turning a new leaf / callan&nixie / blitz

[k!ah]

C A L L A N

"Callan! Don't be a prick! Mum needs us! Come visit, please."

"I'm busy, Nan. Plus, she won't listen to what I have to say! The woman is so fucking stubborn- just like you."

"Cal, please-"

"- no."

I should have gone that day. I should have gone each day Nan begged me to come. But I was just as stubborn as the two of them. We all wanted to be right and no one wanted to stand down, to be the one to wave the white flag. In the end, it was me who lost. It had taken Nanette being reaped for me to go and see Ma, and by then it had been too late, the cancer had almost got her. All I had gotten was a goodbye, as I begged for forgiveness for not being there for her, for both of them.

I will remember that day for the rest of my life. The day I held her as the machines got turned off, her heartbeat faded until it completely stopped.

It was not until recently that I had managed to shake off my grief enough to cut myself off from the alcohol abuse, to clear my mind, and to focus on doing better, not just for me but for them.

That was why I sat at the bar waiting for Nixie Summers, district 4 latest victor. I did not have much to offer her, and I wasn't sure if she even wanted my assistance, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a person to talk to. But it was what Nan would have done, and even though it hurt to see the Victor walk through the pub doors, to know that my sister would never do the same, I plaster a smile onto my lips and extend my hand, "Miss Summers, its a pleasure to officially meet you. I'm Callan Carter."

[kap]

I suppose my reason for going to the bar in Four was more of a celebratory one. The victory tour was over. I'd met so many people. Some of the interactions were pleasant: others not so much. Regardless, being home was nice.

I know many people in District Four who go to the bars on a regular basis are there to drink their sorrows away. They dry to down the booze to drown their sadness, and I wonder if it actually ever gets them anywhere.

When I entered the bar, I was immediately greeted by a young man with a smile on his face and his hand extended in a welcome. I suppose I should have expected to be recognized as soon as I entered any establishment. I just wasn't used to it yet.

He introduced himself as Callan Carter, and I wondered if there was a relation. I'd paid enough attention to past Games to know the name Nanette Carter. Maybe that's why he was here: drowning his sorrows in regards to her. I wouldn't make too much of an assumption, though.

I returned the smile and shook his hand.

"A pleasure to meet you as well, Mr. Carter."

I then look to the bartender and order myself a drink. I needed something with a little whiskey in it. It just felt... right, in the moment.

"I'll get you a drink. What would you like?" I ask my new acquaintance.

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[k!ah]

C A L L A N

For a moment I was scared she would not take my hand, leaving me standing there awkwardly like a fool. But after a moment she returns my smile, taking my hand and shaking it firmly for a moment before she turns to the bartender, flagging him down for a drink.

Instantly I feel the urge to tell her to get me a scotch on the rocks, neat, but I push down the relentless nagging urge, giving her a tight smile, "just a coke for me, please." The tightness in my chest eased slightly and I let go of a breath that I didn't realise I had been holding.

"But let me get the tab for the drinks," I offer as the bartender's hands over the coke and the whiskey that Nixie had ordered. I hand him some cash before leading Nixie to a free table at the back of the pub. "You might have gathered from my last name that I had a relation to Nanette Carter- she was my sister." I pause, allowing the wave of grief to wash over me, grief that would usually be numbed by the fire of alcohol as it burned through my veins.

I take a sip of my coke, looking at her thoughtfully. "I think she would have liked you."

[kap]

Callan seemed kind. After he ordered himself a coke, he insisted that he'd pay for our drinks, and I felt bad, in a way. I had plenty of cash from winning the Games, and had no idea what he had. I hoped I wasn't taking away from money that he needed. I had more than enough to spare. Determining it best not to say anything about that, though, I followed as he led me to a table in the pub.

He mentioned his relation to Nanette, which I had suspected. I had initially decided not to mention it, just in case I was wrong or it was a sensitive subject, but since he'd brought it up, I listened to what he had to say as I sat across from him, and decided that talking about her was okay.

Callan mentioned that Nanette probably would have liked me, and I gave him a soft smile.

"That's nice to hear," I said to him. "I never got to meet her, but she seemed like the type of person I would've liked, too."

I took a sip of my drink. The whiskey was strong. Fitting.

"I'll be honest, though, I don't think of myself as very likeable. I feel like I can be a bit... difficult."

Honesty was something I always made sure to have. I hated lying to people, even if it would benefit me to do so.

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[k!ah]

C A L L A N

"I think everyone can be difficult in their own way," he pauses, looking at her thoughtfully. "Take me for instance, I was not the best brother to Nan or son to my Ma, but they still loved me." He takes another drink, allowing the silence to settle over them. He was not going to lie and say he had watched much of her games, because if he was, to be honest with her he would have to tell her he was blind drunk most days, sleeping in his own piss and vomit.

"Due to personal, uh, reasons, I did not witness much of your games... But from what I've heard since you taking home that victory, people are very excited for you and the district..." But what if that's not what she wanted? He was a trainer, he couldn't pretend that never getting the chance to win the games wasn't disappointing... But he had never really thought about it to see it from the victor's perspective either.

Nixie Summer's was a killer.

Did that play on her mind?

What did that mean to her?

"Are you? Excited, that is."

[kap]

He hadn't been able to watch much of my Games, he had said, but that didn't offend me. I didn't expect everyone to be paying attention to every waking minute of the Games, or even paying attention to much of the Games at all, to be totally honest. It just wasn't what some people enjoyed watching. I was that way for quite a few years. I watched Wander's Games, but after ve 'died' in the Games, before we knew all the 80th tributes were going to live, I stopped watching. I stopped watching for a few years, actually.

He said that people were excited for me having won the Games, and yeah, I definitely saw that. He wanted to know if I was excited, too, though, which I suppose was a really good question. I definitely had been really excited at first, for sure. How did I feel now, though? I'd killed a friend to get here. Was that worth being excited over?

"You know..." I started. "I'm not entirely sure. I was definitely excited at first. I mean, I didn't die, and I get that whole feeling of 'hey, I won!' but like, at the same time, I had to kill a friend to get here."

I didn't regret any of the killing I did, but that didn't mean I couldn't feel a little bad about having to kill Whiskey. There weren't going to be any apologies. I wasn't sorry for what I did, but I still wished it didn't have to got that way.

I paused for a moment before speaking again.

"Sorry, I'm getting a little too deep on things. I didn't mean to."

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[k!ah]

C A L L A N

"You know..." she starts and it didnt sound like someone who is jumping with joy, but I wait patiently for her to continue, giving her all the space and time she needed. "I'm not entirely sure. I was definitely excited at first. I mean, I didn't die, and I get that whole feeling of 'hey, I won!' but like, at the same time, I had to kill a friend to get here."

There it was.

I think people sometimes forgot that the connections you build in the arena are stronger than we a lead to believe. I mean how could they not be? The kids are forced to go through something so traumatic that how could they not latch onto each other? I had seen it myself in the friendship that Nanette had built with the young Victor from six. I think if it had come down to just the two of them at the end, she would have given her life so that he could have made it home.

"Its okay not to feel excited by that, you know. I think people forget that, because we are careers, you know?"

She apologises for the conversation for taking a turn that felt too deep and I wave her off with the flick of a hand, "there is nothing to apologise for. I think its important to be able to talk about this stuff... Or you just end up blotting it up and I know thats not healthy. I've been there in my own way."

[kap]

Callan seemed to understand, despite not having been through the mess himself. Yeah, I'd consider the Games to be a mess. They're certainly not neat and orderly, that's for sure. They're traumatic no matter who you are, even if you're a career tribute going into it, like I was. I may have enjoyed some of my kills, but it still didn't feel like I was meant to kill Whiskey Finch. No matter how necessary it was, I wish it hadn't ended up that way.

Still, I'll never apologize for it. I did what I had to in order to win and survive.

"It's okay not to feel excited by that, you know. I think people forget that, because we are careers, you know?" When he said this two me, it made me really realize that I had felt a little bit of guilt about not being totally thrilled by everything that had happened.

"Yeah," I responded. "I guess I was just trained to think that's how things should be, though. We're conditioned to be emotionless killers who are happy about every minute of the Games, but that's just not how things work. At least not completely." He didn't need me to admit that I enjoyed killing the first four people I killed. That wasn't his business. He was a stranger, even with a connection to Nanette.

He told me it was better to let it out than hold it in. That I didn't need to apologize, and that he'd been there in his own way. I wondered if he minded me asking. Would I be prying too much? I decided to ask anyway.

"If you don't mind me asking, how'd you handle everything? With Nanette, I mean."

Losing friends while in the arena was painful. I wondered how it was watching it on the screen.

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[k!ah]

C A L L A N

"Yeah," she responds and as she speaks about the way careers I find myself nodding along in agreement. Training to be a career is such an intense and short-lived commitment when you think about it in the long run. It's a damaging process that leaves most people who had to endure it feeling lost and confused and rather useless when the time comes and their 18th birthday has come and gone and they had not been sent into the arena to bring glory to their home.

Hell, I've been there, the day after the reaping of my 18th year I had felt totally empty and lost and confused about what I was meant to do next. Who the hell I was if I wasn't a victor. Or a career. There was no expectation for me to show up at training each day. In fact, it was kind of seen as pathetic for ex careers to rock up and continue the intense and grueling training. It was embarrassing, but how could you blame them? Their whole identity had been ripped away from them.

"If you don't mind me asking, how'd you handle everything? With Nanette, I mean."

I swallow hard, looking down at my glass before responding. "If I am being totally honest I did not handle it well at all. Just before Nan died, my ma passed away from cancer. Then losing Nan all- all so close together sent to into a dark spiral." I pause, taking a deep breath, "basically I drank and drank until I felt numb. Each and every day."

[kap]

His words reach my ears and all I want to do is tell him that I'm sorry, but I'm sure he's heard it a thousand times. He tells me about losing his ma to cancer, and then losing Nanette in the Games. He's been through a lot of shit, and he handled it by drinking. I can't say that that was my go-to coping mechanism when Wander was in the games, and when I thought ve died, since I was rather young at the time, but it didn't make it any less difficult, or my coping mechanisms any healthier.

"I understand," I told him. "I totally get that, and I hope it starts to get easier for you. I know a lot of things like that don't get any easier but... we can always hope and try to make them that way, right?"

Who was I, the newest victor, being all motivational? What right did I have to do that?

"Sorry, I shouldn't be trying to be all motivational. You've been through a lot and have probably heard it all a thousand times. I'm probably not helpful." I admitted this and realized my mistake in asking him about Nanette. It was rude of me. I was just bringing up past trauma, and that was far from helpful.

----

214 words

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