dear luca.— [peter (one-shot)]

[Deleted]

P E T E R   W E B S T E R - V Ă D U V A

After the opening ceremony the first thing I did was shut myself in my room, locking the door.

Teddy and Flynn definitely didn't know what happened in the Justice Building, which was good. That wasn't me. I just... honestly I don't know what fucking happened. I just got so scared and hopeless. There were a few times in my life previously where I had felt like that, but it had been a long, long time. Besides, Teddy is happy with his life now. Why wouldn't I have a chance for happiness too? It's not over yet.

I'm still alive, I still have a chance to live.

I just needed to remind myself of why I was doing this, of why I was getting ready to kill people. It wasn't for me. It was for my family, and Teddy, and Sabrina, and of course, Luca. That's what Sabrina and I had decided to name him. Of course I still care about Sabrina, but last time we talked our relationship was in a weird limbo.

Guess that's what happens when you get a girl pregnant on the first date.

Even if I wasn't sure how I felt about Sabrina, I knew how I felt out Luca, our future son. I loved him. He wasn't born yet, but I loved him. And I'd do this for him, I had to. I'd do whatever it takes to meet him. I needed to be a good dad for him. Even if living seemed hard right now, even if it didn't seem worth it, I needed to live so I could meet him in a few months. Man I can't believe we're already four months along. Seems like just yesterday we went on our first date.

Use condoms, kids.

I decided to kill two birds with one stone. Remind myself what I'm fighting for, and make sure Luca knows he's loved if worst comes to worst. I got a paper and a pen and started writing. I wasn't sure how I was going to get this letter to him, but I had an idea. Teddy. If I gave it to Teddy before the start of the Games, I'm sure he could find a way to sneak it out and give it to Luca if I died. If Teddy won't do that... I'll figure something out.

---

Dear Luca,

I hope you never get the chance to read this. Because if you are reading this, then I died. I don't want to do that to you. I want to be there for you, kid. I'm planning to ask Teddy to give this to you for your 12th birthday if I don't make it. So Happy Birthday! Kind of a bad birthday present, huh? Hopefully I'm there with you right now. I wonder what I got you.

But look, if you're reading this then I'm probably dead. I'm writing this for a reason. I'm writing this because I love you, and I need you to know that. You're twelve, old enough to be reaped now. And I know it's scary, it's really really scary. It's okay to be scared. You just can't let that fear control you, alright? After I got picked to go in, I almost did something stupid. Something out of fear, something that really would have guaranteed me never being able to meet you.

But I didn't do it.

I just got to the Capitol earlier today. We actually just finished up the Opening Ceremony. But the whole time, I was thinking about how scared I felt earlier. And what I almost did because of that fear. I knew when I tried to do it that I never would have been able to meet you. That was selfish of me. But sometimes people are selfish. When I said goodbye to my little brother Gabriel - well I guess you probably know him as Uncle Gabe - I told him that sometimes good people do bad things. And I almost did a bad thing.

That doesn't change anything though.

It doesn't change how much I love you. Even if I never met you, I love you so much. Your mom called me in a panic when she found out. We went on one date and then... you happened. I don't know if she's had the talk with you yet. I guess that was probably supposed to be my job. But when she told me, I started crying. Not because I was sad. Because I was scared. Having a kid at seventeen is scary. But I was ready to do whatever it took because I loved you from the first moment I knew about you.

And now I'm ready to do whatever it takes still, because with every passing day I love you more and more.

I guess that's why I'm writing this. I never want you to forget how much your dad loves you. Whenever things get scary or hard or you feel alone, know I'm watching over you. Know that I love you and I always will. Luca, there is nothing you could ever do to make me stop loving you. So do what you love, find some sort of passion in this world and stick with it. Once you know what you want to do with your life, you'll never look back.

I know what I wanted to do with mine. I've always wanted to be a science teacher. Yeah sorry kid, your dads a big nerd. I've just loved science for as long as I could remember. And I want to help people. That was another big goal of mine too. That's actually how I met Teddy... I hope Teddy is part of your life. I'm planning to ask him to be your Godfather. Don't be mad at him if he said no, it's a big ask.

He's just like a second Dad to me, so I hope he can be like that for you. You deserve a Dad. One that's alive I mean. One to help you with your homework. A dad to help you when you get hurt and make you soup when you get sick. Someone to help guide you through life. And I'm sorry I'm not there to be your Dad right now. I'd give anything to just get to hold you once.

There's a few things I need to make sure you know. The first thing is to never give up. You're going to do so many amazing things with your life, I can tell. Just never give up on your dreams, fight for them. The second thing is to be kind. This world is cruel, people are cruel. Don't succumb to it. Please. Try to be a little beacon of light in the cruelty. And finally, remember that there is good in the world. It's not fair. It's not fair you never got to have a Dad. It's not fair I'll never get to tell you all of this in person. But there is goodness out there, find it and hold onto it.

I'm starting to ramble aren't I?

Look, it's your birthday... whenever that ends up being. I shouldn't keep you too long reading my letter. I just had some thoughts I had to get out. There is so much advice I wish I could share with you. But, I'd be writing up until the moment they drag me out to the Bloodbath if I tried to write down everything I wish I could tell you. I should get going now.

I love you Luca,
Dad

[ table by jay ]

[ 1,236 words ]