that's rough buddy /flynn + av

[gamemaker kelsier]

a v r i e l .

"You are a rose
in the field where
the wolves walk"

Gloria stops yelling after me by the time I make it to the third floor but her words still echo in my ears.

"You're a waste!" (waste, waste, waste.)

"I could have had Fleur!" (fleur, fleur, fleur.)

It's not like I didn't know how Gloria feels about me so I pretend that I don't care. But I don't care. I don't want the limelight, the cameras and the crowds. I want to see Flynn and make sure the poor kid isn't blaming himself for Aurora and Jack. He's got to know by now right?

The thought stops me on the landing between the fourth and fifth floor. My hand finds the wall and I bend at the knees, catching my breath. Sort of stupid. Sort of stupid how I can recognize that losing Jack and Aurora isn't Flynn's fault but I blame myself for everyone I've lost.

If Zane or Aneesa die, am I going to remember that?

I pull away again and pull myself up to the fifth floor. The bloodbath is still playing on the landing televisions and I catch glimpses of it as I go. Most kids have left by now but Zane's still there, having a stand off with two careers. I can't decide if he's brave or an idiot and I'm leaning towards idiot when he turns around and runs.

Good.

Though I don't care. He can do what he wants.

I step onto floor six, beelining for the Victor quarters when I see someone huddled at the end of the hall sitting right up against the floor to ceiling window. The person's too small to be anyone but Flynn.

My stomach flips as I get closer, the imposter syndrome always hits hard when I get near another victor but with Flynn it's always been a little different. I care about the kid, a lot. He's got something good in him, a brightness that reminds me of Duke and it hurts to see him hurting.

There's a vending machine on my way to him so I hand Scout a few bucks. "You can get the neon gummy worms," I whisper. They're Scout's favourite and I think Flynn'll like them too.

I slow down as I get closer, I didn't think about this part. I already know that he must be feeling like shit so I don't want to ask him how he is. I don't want to help hurt him I just want to be here for him. So I just sit down against the opposite wall and give him a moment to collect himself.

"Shit luck, man," I say after a moment and my tone makes me wince. I don't know why I thought this would be a good idea, I've never been good with these kinds of things.

"You wanna tell me about them?" I ask.

[d6a georgie cham 🍓🐢 frankel]

FLYNN GARNER
YEAR OF THE 89TH

Its so high up from here. I wonder what the view is like from the rooftop, I have been told it is a popular spot for the tributes to escape too. I never thought to escape the training centre when I was a tribute. Maybe I should have. Maybe I wouldn’t be here right now, looking down at the specks of lights and the lack of bodies moving around because I know exactly what they are all doing right now.

Looking at her. Replaying the moment that the District Two took her. Probably cheering about it too. And Jack too. Someone will have put money on their lives. Star has probably changed her dress too and resumed finishing that bottle of wine without another thought.

None of them are real. There is nothing inside of them. Just hollow vessels without a thought.

My forehead rests against the glass, I can see a part of my reflection because of all the lights. The tears are not stopping. My cheeks are just as red as the wine stain and those eyes do not look like mine.

Maybe I can go home now. But Aurora’s parents. They will be cursing my name. I did this to her. If we hadn’t gotten into that detention two years ago, she would have never volunteered. If I never went back to school and acted like a normal victor, I would never have met her. There is only one person to blame.

There is someone behind me, likely Star asking for an apology or Teddy with some bullshit words of comfort. ”Just leave me alone.” I don’t even tear my eyes from the glass to acknowledge whoever it is but their voice definitely does not match anyone that lives and works on this floor.

”Just go, Avriel.” We are not in Dale’s family diner anymore, though is the newest victor really the only one that has bothered to care? Star has probably summoned a band of peacekeepers my way, I would not put it past her. Teddy won’t have protested to it either.

I look away from the dead Capitol streets down below, but the new view is just as bizarre. The little creature thing from Avriel’s arena is pressing buttons on the vending machine down the hall. At least he still has a friend by his side.

”Why do people volunteer for this?” I am a hypocrite for asking that, ”Aurora is my best friend, she volunteered because of me!” The burning tears return with a break in my voice, I try to hide them by looking back at the window but Flynn Garner having a breakdown is nothing new.

[gamemaker kelsier]

a v r i e l .

"You are a rose
in the field where
the wolves walk"

"Just go, Avriel."

He's saying that but I don't think he really wants to be alone, so I don't move. It's just easier to sit there sad as hell, blaming yourself. It feels good to direct all that hopelessness, all that hatred at something and directing it inwards feels like a victimless crime.

But it's not, I should know, it's not. I never want anyone to feel the way that I do every day and if I can help Flynn at all with this, I will. So I sit there, being a stubborn asshole and I wait for Flynn to speak.

Scout finally makes it over with the candy so I rip the bag open and place it down between us. A burger from Dale's would probably be far more comforting, but this is all I've got here. Scout's happy about it anyway, it holds a neon worm above it's head proudly for a moment like a hunting trophy.

Flynn is doing just what I thought he would, blaming himself for Aurora's choices and it's funny how hypocritical I am. I see these patterns in Flynn but I refuse to recognize them in myself. It pisses me off, I want to reach out and shake him, wake him up.

And I never thought I'd have this, a kid like Flynn who knows better than me, who should be mentoring me, but we're on equal footing. It's kind of like how things were with Areto, we both knew she was better than me but in the end, that never mattered, we were friends.

Is Flynn my friend? I don't really know. We met one time for burgers and I decided that he was all on my own. Thing is, I don't really want friends but I guess I do need them.

I want to comfort him, but I don't know Flynn well enough yet to know what he likes to hear when he's sad. I stare across the hall at him, waiting for some sort of signal as to what to say but there isn't one.

"You really that full of yourself?" I ask. I watch him, trying to gauge his reaction to see if I've gotten comforting right. Probably not, "The world doesn't revolve around you Flynn, Aurora had her reasons. Maybe you were one, but I bet not all of them."

I push the bag of gummy worms closer with one foot. Whatever, I'm shit at this anyway. Flynn is probably going to punch me for the way I'm talking to him but I just wish I had someone who'd do this for me. I usually get the opposite.

People love reminding me of what I've done.

Flynn's crying and I feel a prickle in the back of my own eyes. I hate seeing him like this.

"Aurora was strong, it was just bad luck," I say, "Besides, wouldn't she be pissed if she knew you were talking like this?"

[d6a georgie cham 🍓🐢 frankel]

FLYNN GARNER
YEAR OF THE 89TH

I am not left alone. Maybe it’s a good thing. I don’t know. I don’t know what I need right now or what I am meant to do. All I know is that I cannot keep doing this every year. From Robin to Aurora and then who will be next? My sisters? Anyone from the club? There are still so many more years to come when people close to me will be at risk. Even if they are not stupid enough to volunteer for this.

How am I meant to continue doing this? I know it is meant to be punishment but I want to give up now.

Nobody knows how to help me. They can’t. I can’t turn into a drunk or an emotionless victor like all the rest. No.

"You really that full of yourself?"

”What?” I snap, that question is really uncalled for.

I know that I am already in deep shit for assaulting the escort but adding a victor to the list is just going to draw out a possible detention center sentence and that is not a place I want too ever be. Why is he even here? We just met on an obligatory meet and greet, maybe the Dixon burgers are just that good or maybe he is the only person in this damned building that gives a shit. Unlike that old man I share a street with.

Finally, I pull my gaze from the window, looking directly at Avriel who sits on the floor with a pile of candy in front of him. Thinking about eating anything right now makes my stomach turn, just as much as the words that barf out of the newer victor’s mouth. ”You don’t know how this feels yet Avriel, you still have this to come. Every damn year!”

My fists clench and the one nearest the window hits the glass. There is no damage, just a likely bruised knuckle and a mind that is crippled by this heavy bout of emotions. Its what I deserve. ”Yes, she was strong but none of that was bad luck. She was outnumbered…by careers! The kids that are trained for this, that want to be here. She was just their training dummy to them!” Now the tears show their faces again. Avriel has me trapped against the window. There is nowhere for me to run and have another meltdown alone.

That might be a good thing.

”It just hurts all of this, I have no control over anything.” My fingertips rub my eyes, trying to dam the flood works and finally dry out my cheeks. ”Why did you even come here, to me?”

[gamemaker kelsier]

a v r i e l .

"You are a rose
in the field where
the wolves walk"

I'm pretty shit at this kind of thing.

Billie said sometimes it helps to think about how I'd feel in a particular situation to help me understand the other person but that isn't working here. Flynn's isn't me, he doesn't react like me. That's all expected but still frustrating. I don't know him all that well, I just know he's different than so many of the other victors.

He's a kid and he has hope, the rest of us don't.

I'm fucked in the head because when Zane and Aneesa's names got called, I only felt acceptance. I don't watch Zane and Aneesa and chew my lip raw, wondering. Yeah, I'm worried I guess, but it's not that deep. They've been impermanent to me since the reaping.

I guess that makes me a freak.

I push that thought away and lean my forehead against the window. The plaza in front of the training centre is crawling with people, all celebrating the start of the games. To them, this week is just one giant party. If there's anyone to blame, it's them.

Complacency is just as bad, right?

Flynn tries to make eye contact with me and I want to help him, I swear, but I drop my gaze away from his. There's a nervousness in that I've never quite figured out. Sometimes I stare too steady, other times I can't look at all, it depends on how I'm feeling and right now? Not so good.

I can take venom, people like to lay it on thick for me. It's knowing I've done something wrong that gets me. I can tell by Flynn's tone that my approach didn't work, but in Nine, tough love always works.

Flynn has a lot to say and some of it's shit I've heard once or twice already. 'You don't know how this feels.' That's been at the top of the list all year, victors telling me I've got shit coming my way and I don't know anything.

And I don't tell them my parents have been missing two years now except I know where their bodies are buried. I don't tell them about the dark and the fire and Areto's hands on mine, pushing the blade slowly into her stomach. Those are my things I carry, but I don't tell Flynn he doesn't know how they feel. I'm resigned to the fact that no one else ever will, kind of grateful for that too.

What am I doing here?

I shut my eyes for a brief second, my heart is racing, even though I'm sitting still. I can hear it beating in my head. I was nervous this morning about being on stage but this is worse somehow. I should leave, my brain is telling me it's time to escape but my heart, uselessly too kind, keeps me rooted to the spot.

"I dunno," I finally say into the silence that came after Flynn's talking, "I'm shit at these kinds of things in case you didn't notice, I just didn't think you should be alone."

Maybe it's too simple but that's only because it's pretty honest. I bite the head off of a gummy worm and turn my gaze away again. The kid's crying and I don't want him to feel too... looked at I guess. I don't like being seen, I assume he doesn't either.

"Y'know, I didn't win the games with my charm, Flynn," I say, "I'm sorry I made you feel worse."

I do mean that, even if it's come out rough sounding. I'm from Nine, after all. We don't do soft shit. I let that be my excuse. "I can go if you want," I say, "But you can yell at me more first if it helps."

[d6a georgie cham 🍓🐢 frankel]

FLYNN GARNER
YEAR OF THE 89TH

As soon as I returned home the first time, I was put straight into the psychologist’s chair. Quest is kind I guess, good at their job. Qualified at least, unlike some of the eccentrics that live in the Capitol. The moment I left the arena, they already tried to repair everything. Stitching wounds, offering prosthetic ears and making me speak out my feelings. I guess after nearly ninety years, they know how much damage can be left on victors though I have noticed the care to repair soon fades when the next batch of damaged goods arrive.

They will not care about my feelings when I am an adult. They only bother now because I am just a kid. When I am just as old as Teddy, there will be no care in the world about my feelings. Just another broken prize to show off every year. What now for me then? I guess I will just have to have a break down every year when we lose them, followed by a pat on the back by another victor You will be ok. They are in a better place now!.

I hate it. All of it and I cannot do a thing about it. I have lost control of my own life and I only have myself to blame.

My reflection bounces off the glass, the flashing neon lights down below paint my forehead red and my chin blue. Nobody down there has a care in the world, just getting on with their lives without a single worry. What a life that must be. One I will never have. It must be great being a narcissist. Not having a single person around you to be concerned about, only yourself. Fuck them. ”Fuck the Capitol.” The words are light, under my breathe but I don’t care if Avriel hears. He is from Nine after all, they followed us into a lockdown, and I heard it was for no reason at all. Not like the coincidental bombings in Six before my own victory tour…that basically says everything the Capitol thinks about a then thirteen-year-old kid from Six.

”You can stay.” I tell Avriel and the little creature that followed him out of his arena, the thing I look at again. ”I wish I had something like that, a pet…a friend, that’s not a person.” Because people are clearly the worst. Why do I even bother with these medical studies? I should just be a veterinarian at least they will be more grateful. ”I just wish I knew what to do, Avriel. There is no manual for being a victor and knowing that I am going to have to befriend two people every year and then watch them die. I just don’t know how.” A fist hits the window, the vibrations ripple through the glass and my forearm.

I can either leave behind a path of destruction, an escort with a wine-stained dress or I can help myself. But how?

[gamemaker kelsier]

a v r i e l .

"You are a rose
in the field where
the wolves walk"

Flynn and I are different, the contrast is stark. It's not just his age, or the way we played the games, it's the way that he looks at things.

And feels them.

I keep my gaze focused down on the street as he speaks, at the vehicles going about their business and the party happening below. I like how life goes on, how it doesn't matter that we're hundreds of feet above, staring down at the capitulates walking around like little ants.

Except I guess we're the ones in the ant farm.

I don't know if Flynn sees that. It doesn't really matter what happens to us because the people down below love to see how we'll react. We're supposed to be in pain, actually the more pain they inflict on us, the more entertaining it is for them. Panem's just some asshole kid with a magnifying glass, burning us alive.

And I'm vaguely jealous, I wish I still believed that things could go well for us but I've touched fire too many times. It's always going to hurt. Now I know not to get burned anymore, I'm too scared to still be open like that. Coward, I called myself coward first.

"fuck the capitol," Flynn says.

I finally look at him but it's his turn to stare out the window. The lights from the party reflect on his face, deepening the furrows in his brow. In the odd lighting, he appears to be older than he is. I wonder how many years will pass like this, him and I, pressed up against the glass, hidden in plain site like animals.

"If Scout likes you, it'll come find you later," I tell Flynn. Lately Scout seems to have its own agenda and I don't pretend to control the kodama, "It goes where it pleases." I don't tell Flynn that it seems to be drawn to pain. The amount of times I've woken up with it standing on my chest, staring down at me with those hollow eyes, inner-light pulsating slowly in the grey before the dawn.

"The way I see it," I start slowly, "You shouldn't place your love into something as fragile as a tribute." I've never been all that good at caring about people I don't know in the first place so I don't care much. Still, I know how that makes me sound. I focus on one of the gummy worms and pull strips of sugared candy off it's body rather than look at Flynn. "Sure, do your best, but if you're gonna care that much about a dead-man-walking like that, it's your fault when it backfires."

I pass the torn up pieces to Scout, who drops them into his gaping wound of a mouth.

"Better off being lonely than caring about someone you're gonna lose."

[d6a georgie cham 🍓🐢 frankel]

FLYNN GARNER
YEAR OF THE 89TH

Every part of my life is going to be documented now. I wonder if they have eyes on us both right now, nothing seems to go unheard in the Capitol, even in District Six. They seem to know what I have eaten for dinner and what I wore on one particular Tuesday. There will be a character analysis about me written down somewhere, a whole chapter will be on how I react to the games. Likely highlighting how fragile and how aggressive I can get. Star will have added their evidence, wine-stained dress included.

It is still a life I wanted Aurora to fight for though.

I can sit here. I can mope. But what exactly am I achieving? Avriel might be right. Aurora would be kicking me right now, cursing me under the sun at how stupid I am being. I just wish she told me why. She spent almost two years listening to horrors of my games and still, she put her name forwards. I will never know.

Avriel offers his little mutt friend. I never got to keep the glowing green friend from my arena. Avriel’s Scout is just as obscure, it seems so real, yet I cannot see a soul beyond its dark eyes. ”Thank you but I was thinking of something a bit more cuddly, maybe a golden retriever?” My emotions fight with my face, I can feel a flash of a grin. I have not felt a face like that for days.

"Better off being lonely than caring about someone you're gonna lose."

It is a punch in the throat. Probably the truth but it damn hurts. What is the point in being called a mentor? It is like being a doctor and not fighting for your patient’s chances. Dad and Mom would never throw down the surgical tools unless the flat line hung over them for longer than was possible.

”It is just hard to not try. I want to be a surgeon. If I still can…” I have not asked that question yet, whether my lifelong career dream is over or not. I shuffle my body, turning my back to the activity that is erupting every second through the window, my head rests on the glass and my eyes set on Scout. ”I am going to fight until the last second for my patients, unless they have signed a do not resuscitate. Just like all the tributes that are going to come every year. If they want to live, I will fight for them.” I poke at the floor, my brain is bouncing around, not realizing I am just going to be here again when the inevitable happens. ”I guess I just need to learn how to mourn properly. There have been enough victors before us to learn from.”