stars in the sky; sidney

[charade]

i s a b e l l e .

I love my sister, she's the best.
She's cooler than any other girl that I have ever met.
She had the greatest band, she had the greatest guy.
She's good at everything and doesn't even try.

I watch everybody. There’s not much else for me to do when we’re not training. Nobody’s my age. But probably I like watching Elizabeth the most. Elizabeth looks sad when she thinks no one is looking. When she’s not being cool in front of everyone. Like, she walks around like a statue except when she doesn’t. I don’t know how she does it. Sometimes she’ll look really happy but then her face goes through a blender and she looks so mad that she could cut off someone’s head.

That doesn’t happen very often in the reruns but when it does its scary. I think Mr.Strauss thinks it’s cool and wants us to think it’s cool too. But I don’t think I’d like looking at my body from the ground. I bet chopping off heads doesn’t scare Elizabeth. She doesn’t seem like anything bothers her. Well, maybe she’s bothered when the adults don’t approve. I bet I could learn a lot from her. She’s one of the old kids, but not old like the adults. She doesn’t have any grey hair, but I think Octavia has one or two.

I would never tell Mrs. Strauss that though, I think she might eat me.

I got adopted almost three years ago, when that tiny dope from eleven won the games. I was nine. The adults say that all of them victors from the lower districts were lucky and the careers in their games were idiots. I think they’re right. Training is hard and a lot of those poor people don’t even have places to train. I bet the careers in those games were dumb cause they didn’t keep their focus. I know that’s the most important thing. Elizabeth always seems focused. Even when she’s not doing anything. Like right now she’s getting a weapon to smack a dummy around with.

An actual dummy, not a dummy like Meredith.

So I follow her and try to copy the way she’s walking. It’s really hard though. I think it’s because her hips are way bigger than mine. I watch her for a few minutes before grabbing a sword off the rack and whacking the dummy next to hers. It’s hard and I need to hold the hilt with both hands to swing it right and it’s only a machete. Good thing Mr.Strauss isn’t here right now. He’d tell me my form is off or something but I don’t know because I’m just trying to copy Elizabeth’s stance.

"HUA!" I say, smacking the dummies arm as hard as I can.

Oh-oh. It bounced off and I let go. Good thing it didn't spin into Elizabeth.

"Oops."

[sidney]

L I Z A

It's interesting to have a shadow.

I saw her earlier this morning when she followed me down the stairs for breakfast, keeping at least fifteen feet behind me. She thought I wouldn't notice, I'm sure but if I've learned anything since I moved into this strange house—very close to the same age as Isabelle is now, ironically—it's to always keep my eyes peeled. You know that saying? Sleep with one eye open. It's been drilled into my head so many times, wholly of my own volition, that it's begun to bleed into my waking hours.

At any given time, I am always aware. Always on guard. This is a home filled with killers, after all.  You can't ever be too careful.

She thought I wouldn't notice, but I do.

This new little shadow follows me outside when I go for my daily run. It trails behind me as I return for a shower and ready myself for daily chores. It scurries quickly down the stairs behind me toward the training room, clearly eager to see what it is I'll do next. Who would have thought someone would find me so enthralling? A part of me is almost endeared. Watching her out of the corner of my eye trying to be inconspicuous almost brings a smile to my face. It's a childlike wonder she peers at me with, like I'm some magnificent creature she's never seen before and therefore must study intently at any given moment. If I didn't know any better, I'd think she's even taking notes on everything I do. In fact, I suspect as much as I make my way across the training room and catch her trying to copy my movements as I walk in the wall of mirrors on the other side of the room. 

But still I ask myself: why?

My first, albeit slightly self-obsessed, thought is that she looks up to me. And that fleeting theory hangs like lead in the pit of my stomach. It makes my eyes sting and my throat close up, even as I try to solely focus on what I'm doing; on pinning up my long chestnut hair before picking up two of my favorite daggers from the weapon rack. But I can still see her in the mirror, eyes glued to me and my every step. Ripred, Isabelle shouldn't want such a thing—to be like me. 

I'm a fucking mess.

I flip the handles of the daggers around in my palm, charging at full-speed toward the nearest dummy and sink both blades deep into its fake, padded chest with a feral screech. She mimics me exactly—grabbing a sword instead—and picks the dummy right beside mine, of course. She swings, letting out a similar, though much less feral yelp, but then I hear an oops to my left and wince instinctively as the far too large sword makes an impact but bounces right off, landing a few feet away from me.

I sigh heavily, but try to mask my mild annoyance at her presence as best I can. It's not that she's followed me around all day, and it's not that she's copied everything I've done, but I just hate the fact that she's looking to me for guidance. I hate the fact that this shadow is a metaphor I truly do not want to face. But mostly I hate the fact that she's the most adorable little girl I've ever seen and the moment I let down my walls and invite her in, I could very well have to kill her. 

"That's a little too big for you, squirt," I crack a smile at her through the mirror and fold the hilt of the dagger over in my hand a few times before walking over to her and bending at the knee so we're eye level. I push it forward and raise my brows in her direction. "Maybe something a bit more your size."

[charade]

i s a b e l l e .

I love my sister, she's the best.
She's cooler than any other girl that I have ever met.
She had the greatest band, she had the greatest guy.
She's good at everything and doesn't even try.

Oh-oh.

I’m sure glad she didn’t notice me following her since breakfast but that was because I was being quiet and dropping a sword is pretty loud. At first I think she’s mad at me for dropping the sword and making noise. A lot of people hate distractions. Oh-oh, she sighed, that usually means people are boring and in the way. She calls me squirt which is a lot better than hey you get out of the way or move. And If I didn’t think she could any cooler she is! Wow, I wish I knew how to fold a knife over and over like that.

And she’s handing it to me! “Maybe something a bit more your size.” I bet some of the kids would get upset at being called small but not me. I know I’m small. And Victor said knives were better for me anyhow so this just proves it! I take the dagger and turn it over in my hand, smiling. I haven’t gotten a present since my eighth birthday in the orphanage and that was just a cupcake. “Thanks Elizabeth!”

I start to walk over to the dummy but there’s something I’m not doing right. If I’m gonna stab it like her I haveta do it the same way. Oh boy oh boy I know! I take the scrunchie off of my wrist and use it to tie my hair up like her. Her hair’s really, really long like a princess so I don’t look exactly the same, but I think I look cool. There’s not a whole lot of cool kids in this house, but maybe one day I can be one of them like Elizabeth.

See, there’s dummies like Meredith and Finn and Agnes but then there’s also cool kids like Elizabeth and Declan and Elijah and Fiona but then there’s kids in the middle like me and Beau and Ruth.

Linus and Tobias are just weirdos so I don’t know where they go. I think I heard someone say they hope Tobias falls in the garbage and gets thrown away. That’s funny. I can’t remember who said that though. Maybe it was Ruth? I bet Tobias was making fun of the bags under her eyes again and said that her heart was gonna explode drinking too much coffee.

Maybe? I don’t think it was Elijah. He’s really serious but he has the coolest posters. A whole lot of victor posters. I need one too. Maybe one of Ridley Le Roux. I know she’s a lame district one victor but Cricket’s kind of scary because I’ve seen videos of her bending like a snake and I don’t think you’re supposed to do that.

One time I tried to twist my arm like her and it hurt to turn it that way. Also she’s got a pet tiger and on one talk show they said they bet Cricket would have fed her third husband to it if she’d ever gotten married but that didn’t make any sense to me except for the part about feeding people to her tiger. Maybe that’s why her tributes always die, they were afraid that if they won they’d come back and get eaten so they get killed on purpose.

Anyway I like the way my hair sits up like Elizabeth's. Maybe one day when Octavia dies of old age in a month or two then Elizabeth will be the new queen and then I can be the new princess.

Now I’m ready to smack a dummy.

“Raah!” This time when I charge I don’t bounce off, the dagger sticks in the dummies stomach. I almost jump for joy because Elizabeth just helped me but I don’t cause I think that’s showing too much feeling and Victor doesn’t like that. So I grin instead and pull it back out. “You’re the best!” I say. “Sometimes I think I get in the way and then people are mad at me.” And then I look at the dummy she was practicing on again.

“That was cool, what you did with two daggers,” I say with a smile. I wanna ask her if she killed Sarah with two knives, but I don’t know, I never met Sarah, she died before I was adopted and I don’t want to make her mad cause a lot of times Meredith gets upset about Annabelle and I don’t know who was friends with Sarah. “I bet you’d be a victor like Cricket and Julian but be cooler because they don’t do anything but fail and maybe feed people to Cricket’s tiger.”