Chuck Norris/Communist Russia Jokes.

[Prenten]

BEGIN! ;D

[skippy]

why make fun of the russians, commie's or not!?
A Mcdonalds once refused to serve chuck norris a McSausage because it 10:01am. He round house Kicked the place into an arbies

[Rachel]

When Chuck Norris jumps into a river, he doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

[inFamousL]

(Hitler/Communist joke) Whats the difference between Hitler and an American trooper? *Holds out arm as if doing Hitler thigy* 90 DEGREES!! *lowers and only pointing downwords but arm still up.*

[Prenten]

In communist Russia, Skill requires YOU.

In communist Russia, Fire do not kill you, YOU kill fire.

[Innocent]

In America you break law, In soviet Russia. Law breaks you.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

[Prenten]

If jesus can walk on water, chuck norris can swim thru land

[inFamousL]

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

When an episode of "Walker: Texas Ranger" aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris... just to be on the safe side.

[[Ree]craft]

Chuck Norris counted to infinity... twice.

[The Source]

Chuck Norris is so tough, behind his beard, he doesnt have a chin. It's just another fist

[inFamousL]

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Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.

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What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

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Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

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Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

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If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

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Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

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How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.


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The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm …



… indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
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While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

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Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.

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Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

[dannoirl]

#When chuck Norris goes in to donate blood, he declines a needle, and instead asks for a gun and a bucket.
The great wall of china was built to keep out Chuck Norris but it failed misserably.

[WT]

In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris makes jokes about you.

*is shot for lameness*

[Mourne]

Scientists have proven that 1CNRHK (guess!) is equal to the explosion of the "Big Bang Theory"
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You know you have been in Russia too long when ...

You have to think twice about throwing away the empty instant coffee jar.

You carry a plastic shopping bag with you "just in case."

You say he/she is "on the meeting" (as opposed to the more proper "at the" or "in a" meeting).

You answer the phone by saying "allo, allo, allo" before giving the caller a chance to respond.

You save table scraps for the cat(s) living in the courtyard.

When crossing the street, you sprint.

In winter, you choose your route first by determining which icicles are least likely to impale you on the head.

You are impressed with the new model Lada or Volga.

You let the telephone ring at least 3-4 times before you pick it up because it is probably a mis-connection or electric fault.

You hear the radio say it is just at or below freezing outside and you think it might be nice day for a change.

You argue with a taxi driver about a fare of 30 rubles to go 2-3 miles while it is snowing.

You actually know and care who won the last Spartak soccer match.

You win a shoving match with an old Babushka for a place in line and you are proud of it.

You hesitate to put on your seat belt to avoid offending the taxi driver and the impending 5 minute conversation to explain why you are putting it on.

You are pleasantly surprised when there is actually toilet paper in the WC. ( On what trip in Poland, After 3 days I was shown where the toilet roll was kept, I was told by my colleague that we had now achieved trusted advisor status)

You look at people's shoes to determine where they are from.

You're anxiously concerned because you forgot your "just in case" disposable hypodermic needle in your other coat.

You "automatically" hand in your pepper spray at the door before going through the metal detector.

You are pleasantly surprised when there is actually wine in that bottle of Georgian Kinzamaruli. ( Not everyone gets this one, email for solution!))

You notice that Flathead's cell phone is smaller than yours and you're jealous.

Your day seems brighter after seeing that Goon's Mercedes run into by a pensioner's "Moskvich".

You are thrown off guard when the doorman at the nightclub is happy to see you.

Your not sure what to do you when the "Gai" only asks you to pay the official fine.

You wonder what the tax inspector really wants when she says everything is in order.

You give a 10% tip only if the waiter has been really exceptional.

You plan your vacation around those times of the year when they turn off the hot water.

You're offended when your American friend gives you a "dozen" roses.

You don't notice that Sony sticker on the front of your TV.

You are relieved when the guy standing next to you on the bus actually uses Kleenex.

You are envious that your expat friend has smaller door keys than you.

You ask for no ice in your drink.

When you start using "davi" instead of "yes".

When you go mushroom and berry picking out of necessity, not recreation.

When you develop a liking for beets.

When you eat hot dogs for breakfast.

When you begin to socialize with your driver and/or your cleaning lady.

When you know what Dostoyevsky's favorite color was.

When you swear the arms on Gagarin's statue move (see photo).

When you move to Budapest and think you're in heaven.

When you start thinking of bread as a good mixer for vodka.

When you drink the brine from empty pickle jars.

When you start shopping for products by their country of production

When you go for a walk in the park, Baltika in hand, and its -8 and snowing.

When it doesn't seem strange to pay a the GAI of $2.25 for crossing the double line while making an illegal U-turn and $35 for a microwaved dish of frozen vegetables at a lousy restaurant.

When your coffee cups routinely smell like vodka.

When you start to "feel" public transport and bridge opening schedules.

When you know more than 60 Olgas

When you give you business card to social acquaintances.

When you wear a wool hat in the sauna.

When you put the empty bottle of wine on the floor in a restaurant.
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Sorry for the super long post =D

[esmer]

Chuck Norris once ordered a whole chicken, but only ate its soul.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until they give him the information he wants.