the darkness that you felt ♛ 68th Finale

[rook]

{ p a t r i c i a v a l f i e r n o}
victor of the 68th annual hunger games

god i'm scared to think back
about everything that has come before me
our time and future histories
my I've wandered this library for years now
killing time whilst time slowly killed me

Checkmate.

"That's just fucking fantastic, Patricia." Galaxy manages, her words as cold as her flesh. I hold her soft palm in mine, knowing that she no longer poses a threat to me. I have won, and she is dying. I should feel sad, and full of regret. I should feel like a blood-stained murderer, but I don't. I'm just a girl who took her chances, and did what she had to do. I survived, just like I said I always would. I didn't mean my words to sound malicious, perhaps I was just trying to say that despite this place seeming inescapable and damning at times, there is a way out after all. There always was. But, like I said, she can't come with me. That's not part of the deal.

Yet she probably blames me for this. Like I had a choice. All those morons I have seen in the Games over the year, telling their allies that they always have a choice. You don't. You may think you do, but when someone's coming at you swinging an axe, you really don't. I feel lucky, to be standing where I am. Like every chance and decision went my way, and really I'm just lucky to be alive. Part of me wants to think that I was more cunning and quick than anyone else, but there were a lot of factors that led to this. I can't put it down to any one thing. Maybe Pearl. Maybe.

I lost sight of my goal. When I was thrown into that Training Center all that time ago, I felt like an animal at the zoo. I felt caged. I wanted to fight back, but how can you against such an oppressive regime. I made them my target, not the Tributes. I fought back by cutting their power, and of course they punished me. They gave me a Training Score of Two, practically spat in my face and sent me to my death. But I am very much alive. I tried to crack their code, find a way out of their Arena. Of course there wasn't a way out. I was a fucking idiot to think there was. Like they wouldn't have thought of that. Like they didn't have hundreds of experts who were much, much smarter than me. Naive.

I cast that goal aside, and realised that I couldn't reason with anyone. I couldn't ask them not to fight, and I couldn't get them to see the real enemy. They don't care, no one does. They only care about themselves. So I had to follow suit. My goal became winning. It was the only thing I could do, and I shouldn't be blamed for this. Galaxy would have just as quickly killed me if things were different. Things aren't different, though. Maybe the blame is mine to shoulder. There's no one left to pass it onto.

"I didn't ask for any of this." I mutter, avoiding her gaze. Stop making me a victim, I plead her. Let me be the one who gets to survive, not just physically but mentally to. I have to be able to live with myself, else what's the point, huh? I bite my lower lip, my eyes dropping. I still grip my sword, some part of me still not ready to move on. Not ready to accept that I am a Victor.

"No one asked for this." She says, like I'm a fucking idiot. Like I'm oblivious to the other twenty three children who lost their lives. It hits me then, and I don't know how to respond. Twenty three people died so that I could go on living. No. They didn't die for me, they died for their own causes. Half of them didn't even know me. How can I be so selfish? I try to distract my mind, get it to think of system calls and kernels so that I don't have to look at what's in front of me. I think logically, so I don't have to think like a real person. I struggle to hold back tears, my lower lip starting to quiver. No one asked for this, she's right. No one asked to be thrown to their deaths. I'm doing everything I can to remember to breathe.

"I-I-..." I what? I don't know. Words aren't coming to me. I'm looking for a justification, an excuse, but there isn't one. I know full-well that I don't regret a second of this. So long as I get to keep living, I won't feel guilty or anchored. I'm just looking for some kind of reason for my actions other than my own selfish agenda. But there just isn't. Galaxy laughs, like she read my mind.

"Everything's gotta be about you."

And maybe it does. And maybe that's why I'm going home, and she isn't. Maybe that's why I won the Bloodbath, and forced out Asa, and survived the feast, and killed Cha, and killed Crusader, and fucking killed Galaxy. Maybe that's what makes a Victor. Selfishness. This isn't a fucking team game. I think of Pearl, and every part of me wishes that it was. Then I think of Rose, and I'm glad it's not. My mind is criss-crossed and tied over, but the knot inside my brain holds tight, and I'm not lying broken on the floor like she is. I breathe heavily, watching her eyes trail away, watching her movements become slower. Just die, please. Die so I can go home. Die so I don't have to live in this darkness anymore.

Her hand becomes heavy in mine, and she lets go. Her arm drops to the floor. There is a deathly silence. The lava stops bubbling, and shrinks, like it is cooling rapidly. It hardens into rock, the orange fading. My breathing is all I can hear as the last of the glow vanishes, leaving me in complete darkness. Silence.

BOOM.

Galaxy's cannon fires. More silence. I blink in the darkness, waiting. I'm not sure what for. The fear grips my chest. I should feel relief, but I don't. I am afraid. What if they leave me here? What if they lied? They have to let me out, I've won. I won the Games.

The blackness clings to me, not letting me go. I want to cry. I have been in the dark for so, so long now, and all I was is to get out. That's all I want now. My reward. I want to see my little sister again. I want to hug her and never let her go. I promised to keep her safe when our parents left us.

"What am I going to do now?" She has asked me. I had tried to be strong, put on a mask of arrogance. Like I didn't care that I was going to die. I had to be strong, so she would be too.
"Figure it out."

Now she won't have to. She doesn't have to be alone anymore.

And neither do I.

CRACK.

A deafening sound. Light pours down on me, knocking me over with its intensity. I scramble back on the floor, blinded. A hole in the arena, growing and growing. The cave is hatching, and I will be reborn into the world. A second chance. I laugh with disbelief, my eyes streaming. I have done it. It's over. I look to Galaxy's lifeless body beside me, half expecting her to still be looking at me. I reach over and close her eyelids.

Trumpets blare through into the cave, triumphant music. Happy music, spilling into these blood stained catacombs. There is a lot to be happy about, but I'll take all the pain with me. I'll use it to be strong, so that they didn't die without memory. I'll live my life, because they can't live theirs. I will continue to be selfish, because I wouldn't be here if I wasn't.

A ladder unravels, leading up to the hovercraft that will take me away. I look at it with nothing but euphoria. I think of the age old tale of a man named Jacob. He dreamed of a great ladder that the angels would climb to get to heaven. As I look up into the light, that's all I can see. The gateway. The escape. I hold onto the rung, and grip tightly as it hoists me up into the air, pulling me up to heaven. To home. I swallow hard, my stomach churning over. The reality of what is happening hasn't quite sunk in. They pull me into the hovercraft and I am immediately swarmed by medical staff. They flurry me with questions, none of which make any sense. My eyes dart outside, to where I was being held for all that time. I shiver. I may be going to the promised land, but I will never forget the hell I went through to get there. I know where I was forged. I won't forget a second of my time in that cave.

No, it isn't a cave. I bite my lower lip. It's a tomb, now.

♕ end of the 68th hunger games ♕

but i know
time, time is precious
and time will forget us
and time, time is precious
and time will forget us

word count:, graphics: rook
theme: books by tall ships

THANK YOU

Wow, okay. This feels so surreal and strange. I have a LOT of people to thank for getting me to where I am today. It's been an amazing experience and I could NOT have done it on my own.

Shrimp - A fantastic writer, person and opponent. Thank you for shaping me as a writer and pushing me to write even better than I thought I could. I'm so sorry for everything. You should honestly be so proud of your posts and how far you came.

Python - Who always has my back? Python does. Thank you for being the best ally a guy could ask for. Pearl was an amazing character and hopefully I can do her memory justice.

Nyte - Someone who without, I would not have got as far as I did. Thank you so much for everything you did these Games, and in general.

Elegant - I wish you had gone further than you did, but without you, I wouldn't have survived the first day lmao. I await the day you can return to action, and in the meantime we can thread lots!

Lulu and Aya - For running these Games. An amazing experience as always, thank you so much for the opportunity.

Cato - For being a damn awesome guy, who never complains. A future victor for sure, if you continue progressing the way you are. Thanks for everything.

Pogue - For being there for me, for writing with me and for generally being a good friend. I'm sorry for the way it ended with Cha. I hope you keep going in future Games, because you have such potential as a writer to grow even more.

To everyone who sponsored me - Thank you so much. Sponsorship helps in so many ways.

To everyone else who had Tributes - These Games would not have existed without each of your amazing and unique characters. Thank you for being a part of all this.