basta ya ❁ harbinger&haizea

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They had run out of time before she had spoken to all of her family. Given how long she and her cousins had talked, she couldn't be too surprised. The Izar clan seemed to multiple in front of her very eyes, meeting new loved ones in a form such as Ines and Amor. What shocked her was how many showed up for her, family members lost to years of secrecy. Haizea tried not to harbor anything towards her mother, she only regrets not reaching out sooner once she knew. 

When she leaves the Justice Building, for a second, she seems solid. Stable, prepared, the peacekeepers coming to escort the last relative she'd see for a while - a girl of the name of Ludo. Not too much unlike herself, she wondered if she and Yani would get along. It isn't much longer until the peacekeeper returns for her, and she moves on his gesture to avoid being physically forced. Her mother had always taught her to fear the 'keepers - not respect them. They didn't deserve that, the way they terrorized 9 & 11, but she knew better than to disrespect them outright. 

Her heart yearns for Yani, mentally stuck on the image of her being forced into the pavement at the reaping. 

Haizea feels much, much more fragile as she is reunited with her district partner. Maybe it's the competition looming over their heads, but she doesn't like the look in his eye. Already, the game has begun, and she doesn't even realize it. Instead, she's still 15 year old Haze, cradling the ukulele Mateo had retrieved for her. She boards the train, obliging at every step of the process. Don't fight it, it isn't weakness, it's just the best move for her in the moment. Trouble follows, and she needed as much distance from it as she could. 

The train is full of familiar faces, and she tries not to look any of them in the eye as she stands in the corner. Katelyn, Harbinger, Kirito, Kassandra, and then Karl, and then herself. She feels swallowed in the room, too scared to pipe up a word in the midst of them all. 5'3" and the weight of a wet pillow, that creeping feeling lurked over her shoulder - what if I can't do this? 

She's all out of options, this train's already in motion and she: precious cargo. 

Of everyone, she finds the kindest looking face in the room. "Mr. Harbringer?" She's able to utter, coming at him from the side. It's intimidating how tall he is, his shadow alone engulfing her from the overhead light. She could disappear inside of it, how comforting that would be. "Can I speak to you in private?" 

The group was starting to unnerve her; she was tired of being surrounded. 

[Cato]

Harbinger Rhodes

I am beyond thankful that the triplets will never have to face the games themselves. I still have some worries, but for this year my family is safe. It's always a wonderful feeling knowing that I won't have to bury one of my own, yet it comes with sorrow knowing I'll still have to bury at least one of these two tributes. Every year it's the same thing, and part of me wishes I could change it, but I know I can't. I won which means I must face this every single day. I say bye to my family and then make my way to the train finding a place before the others board. I always like being one of the first to board since it gives me peace of mind knowing I get to pick where to sit, and I don't feel pressured to sit somewhere with the others. Plus this gives me some alone time so I can think and figure how I can change so I can maybe bring another victor home. I failed many times, but I've reached the point where I'm trying my best instead of sitting alone angrily.

After what feels like an eternity, the others stay boarding the train, and I watch as they all crowd the car I chose for myself. Of course it doesn't matter. Every seat is open, and I expect people to want to talk more, and I expect the tributes to want to ask for advice and for help. Truth be told, I don't know how to help them. I went so long without helping anyone that I've lost what works and what doesn't. So when I see them approaching, I sit in silence hoping the other mentors can offer advice that I'm unable to give. But we sit in silence and I'm okay with this. It doesn't really matter anyway since the only thing on my mind is surviving until this trip is over. I'm always prepared to offer the same apologies to the families. Not that it makes a difference, but I have to say something, and that's exactly what I'm thinking of.

That's when Haizea breaks the silence. I can tell she's a bit anxious, and I just want to make that go away. She asks if we can speak in private, and I'm terrified because I don't always know what to say, and so many times I always make things worse. Why does she want to speak with me? My mind is racing, and I soothe myself by taking a drink of water. "Yeah, of course." I answer before excusing myself from the table where I'm seated. "I know the perfect place where we can talk if you want to follow me." I gesture towards the door and begin walking, and I stop when I'm at the door just to make sure she's following me. It would be rude to leave her behind, but until I know what she wants, I'm going to have to make sure I think of everything I can possibly say as I just want to make her feel at ease if that's even possible.

District Eleven

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Liberated from expectations, Haizea tries to see the human in those around her. 

Though they try, she refuses to be made cattle. Try as she might, little thing she is, she holds onto the spirit of herself that says I'm still alive. Her abuelita would tell her don't forget that, and that's the voice she craves to hear. Of all the family in the world, throughout the two hours of her visitation period, she hadn't seen even a glimpse of her abuelita. Mateo neglected to answer when Haizea asked of her grandmother, and she took his silence alone as answer that she wasn't coming. 

That she might never see her again. 

And her mentors aren't scary, per say, just intimidating. They weren't family, no matter how desperately she'd need to rely on them, something she was never good at it. "I know the perfect place," Harbinger says, and a sense of relief finds her like a balm. No matter how she tried to shake it off, her nerves were definitely fried and speaking to all 5 of them at once seemed like overkill. Haizea had barley begun realizing them as people instead of victors, feeling more of a burden than a mentee. What if they don't want me? answered in the resolution of Harbinger's of course. 

Mr. Rhodes points to the door and she obliges with a nod of her head, clutching the ukulele like a kid does a safety blanket as she walks through the train. For a second, she distracts herself by peering into a nearby compartment, taking in what could be the humbleness of her own quarters for the night. She wasn't sure how much time they truly had in their departure - once, what seemed like a lifetime ago now, she and her mother had gotten to travel to District 10 amidst that of the Izar clan. That train ride was wrapped in bliss to her now, nostalgic and honey sweet, she tried to imagine she was back in those simpler times for just one more second. 

What weighs on her chest isn't the question she confronts first - am I going to die? No one could answer that, and she knew she wouldn't like to hear from those daring enough to respond. 

"How long do we have?" She asks, as she catches Harbinger at the doorway.

[Cato]

Harbinger Rhodes

When she holds tightly onto her ukulele, I know that I may be way in over my head. The last several years all I've done is sit back and watch as district eleven failed time and time again. Part of that was my fault. All I ever wanted to do was learn to love myself again, and in that process, I found that at least giving some advice on how to live helps heal the broken pieces of my soul I've locked away for so long. I take a silent breath as I follow move almost through the door. This train doesn't have much, but what it does have is amazing places to relax and places to find comfort in this horrible situation. None of it will ever make it better, but at least it's better than nothing.

"How long do we have?"

I've always wished I knew an easy answer to this. It's never once crossed my mind how long it takes the train to venture all the way to the Capitol, but we're always there by the next day with how fast the train moves. Sometimes it's enough to get a decent night of rest, but sleeping is always easier when you know you aren't facing an almost certain death. It's hard not to shrug my shoulders since I at least owe her an answer, an honest answer. "We'll be there tomorrow." It's the best I can do. "So we have the night, and shortly after sunrise tomorrow, we'll reach our destination."

Taking another deep breath he moves through the door and into the next train car careful of every step, and then he stops every now and then to look back to see if she's still following or if she's staying behind. Moving at her pace is optimal as it gives her the chance to explore exactly where she wants to go. Sometimes things feel as though they're falling apart, but all I want is to try to make it better, for her, for everyone, but I can't bring everyone home alive. "Is there anything I can do for you?" I ask as I look back as I cross into the train car I've been waiting to find. Windows cover the entire thing, and it gives the best views of the outside world, and this is the one place I always found peaceful. I just hope that she does too.

District Eleven

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Tomorrow, still a promise, but ever so ominous. Harbinger confirms her guess that she'd at least get a good night's sleep before her first day in the Capitol, she tried not to be overwhelmed with what all that entails. That would be the public's first sight of her in person, stepping off that train behind 4 legends and Karl, she hoped she could hide behind them all and just leave somehow. It was remarkable how unnoticable she was sometimes, for once she prayed no one paid attention to her. 

For a second, she wonders what the sunrise in the Capitol looks like. If it'll be just as burning a brilliant orange as the ones back home. 

Doubt it. She keeps her judgements to herself as she follows behind Harbinger, the stretch of the train passing by rows and rows of additional compartments. Haizea couldn't help but wonder if they anticipated more victors when they built this train. "Is there anything I can do for you?" Harbinger offers, and so much comes to her at once she doesn't know where to begin. 

"I feel awful asking anything of you," she tells him, seeing the years of misery in his aging eyes. Her mother always advised she avoided watching the Games, but she knew of Mr. Rhodes through her textbooks at school, and even then they never showed how many wrinkles had come to him since his victory. He should be proud of them, as if they're rewards, gifts for getting to live such a long life after all. 

As much as she felt a burden, she knew she needed the help of Harbinger himself, so she mulled over what to ask him first as they entered the next room. A magnificent glass house on wheels, the fear in her was replaced with a sense of awe as she took in the sight of her home district passing ever by the second. Whatever was on her mind seemed to wash away within seconds and be replaced with respectful wonderment. Haizea sets her ukulele down on a bench and finds her way to the center of the room, almost forgetting Mr. Rhodes being in the room with her as she soaks in the scene and sunlight in what could be her final chance to do so. 

It felt like the same sun as what beamed over her mother at the villa - she held her hands to her heart and tried to picture where her mother was in this instance, and she hoped somewhere peaceful. It broke her heart imagining both she and her abuelita returning to the house without them, but she tried to fantasy twin sunbeams embracing the both of them, a radiant hug even a hundred miles away. 

After a few moments gaze, she takes her eyes from the sky and back to Mr. Rhodes, "if I had a choice, I'd stay here all night," she says with her first grin since seeing Mateo hours ago. Haizea takes a seat on the hovering bench, leaning her back against the glass as she crosses her legs beneath her. There's a sense of peace that finds her watching the rows and rows of harvest still exist off in the distance, she wonders how long it'll take before they disappear behind the horizon entirely. 

"I have no idea what I'm doing," an admission of guilt, at least it's out there. She wasn't afraid of looking incapable, if anyone was to help her through it, Harbinger would be the one. He deserved to know the lost cause he was handed, "and I mean that, I've never watched a full hour of The Hunger Games. I didn't even know I was an Izar until three years ago," terribly, terribly behind on the draw. I don't have a chance she was terrified to admit, she needed Mr. Rhodes to at least have more faith in her than she had. 

"Why do they keep killing us? What did we do?" 

[Cato]

Harbinger Rhodes

It brings me great joy watching her take in the scenery. I know it's not the outside world, but this is as close as I can get to it now that we're heading to the Capitol. It brings me even more joy when she says she'd stay here all night if she could. If this is where she wants to sleep, she can. Nothing is stopping her except herself. I spent so much time here on my way to the Capitol, and when I won the games, this is where I sat on the way back because it offered me much needed peace that was taken away when I stepped foot back into district eleven again.

When she takes a seat, I take a seat as well and watch district eleven go by. It never gets old, and I feel bad for her because I know in a few weeks I'll make my way back through here, and she may not have that chance. The odds aren't in her favor, but they weren't in mine either, and I proved them wrong. Maybe she can too. I just need her to realize she's going to have to do things that aren't going to come easy. Killing is hard, and it becomes harder the further one gets into the games.

"I have no idea what I'm doing."

I didn't know what I was doing either, but hearing she's never watched more than an hour of the hunger games makes me incredibly concerned. It's hard to grasp just what's going on unless it's been seen before, and even watching it through a projector screen doesn't compare to the reality behind the games. It's much worse, it's brutal, and I genuinely feel she's going to struggle, and I'm not going to be able to save her. She didn't even know she was an Izar until three years ago. Izar is a name I'm familiar with. So many have died over the years, and maybe this year I can break that cycle.

"Why do they keep killing us? What did we do?"

It's not an easy question to answer, but I'll try my best. I take a breath as I look at the scenery feeling so many emotions pouring into my soul. "We kept winning, and we didn't back down to them, and we still don't to this day. For the last twenty years or more, the Rhodes and Izars have been targets." After I won, I watched them throw Kirito's young cousin into the game as a form of punishment because hope was getting too high, and then immediately after that, they threw my brother into the games. This is what happens if you continue to fight. Although it was never proven, I know the answer myself.

I turn so that I'm looking at her because I want her to hear the next part and know that I'm there for her, and that I'm going to do what I can to make sure she has a fighting chance. "They pick families that are strong and have too much hope, like your family and my family. They don't like it when we're strong and have hope it makes them nervous because they think we're the spark that will start a wildfire. When they feel this will happen, they want to squash it before it spreads too far. They want to remind us that we're hopeless and powerless." I pause for a moment and take another breath. "Haizea, you're strong and brave. I didn't know what I was doing when I won the games, and you can do the same too, and I will do whatever I can to help you no matter what."

District Eleven

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"We kept winning," Harbinger starts and Haizea hangs onto every word like drops of honey. She keeps her eyes to the landscape outside of them both, two subjects in a painting much bigger than themselves. Even as the maize disappears, the mountains and hills remain the same, stoic and strong. She imagined Harbinger as something of the sort, a man built up from stones and earth, a pillar of their district and one of the sturdiest champions they had left. 

She loses herself in his words, taking it all to heart, which felt more of an open wound than anything at this point. Mr. Rhodes turns to face her and she matches his eye contact, looking up to a man not too much different to her uncle, Vasco, who hid his tired fractures the best he could. "They don't like it when we're strong and have hope, it makes them nervous because they think we're the spark that will start a wildfire," then that's what I must be, she thinks. 

If they hate it when she's strong and hopeful, she'd be so out of spite. 

"Haizea, you're strong and brave," he says, and she can't find it in her to continue looking at him. There's a single tear welling in her right eye that she refuses to let out in this moment, catching it with the sleeve of her floral blouse. For a minute, it feels too real, picturing Harbinger as an eighteen year old in her very spot, before Kassandra even. A world she hardly knew, and yet so undifferent to the one she finds herself in now. "Thank you," she croaks out, tightening her arms around her knees for a second until she can find the rest of her words. 

"I want to be strong, I do, I just-" don't know how? Am afraid to be? There was only so much time to catch up. Even then, even if she was able to hurt someone, she'd still be a 5'2" string bean from the poorest district. But you're strong and you're brave, the words echo, and she tries to believe them. "I just don't want anyone to think I'm an easy target, or some weak kid," even now, she can hear the reaping beckon from the main compartment's television, as if the other mentors turned it up to maximum. 

Those careers can tear her apart, easily, her lip quivers just thinking of it. Somehow, though, Katelyn was able to do it, Kirito and Harbinger and Kassandra, too, anything was possible - even from someone as unlikely as Haizea, as long as she believed she could. 

"If there's guns, I think I could..." she trails off, picturing what a pistol would feel like in her petite palms. 

[Cato]

Harbinger Rhodes

Sometimes it takes a lot for me to figure out the words I want to say. I've never been good at words, and I've never been good at saying what's on my mind. I might've crossed the line by saying these things, but they're the truth, and Haizea deserves to hear the truth. Our families have been through so much over the last several years, and if this makes a difference, then it's what needs to be done. Sugarcoating things and lying about reasons will never fix the cause. I worry that I might've scared her, but she says than you, and in that moment, I feel my heart relax. This is the first time I've ever been asked for advice that I can recall, and I don't want to ruin it. I wouldn't be surprised if I did anyway regardless of what she says.

But she doesn't stop there. No, Haizea says she wants to be strong, yet I don't know what she wants to say because she hesitates before finishing the rest of what she wants to say. I partially don't believe her because of how long she takes to respond. I never had to worry about being an easy target or a weak kid, so I can't really put myself into her shoes here. I have to try though. I have to try to figure out what she's capable of. She also has some advantages that people like me would never have. She can learn to climb trees, if there's any trees, and she can reach branches I never would've been able to reach, and I doubt most of the careers can reach them either, and then she mentions a gun and she might be able to. It's never that easy, though.

"Use your size to your advantage." I say while looking at her. "You can climb to the tallest branches in trees that most careers couldn't reach. You can move quicker than others. Everything you think is a disadvantage is a strength if you know how to turn it into one." I look out the window and then look back her. "I don't think there'll be a gun, though, but if there is be careful because it will be hidden deep within the cornucopia in the bloodbath to draw someone in for it, and it's best to try to avoid the bloodbath." I take a breath, and this time I try to think of what other advise I can give her. I want her to know anything that can help her.

"But with advantages also comes disadvantages. While you'll want allies, don't -" I can't finish the sentence right away because I know what nearly caused my downfall, but I had to do it, and to this day I still miss Chloe more than anyone will ever know, and I don't ever really tell anyone just how much it hurts. I don't want to burden anyone anyway. "Don't get close to anyone in the arena. You'll never know if your closest ally becomes your number one obstacle to living." I had no choice but to kill her because I wanted to live, yet I feel myself choking up thinking of her. I thought it would get easier, but it doesn't. I don't want Haizea to suffer through what I did, and maybe this will help her.

District Eleven

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