143{Gemma}

[gemmawolf]

***
Gave my life a whole new meaning
Now I’m on top of the world
Top of the whole wide world
***

"I know, and I love you." But you can’t look me in the eye and say it, she thought. It was unfair to think like that, but emotions were running high and didn’t allow time for rational thinking. She knew that he loved her, so when she calmed down later on she would correct her opinion. But at that moment she was angry and frightened, a bad mixture for a stubborn person like Nee.

"I worry about you too though. I worry about the slightest things. Like if you are ever late to work by just a minute, I freak.” They looked each other in the eye, repairing some of the damage between her trick and his repeated mistakes. “When I see your sister enter the building, I worry immensely, but then I see you walk behind her and I'm washed over with relief." She opened her mouth to reply, but no words came out. She couldn’t put her feelings into words. As he turned to leave, heading towards the stairs, she dropped her own gaze and stared at nothing in particular.

When will he learn? she asked herself, still trembling. She felt awful for nagging him; really, it was his choice. But she couldn’t stand by and watch him – let him – make himself ill over and over. Especially since she didn’t want to part from him. She smiled, very faintly, but it was there; the memory of a torn-out page of her diary, stashed safely under her mattress with ‘Nee Springer’ written carefully on it, decorated in hearts and raindrops... and sunbeams and pinecones. Like her necklace. She fiddled with the tiny beads, recalling how overjoyed she was to receive the precious gift earlier that night. She had written it in their early days, the dizzy stage of hugs and kisses. But relationships weren’t always fun, she knew that from occasions when her parents fought bitterly. They were made of ups and downs, and they were only worth something if you could battle it out and keep that love strong. This was a test, and she wouldn’t fail it.

She quickly made her way up the stairs, unnoticed by the adults who had passed through the phase of stupor and into the warm, sleepy cradle of the alcohol. It wouldn’t be long before all four of them fell asleep together, not realising in the morning why they are still at the table until the foggy head and banging headaches set in. She stopped at Rowan’s door, taking a deep, calming breath to lower her racing heart. He won’t be mad at you, she reassured herself, so stop panicking. She pushed open the door, causing something to drop, though she didn’t see what. He stood there, eyes wide and his hand over his mouth. She gave him a puzzled look. “Are you going to be sick or something?” she asked hesitantly.

Something caught her eye; a small bottle on the floor. She switched her gaze back to Rowan. It’s not likely to be sweets... She clenched her fists, all reason and thoughts of irrevocable love washed from her mind. If he had been nothing more than a friend, she would have already leapt at him, demanding to know what the hell he thought he was going. But even though blind fury had momentarily grabbed hold of her, she still saw him as Rowan: the boy she loved. Instead, she let out an exasperated growl, turned on her heel and plonked herself down on the top step.

Idiot! She rested her head on her knees, bringing her arms and hands over the back of her head, hiding from the world. She just wanted to curl up into a ball, tighter and tighter, until she disappeared. The frustration began to drain out of her though, leaking into the materials of the house around her, or evaporating into the air. It took her several minutes to pluck up the courage to go back into the room and face him. As she stood up her hand went back to the necklace, reminding her of the time he always made for her. The things he knew about her. The good things about them being together. She stood in the door way, one arm by her side, the other at her neck. “I’m all ears. Just tell me everything, Rowan. Let me into that thick skull of yours.”

[lyss]

.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.
Giving me cute names, yeah I like that, ayy
If there call trouble, call her right back
Showing PDA in every way, ayy
I never pictured me doing this saying
.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.

Rowan watched Nee leave his room, tears threatening to explode from his eyes. He had just screwed up his relationship with the only girl he truly loved. He flopped on his bed, letting a load moan escape from his mouth. He let the tears flow, not caring anymore. Whatever self esteem he had had left when the first drop of alcohol had touched his tongue earlier. He didn't care how pathetic he seemed. Right now all he cared about was patching up things with Nee.

He hated that it took him this long to realize how much he was hurting Nee. All he had ever wanted to do since he was ten was fit in, even if it had meant hurting himself. Hurting himself now, though, meant hurting Nee as well. Nee deserved better things than that. A single thought flashed through his mind. She deserves better than me

Rowan knew he could never do it, though. Breaking up with Nee could never be an option. He loved her too much. He always heard people say if you truly loved something, then you should set it free, but he could never do that. It would hurt too much.

He brushed away the few tears that had run down his face before sitting up. He heard silent footsteps before seeing Nee at his doorway, fingering the necklace. The 143 on her hand drilled holes in his eyes, reminding him of how there can be good in a relationship.

“I’m all ears. Just tell me everything, Rowan. Let me into that thick skull of yours.”

Rowan practically flung himself at Nee. He pulled her into his arms, giving her a kiss that seemed to never end. When they broke for air, he whispered, "I'm so sorry. I never realized how much pain my stupidity causes you."

He gave Nee another long kiss, taking in the shining sweetness. He took one of her hands in his, slowly leading her over to his bed. They sat down, causing Rowan to let go of Nee's hand. He exchanged the hand holding for him wrapping his arm around her. He held her close, not wanting to let go. Two small yawns surfaced, sleep overcoming the couple.

He loosened his grip on Nee, letting them both fall back on the bed. Rowan turned so he faced Nee, letting him see her one last time before sleep washed over him. He took a stand of her hair in his hand, twirling it and playing with it, a smile rising on his face as he did. When it was just him and Nee, everything was so happy and joyful.

"I wish we could leave it all behind," he whispered. "I wish we could run away and live together somewhere away from our parents, our friends, our lives. I love my family, of course, but I think they're causing me to hurt myself. If they cared about me, they would've stopped my drinking habit a while ago. It wouldn't have to be permanent if you didn't want to. Maybe just for a day or two, to give them a good scare. We don't have to, though. Your parents probably care so much more about you than mine care about me... What do you think?"

Rowan's heart thumped loudly, causing him head trauma. His heart raced, beating so fast h thought it would rip away from the strings tying it to him. He felt as though he had just proposed, which he sort of had.

"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't think we could make it. We could each get some food and some knives from our kitchens. I could borrow an axe from work. If you didn't want the stress of having to live in a district, we could go over the fence."

He twirled more strands of Nee's hair, waiting for an answer to his crazy plan. He hoped she didn't think the whole think was stupid. He hoped that she might have been thinking the same thing too, or at least considered it before. He didn't want to scare her, so the thought of her wanting the same thing, too, would comfort him greatly.

[gemmawolf]

***
You lift me up when I was falling
You lift me up when I was falling
***

He’d been crying, she could see that now, though she barely had time to register the thought as he threw his arms around her and kissed her. Her head thumped from it all; the confusing emotions and competing feelings. She could be angry with him forever, but that wouldn’t stop her from loving him. She felt tears stream down her face again. Pull yourself together, girl, she ordered, and wiped her eyes when they parted. “I'm so sorry. I never realized how much pain my stupidity causes you,” he whispered. He kissed her again – was it longer? She couldn’t tell. Then he led her to sit down on his bed with him and wrapped an arm around her. The closeness was comforting. She smiled, thinking, this is our first argument. And already we’re working through it. If that wasn’t love then she didn’t know where else to look.

Safe in his arms, she felt a wave of calmness wash over her existence. When they fell back onto the bed, she didn’t mind what her parents would think if they found them. It was late; they were tired and simply fell asleep together. Who are they to talk? she thought. They’re snoozing at the dinner table. At least one of us here is sober. She let thoughts of the adults go; they weren’t worth the bother. Instead she gazed into Rowans eyes dreamily as he played with her hair, both of them smiling and at ease.

She was just drifting into a light sleep when he said, "I wish we could leave it all behind. I wish we could run away and live together somewhere away from our parents, our friends, our lives. I love my family, of course, but I think they're causing me to hurt myself. If they cared about me, they would've stopped my drinking habit a while ago. It wouldn't have to be permanent if you didn't want to. Maybe just for a day or two, to give them a good scare. We don't have to, though. Your parents probably care so much more about you than mine care about me... What do you think?"

What do I think? she wondered lazily. I think you’re just a normal person. She thought of the times when she had snuck out of the district, eager to get a bit of quiet time in the woods. Usually it was never further than a mile from the settlement, but occasionally she strayed far off in search of adventure, easily covering thirty miles in a day. In the worst cases she had been forced to survive the hard way, battling it out with two Careers then helping a stranger back to her home to be treated for his crippling injuries. She got herself into deep trouble, and yet she went back for more. I can survive out there, she concluded, but can he? He’s confident, strong. We make a good team. But it’s tough. And we could get caught. We could get sent to the Detention Centre. We could be killed a thousand times over by the dangers of the woodland.

It would be romantic though. She woke herself up with the very idea, ready to hear his next thoughts more clearly. "I wouldn't have asked if I didn't think we could make it. We could each get some food and some knives from our kitchens. I could borrow an axe from work. If you didn't want the stress of having to live in a district, we could go over the fence." She thought about it, leaving behind everything they had. What did they have? A family each that they loved, but could live without after the initial loss. A job – well, there were plenty of those about. School was a waste, especially since they had both been practically thrown out of the social aspect of life after pairing up.

They had everything to live for, and still... She sat up on the bed. “Rowan, I need you to keep a secret.” She knew he would, so she carried on. “Over the last few years I’ve been sneaking out of the district every now and then. My father knows about it, and he’s trying to stop me. It’s not easy, Rowan. Remember that time I was missing for a week and I turned up, disorientated and ill? It was a lie. I’d been fighting my way back home with someone who couldn’t walk!”

She sighed, remembering the horrid experience. It’s no joke, she reminded herself, then smiled at him. “I think we’ll be able to handle a life here, Rowan. But they do need a wakeup call. I’m being strangled here! Not just at home; people still make fun of me at work, you know that? I’m not popular with the other girls - not like anything’s changed there. And at home, I just chop wood, bake bread and sleep. Maple is the only one that keeps me sane when we sing and dance, but it’s not enough for me. I love my parents, and they love me. But I want a life. I want some fun.” So what are you saying?

“So,” she said, lying back down, “when do you want to go?”

[lyss]

.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.
Hey girl, I wanna give you a round of applause
You deserve a standing ovation
Cause you got me falling in love with all the things you do, baby
.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.

Rowan felt his eyelids flutter, fighting to push him into sleep. Blue and purple and green spots swirled around Nee, causing Rowan to squeeze his eyes shut for a few minutes. He twirled some strands of Nee's hair until he was sure the dots would be gone. When he opened them, the dots were gone, but he wasn't sure if Nee was actually glowing or not. He shook his head, trying to wipe away whatever mirages the spirits were trying to produce.

He noticed that Nee seemed to be taking a long time to answer, as if she wanted to tell him something but she was debating on if she should. She quickly sat up on the bed, looking Rowan straight in the eyes. He was worried, for he saw a hint of pain in her eyes.

“Rowan, I need you to keep a secret. Over the last few years I’ve been sneaking out of the district every now and then. My father knows about it, and he’s trying to stop me. It’s not easy, Rowan. Remember that time I was missing for a week and I turned up, disorientated and ill? It was a lie. I’d been fighting my way back home with someone who couldn’t walk!”

He tried to grasp what she was saying. He nodded; yes he could keep that a secret. Was there more to it? Did she keep going back because she craved adrenaline? Was there somebody she met in the woods? Had she... killed anyone? Had she maimed anybody, severed any body parts? He knew that he could wait to find out though. Worrying about her fighting skills was not a priority right now. If they made it to the woods, they would need a skilled fighter.

“I think we’ll be able to handle a life here, Rowan. But they do need a wakeup call. I’m being strangled here! Not just at home; people still make fun of me at work, you know that? I’m not popular with the other girls - not like anything’s changed there. And at home, I just chop wood, bake bread and sleep. Maple is the only one that keeps me sane when we sing and dance, but it’s not enough for me. I love my parents, and they love me. But I want a life. I want some fun.”

Rowan swallowed hard, trying to contain all his emotions. He knew Nee was never really that popular, but it never mattered to him. In a way, it made him love her more. If she was popular, she could be turning into him. A person who takes overdoses with a drinking problem. He shuddered, trying hard not to imagine what life would be like if Nee turned to that life. He knew people still made fun of her at work. He made sure the boys in his group didn't do anything hurtful. They did friendly teasing, like Rowan did. Some of his crew were honestly trying to be friends with Nee, and he greatly appreciated that. He tried to break up whatever teasing he saw at work, but that was probably only a small sliver of it.

“So,” she said, lying back down, “when do you want to go?”

He pondered his mind for a little, searching for an answer. He wanted to leave right now, actually, but he knew they couldn't. The children were still here, and they couldn't exactly leave them alone with four drunk adults. Yes, they were asleep, but what if there was an emergency? The Springer's didn't have that many neighbors that one of the children could run to for help. They couldn't leave tomorrow morning either; it would be a school day and somebody would be bound to see or hear him. Their only option was tonight. Early enough where the won't be fighting off sleep but late enough where everybody in the house is asleep. His parents went to bed early, so it would be easy for Rowan.

"How about tonight? Does ten sound good? I'll have to leave earlier so that I can get the axe from work, though. How about we meet outside the coffee shop we met at this morning? That's pretty close to the fence. Bring some extra clothing. I hear it'll get cold tonight."

He planted a kiss on Nee's forehead, hoping that she would agree to leave tonight. It was already getting close to six, and he expected that Nee's family would come upstairs soon, expecting to leave. He didn't want Nee to leave; he wanted her to stay with him and keep him safe in the night. He wanted to stay awake for the small slot of time he had left with Nee, but his eyelids felt as if there was a person standing over him, forcing his eyes closed.

"Stay safe," he murmured just before he fell asleep.

[gemmawolf]

***
Always been believing
Gave my life a whole new meaning
Now I'm on top of the world
Top of the whole wide world
***

They were quiet for a long time, both considering the seriousness of their plan. They could get into real trouble, yet Rowan knew that and he still suggested it to her. Why? He needs the freedom I’ve found, she realised. Even after resolving never to vanish back into the greenery she had hopped the fence multiple times when she felt that pressing stress. We’re all so young, but we have so much to deal with: the Reaping, work and everyday pressures. I guess some people go into the forest like me, while others turn to drinking.

And there was another matter to attend to: their siblings. Nee would take her sister home then slip out again. Her parents would have to sort themselves out – they deserved it. A flustered, hung-over wakening would add to the panic, which meant it had to be that night. It was important not to be seen or unprepared, but she almost had it down to a fine art by then, allowing more personal reasons to come first. Whatever the motives were, though, at least they agreed on their course of action. "How about tonight? Does ten sound good? I'll have to leave earlier so that I can get the axe from work, though. How about we meet outside the coffee shop we met at this morning? That's pretty close to the fence. Bring some extra clothing. I hear it'll get cold tonight."

She felt him kiss her forehead gently, cradling her. She just held on for as long as she could, unable to shake off the idea that, despite planning to return, they were running away together. They battled it out against sleep for a while, but eventually gave in; she decided it was time to go when he whispered, "Stay safe," and promptly fell asleep. She got up, careful not to stir him, and kissed him on the forehead. I will.

She closed his bedroom door behind her until she heard the quiet click to tell her it was in place. Tip-toeing down the stairs she checked to see if the parents were still slumped over the dining table – which they were – and rejoined Maple, Oliver and Cherrie in their little room. Her sister glared at her furiously. “Where were you? We’ve been waiting forever!”

“Sorry,” Nee muttered, not particularly bothered, “and we have to go now.”

“I don’t want to.”

“You’ll see each other at school tomorrow,” she sighed, exasperated. But you won’t see me. After a small argument in hushed tones, Maple went along with her elder sister’s decision and went to rouse their parents. “No, leave them. They won’t appreciate it right now. See you around, Oliver.”

They left in a hurry, Nee practically dragging her sister along. Four hours? It’ll take me forty minutes to make it to the cafe. Then I need to get everything together, change and write a note. Always with the notes. “Don’t worry, I’m fine,” she wrote every time, but returned with cuts and bruises and evidence of brawls. She needed to collect bread and water and anything else she could think of. Extra clothing, like he said. They made it back in record time, both eager to get out of the freezing night air that was determined to get colder. She went to bed as usual, still fighting to stay awake, but only got out from under the covers when she was certain Maple was asleep.

Nee glanced at the clock. 8:45pm. Not much time! She threw on her thickest layers of clothing; two pairs of leggings, three pairs of socks, legwarmers, hiking boots, long-sleeved top, wool turtleneck, sweater, jacket, waterproof coat, scarf, fingerless gloves and ordinary gloves, earmuffs, hat and hood. Ready. She shoved any extra clothing into a bag; let them think I’ve gone for good, she thought, not even sparing a sock. She took another bag into the kitchen and filled it with bread, bottles of fresh water, biscuits and crackers while leaving enough for her family. Any left-over space in the sack was crammed with various supplies, especially medicine. With any luck they wouldn’t need it, or lose the other possessions – she cost them a fortune in lost goods whenever she strayed over the wall. There was little else to do by quarter-past-nine, other than to write that note for her parents to find.

We’re leaving. There’s nothing for us here; we can’t break away from the pain and pressure of life in the district, so we’re leaving it behind. By the time you’ve read this we’ll be on the other side of the country.
I love you, but I’m not sure if you feel the same.
Nee.

She thought about leaving a kiss, but decided against it. I’m not being forced to leave here, she reminded herself, pulling out a kitchen knife from one of the drawers and placing it carefully in the second bag. I’m going because I want to. I have no remorse. And besides: we’ll be back soon. Now, is there anything else? A she gazed around her home fondly, loving every log that made up the cramped little place, she couldn’t contain a pang of guilt. Her family was always doing their best for her, even if it wasn’t good enough at times. They didn’t deserve her to run off like this, but she was committed now. She slipped out the back door, her usual route on such quests, and picked up her axewhich was leaning against the wall of the house. She smiled, unsure why when she knew what was ahead. Maybe she was eager; perhaps she was genuinely glad to get away for a few days; she might just have been enjoying the mischeif. But one ideal stuck in her mind: freedom with the boy she truly, eternally, unconditionally loved.