fearless thoughts [abel/hook] jb thread

[kap]

H O O K
O ' M A L L E Y

I'm meant to be the strong one. Had Prop gone into the Games after being reaped, it would've been a really tough thing to do, just like it was with Six. With Abel volunteering, however? I don't know, for some reason, my heart didn't care as much as it would have if it were one of my siblings rather than my cousin. I wasn't close with my cousins much at all, really. I mean, I'm not soulless and dead inside: I still care about my cousins, so I still cared when Abel volunteered. I felt a pain in my chest that told me it wasn't okay for him to go into the Hunger Games, either, but for some reason, part of me said it was better than it being Prop.

Prop's my brother. I'm much closer with him than I am with Abel. The thing is, I'm not an emotionless individual, no matter how tough I try to seem for Fly and the others. I still care about Abel, and I won't act like I don't. I won't cry, but I won't just stand by and act like everything's fine, either. So, I decided that I needed to visit him. I needed to go to Abel in the Justice Building after the reaping and say goodbye to him.

I hadn't wronged him in any way, so it wasn't like I had to apologize. I just wanted him to know that at least one of us cared about the fact that he had volunteered to go into the upcoming Hunger Games and was going to go fight to the death with a bunch of other teenagers. I wasn't going to be all mushy gushy about it, either, though. I didn't want to seem like I was overly emotional about any of it, because I wasn't super heartbroken, but I still was at least a little bit. I wasn't immune to the pain of a family member potentially dying.

I'll admit, I'm not as worried about Abel as I was about Six, because Abel just seems... stronger. That in no way is meant to be degrading of Six. They're just built differently from one another. Maybe that's why I didn't get as emotional about my cousin as I did about my brother. It's not an attachment thing, it's a confidence thing. Normally, I would've had a lot of confidence in Prop, too, but right now, his leg is broken, so that means that of he and Abel, Abel probably has the better chance.

When I walk into the room, I look at Abel and nod gently.

"What made you do it?" I ask. It's a simple question. I just want to know why he decided to volunteer for Prop. Was it out of familial love? Was it because he wanted to go into the Games? Was it a desperate cry for attention? Was it to prove he was better than his brother or his cousins? I just wanted to know what exactly crossed his mind when he made that split-second decision.

Was it even a split-second decision, or was he planning on volunteering regardless of who was reaped? I couldn't really get an answer to that unless I asked him the question, right? So, that's why I asked. Curiosity. Perhaps a morbid curiosity, but a curiosity nonetheless.

[549 words]
[@icyhot ]

[Deleted]

After I finished dealing with Prop, when I heard more footsteps I hoped it was Cain. Or Ma. Or Pa. They hadn't come to see me yet, but they had to, right? They were all going to come and say goodbye to me. I knew they were. Pa wasn't always the most doting father, but he had to be impressed I volunteered. And Cain, we spend so much time together. There's no way he wouldn't show up. But to my disappointment it was just another cousin.

Of course seeing Hook made me feel important to her, it was a nice feeling. But it hurt seeing two cousins before seeing a single member of my immediate family. I just told myself that they'd come eventually. That I didn't need to be upset. That even if they forgot about me I had to stay strong. I had to prove them wrong if that was the case. No matter how much it would hurt. But that was the worst case scenario.

She gave me a gentle nod and then asked the one question I dreaded. It was the same question Prop had asked me. It was the question I was asking myself. The question I didn't have a straight answer to. The question I would surely face a million times over until the Games ended with me as the Victor or I died. I needed to find an answer to the question eventually, but for now I just shrugged.

Truth be told, I didn't even realise what I said until all of Eleven was staring at me and I was up in front. I have three theories about why I did it, but I don't know which is the right one. I think it might be a mix of all of them. My first theory is I didn't want Prop to die. I may not like him, but of course I love him. Hate the sin, love the sinner. He had a broken leg and would surely die if he had to participate. I was just helping a family member.

My second theory was similar. I wanted to break the chain before it had a chance to start. I had a feeling that if Prop was in the Games he'd face the same fate as Six. Then the next year it would be another one of my cousins. And then the same the year after that. By volunteering, part of me hoped I stopped the pattern before it started. That pattern was chosen by God, and I was chosen by God to end it by winning.

The third theory was I just wanted to prove myself to Cain and Pa. I might never be a Peacekeeper like them. I'll never be as strong as Cain or as fearsome as Pa. I'm just built different from them. But, maybe I could carve my own path without forsaking our chosen roles as O'Malleys. Victors can't become Peacekeepers, so maybe this is God directing me to a different role. A role Pa and Cain can still be proud of. Even if I don't see them here today.

Part of me feared, despite it being a mix, it was mainly the last two. But, I wasn't going to tell Hook that. And this was far too much to explain. I was often the quieter one out of Cain and I, so I saw no reason to change that now. I owed her no explanation. I owed Prop no explanation. They aren't in charge of me. And that's exactly what I was going to tell her.

"Does it matter why, Hook? What's done is done, it's as simple as that. Is that the only reason why you came? When you were waiting to come in did you see Cain? Or Pa? Did you see Cain leave the square?"

I answered her question, even if it wasn't an answer she wanted, so now she needed to answer mine. I didn't want to seem desperate. But I refused to believe they weren't coming to see me. Of course, I wasn't just going to dwell on them. But... fuck if Cain was in my place I would have made sure I was first in line to see him. I'd push Hook and Prop the fuck out of the way to see him. Why wasn't he doing the same for me? I tried to hide the hurt in my voice when I questioned my cousin.

[ table by kaitlin ]

[kap]

H O O K
O ' M A L L E Y

If I am being totally and completely honest, this kid— Abel— is more of a pain in the ass then I remember him being. Fair enough, though, I suppose. He did just agree to put his life on the line in place of his cousin. I suppose offering him pity would make sense, but I know no one really wants that. Or at least, I wouldn't want that. Instead, perhaps I should be tough with him. Does that seem like the right thing to do? Actually, no, not really, I suppose. He seems more the time to meet something like that with a response full of aggression.

He snaps back at me when I question his motives. He asks if it matters why he volunteered, and I suppose, deep down, I know it doesn't really matter. He did it, and what's done is done. Abel made his choice, and reason for it, I guess, is really none of my damn business if I'm being absolutely truthful with myself.

Sometimes it's hard for me to tell myself to stop pushing a topic when I need to, but I know that now is one of the times that I really need to cut it out and leave him be in regards to the question I'd asked him. Abel's probably stressed enough already, and besides, he was probably just doing it to save Prop, even if that's not something I was initially so sure of. I guess it makes more sense now. He's super religious, so maybe he thought it was God's calling or some shit like that, I don't fucking know. Most of my family is super religious, and it wouldn't surprise me with how intense he seems to be with shit like that.

He asked if I saw Cain when I was waiting to come in. He wanted to know about his father, too. Was this just him being snippy towards me and testing my observation skills, or were these genuine questions? I honestly wasn't sure, which I suppose in and of itself is a test of my observation skills that I clearly failed.

"Alright, fair enough. I shouldn't have asked," I tell him. "and no, I didn't see Cain, or your father. Although to be completely blunt with you, I wasn't looking for them. I came here to speak to you, and figured that if they had the same desire, they'd do it too. I guess I just got here before them. I'm sorry if that offends you."

I move my hair out of my face.

"I'm not here to congratulate you or thank you or whatever that shit is that you want. I'm here to tell you that you damn well better try your hardest. Make Prop proud of you. Not me. You can't really make me proud, but do something that would make the cousin whose life you saved proud of you for it, and make him the one who's thankful."

I pause for a moment.

"As for you and I? I think you can see where we stand. I'm not mad at you, but I'm not going to grovel on the floor and start thanking you for what you've done. That's not how I do things. Yes, I'm glad that Prop doesn't have to potentially face the same fate as Six, but that doesn't mean I'm going to revere you as some sort of king if you come back alive. It doesn't mean I'm going to mourn you any harder than I would have mourned him if you wind up dead, either." I look him in the eyes. "So, I know you don't seem to like people questioning what you do or really questioning anything about you, but I am going to ask you one more thing and I want you to answer this one for me."

I cross my arms.

"Do you think you'll survive in that arena, truthfully, or do you think you're going to die?"

I swear, if this kid says something like "God will guide me back home" I'll have to resist the urge to punch him square in the jaw.

[677 words]
[@icyhot ]

[Deleted]

Boy Hook could sure talk. And talk. And talk, talk, talk. Does this thing have a mute button? Like I love her, but sometimes she needs to slow down. Or learn to be quiet every once in a while.

She didn't seem to like how I answered her question. Which, maybe it came off wrong. But I just wanted to shut down that line of questioning. I had to stay calm, and whenever I tried to figure out why I volunteered I started to panic. I couldn't panic, I refused panicking under any circumstances. At the very least, I wanted to appear calm, appear strong. I wanted to look like someone who knew what they were doing, not the scared little boy from Eleven we had last year.

It was hard to hide my disappointment when she said she didn't see Pa or Cain. I frowned and let out a small, "oh". Maybe they just weren't here yet, or she missed them. They wouldn't have forgotten to say goodbye to me. Not after all the work that Pa put into making sure his sons could defend themselves. Not after how much time I've spent with Cain. They'd be coming, I was sure of it.

Yet the thought of them not coming? I felt a pang in my chest. Maybe I was doing this for them rather than me. And that was the worst part of it. I was doing this for them, even if only slightly for them, and they weren't here right now. They'd be here, I told myself. I just needed to keep reminding myself that the two of them were going to be showing up sooner or later. Wow is Hook still talking?

Why did she think I wanted her of all people to be proud of me? She wasn't even a thought in my mind when I volunteered, no offense to her. Prop was on my mind, but so were Cain and Pa. Six was in there too, but that was inevitable. He was in my mind before Prop's name was even called out. He'd probably be on all of the O'Malley's minds every reaping of our lives from the 88th onwards. Would I join him there? Or would I be watching as a victor?

She asked me another question, but frankly I didn't care. I volunteered to save her brother and these are thanks I get from her? Getting a lecture in the Justice Building? I could see Cain lecturing me, but he was my older brother. It was different with him. And honestly, her doing that sort of pissed me off. And the feeling of anger was preferred to feeling panicked, so I went with it.

"You sure like to assume stuff, don't you? You and Prop aren't who I'm trying to make proud. I never asked you to grovel, I never even asked you to mourn me. You aren't who I did this for. And to answer your question, I wouldn't throw my life away for Prop. If I had any doubt I'd live, I wouldn't have died. Six was a sinner, your whole side of the family are facing a divine retribution. That's why he died and why I won't. I love you Hook, but I wouldn't die for you. I love Prop and Six, but I won't throw away everything for them."

I didn't realise what my little monologue did. It answered her first question I tried so hard to avoid. You and Prop aren't who I'm trying to make proud. Was this all really just for Pa and Cain? It made sense, but I didn't even realise I said it. So I didn't have time to think about it or dwell on it. I shouldn't have let my annoyance get the best of me. I shouldn't have said what I said. But, the words are already out there, and I refuse to take them back.

[ table by kaitlin ]