the things that haunt us | ☀ + vepar

[[nyte]]

Sun is small. And I guess I forgot that because he is not that much shorter than me and sometimes he is all that I can ever think of. He seems so big and bold in my head, filled with the colors of the rainbow and so devoid of obvious weakness that I just forget that he is small and that he needs to remember how to be a person again. Sometimes the world is too fast and I am left behind and sometimes the world is left in my wake and I am three thousand light years away and I am sorry.

I'm sorry that I cannot be perfect like Venus, that I cannot understand people the way he can. I am sorry that I can be so caught up in myself that I forget the needs of others and I am sorry that I should just die because the world would be a better place if I just opened up my wrists again and the only reason I am still here is because I am a selfish ass-

Breathe. There are fists around my windpipes, panic like acid up my throat and I'm pretty sure that I just might die right here because everything hurts and the world is going to stop turning. I am going to fall off the face of this planet, I am going to be trapped in an oblivion to which there will never be any end. They will tear my skin from my flesh, punish me for the crimes that I must have committed in another life. Perhaps I was something monstrous for the agony that they are putting me through.

But when I open my eyes there is nothing but the Sun in front of me and I cannot see the moon or the stars or anything but him. My friend. And perhaps that is all I will ever be to him but I think that I am okay with that as long as he never looks at me with these eyes so full of fear again. Even if he finds me to be something repulsive I am sure that I need him more than the air in my lungs and the food in my gut.

"Let's just forget this." I mumble and the cracks in my glass words have begun to show, light filtering through the chunks that have fallen to the floor and they slice my neck wide open. There are raindrops on my cheeks, fog in my lungs and I fall to the floor in a heap of bloody cloth. "Sun I just want to forget tonight ever happened."

Because there is blood on my neck, that man's teeth left in the gash he tore into my paper skin. There is a bruise on my cheek and finger marks around my wrists. There is no forgetting that tonight happened, it is stained upon my body. Red and raw and painful and I am falling apart. Torn to shreds. Everything is too much.

It has been so long since I drew a razor across my arms but suddenly my hands are itching. Begging to feel the metal between my fingers and to taste the sharp sting of silver caressing long, deep gashes into my flesh. At least pain so bright is easy to make sense of. It is nothing so muddled, so gray and confusing. Pain like that is easy to ignore but this is like a cancer, a constant growing anguish that I cannot escape. Help me I scream but no one is around to hear. I am trapped within my own mind again and the last time this happened my room ended up so bloody that it soaked into the carpet and made puddles between my toes.

"Forgive me please, Sun. I will make it up you."

Tonight, with a blade and my blood.