Eclipse: A horror story (autobiographical)

[Tori]

A brief summary of my Eclipse adventure:

The night started out like any old trip to the movies. The moment I entered the door, however, I didn't know if I would ever emerge again. It was crowded as hell. And everyone was wearing an eclipse shirt, or they were over 20. We quickly went to our theatre where I claimed the very middle seat in the first row, thank you make believe OCD. Shortly after the 14 seats on my right were filled with Twi-moms and their boyfriends and husbands. I quickly escaped to my doom at the consession stand line where I waited for 45 minutes to get a medium popcorn at which I was charged $5.50 and they didn't even have salt. I returned to my seat. At 12:01am screams erupted from the audience and I promptly responded with,"SHUT UP! THE MOVIE DOESN'T START AT EXACTLY TWELVE!" Dylan grabbed my hand and continued to pat my shoulder in attempt to get me to shut the f*ck up. A few minutes later the screen went dark and the audience erupted again. With which I joined in their yelling,"WOOOO! IT'S THE FREAKING PREVIEWS YOU RETARDS." I cannot stress how disappointed I was that there was in fact NO Harry Potter preview for me to cheer on, and will be writing a strongly worded letter to Stephenie Meyer about this. The movie quickly followed the previews, but you couldn't tell it was the movie because it looked just like the previews. So when the moon came on that read 'Eclipse' everyone started shouting. I tapped my fingernails in response as my lip twitched in disgust. SPOILER ALERT! The movie starts with Edward and Bella kissing in the field. Creative, I know. And moves to going to see Charlie and so on. But to be honest I can't even remember this half of the movie BECAUSE IT WAS INSANELY BORING. So instead I'll tell you about the parts I do remember. I remember the moment Jacob appeared on screen and someone yelled "Holy hell!" And then I laughed. I remember that so much saliva was shared in that movie that I was afraid all the actors would get AIDS. Edward + Bella x49357986. Jacob + Bella x2. Alice + Jasper x2. Riley + Victoria x1. Dear god. I recall the almost sex scene between Bella and Edward and people yelling inappropriate things. Such as "get freaky!", "take it off!", "edward where are you?!", "yeah!!" and my comments of course, "ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!", "Dylan, let go of my hand.". One of my favourite comments about this scene was "She's gonna get pregnant!" Shortly after, Dylan and I spent the next 10 minutes arguing over whether or not it was a girl or guy that said it. By the way, it was a girl. Everytime Jacob came on screen shirtless, screams erupted, I must admit I too was tempted to yell "GET INSIDE ME!" but I have learned to restrain myself in a public place. When Bella was deciding whether or not to marry Edward, only one comment was made, "Bitch better say yes." The woman was black. At one point in the movie, Bella stabs herself and blood rushes out. I remember thinking to myself, "No one bleeds that fast." and also, "please die please die." Here are some random things I noted during the movie: Taylor Lautner has shoulder muscles and big ones, but what is the point of that? Taylor also has an abnormally large belly button. I enjoy the character Alice's choice of earings. Jackson Rathbone's hair has gotten longer and more wavy, I enjoy this fact. Will the Claire De Lune be on every soundtrack? I also must add some of their shaky camera work wanted to make me throw up, I was getting dizzy. At the end of the movie Bella tells Edward that they need to tell Charlie that they're getting married and it's a good thing he's bullet proof. One person started laughing hysterically. it is hear you can point out who read the books and who didn't, because really? That was an exact quote. The movie ended and everyone once again erupted into screams. I joined in adding my own, "WOOO!! IT'S FINALLY OVER! Can we please leave?" I rose from my seat realizing that I had to pee. When I exited theatre number 6 I saw that the bathroom had a long waiting line. The was no way I was going to urinate with twihards, I decided to hold it. My will is strong. This concludes my breif summary of my Eclipse adventure. I know, your astounded that my writing it much better than that of Stephenie Meyer, but I don't want to brag. It you want to know anything else about my adventure, you're welcome to ask. Guess what? I didn't even have to use the word chuckle in my story. Oh shit.

[sapphire]

"GET INSIDE ME"
WTFHROFLMAOWTFIWWY

Meaning: What the f*cking hell, rolling on the floor laughing I my *ss off what the f*ck is wrong with you. :3

[aya]

Those people yelling obnoxious things? That was me and my group of friends... maybe not at your theater, but at ours. "Wait, Jacob, stay..." "SIT!"

[Prince Inigo]

Oh my gosh... What the fudgernutter? xD I can't take total romances seriously unless it's a mixed-genre (like romance-comedy, action-romance). I heard it's an action-romance but...

x80808493 kisses? What. The. Fudgernutter.

Not once did I hear about any fighting. Was there any? If there was, was it good? Was it full of awkward CGI?
I loved your reactions. I can't take yelling/screaming people in real life. So annoying (to me).

[Tori]

Yeah, there was a lot more action than i expected. CGI was definitely better than the previous two movies. So, yeah..

[Deleted]

*applause for lovely and probably true review*

[Jasik]

I have to go see this with my sister later *sulks*

[peanutpie]

I am actually quite excited to see this. Not for the "OMG EDWARD LOVES BELLA" type thing. Think, psycho Vampires. Yes, THATS why they sparkle. Oh, and thats only part of the comment wagon. More when I see it...

[Matt]

-mumbles something about Knight and Day being a better action romance flick- Even though I haven't seen Eclipse, nor do I plan on it, Knight and Day was amazing and I totally just spammed this Eclipse thread with the awesomeness that is Knight and Day and I should definitely stop talking right about now!

[WT]

Knight and Day was adorable and awesome all at once, and I loved it. <3 And no, you're not spamming the Twilight thread with Knight and Day, because it deserves far more talking about than Twilight ever could. *nodnod*

... Although hearing about Tori's reactions was highly amusing. xD Tori, have I ever mentioned that you're awesome?

[Prince Inigo]

Oh, okay. xD Well then, I still can't get over the many numerous kisses that is that number. Even if it is an exaggeration/total truth. ;3

I want to see some good/not awkward CGI and some expensive animatronics, darn it. The good ol' days will never come back. *thinks of Gremlins and Terminator 2* ...Even those movies looked more realistic and they're MUCH older.

*cries*

[semper]

[Skylar]

By the way guys, Edward and Bella's kiss count was at a total of 6, I counted with my friend Shelbi. And you guys.. it really isn't that bad. -cries- Why can't wee all see the non-horribleness that is the Twilight Saga!?

[Matt]

Edge Because if you are a hetero male, THERE ARE NONE!

Now, I decided to post my review, entitled:

The Only Enjoyment I Had Was the Crazy 20 Something Year Old Woman I Was Forced to Sit By

Warning: "OH MY GAWD" is used multiple times in this story, and there may be swear words depending on my mood. Oh, and yes, SUPER MAJOR SPOILERS.

I started off the day already in a bad mood. I was DIS close to defeating the Havoc Skytank (AKA a huge military airship with missiles and many many MANY turrets) on Final Fantasy XIII because I finally figured out you could attack the different turrets first so you could move on to the main part of the airship with less weapons attacking you. May I had I have been trying to defeat this boss for over a month. And then, randomly, my X-Box started glitching. And then it froze. Now I must send my X-Box out to get fixed. Yippee.

There were multiple other factors that contributed to this bad day, but I don't feel like boring you any longer. So, anyway, in order to try to lift my boredom and get me in a better mood, my dad gave my sister money to take my cousin and I to the movies to see "The Last Airbender". I was incredibly psyched to see this, as I love the show so flipping much. But, the theater we had to go to didn't have 3D. So, my sister said we couldn't see "The Last Airbender". I asked her if we could just see it without 3D, and she replied "I want to see it to, and I'm not seeing it without 3D." I'm fairly certain this was a ploy so we would go see Eclipse, as I've never seen her lay eyes on the series. Anyway, my Twi-fan cousin Katlyn was all like "Oo Let's go see Eclipse!" I looked at my sister Val with plead, but she ignored me and said "Oh yeah I want to see that! Matt, go check the showtimes." Reluctantly, I walked into my bedroom feeling defeated.

When I arrived at the movie theater, I was expecting many 11 year old girls screaming, but most of the people were adults, much to my liking at the time. I thought that I would be exempt from annoying screams throughout the crowd. But, no.

There were many seats left in the theater. Too bad the twi-douches had to be bitches about their seats and left 2 seats in between each other. Finally, we found 3 seats in the back row. Trying to get there, I nearly tripped over this ladies purse because it was so damn dark in there! I was looking forward to sitting next to a hot blond, but my sister proceeded to take that seat. Then I wanted the middle seat so I could sit by only people I knew, but my cousin took that seat. And then I was left to sit by an obese redneck who smelled very badly.

So, much to my disappointment, we arrived at the theater when most of the Paranormal Activity 2 trailer had already played. I only saw the part where the baby wasn't in the room, but in the mirror it was standing right in it's crib. Creepy.

And then the magic happened. The only joy that I could cling on to whilst attempting to survive the movie. The trailer for the Deathly Hallows. It's so epic, there are 2 parts to it, meaning two different movies based on 1 book. And it's in 3. Effing. D.

Sadly, the trailer ended and another trailer came on about old retired CIA agents who go back to work or something. And then Eclipse started. Bleh.

The beginning was very, VERY slow. I got bored very quickly. Yeah. And then came the part where Jacob took Bella to see the werewolves. Now, I didn't see New Moon so I was kind of confused at this part. But then Lea turned into a werewolf. Remember the obese redneck I told you about? Yeah, well, he brought his non-redneck very tiny girlfriend.

Whenever Lea turned into a werewolf, she was like "OH MY GOD SHE'S ONE TOO!?!?" And during pretty much every shocking part she would stand up out of her seat and scream "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!" Yay me for sitting near her?

She had the most annoying laugh ever. At the part where Jacob said "I kissed Bella...and she broke her hand....punching me in the face." She laughed so hard she started snorting. Which made me and my cousin laugh nonstop. Thank god everyone else in the theater was laughing to, or that would have been awkward. Even her boyfriend said he couldn't take her anywhere!

I hate Jacob so much. He annoyed the hell out of me. He was all "Bella loves me. She just won't admit it. She's going to choose me, and I will rub it in Edward's face." And I'm like "Shuuuuut the eff up". The only line I particularly enjoyed was "Does he even own a shirt?" because seriously, who goes everywhere without a shirt?

So, I hated Eclipse, and I am looking forward to seeing "The Last Airbender" with my best friend on Monday. That is all.

[Skylar]

Thank you Matt, for the review that I dislike very much because of the anger that it sent towards me. After I get back from Boomland, I will definitely, most DEFINITELY, write my very pleasant review that will make you guys see that the Twilight Saga isn't nearly as bad as everyone makes it out to be. :]