HYSTERICAL || observations [Kheft]

[Kheft]

She was nervous, a little knot of suspense and anxiety all balled up in a jangle of nerves that was vastly out of place for the activity at hand—namely meeting Gage. Their relationship was so grounded and certain that it was second nature to be sneaking off and meeting him at every available opportunity. Whether he parents knew and chose to say nothing, or if she was as adept as she tried to be at keeping them blissfully in the dark, Sam was never certain. The fact of the matter remained, that since the disastrous occurrences surrounding their attempted introduction of parents into the equation, they had chosen to circumvent approval and merely continue spending time on their own in the relative privacy that Mangrove Cove provided them. Simpler and more instinctual than breathing in and out was searching the scenery for a glimpse of Gage’s face…and sometimes it seemed more necessary for living.

Tonight was different, or if Saamina was being honest, it had crept down the path of difference since the night she scaled the drainpipe to Gage’s second story window and fallen asleep blissfully tucked in bed beside him. It was meant to be a temporary escape from everything that reaping day promised to be. Now that the dreaded event had come and gone, leaving them both to gasp gratefully in the blessed reprieve, Sam was given the luxury of time to meditate on the unlooked for changes. Gage had seemed unaltered by the occurrence, though she caught him once or twice with an inscrutable expression on his face, watching her so intently. But he could be like that sometimes, lost in something else that she would never share. In her own storm of thought and experience, she was forced to recognize that something was different, and it refused to fade. It wasn’t anything drastic, just a…something.

Today should be nothing but another excuse to spend time with her friend. The dance was a traditional old formal that reenacted itself across generations of school children. A time when normal girls donned lacy frocks and made wishes on flower petals that the boy their eyes lingered on would give them some toke or statement of affection, ask them for a dance, kiss them in the dark schoolyard when they slipped away. It was the first year Saamina was old enough to attend, and she hadn’t considered doing so until time with Gage became so rare and sweet. She settled on the idea of asking him to go with her, and they didn’t have to dance if he wasn’t keen on the idea, maybe just sit and talk in their satisfying way.

Her mother, overjoyed by the news that she was attending a school formal (supposedly in the company of a female friend of hers), had spent hours painstakingly taming her hair from its irascible coils and fitting her into a hand-me-down dress that ended up requiring massive alterations to convince it to cling to Sam’s narrow frame. Now, here she was, skirting one corner of the schoolhouse, biting her lip and trying to understand why her heart was wildly missing beats. It was just Gage who would be waiting by the door…just Gage, no one else. So why, oh why, was her stomach intent on performing flips, and her hand shaking just a little? Why was she holding her breath in anticipation, and why was the sight of Gage dressed smartly in a dark suit something that made her steps falter in the borrowed heels?

[Kheft]

The suit sat a little off on his body, like a skin that needed shedding to make way for a new growth spurt. Still, to Sam’s suddenly shy observations, he looked like nearly the handsomest boy she’d seen. Her sisterly concern made small reservations for Brooke being tied with Gage for the position, but it was a momentary pause that quickly swept aside in the renewed thundering her heartbeat made in competition for rapidity with her indrawn breaths. She paused, just ‘round the corner, one hand resting lightly on the building’s cool brick siding. Was he always this much taller than her? Even with heels, she felt oddly dwarfed by her friend’s tall figure. Not just physically smaller…but some awareness in her chest whispered that he looked older, wiser, holding himself in a calm, almost bored manner that had her wondering why he’d agreed to come. This entire event must look childish, a dance, something so frivolous in comparison to the intellectual challenges that he was so enamored with.

She felt her cheeks flushing when a smile pulled at his mouth, and her focus wavered, fixing on that point for longer than a moment. Did his mouth always look that gentle, amused, she must have noticed it before, but it was fascinating in this light. Her blush deepened with the gentlemanly gesture, something relegated to the dusty pages of old stories, or the archaically amusing fairytales of one Brooke DelMar. Why was there this sudden tension between them, and did he feel it as well? It was heady and frightening, like diving beneath the surface of the waves with a new world spread out in hues of teal and purple and glints of gold, but coupled with a burning hunger for oxygen.

Saamina wanted more than anything to close her eyes and duck into the darkness of Gage’s jacket. As if that hiding place would return them to everything that was easy and balanced and safe…and another part of her head was whispering that maybe, just maybe, she wanted to occupy that space for a different reason. To feel the closeness to him she had experienced the other night, his breath heating her neck and hand cradling the side of her face. Sharing warmth beneath the blankets created by two bodies in a single bed, two heads on one pillow. Sam shivered; steadying herself and trying to find some solid footing in the alien landscape she found herself unexpectedly treading.

She wanted to turn and run as quickly as the ridiculous shoes would allow. Abandon dress and party to hole up in the familiarity of a sheltering mangrove wood, listen to lapping water, and try to find her way back from this unknown precipice. Her mouth opened to tell Gage that she wasn’t feeling well, that maybe the dance had been a bad idea. She didn’t want this feeling of losing control, of crossing some undefined line in the sand that might sweep her away from her best friend. She was going to say the words, but then she noticed how, despite obvious attempts to slick his hair down, Gage’s curls were escaping the gelled style. The wind licked at them teasingly, taunting them back towards their usual disorder. It was one thing, one touch of the every day; just enough to settle the violent churning in her stomach and soothe frayed and nervous senses.

What was she so afraid of? This was Gage! She almost laughed aloud at her own foolishness. What could possibly have come over her? Sam let her legs bend a bit at the knee, dipping a curtsey that combined childish grace with adolescent awkwardness.

“Mr. Bystrom, you look very handsome.” The compliment slid with an easy sincerity, Sam stubbornly refusing to examine its motivation. She was determined that these new doubts and uncertainties wouldn’t taint her evening. If only it was quite that easy to banish the approach of adulthood…

[Kheft]

The mundane setting of a schoolhouse interior had completely transformed, and as Gage and Saamina stepped inside along with throngs of other students, it felt like they had been swallowed whole by the underwater world of Sam’s imagination.

Thin sheets of metal, typically used to cover and protect ship hulls, had been cut and buffed into wild swirls that fixed to the wall in a tempestuous pattern of cresting waves and tossed back the scintillating light from hundreds of wax tapers lining the white-clothed tables. Old sail canvas had been died in hues of blue and purple the stiff cloth draped in pleated folds around the perimeter of the room, mixing with the reflective embellishments to form darker shadows and rich dimensions to play with the velvety tones and slick highlights that candlelight creates. Dried seaweed hung in festoons like streamers, and the entire affect was that the students had shrunk to schools of colorful fish in a vast, and glimmering ocean.

Saamina sucked in an awed breath, even though she had known and helped work on the individual pieces of décor, the completed scenery was far from what she’d anticipated. Her peers scampered around, squealing in delight and pointing out details in admiring tones. The initial formality of the event that had created a semblance of dignified behavior on their arrival now broke down as the childish nature peeked through, unable to hide excitement beneath a veneer of decorum.

She hugged Gage’s arm with a grin, eyes scanning around her, and with his question, she proceeded to whisper names of her various classmates, pointing them out as their figures ricocheted around the room. Though their village was small enough that it was no stretch to recall all of their names and recite them back to her friend, it was an interesting commentary on her own personality that she felt no need to get up and greet any of them with any urgency. A few trickled by the table, and it was noticeable that more came out of curiosity at seeing Gage’s older face, than any desire to socialize with Saamina.

One young girl in particular spent a long time staring at Gage from across the room. “Charissa.” Sam whispered, tilting her head indicatively towards the lone figure, who smiled brightly at the recognition and hurried across to the seated pair. “Her mum teaches in your grade’s classes. Math, I think.” The sulky tone in her voice could have equal measures to do with a grudge against math as with the effervescent way Charissa was smiling at her companion.

“Isn’t this aaa-mazing?!” The other girl fairly bubbled her enthusiasm, drawing out her words emphatically. “I had no idea this room could look so pretty! And I thought you had decided not to come, Sam?” Despite the words directed at her, Saamina found herself addressing Charissa’s ear. “Well, I had…but my mum really wanted me to come, and…” She trailed off, realizing her audience wasn’t paying much attention to the reply, and with a reluctant sigh she decided to take the bull by the horns, “Charissa, this is my friend Gage.”

It didn’t matter that she’d said ‘friend’, or that it was truly all Gage and Saamina were. Her hands were clamped angrily together beneath the table’s edge, and her chest felt uncomfortably tight, heart thudding against her ribs in a streaming chant that projected ‘Mine…MY Gage’ into the gray space between the three. Jealousy was a new, heated consort, and it soured her expression. She didn’t want to introduce the two, despite the fact that until this moment, she’d never had any ill will towards Charissa, in fact they had always gotten along as well as any. But, as the music swelled subtly in the background, prompting a few couples to scamper into the area cleared for dancing, the other girl seemed intent on stepping onto Saamina’s turf. “Oh! A friend, I thought maybe he was…well…” The girl chuckled and shrugged before turning back towards Gage, “I guess you won’t mind if I steal him for a minute?” She gestured towards the others and smiled hopefully.

It hardly mattered that, in all likeliness, the girl meant no harm. She was intruding, and Sam suddenly felt like a territorial cat, arching its back up. Her mouth opened slightly, prepared to tell Charissa that she *did* mind, but it suddenly occurred that she had no right to, and that Gage was here as a favor…and maybe…maybe he would want to dance with someone else. So instead, she shut her lips tightly, offered a noncommittal shrug, and left him to make his own reply.

[Kheft]

The music felt too loud, and her dress too tight. The previously beautiful scenery seemed to spin around her in the flickering light of the room. Waves appeared to truly dip and sway, and for one breath-holding moment, she had the impression that she was locked back beneath the surface of the ocean, drowning, searching for air to breathe as water rose and fell and swirled all around and over her head. It was a suffocating impression, one that had her heart performing strange feats of acrobatics and her lungs burning slightly with remembered sensation of being hungry for oxygen.

Gage, where was Gage?

Her eyes hunted the room, picking his tall figure out of the huddled couples on the dance floor, and immediately she felt better. Her muscles relaxing slowly, releasing their taut energy, and her fingers loosening the death grip they maintained on her chair. Panic, it was an unpleasant taste in her throat that finally seemed to dispel, letting her gulp down a deep breath of the warm air around. It was only after a good two minutes spent breathing in and out through her nose, that she was capable of discerning the tenor of looks Gage sent in her direction.

He was swaying with the music, hands resting against Charissa’s waist, which brought another bitter flair of jealousy that left Sam stunned and uncomfortable with her own reactions. What was this? Why did she mind so much if Gage danced with someone else? Charissa seemed to be in the clouds as she chattered away, her mouth working miles a minute, and her arms strained upwards to wrap around Gage’s neck. His face, however, was angled toward Saamina over his partner’s shoulder, and a look of confused pleading was written so clearly on it that Sam actually burst out snickering. The song was ending anyway, so she might as well rescue her friend before any other enterprising girls snatched him up.

Despite wobbly heels and skirts, she managed to cross the dance floor with dignity intact, her dress making unaccustomed swishes about her legs. The music had just whispered to a conclusion and the couples were all making either their thanks and returning to tables, or requesting new partners as others flooded out to join them. Saamina halted behind Gage and Charissa in time to hear the girl hurriedly attempting to secure him for the next song.

“Oh, but this one’s my favorite, you really should dance this one too.”

The soft laughter of her peer had Sam’s teeth clenching together for some unidentified reason, and she made a sudden step that brought her close alongside Gage. Her hand moved to rest with a possessive grasp on his arm. Moving her lips into a smile was harder than she’d anticipated, but she maintained the friendly expression.

“Thanks for getting him out here, Charissa, but he promised me that if this song came on we would dance. It’s my favorite.” She echoed the other girl’s earlier sentiment, barely giving her time to make a departure or objection before sliding between the two and settling against Gage’s chest, her arms occupying the space she’d seen the others maintain. As the lights dipped down a bit lower for the slow number, she relaxed a bit, noting when Charissa disappeared towards a gaggle of girls hovered by one table. Saamina tilted her head back enough to see upward into Gage’s face, and she grinned. “Now you owe me one.”

[Kheft]

He always knew what to say that made stresses and worries that had crept up to sit heavily on her young shoulders just fall away. Her mood improved by leaps and bounds, and just the fact that she was the one dancing with him now made her former jealousies seem petty and childish. What did you she have to worry about? Gage hadn’t upset her, he’d done nothing wrong…hadn’t he? Dancing with another girl, they’d only come as friends. But it had upset her, and wasn’t that what he’d asked? Saamina hesitated to say it out loud when it painted such an unpleasant picture of herself, but it wasn’t fair to hide it away when it was Gage asking, Gage wanting to know. She never hid things from him.

So, with a softly exhaled breath, and face tucked against his ironed shirtfront, she murmured the confession just loud enough for him alone to hear over the music. “You didn’t upset me, Gage…but I didn’t like watching you dance with her. Maybe that’s silly, but you dancing with girls that aren’t me just felt…wrong.”

Her shoulders formed into a shallow shrug, and she sidled further into his arms, letting them block out the faces around, even muffle the music, blurring the world until it was just her, and the heartbeat beneath her ear. It’s what he always managed to give, this safe place that only existed right here. Like the world could catch fire, but she’d be saved as long as those arms stayed around her and his head rested with familiar pressure against the top of her head. She was sure that even the beat of his heart must be unique from everyone else, and surely she’d know him just by that sound alone.

There was no word she could put to the emotion this moment in time was evoking. Maybe others could name it so early, but all Saamina knew was that she was gloriously happy, and there was no room for anything else. Happy and…and aware. Aware for the first time of how Gage smelled not just of soap and detergent and clean clothes, but…a deeper, richer tone that could only be him. That his arms didn’t just feel warm, but the muscles in them were firm and…and making her wonder if the room hadn’t suddenly gone a little stuffy and overheated. His cheek against her was a little rough from a youthful stubble that never seems fully swept away, it caught in her hair now and again as they swayed. And he was close, so very close to her, and pulling her closer…

It was so similar and yet such a polar opposite feeling, this heart racing, mind dizzying, dry mouthed feeling that was filling up her chest and thrilling along all the nerve endings in arms and hands. Like panic and fear, but there was no fear. Like drowning, but with oxygen to keep her lungs from starving. Excitement and anticipation, every Christmas morning, birthday surprise experience that she could recall, and all centered on her best friend. It was confusing and yet it made more sense than anything in her small world ever had. It made sense that all of these wonderful emotions should be so closely connected and felt when she was with Gage.

It was just a little too much to entertain them all simultaneously for long, so after savoring the lovely taste of them, the music slowed, and Sam let their bodies part ways. Her arms slid free from Gage’s neck, settling her back on the unstable support of the blasted heels. Her fingers found purchase on his hand, though, and with a gentle tug she suggested, “It’s gotten really hot in here. Want to walk outside for some air?”

[Kheft]

Their fingers woven together felt like the only anchor keeping her body from lifting off and floating away like a bird with spread wings catching an updraft. She still tingled, warm from head to toe from the remembered feeling of dancing toe to toe with him. What did that mean? Sam wasn’t completely ignorant, there’s lots that gets passed along on hushed whispers from one giggling adolescent to the next. Colorful cheeks and glistening eyes harbingers of the scandalizing girl talk to take place, little revelations of stolen kisses and awkward attempts at things that had always seemed so unpleasant and ridiculous to her young vision. What attraction was there in mouths touching mouths, it sounded so unpleasant and…gross.

Still, glancing up occasionally at Gage’s taller figure beside her, the silly things her classmates had said were pricking at the back of her mind. Half the girls attending had gushed over their hopes for a first kiss from one or other of the boys they had either come with or hoped to spend time with. It never occurred to Sam that she should anticipate anything of the sort with her best friend. That’s all they were, just friends going somewhere together in the way they always did. Having a new experience, sharing some time together. Maybe she never would have given it a second thought if that night hadn’t happened, if she hadn’t felt something…new, scary, exhilarating tucked into that bed beside him.

Now she wanted another taste. Dancing together had sparked that same emotion, like walking on the cliff edge, daring herself to leap off for a soaring, plummeting, screaming thrill all the way into the blue ocean depths that would catch her. Just enough danger and excitement to have her heart racing, palms sweating, lips dry in nervous anticipation…but with the same expectation that she would come out the other side with a safe stability. Gage wouldn’t let her drown.

Saamina steered them out of the main hall and towards a side door that she knew led outside. It’s wooden frame creaked slightly, but it gave way with weighted swing, and cool air rushed over them both, cooling heated cheeks, and doing much to still the rapid pattering of her heartbeat. Peaceful. With the music a muted rush held back from overwhelming her ears by the solid door panel, she could think and calm her heightened awareness. Out here, they reverted to Gage and Saamina, not a couple of refined and gussied up boy and girl counterparts to follow in ritually defined patterns. No. What was she thinking? The ideas that had been occupying the last ten minutes felt more than a little foolish beneath the open sky with its crisp coating of stars. Sam could almost laugh at herself, almost. Except for the quiet pang of disappointment that her return to rationality elicited, however quickly she stuffed it away.

Squeezing Gage’s hand once, she finally let go, blushing as she swiped the sweaty palm against her skirt with as much subtly as she could manage. Her shadowy figure guided them around the school’s corner and to a point in the fence where the overhung branches of a tree formed a mottled canopy, enough breaks in cover to let starlight still creep through. Placing palms on the splintery boards, Sam hoisted herself onto the top rung, never considering her state of dress in the need to feel like Saamina DelMar again.

When Gage joined her, she closed the space between them, resting one cheek against his coated shoulder and letting her gaze travel over the velvet black span of darkened lawn.

“Did you like dancing with Charissa, then?” It was a question that burst out before she’d even recognized the desire to ask. “I mean, I bet she dances better than me. She’s a little older, turned fourteen two months back, so I guess she’s closer your age than I am.”

[Kheft]

All of this uncertainty and introspection was giving Sam a headache, and her face leaned into Gage’s arm turned away from the scenery, hiding her eyes against the smooth material of his suit. It smelled like Gage, and she nested closer against his side. It wasn’t the way they were meant to be together, all of this cautiousness, the pangs of jealousy, it was foreign and unwelcome…yet not fully repressible. The debate swirled inside, whether to deny any concern and force herself to stop noticing, stop thinking of Gage in any manner other than the friend she adored. Even as she was making the decision to do so, that new awareness reared its head once again, reminding her that maybe there was something even better than what they possessed currently. If she took that next dizzying step forward, would the plunge be worth the loss of grounding?

How could she possibly know or find out without risking these moments of peace? A frustrated sigh escaped her. It was the one thing she wanted very much to ask Gage about; to let him weigh all of the pros and cons in his magical head, and tell her what was the best decision to make. He was so much better at this than she was, at observing and analyzing. But he was the one person who she was most reticent to divulge the quandary to.

“ “I don’t know, Gage…I-I guess I’m just feeling kind of confused…and I don’t know if I should talk to you about it…” A feeling of helplessness squeezed her chest as she looked up at him. It was an emotion so far removed from the typical Saminaa repertoire. Frustration, anger, negative emotions weren’t foreign, but being helpless was only something she’d felt once, when her family waited in that venomous silence to find out what Brooke’s fate would be. Now, it wasn’t her inability to fix a situation or protect a loved one, it was the complete lack of direction or understanding. Like steering a ship in the fog. With rocks poking their warning flags above the seemingly calm surface of water, a surface that hid depths of churning, tossing waters.

Why did things have to change? Why couldn’t she close her eyes and count backwards, make the decision to leave the Bystrom house and go home to her own bed, sleep in the colder, lonelier confines of her own sheets and blankets. Wouldn’t that be better? Then she could look at Gage now and see just a friend, just a boy who meant absolutely everything in her life. If he meant everything, though, did she want someone else to fill the other places? Even in her thirteen-year-old mind it seemed inevitable that she would get married and have a family, didn’t every girl in the District? Spend her life with someone who wasn’t Gage? That was absolutely unthinkable. Maybe she wouldn’t marry, she could just grow up with her best friend and continue living free to take her wanders about the cliffs and woods, swim in the summer, and never worry about things like boyfriends.

Reaching overhead, she plucked at a low-hanging branch, stripping a few leaves loose. The foliage rolled between her fingers—easing the need to fidget—and she picked at them, tearing tiny strips to let flutter away on the evening breeze.

[Kheft]

The lips whispering across her knuckles were warm, soft, and ever so gentle. The eyes that turned upwards to meet her own gaze held a hint of questioning behind them, no accusation at her reticence to confide in him, just…concern. It was as if she could read that obscure mind for one moment and see so clearly that Gage disliked what she was doing, this distance she was forcing between them as she scrabbled about, trying to adjust to the sudden changes. He had been morphing before her eyes, like the tadpoles she watched in the pond by her house, going from squirmy little minnow bodies to the fat green frogs she’d catch later in summer. Not, of course, that Gage looked like a frog…but then didn’t princes come from frogs? She remembered a story that Brooke used to tease her with when they went on bullfrog hunts, about a prince cursed into the body of a frog. He’d hold up their bulgy bodies and chase her around with them, trying to convince her that she should kiss it and set free the trapped prince.

Her mouth quirked slightly at the memory, and Gage’s face was close as he grasped her hands between his. So close. Her eyes flicked down to his mouth and back up, cheeks blushing a little when she realized that she had suddenly transferred those thoughts of princes and kissing onto him. She was curious… what exactly would it be like? Unconsciously she inched closer, the soft smile previously curving her lips now pursing into something a little more intent. But before any further thoughts or actions could transpire in the breath of distance between the pair with heads bent close together, the side door of the school house swung open with loudly protesting hinges.

Charissa popped her head through, and spying them, she trotted out the door and down the steps to join them.

“Oh there you two are! They just started serving food and I noticed you weren’t at our table. It smells so delicious, you don’t want to miss it.” Her words bubbled over, shattering the sustained stillness and any thoughts that Sam had entertained. She snatched her face back from the awkward position, and flushed even brighter beneath Charissa’s fixed gaze that held more than a little knowingness to it. There was a rush of disappointment, relief, and a little resentment towards the intrusion—but there was no way she would allow Charissa to think that she’d upset her. Saamina slid carefully off the fence, brushing a few clinging splinters from the back of the dress and keeping her hold on Gage’s hand.

“Thanks, Charissa, we’ll be right in.” Then she turned her back, as if there was nothing more to be said and tilted her face up to grin at Gage. “I guess we ought’a go in then, can’t miss the food!” she chirped cheerfully. When he slid off the fence to stand beside her, she gently tugged him down a little lower and pressed a chaste kiss agaisnt his cheek, imitating his own affectionate gestures. “It’s ok, Gage…cross my heart,” the childish words were whispered with an echo of their familiar comfort, “Let’s go get some food and then I want ta show you something.” Her face crinkled with secretive mischief.

[Kheft]

Her fingers fit into the crook of his arm, securing the two together like a ship on its moorings. The metaphor felt apt. Gage seemed to anchor her down, his solid reality keeping Saamina from drifting in the uncharted waters and wandering off course. In fact, having her arm tucked through his felt so natural and comforting that she managed her first heartfelt smile at Charissa. After all, who could blame her for noticing Gage? This best friend of hers was the most amazing person in the whole world, Sam was certain. Not everyone was so fortunate to find someone like him, but he was hers, and Charissa would just have to acknowledge that. It wasn’t an angry or jealous thought, she just…found herself knowing with certainty that this was where she belonged.

It was a trickle, growing into a pool of peacefulness inside her stomach, settling the confusing storm of emotions. Saamina smiled again, this one turned upwards to her friend.

It was ok, it was all ok. She knew now what she wanted, and it was just a matter of waiting until Gage caught up. He would.

With that renewed confidence, she led the way, brushing past Charissa and returning to the glittering interior of the school house’s main auditorium with Gage to accompany. The music had hushed a little, lulled from its earlier heady levels to a more muted, background melody. The prominent sound was now the quiet chatter of excited, young voices exclaiming over white, china plates that were being served out to the tables. Their surfaces held a steaming array of colorful foods, the nicest that summer had provided, and cooked with extra care by numerous student mothers volunteering their time and services to the youthful event. Scallops and mussels in a creamy sauce that mingled with little pools of yellow butter, escaping the steamy confines of heaped, white potatoes, the food surpassed what was served in most of the village homes. Save perhaps the wealthiest of families, few could afford such rich eating. Saamina savored every bite with a childish delight, her expressive face painting vivid pictures along with the running commentary she gave Gage.

“So much food, think I’m gonna burst! Did you try the sauce? Never tasted anything like it, bet it’s got a whole cow’s worth of cream. Stuff’s expensive too; I tried to trade for some once when we were making a dessert for Brooke’s birthday. Like liquid gold, only it tastes a hundred times nicer. Gold probably doesn’t taste nice, not that anyone’s rich enough to eat it. Maybe the President is, he could have a bowl of gold bits for breakfast if he wanted, I bet. Who wants to eat gold though, when you can wrap your mouth around this?” It was a miracle she didn’t choke with all she had to say, barely swallowing a forkful before launching into a new observation. “Drink some of the punch; it’s kinda fizzy like soda water, but real sweet, some kind of fruit in the bottom of my cup. Oh, it’s strawberries, chunks all cut up. I wonder what’s for dessert…”

When dishes were at last swept away by the attentive waiters, Sam’s mood had taken a swift turn for the better, any emotional quagmire from earlier seemed swept aside as she chattered happily to Gage.

“Looks like the eating part’s over for now, what else would you like to do?”

[Kheft]

“I’d like to cook for you.”

The words seemed to spring out of nowhere, and by Gage’s slightly sheepish look, he hadn’t intended to say them. That in itself was unusual enough to perk Saamina’s ears up and have her peering at him intently over her punch glass. The idea of Gage cooking for her was a novel one, and she’d never given much thought to the fact that he must possess some rudimentary knowledge born out of necessity. It wasn’t as if his mum cooked for him, but she’d always assumed they had someone in to prepare meals. Now her brain was busy weaving an image of him stirring pots over the stove while she sat by the counter, watching, teasing him about some amusing little detail. In the idle daydream, she ended up with sauce painted on her nose for the cheeky comment. That brought a grin. But Gage was skimming past the statement with abnormal swiftness, and she let him lead her away from the bustling room once more.

The quiet of the hallway outside the auditorium soon turned into the muted hush of abandoned rooms as they crept up a disused staircase and into the small attic apartment that looked to have been neglected for years. Dust laid thickly everywhere, undisturbed by any footprints or sign of life. Somehow this added a touch of secrecy that was fitting. It was a place Gage was bringing her, somewhere that obviously no one else shared, another of his little retreats. The mangrove cove, and now here…Sam relished it, knowing he trusted her, wanted her in these silent corners of his life. Without thinking, she slid her grip from his arm down to grasp his hand, weaving her fingers through with a warm pressure.

Together they lay on the floor, their bodies leaving unspoken signs in the dust, claiming this as their private territory. This room was marked out by Sam and Gage, no trespassers allowed. Above them, a single square of glass in the ceiling stared sightlessly upwards as a eye to the heavens, a frosting of stars gleaming back.

There was a jewelry shop that occupied a space beside Margot’s, and often times Sam had paused by their displays, admiring the sparkling allure of gems set out in such artistic structure. The sky reminded her of that window, with its glossy gleam of valuable stones. The color of each star reminiscent of the small pearl that Gage had found and given to her. It was safely wrapped in tissue and stored in the top drawer of Brooke’s bureau, beneath the abandoned socks and shirts, along with all of the other treasures she didn’t want her parents to discover. The thought of it drew her attention back to the boy beside her.

Gage’s face was only half lit by the silvery fog of light filtering down through the window, and almost the entire room was swallowed in shadow, leaving it to her imagination. It enclosed them in the only bubble of visibility, as if the rest of the world stopped existing for the moment and it was just those two remaining. Even the music had died away, perhaps all the other students had gone home, the dance over, and the building was empty below them. That was fine by Saamina, she hadn’t come to socialize anyhow. Levering one arm beneath her, she rolled to face Gage, her thin face puckering in thought for a long pause. It was obvious she wanted to say something, but was still reluctant.

“Gage?” her thin voice finally broke the silence. “If…if I ask you somethin'…promise you won’t laugh?”

[Kheft]

Sam grinned, giving his fingers a squeeze while his touched soothed along her cheek in the closest he ever came to a caress, his hand sweeping away some stray lock of hair that had escaped its grooming.

“Cross my heart.”

In the quiet that followed, where Gage waited for her to give voice to whatever query she had in mind, Saamina let her free hand perch lightly on his chest. She could feel his heart beating beneath the heel of her palm, a rhythmic thud. Her index finger traced the obligatory X for him, solemnly marking the spot over which his oath was being made.

No laughter, not that she’d seriously expected it from him. It was one of their perfections, how Gage listened with equanimity and aplomb to every curious, whimsical, and childish fancy that she chose to voice. Never once did he have to hide a condescending smile or address her as though she was vastly younger and inexperienced. He always just…took for granted that what she said must make sense in some way, and he gave earnest thought to her questions. In return, Sam was rarely impatient with the analytical process that Gage coveted. She gave time and even a reverence for the avid interest he took in…well most everything. And so, it took so little effort for them to weave together lives that came from such oddly separate spectrums. Without trying, they had bridged a gulf that most adults would find to vast to cross. It’s so often children who achieve the insurmountable, only because they are too naïve to know that such things are meant to be impossible.

“Ok then.” She nodded in contentment with the promise given. “Would you…kiss me?.” The statement slid so innocently from her lips, lacking any pretention or hidden meanings, wrapped in a childish honesty that even her blooming into adolescence hadn’t managed to strip her of. She wasn’t playing the coy coquette, though her cheeks still reddened faintly with some instinctual awareness that what she was asking might be denied or at the least, make her look foolish. “It’s just that I heard the other girls in school talking about it, and I guess they’ve all kissed a lot of boys…I never really thought about it before, but I haven’t. I haven’t kissed anyone!” The fact seemed to trouble her, and her forehead pinched a bit in deep thought. “But you’re so much older, I bet you’ve kissed tons of girls, and I thought you could…teach me? I think I’d like it if you would…”

Her face canted to one side, and she peered up with a tinge of the same shyness. It never occurred to her that she shouldn’t ask, that maybe Gage wouldn’t want to kiss her. This was something new, some exploration she’d never made, there was no thought but that she would turn to him as the companion for such new adventures. And maybe…just maybe it was more than that…because that smile tilting Gage’s mouth was meant for her, and he didn’t smile like that for anyone else.

Lyin' here with you so close to me
It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe
Caught up in this moment
Caught up in your smile

[Kheft]

I've never opened up to anyone
So hard to hold back when I'm holding you in my arms
We don't need to rush this
Let's just take it slow

Close…he was suddenly closer than she’d ever experienced anyone, even on that night spent curled up beside the warm, solidity of his body in the shared bed. Her chest clamped down tightly, and the sudden squeeze felt as if her heart had been smothered into silence and her lungs burned with forgotten impulse to inhale and exhale. All her suddenly stupefied mind could focus on was the hand that cradled her cheek with an infinite gentility, guiding her face upwards. There was a pause, a single second that ticked by and gave her the opportunity to change her mind, to pull away and laugh as though the whole matter was just a joke between friends.

One…

And then before the next second was spent with eyelids fluttered shut, anticipating a touch that was not denied.

He kissed her

What Sam could have imagined or dreamed up in her youthful inexperience would have been far removed from what occurred. Because no one can truly picture a moment that is engraved in pure sensation and drowning in the confusing inability to define. His lips were heat against her own, heat and soft texture that cautiously molded themselves to the contour of her own mouth. His breath mixed with hers for that fraction of time, spilling over their cheeks, and filling lungs that craved its presence. She had just a splinter of consciousness that catalogued how he tasted and the way his cheek was just slightly rough against hers, his fingers drawing firm on her skin as he anchored them together, and the tickle of hair sweeping against her forehead as his wild locks blended with her escaping curls.

And then he was breaking them apart, stealing away from the contact to look at her with eyes that melded worry and desire together.

“All right?"

But if Gage was analytical and measured each experience with a meticulous hand, Sam burned with the energy and impulsivity of a white-hot brand, and she closed that distance between them again without pausing to consider consequences. She’d been given one moment, just a small taste of this, and now she wanted more…a sudden hunger that blossomed in her belly and blocked out every other rational thought until her fingers shook where they crept to find a soft hold on the back of his neck.

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright

She kissed him then…pushing past all of the sturdy barriers he had erected to hold her at a safe distance, a chaste distance. Saamina slid beneath even Gage’s finest efforts to protect her, and she unashamedly gave him every bit of herself in one instant that sent them crashing through the delicate bubble of their friendship and into the murkier and frightening waters of every other possibility. There wasn’t a scrap that she held back from him, as her mouth spelled out her feelings in actions many times clearer than words could have allowed for. She kissed him until the blood pounded through her temples in a deafening roar, and she leaned back, breathless and stunned by the swift intensity.

When at last she opened her eyes to look up at the silhouetted face, all she could manage was a soft repetition of his name, into which she poured all the implied question that the moment deserved.

“Gage?”

please…please…

Though what her mind was begging him for was a mystery even to herself.

No I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far

[Kheft]

The air felt thick with expectation, her soft pronunciation of his name begging for an answer. Her mind spun, trying to make some orderly sense of everything she was suddenly aware of, and all the other strangely prickling sensations that represented the impulses she acted upon without awareness.

But there was no sense to this…and there was every sense to this. Perfect sense. Kissing Gage was terrifyingly, exhilaratingly perfect in a way that made this pause unbearable. The wait wasn’t long, regardless of how it felt to Saamina. Gage’s reply knocked the last remnants of air from her lungs and rational thought from her head. His arms swept her close, not in a brotherly embrace or even a chaste show of affection – in that one moment she knew Gage had lost control.

He rolled them both over until her body fell atop his, knees hitting the dusty floor on either side, sending a brief jolt of pain through her. It was a short lived sensation, however, as her brain had far more important things to catalogue. The neatly pressed suit jacket had fallen open, and without even thinking about it, Sam’s hands brushed it aside, craving the gloriously intimate feeling of lying up against his chest in such close quarters. Each dip and ridge of muscle was plainly felt through the thin, silky barrier of her dress and the even briefer one of his shirt. His hand dragged her closer, crushing them together until she could feel each indrawn breath and pounding of his heart as a physical sensation.

Saamina met him in the caresses, a freedom flooding through her to touch and explore, fingers laced through his hair, thumbs briefly landing on both cheekbones to travel their slope back and forth as his mouth rose to cover hers over and over until her head swam and she was gasping between kisses.

She wanted him…this…oh, god but she wanted this with such a ferocious desperation and foundation-shaking longing that all she could do was lean against him, glad that she wasn’t expected to stand or hardly move. Her fingers swept down from their grasp on his hair to stroke at cheeks, neck, shoulders, dragging questing palms shakily over his skin as she did her best to just remain afloat in the storm of sensation. Despite her best efforts, she was rapidly spinning out of control, motivated and pushed by instincts and cravings that she couldn’t put names or words to. It was euphoric and confusing and oh so frightening, her desires begged for more, to feel his touch reaching and claiming aspects of her that no one had ever delved, that she hadn’t even known existed until now. It evoked the hushed, but still pervasive sound of a hoarse moan slipping past her lips and offering up its undeniable evidence to the empty rafters above them.

Gage stopped then, his lips leaving hers and head thunking back against the wooden floor. Her cheeks heated as she looked down, felt her hair scooped back so that her face showed plainly. Freckled, pale skin washed even whiter by the barely reflected moonlight. She was both disappointed and oddly relieved by the respite. How far was she willing to take this? But now he was looking up at her…and apologizing.

“I’m sorry.”

The words sounded strange and twisted on his lips, in a tone that rang unfamiliar. And for the life of her, Sam couldn’t understand why he was apologizing, because nothing that occurred in the last few minutes seemed deserving of regret or apology. She’d been awed by his response and strangely pleased at her ability to evoke it. He’d kissed her as if she was someone desirable, as if he couldn’t hold back. Even now she couldn’t imagine why, as her lips burned, swollen from her passionate responses, and her fingers still traced his cheeks and forehead in amazement.

She shook her head, not trusting her mouth to explain the meaning for long moments as her heart jumped rope in her chest. The words were at last managed in a tenor that echoed his own huskiness.

“What for?”

Was he sorry that he’d kissed her? Now concern etched over the blissful expression.

“Did I do it wrong?”

[Kheft]

Why should it matter? She was fiercely stubborn in that thought. Why did he care that she was thirteen…it had never seemed to bother him before. Was it that he wanted someone his own age? And that made some version of sense amidst the remaining confusion. Of course Gage would want a girl who was older, more experienced, something closer and more like himself. In that revelation, she began to reflect on just exactly how silly she must have looked, throwing herself into the arms of her friend as if it was the most natural thing in the world that he would willingly explore this with her like some idle romp in the woods or along the cliffs. But kisses aren’t fishes, and she shouldn’t expect him to toss aside everything to grab onto this inexplicable something that she was clinging to.

Gage was wonderful and loyal and protective, he wouldn’t want to hurt her, in fact she was sure that he’d bend over backwards to keep her from getting hurt. Wasn’t that what he was doing now? All of this, maybe she’d just read the passion into it, the mutual desire…maybe what it really had been was Gage’s inability to disappoint his friend. Now, he sat up, disturbing their cocoon of filtered light and muffled sound. It was as if the world had broken in once more, and the drifting music and voices returned to interrupt the quiet.

“I want…this…Saamina. But you need to understand what we’re getting ourselves into.”

What that could mean was out of her grasp, and she rapidly felt like the tide was sweeping in beneath her straining feet and pushing solid ground ever further down beneath the riptide. What did he want…and what was he trying to warn her about? His mouth stroked her own, stoking up the smoldering coals and threatening to set them into a steady blaze once again. Why couldn’t he just see that she didn’t care about ages or parents or anyone else in the little village…she was only thirteen, but who says that is too young to know what you want?

She didn’t know how to answer or beg for what her sinking stomach told her she wouldn’t get. She would have begged if it looked likely to do an ounce of good, but Gage’s jaw was set in a line that Saamina knew well. He was in control again, determined to stay that way and keep her at a cautious distance once again. What was the point in explaining how she felt and what she wanted? So she said nothing. Contenting herself with hiding her face deeply into Gage’s shoulder, and squashing the newly birthed feelings even more deeply back where they had emerged from until she could whisper what he would want to hear.

“It’s ok, Gage. You’re right…this…this is good.” No it wasn’t, it was far from good, but she carried the lie along with a bit of false bravado in her tone. “Maybe we should stop.” And in any other instance Sam would have fought tooth and nail to secure what she wanted so badly, but not against Gage. Not when he deserved to be protected in the same way he was always trying to protect her – no, this time she would learn not to be so stubborn.

[Kheft]

Talk to him…talk…but for once the girl gifted with an easy chatter didn’t want to talk. She was so content to just kiss him, to lose herself in the cool calm that enveloped her when Gage laid them back down and drew her face to his again. This time it was comfortable, affectionate, like he was trying to wash away everything her mind had been churning over. Maybe he was, maybe he could read her mind. It wasn’t so far fetched to consider, she’d always felt like they could. The smell of his skin was a panacea to every stress she was hiding from…it was familiar and comforting. His hands framed her face, as if he could shutter away the strewn obstacles they might confront with all of these new revelations, blot them out if only temporarily, and give her room to breathe and brace.

And she did just that. She stopped thinking about what she was going to say or do five minutes from now, and let her racing mind focus on every little sensation that his lips produced, how unexpectedly soft they were for a boy with calloused working hands and fly away hair. His motions were so gentle and reassuring, and she released the pent up sigh against his skin, breaking the kiss enough to nuzzle at his cheek and press her mouth briefly against his ear.

“I know you better than that, Saamina. Talk to me.”

As if she’d ever been able to hide from him. Why did she bother trying? So, she let all the fears trickle out in soft confession, whisper them with cheek laid against his, body draped across his own, and arms wrapped loosely about his neck as she stroked furrows through his hair.

“I don’t want to lose this. I’ve only had it for a second, Gage, but I don’t want it to go away again. I know you think I’m too young for you…but if it’s just you trying to keep me from getting hurt, then don’t! You’re my world…” And that’s all she could say for the moment, mostly because now she was tired, and Gage was warm, and his fingers felt exquisite stroking her hair that had long ago given up any semblance of tame and was very likely streaked with dust from the floor anyway. So she didn’t try to say anything else for a while, but contented herself with occasionally pressing lips against his jaw or the side of his neck. Time passed slowly, languidly, not the heated rush of earlier, but something more like a meandering river whose quiet flow instills an atmosphere of serenity.

Sam was loathe to overlay any words onto the mood, fearful it would shatter like the passionate kisses had trailed away into confusion, that she would lose the pulse of this balance. Even more concerning, though, was the worry that when it did end, if she hadn’t said something, grabbed on tighter, there would be nothing left but a lingering taste. How could they go tramping through the woods and fishing, when her mind would constantly be replaying those moments with his arms tangled around her and his mouth possessing her own like they were meant to be fused together. You can’t pretend something like this didn’t happen, well, maybe someone with better lying skills than Saamina could accomplish it. Gage managed to call her on even the simplest of falsities. There was just no way, and that left talking.

She needed him to understand, to see that she was stronger than he thought, that it didn’t matter what anyone else said, because she couldn’t even imagine the next day without him. Friendship like they’d had now looked flat and pale in comparison.

“Gage, it don’t matter to me…you know that, right? I don’t care if you’re my age or…or forty!” she grasped at the ludicrous with her lips quirking in a smile, but her eyes desperately serious and pleading. Her forehead leaned down to his again and she let their noses touch in a silly way that helped to ease the tension inside her. “Maybe I don’t understand this very much, and I won’t lie and say I’m not a little scared…but that’s not a reason to run away. If you say you don’t want this, then that’s fine…but I don’t…I can’t think it’s just me feeling this way.”