Private Training Stations
Feb 17, 2017 17:20:55 GMT -5
Post by D6f Carmen Cantelou [aza] on Feb 17, 2017 17:20:55 GMT -5
wylla lysander
"No. I'm not going to lose you, baby."Fighting isn't something I haven't always been comfortable with. For years, I thought that fighting was only physical; weapons of war and catastrophe that would only deliver someone to the underworld. I think that it was a mindset inherited from my Mother. Indoctrination through blood would only see me set for failure.
"You don't have to lose me."
"I will, and you know it. If you want to lose yourself, Ophelia, what am I left with?"x
Self-sacrifice has made me realise that the fight is not over when the battle is lost. The coos of ghosts in my ear reminded me that I have no moral compass pointing due north or no inner personality—all that I am is a shell. A childish shell clinging to the life she has left behind. A simple, shell of a girl who has swore she wouldn't tie herself too tight to the things that make her happy, but did anyway.
A juice carton is raised to wishes, to Mum and to the childhood I thought I'd clawed back from the monsters under my bed. Even I can acknowledge that I put up a brave, emotional fight against the Capitol. But haunted teeth sunk into my neck, words like venom trickling into my blood to merge me with the crowd. The line that separated the small girl from the big group was being erased, slowly, but surely.
And who holds the eraser?
She is the one who calls out against every move I make. My self-sacrifice made me realise that it wasn't really self-sacrifice at all, it was an attempt to calm down a war in my mind. The injuries and wounds from the devil on my shoulder would surely be tied up by the Capitol's hands—surely, I'd be fixed.
I'd be sane.
But the voices shout, they scream from within and needles and stitches can only do so much work. I don't want to accept the fact that I'm stuck with more devils on my shoulders than angels, I don't want to have to deal with doubt with every decision that needs to be made. Ghosts mean more voices and the voices lead to confusion.
When I get into that arena, they will be more of a hindrance than a help.
Every moment matters, and there is no time for bad decisions, because bad decisions have bad consequences. They'd show me that good people can do bad things. They'd show me that I'm nothing more than the rest of them: a monster.
I don't want to be a monster.
I want to have hope without having it questioned. A child can have hope, nobody says it has to be childish.
"Wylla Lysander," the walls listen, but still, nobody says I have to be childish.
Childhood—perhaps I've had the wrong end of the stick this whole time.
I swing off the chair and enter through the tall doors into the training room. A quick glance back at the remnants of people who long to find their glory and my body and mind feels heavy like stone. My feet thud against the metallic floor, echoing around the room that is large enough to consume a small girl.
The floor is thick with the sweat of past tributes. I can see a reflection of myself that is haunted and touched by the supernatural. Wearing a sweater knitted from courage and self-belief, I am reminded that bravery started with self-sacrifice.
Mum didn't like it because she realised that I'd be giving her up.
A small girl in a large room; that is exactly what I'm going to do.
Tiptoeing over to a rack of bladed weaponry, I do not dare to look at the eyes in the sky. She is a cricket and I am nothing but fruit, seeds, leaves, nectar and the decaying pieces of dead animals. The predator to my prey, I push my lips together and keep my head in my own game; I have to concentrate, play my own game, and not be afraid to win it.
A knife dances between my fingertips, my eyes falling to my reflection in the floor. I'm not going to become a monster, I'm not going to succumb to my ghosts.
I need to get them out of my hair.
A feather right hand holds up brown locks of hair, an iron left saws away. Hair falls like hail around me, obscuring the fractured image of myself on the floor.
Mum is screaming; she's pained and hurt. Her heart aches because she feels like she is losing the daughter she raised better than this, but she's just another barrier I have to overcome. I need to remove her from my narrative. She is the one who questions all I do. The injuries and wounds from the devil on my shoulder were not fixed by the Capitol. I'm forced to fix them myself.
I run a hand over my head; dull and coarse like straw. It's perfect, I think to myself.
But she's still here.
Cracked knees creak as I bend to pick up my old self; in between my fingers are the fibres that held ghosts captive and made me my own prisoner. I frown, Mum's voice is distant and far but still audible. Hands turn to claws as I tighten my grip on the hair.
One second, two. A deep breath in and I try to compose myself; I wander over to the fire-making station, creating a line of coals. Beneath them is a bed of kindling, I throw the hair beneath the small bundle of wood, kissing goodbye to the Mother I knew, once and for all. Flint and steel in my hands, I channel my efforts into making a spark.
It blinks, twice, thrice, four times, until eventually, it all burns. The coals emit a roasting heat and turn red at the edges, but I do not cower in fear. I slip off my shoes, wearing an expressionless face as I look down to the arising hell.
I remind myself of the predator's diamond words; I tell myself that I am a legend of my own making, not a mistake of chance. I repeat the words aloud.
"A legend of my own making, not a mistake of chance. A legend of my own making, not a mistake of chance." I wait for the words to cut deep into my head. Trembling white knuckles from clenching my fist too hard, gritted teeth in an attempt to keep my hope; I straighten out into a silhouette like slicing, potent acid. Red with suppressed rage from the battle within, when I listen to the demands of my Mother, I do it—I walk across the coals to turn my demons to ash.
A squeal in my ear and then it bursts, filling with—silence. It's empty, for once, and there isn't any competition for attention from Mum or the other ghosts. There is my own angel and my own devil on my shoulder; no more chills in the air, shimmer of mist, diffuse.
My gaze flickers to the eyes in the sky. The greying old hag and the Capitol's dream do not make my flinch any more; in the frozen second between them and I, my face is unreadable. Cowardice is drained and there is no invitational smirk.
Mum was scared that she would lose me, but in the end, I lost her. She should have realised that when it comes to fighting, there is no honour or code. All that matters is yourself; I was not ready to give up the little strength I had in favour of my ghosts.
Bravery starts with self-sacrifice and I've sacrificed a lot more than myself, now.
And because of it, I think I might have just saved myself. These wings I am spreading do not define me as a monster; they are a token of my rugged individualism, showing that I am independent from those who desire to sew me to their skin.
And I get it; fighting isn't something you are meant to be comfortable with, but you have to force yourself to get used to it. Whether it is emotional or physical; everyone bears arms of war that are capable of seeping through the bloodstream to the bone. The one thing they will never compromise is the titanium child inside who promises to keep going.
Warmth within; I bend down, picking up my shoes before turning back to the Gamesmakers.
"I'm ready now," I tell them, tilting my head up to them. "I'm ready to kill. I'm ready to be yours."
I give half a smile, staring up to them, before turning on my heels and leaving.
Fighting isn't something I haven't always been comfortable with, but it's something I'll force myself to get used to. I shift my head over my shoulder, looking to the untouched weapons which failed to make the cut in my training session. Swords and axes, javelins and spears; they are alone in their death.
Weapons, schmeapons—who needs one when you are one?
x
"You're left with a fighter. I can't crawl back into your womb, Mum, one day, I'll have to fight. Don't you get that?"
"Over my dead body will you fight, you little madam. You are to me as the moon is to the night."
"Fine."
"Over your dead body it is then."
ɹǝpuɐsʎן ɐןןʎʍ