putting the chalk away

[Deleted]

I'm going to be honest here, because that's something I've never really been good at. I need to leave.

For a while now, I've just let the "why to stay" excuses keep coming. Plot commitments, the reaping, Faye!trib, more threads and more plots, and now, Faye's death post, which has been sitting a little over halfway finished in My Documents for weeks. Every time I reread it, I literally just want to start over, but then I'm reminded of how many people are actually going to read it and how many people are just going to read the first couple words of the first and the last paragraphs and say they did, and then I ask myself why I should finish it in the first place. So, maybe I'll finish it sometime. I don't know. Probably not, but whatever.

Sorry to everyone that I've kind of just...dropped threads with. It's when roleplaying starts feeling more like a chore than a hobby that you know you aren't doing it right anymore.

In the three on-and-off years that I've been a member here, I don't think I've made much of a mark. Sure, I've had three tributes – one that I just look back on and laugh, one that although a bit VERY Mary-Sueish at times, turned my shallow 300 word posts into a 4.5k suicide-death post, and one that I put into the games while on a YOGATO (you only get a tribute once which isn't necessarily accurate but shhh high, hoping that people would understand why I loved her so much; and yet I still feel like I owe her a decent post. And sure, I've gotten TOTM once, and there are so many amazing writers on here that I have so much respect that I know I'll never be anywhere near as good as, but it gets to the point where I constantly have to ask myself whether I'm any good at all.

I don't feel like myself on here. Lately, I've gotten better at it, but a lot of times, I still feel like the awkward, shy, and sensitive 13-year old me I used to be when I joined. Sure, I'll always be sensitive, but I'm trying to get shy out of my dictionary. And I'm almost there. But I still backspace half the phrases I type because I don't think anyone will like them or I feel like I'm being too self-centered or I don't know if anyone will understand; and I'm tired of always feeling like that -- like I have something to prove or like I'm not doing anything right. I'm tired of getting down on myself for getting down on myself, and yes, I suck at making friends, but keeping them is an entirely different story. At this point, I'm just hoping I have enough courage to actually post this.

On top of all this, I want to be a music major, which means I have to go freaking practice my butt off a lot more...including right now, so I should be wrapping this up soon.

There's so many of you that I wish I could have gotten the chance to write with and get to know so much better -- so many of you that I silently respect and I just want thank you guys for everything you've done. Roleplaying here was my go-to back in middle school. I'm really grateful for the people who have made me feel at home here, and I would point you guys out right now but I'm too afraid I'll forget to mention someone and honestly, that feeling sucks.

Sorry, I didn't mean to make this a pity post or a “Hang in there, girl!” post because I've been hanging in there for three years and not a lot's changed. Just an honest post.

So, time for me to go change.

Thank you, everyone, and bye~

[Deleted]

Cici it's so sad to see you go! You are such a great writer and you're such a great person. Your posts were really fun to read. Even though it's sad to see yo ugo I know you'll be great in anything that you do! I wish we had the chance to thread together. It's still a shame to see you leave. I wish you find happiness in anything that you do.

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[Tom Hiddelston...jk it's kale.]

YOU ARE ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS I EVER MET. I WILL MISS YOU. Knock those music people off their feat with your graceful notes and melodies.... Also say hi on skype once in a while <333333. You will forever be my friend.

[Lei]

Awww hun, I'm really going to miss you. Dx You're such a friendly, nice person, and you were one of the first people to make me feel welcome on the site. You made a mark on me</3

I've listened to some of your playing on your youtube channel, and, wow, you're super talented, so I know you'll be great. Good luck and good-bye<3333

[gamemaker kelsier]

CICI! I never got the chance to write with you and it's because I am a glacial butt and I don't know I am a robot boop-beep. You were here though when I came, and I am sad to see you leave! Especially since you are a lovely human being and I've always felt at home with you in the c-box. We were never really close friends, but ask morgan or emms or anyone really. I'm bad at being friends with people.

I really help it goes well for you with your music, I really do. One day, I will buy one of your cd's and I will be pleasantly surprised when I recognize your voice. do incredible things, and please! Please believe in yourself! We're all rooting for you!

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[cass]

I can easily say I will miss you to bits. Cici girl, you are the first person I have ever threaded with, you will always be that person that decided to start a thread with little nooby me. And I will never ever stop thinking of you as a friend for doing that. It was the frist time I had ever written and hell it must have taken so much courage for you to do that, I wasn't very good. Yet, I know I can easily say that if you hadn't have done that I would not be where I am today, so for that reason I will love you forever and always talk to you. Let's be honest here, you won't be escaping me, gurrllll, I have you on skype and fb and if you don't talk to me I will walk across the ocean and come and drag you to the computer to talk to me, okay?

I can never thank you enough for putting up with me, you answered everyone of my questions and you were always there to talk to me. Plus you are the only person I have ever let call me Cassie ;D. You are such a talented girl and I love every word of your writing, because you seriously are one of the most amazing writers ever. Please, please do not ever think otherwise, you are such a great writer and you use words so well that I know that one day there will be a book out there with your name scribbled over the top. I can not, and will never let you leave saying that. You are not a bad writer, you are one of the best writers on the site. Do not say that, okay? I don't want to hear that, you are a good writer, please, please believe that. <3333

I have listened to a lot of stuff you have played, and I know you are amazing with music. I know little about that stuff, but I hope that you go to the heights that you deserve and you become famous and amazing and achieve everything that you want to achieve.

You made a massive mark on me. And Kormeya is and will forever be perfect <333

ily and I hope that everything goes perfectly for you and I wish you all the luck in the world. I'm always on skype if you ever want to talk, which you will <333

[k!ah]

C i c i i <///3 I'm going to miss you so much! You have helped me so much over the time that I have known you, you have made me smile and stuff and you are honestly one of the best writers I know! You helped me improve my writing so much, gurl. I loved our thread, well whatever that was, it was like one of the best things to happen to Saskia xDD

Good luck, and don't go changing to much bby -sobs- bye byeee <3333

[Deleted]

Hey Cici,

I don't usually reply to the "going away" threads because people usually come back to visit in a few months or another. However, I'd just like to say that you're great and such a lovely person and quite talented with music! Think about applying to Julliard, Berklee, Oberlin, or Peabody. And then let us know when you get in. (: Have a happy life and good luck!

Saph

[Baby Wessex d9b [earthling]]

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[semper]

Cici ;.; -clings-

I'm really going to miss you <//3 I loved threading with you and I hope you continue to write along side your music <33 you're incredibly good at both and I know you'll be great at whatever you try so don't ever ever ever give up <33 and because inspirational music sayings are the best... always remember:
don't B♯, don't B♭, just B♮ <3

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[jess]

I'll miss you even though I didn't know you very well. I always admired your writing and kinda stalked your threads. Good luck in the big wide world :)