,

the Voice cackles, triggering a wave of frustration and utter despair that sends tears welling up in pools of liquid fire that cloud my vision and force me to blink repeatedly to keep them from falling. Oh, Ria, don't cry. You don't want him to see how weak you are, do you? How useless? Not when he's sitting there singing praises that you don't deserve.

[/color]

What is wrong with me?! You shouldn't exist, I shouldn't be able to hear you, normal people don't have Voices that make them hate themselves! While I may seem composed on the outside my mental response is bordering upon frantic, depression giving way to terror as I realize (not for the first time) that I'm certifiably insane. Why can't everything just be normal for once?! I hate this, I hate you, you stupid -

My thought is interrupted by a sudden and unexpected pressure against my lips, a surprised squeak muffling itself against Julian's mouth before he pulls away abruptly and is suddenly on his knees and shoving something into my face in a blur of motion that I can't even begin to keep track of. "Won't you just fucking marry me?"

For the first time in ages, my mind is mercifully (or unmercifully, depending on how you look at it) silent. I swear, I can hear crickets in there. Apparently the Voice is just as dumbfounded as I am, because not one snarky comment makes itself heard, not one discouraging insult pipes up inside my head. No, at least for now, I have my mind completely to myself, and with all of this shock, I only manage to use this precious time to come up with one half-ridiculous thought that plays itself over and over on loop until it seems to be seared into my brain. Julian just proposed. Julian Scott just asked me to marry him, and I am wearing flannel goddamned reindeer pajamas.

I blink once, twice, not even bothering to attempt to pick my jaw up off of the floor, where it surely must be resting. I'm torn between that odd, shocked numbness and unadulterated terror as my gaze is pulled magnetically to the little black velvet box that is being held roughly two inches away from my nose. My hands tremble despite my attempts to breathe deeply and calm down a bit as I pry the box gently from Julian's grasp, feeling the softness of the inky fabric against my shaking fingers. It takes at least three tries for me to fumble with the thing to even get it open, and when I do my reaction probably isn't the most eloquent.

"Holy shit!" I very nearly drop the box, saucer-wide eyes glued to the glimmering diamond that shines starkly against the dark velvet backdrop. The thing is absolutely gigantic and unbelievably gorgeous; I don't even want to begin to think about how much it must have cost. I've never been this close to such a marvelous thing, and just looking at it takes me back to days when I was a little girl, hands pressed eagerly against the glass of the tiny jewelry store in town and dreaming of the day when I could stand on a stage in beautiful ball gowns and long ropes of pearls and glittering diamonds like the one that scintillates brilliantly in my palm right now.

"Julian, we are seventeen years old. True, you're almost eighteen, but we are seventeen years old." Call me a buzzkill, but my mind is immediately drawn to the negatives of the situation, which is always what happens with these types of things. I want to be absolutely giddy with happiness and fling my arms around him and say yes, yes, a thousand times yes like those ladies in the Capitol soap operas always do, but I cant stop the panic that boils through my veins and starts to steadily devour my elation. "And not only are we just kids, but there's also the problem of your family hating my living guts. And the fact that you're technically engaged to Felicity. And the fact that you have a crazy stalker that wants to live in your hair and kill me. We're not exactly looking at a fairytale wedding, here."

I'll readily admit it, I'm more scared than I've ever been in my life. This rock in my hand implies so much that I'm utterly unprepared for (a whole new existence, a family of my own, being somebody's wife), and although it all frightens the living daylights out of me I can't fight the grin that starts to bloom on my lips as I gently close my fingers around the ring and pull it out of the box so it rests in a glimmering circle in the center of my palm. While this whole situation is scary as hell and makes me want to curl up in a ball and sob that I'm not worthy, the idea of a house with a picket fence and beautiful little children with stormy eyes and finally having something I can call mine is enough to make me realize that this is something worth fighting for. At this point I'm smiling so widely that my cheeks begin to ache as I deftly pick up the ring and place it on my finger, where it fits almost as perfectly as a puzzle that had been missing a piece until now. "But I've always thought that fairytales were overrated. I guess what I'm trying to say is yes. Hell yes."

The Voice returns with a vengeance, positively howling in protest as I lean down and kiss Julian while grinning like an absolute fool, fingers lacing through his hair and trying to see whether any of this feels any different now that he's got the label of fiancee attached to him instead of just boyfriend (it doesn't, and I wouldn't have it any other way). You're lying, you idiot, to him and yourself! You won't go through with it. You're weak. You're too weak to go after what you want because you're scared of getting hurt like you hurt everyone else in your life. You couldn't follow through this morning and you won't do it now, Ria. I know you.[/color]

You know what? I respond, feeling braver that I have in a long time. You're right. I am absolutely terrified of getting hurt. But all this time I've been thinking that it was you holding me back, when it was really just me. And I'm done doing that now. So shut the hell up and watch what I can do when I'm not scared anymore.

It's true that I've never felt good enough, for anything. But maybe that's just because all my life I've been using those feelings of inadequacy as a shield, an excuse to keep me for reaching out for the things I wanted as a way to keep myself from hurting more than I already was. There are some things in life that everyone has a right to, and happiness is one of them. Something inside me has changed in the reflected light of the ring that sits heavily on my left hand, and now, for the first time, I'm fully prepared to chase after my happiness and get it, even if it means failure and suffering and fighting through it. Because if there's anything in this world that's worth the pain, it's Julian.

"This morning. I shouldn't have freaked out," I breathe, pressing my forehead against his and twining our fingers together. "It was just so damned hard for me to admit that I wanted you, and I guess it was because I was scared of rejection. And I... I don't know. But I'm not scared anymore. And I do. Want you, I mean. And now that we're engaged and everything..."

I trail off, frustrated at my own perpetual lack of eloquence. Words have never been my strong suit, so I abandon them in favor of action, bringing my lips back to Julian's and rolling my eyes at my lame attempt at making a heartfelt speech. "We really need to stop talking."[/justify][/color][/blockquote][/size]

[Eastern Orange]

I’m was worried there for a second, not gonna lie. Aria makes it sound like she’s going say no, and when she doesn’t, when she actually says yes, well, it’s the happiest moment of my life. I launch immediately into kissing her. I want nothing but to feel that closeness, but she refuses to shut up. I try not to grin, and push my lips against, trying to manually shut up, but it doesn’t work. She prattles on, about what I don’t know. I pull her against my chest, and stand up. I wrap one of her legs around my waist. "We really need to stop talking." I laugh against her lips, and wrap the other one around my waist. I turn toward the bedroom. “No, you really need to stop talking.”

-Fade to black-

“Aw, look at our precious angle, Helena”

The voice slithers its way into my dreams, wraps around my beautiful bliss, deploys nasty barbs, and drags me out of my wonderful world into bright confusion.

“You owe me 20 bucks. I told you’d they’d be naked when we found them. Pay up.”

Oh god no. Adrian. I open my eyes slightly, squinting against the early morning light, trying to see if the voice was just a terrible, terrible hallucination. It wasn’t. Leaning over me, his face in mine, was Adrian. I jump, surprised by his proximity. “What the fuck!” I shove my hand in his face and push him away, sitting up at the same time. I look around the room and see that Helena and Felicity are with him. Heat rises to my face when I realize that I’m naked under the blanket. I look over at Aria, and thankfully, she’s still covered by a blanket. “Why the fuck are you guys here? Get out of here!” I point at the door.

Adrian’s face falls in fake disappointment. “Little brother, aren’t you glad to see your family? We came all the way out here just to see you, and this is how you treat us?” I growl at Adrian. “Shut the fuck up, bastard, and get out of here.” Adrian just sticks his tongue out at me.

Goddammit. Just when Aria and me were on the same page and finally having a good time, this bundle of fuckwads appears. We left the house to get away from them, and now that they found us, I knew for a fact that I would not be able to get Adrian to leave. I might be able to get Felicity out by attacking her self-esteem, and I could threaten Helena’s alcohol stash to get her to go away, but there was no fucking way I was going to get Adrian to leave.

[Deleted]

I found the cure to growing older
And you're the only place that feels like home
Just so you know, you'll never know
And some secrets weren't meant to be told
But I found the cure to growing older

My mother's always told me that I would probably be able to sleep through a nuclear war, and she's most likely right. I can't begin to count the amount of alarm clocks I've thrown against the wall for ringing too early or the amount of pillows I've thrown at Liam's head when he attempted to get me up for school. While I'm generally a morning person, I wake up when I wake up, and anyone who attempts to make me roll out of bed before my internal clock makes me rise on my own probably isn't going to be very successful. This morning is no exception to the rule; I'm sleeping incredibly soundly even though I'm having a very odd dream involving myself and tap shoes and a purple elephant, when something pulls at the edges of my consciousness and tugs me halfway into the world of the living.

Someone's shouting about something, but it's so far away that I can't make out the words and that's not right because Julian and I are the only ones here and who could he possibly be yelling at? Maybe there's a TV somewhere in the cabin that I didn't know about. Groaning with the agony of being half-awake when I want nothing more than to slip back into my comfortable nest of sheets and admittedly weird dreams, I grope around blindly for a pillow and press it over my head in an attempt to block out the noise, wanting to say "Turn the TV off," but only letting out an incoherent mumble that sounds vaguely like "Urnaeeveeoff…"

But as I gradually begin to wake up against my will, the distant shouting only grows louder and I'm forced to acknowledge that I'm more awake than asleep at this point. With my increasing clarity of consciousness come the realizations that the sun is streaming through the window which means it's late in the morning and that I should probably be up anyway, but it's just so comfortable here all curled up in bed with a steady, warm presence next to me. Smiling sleepily, I scoot closer to the nearby form and curl into it, still too bleary to notice that something's off because Julian's taller than this and he doesn't normally smell like expensive perfume with a touch of something sharp and bitter that might be whiskey and he shouldn't feel this soft, because it almost feels like I'm cuddling something feminine.

"Hm, morning," I mumble, eyes still shut against the sunlight that burns even through my closed lids. "Last night was interesting." Slowly, carefully, I open my eyes, staring into a pair of stormy gray ones. Wait… Julian doesn't wear mascara.

"Morning, princess," Helena Scott says, the most evil smile on her face I've ever seen in my life. And that is when I shriek like a banshee.

It's hard to jump back from something while in a horizontal position, but dammit, I manage, flailing away from her like she's some kind of poisonous viper (and she is, I know this from both experience and what Julian's told me), clutching the sheets around me protectively and feeling my face immediately catch fire when I realize that my boyfriend's - wait, fiancee's - sister has somehow discovered both of us in a very, erm, compromising position. "What the hell?!"

And then I turn over to look at Julian and shriek like a banshee again, because Helena isn't our only visitor. Standing on the other side of the bed is a very amused-looking Adrian and oh God, Felicity. I could die. I really could. Even though I have to take some satisfaction that my current state of undress and the fact that there's a huge diamond sitting on my finger sends her a very clear message of I win, bitch, my utter mortification has a nasty way of crushing any sort of victorious elation I might feel.

"This is a dream. This is all a horrible nightmare," I say resolutely, glaring at each one of them in turn with a ferocity that's more than a little reminiscent of a puma. "I am going to close my eyes, and when I wake up, none of you will be here. You are all awful, terrible figments of my overactive imagination. I am going to wake up now."

I screw my eyes shut, and bring my hand up to pinch my shoulder, hard. And then I wait for a few seconds, fervently praying to every diety I've ever heard of, before I open my eyes again - only to be met with the sight of two Scott siblings and one bleach-blonde tramp whose last name I can't even pronounce, all three of them staring at me, very real and very much not a dream at all. Covering my face with the hand that isn't holding the sheet around me like a 400 thread-count toga, I slump back against the pillow, eyes fixed on the ceiling. "Fuck my life. Seriously. I hate you all. So much."