Life of the party ~~ Xiomara+Silver

[d11a tsiuri dermott ☕ minie]

X I O M A R A H A R T.

and i usually ain't afraid of nothing

How the hell did I end up here?

Only an hour ago I was staring at myself in the mirror wearing a tiny black dress that perfectly showed off my unproportionally long legs and heels that boosted me from a near childlike height to maybe a slightly under average height. There was no telling how much time I took just glaring at my own reflection, contemplating if I really should go this party. Marjorie overhead some of our classmates talking about a career party they were invited to and thought it would be an oh- so-brilliant idea to crash. Now I am never the one for unnecessary socializing with people I know would not want me there, but I could not let her go alone could I?

I could hear my slightly more sociable friend telling me “C’mon, there’ll be free booze” over and over, who am I to turn down a free drink? I took a last swig from the tequila bottle on my desk and headed out the door. I was instantly met with a cold breeze and for a second the idea of turning around and going back into my warm house crossed my mind. Reluctantly, I decided to take down my signature high pony, the only thing my mother and I could agree on, to let my wavy dark hair cover my freezing cold ears.

When I started approaching the house where the party already seemed like it was in full swing, I heard an unrecognizable voice call out “Oh good, you actually came! I thought you ditched me for a second!”. Marjorie clearly had too much to drink already, she was never this perky when she was sober. I could already tell that if I did not get a drink in the next minute, I was not going to be able to stand it much longer.

The lights and the noises inside overwhelmed, it was all too much. The people talking, colors everywhere, a bass so distinct that I could feel it through the tile floors. Everything was happening all at once in my mind and I wanted it all to stop. I longed to be in my bed with the pressure of multiple thick blankets keeping me safe from the situation I just walked myself into. My feet were already beginning to hurt, why did I wear heels, this was all just one bad idea. “Right, where are those free drinks you promised me” I sighed as I looked over to Marjorie. She just headed off and started rambling about, however over all the different noises I could not actually make out anything she was saying.

We walked into a kitchen with a marble island in the middle with what seemed to be every type of alcohol in the book spread across it. Groups of people chatting away as they sought some refuge from the blaring music in the rooms adjacent. A group fell silent and turned to look at me and Marjorie as we walked in and instantly I felt the hostility breath down my neck. I needed to get out of here as soon as I could, the faces sending us unwanted glances were familiar. People I knew from when I was still a promising career, before my lack of professionalism had me expelled. I did not belong here and that was very clear. I quickly went for the first bottle I could find, vodka, oh good I’ll be mixing my liquor and poured it into one of the clear cups that was stacked beside it. I turned around to look for Marjorie as a sign to get out of the room but she was no where to be found.

“Well fuck me, of course she already ran off” I said possibly a little too out loud as I rolled my eyes. I downed half the cup of pure vodka and folded my arms as I glanced around the room contemplating what exactly I should do next.

ELEGANT

[kap]

I wanna feel handsome,
I wanna feel pretty

-

(Silver's pronouns are she/they)

-

I honestly don't know what had come over me. I always asked my parents before I went out to a party, but not this time. Maybe it's because I was just pissed off at them, and didn't want to have to ask them for permission for something when we weren't on great terms, since I could almost guarantee that they would have said no. Regardless, they were out on some date night together tonight, which would make sneaking out to the career party quite easy.

The party was at a really popular career girl's house, so it really was the place to be tonight. I needed to look good when I got there, although I suppose "good" is a bit subjective. To me, looking good tonight meant bringing out the black skinny jeans and putting on a bright colored crop top. It was honestly a bit more of a feminine look than I usually strived for, but I liked it. I looked good and felt good about it.

Walking to the party took a little while, since it was a few blocks away, but by the time I go there, I could see that people were lined up waiting to get in. I was early, so they hadn't let people in yet, but when they did, I knew it'd just be a stream of people parading their way into the girl's house, ready to get drunk, high, or do whatever other kinds of things people typically got up to at parties like this.

When people were being let in, I went with the flow of the crowd. Once I got inside, looking around, it didn't take long to find the booze. There were, I swear, a couple dozen bottles of different types of alcohol set out for people to take from. I supposed it was just fair game. So, I grabbed a cup and poured some gin and some lemon-lime soda into it. A great combination, if you ask me. Some people were pouring cups of straight liquor, which I'll admit, I respect, but I wasn't ready to start my night out that way. Maybe I'd get there later.

As the party progressed, more and more people arrived. As I stood leaned against one of the walls of the main room that the party was in, I heard a girl's voice carry out above the sound of the music somehow. Normally, it was quite difficult to hear people at parties like this with how loud the music was, but I was close enough to her, and she seemed annoyed enough with whatever was frustrating her that her voice just carried a whole lot better.

“Well fuck me, of course she already ran off,” the girl huffed, rolling her eyes. I let out a chuckle and turned to look at her.

"I feel ya," I told her, raising my voice just enough that she would be able to hear it over the booming music. "My friends didn't even want to come with me this time, and I've been ditched at parties more times than I'd like to admit."

I extended the hand that wasn't holding my drink in greeting.

"I'm Silver," I said, introducing myself.

-

If you want me to dance
you can take me to the city

-

lyrics: "Person In The Mirror" by Naethan Apollo
word count: 526

[d11a tsiuri dermott ☕ minie]

X I O M A R A H A R T.

and i usually ain't afraid of nothing

If I did not want people to talk to me then maybe I should have kept my words inside my own head where it was safe. A strangers voice spoke from corner and I instantly regretted saying anything at all. I felt my body stiffen as they came closer to my personal space that I have tried to keep strangers out of. Why, why did they think it would be a good idea to intervene in what was oh so obviously a rhetoric statement. It is a party after all, c’mon you can do this. The voices in my head whispered to me. It definitely was, and I needed to get a grip of myself. I took another swig of my vodka and turned towards the stranger who decided to speak up.

“I feel ya”

What? What do you feel? Can you feel the anxiety building up inside of me because I cannot shake the feeling that everyone is judging me even though I rationally know that no one actually is, or are they? Can you feel that I do not want to be here and that the whole situation makes me uncomfortable from the lights, the music, the colors, the odder, my senses were completely overwhelmed. Could you feel that?

I looked the stranger up and down before forcing a small grin on my face in order to indicate thanks but keep on walking. Safe to say it did not work, they kept on talking and I started picking at the skin surrounding my finger nails to stop myself from making a fool of myself in front of careers…again.

“My friends didn’t even want to come with me this time, and I’ve been ditched at parties more times than I’d like to admit”

I opened my mouth as if I were going to say something but shut it again real quick and shoved my cup back in my face to take another sip. I almost told her to get lost because I just happened to be the friend that did not want to be there. I may have not said it, but my face usually speaks faster than my mouth. There was no hiding that I would rather be anywhere else. They seemed nice though, I was not getting any sense of hostility from her. This was a party, right, you had to mingle and make drunk mistakes. I was not drunk enough to make mistakes so I guess I could give mingling a go with the only person who even bothered talking to me. Everything was all so easily said but I could not shake the anxious feeling that overwhelmed any thought of reason I had.

I almost turned around and left when she held out their hand and said “I’m Silver.”

I stared at their hand. One ripred. Two ripred. Do I shake it? Three ripred. I hastily shook her hand. Oh god did I actually do that? Great now I have to introduce myself. Right, come one, you know your own name just say it.

“Hi, I’m Mar and I’m the friend who didn’t want to come in the first place. Yet I’m here and Marjorie ditched me because something about improving our social lives or whatever and like was that really necessary, especially since she knows I don’t like being around careers, especially not alone….oh god I’m rambling, want a drink?”

Goddamn it Mar, why did you just do that? Maybe I really did have to much to drink. Oh well, it is a party afterall.

ELEGANT

[kap]

I wanna feel handsome,
I wanna feel pretty

-

The girl looked like she had something to say, but didn't seem to actually want to say it. She seemed a bit uncomfortable, and I started second-guessing if I should've even spoken to her in the first place. Oh well, it was really far too late for that now.

She took a sip of her drink before she spoke to me and I could smell the liquor in her cup and on her breath.

Was she drinking straight liquor? Good on her, I suppose.

“Hi, I’m Mar and I’m the friend who didn’t want to come in the first place," she says to introduce herself.

I listen to what she has to say. She probably didn't want to talk to me in the first place, but here we are. I might as well tune in.

"Yet I’m here and Marjorie ditched me because something about improving our social lives or whatever and like was that really necessary, especially since she knows I don’t like being around careers, especially not alone….oh god I’m rambling, want a drink?”

She had offered me a drink shortly after telling me she didn't like being around careers. I suppose now wouldn't be the best time to mention my training. I mean, it's not like I wanted to train for the Games, and I certainly don't want to be in them, but one of my best friends convinced me to train with her, so I've been doing it for a while now and it's good exercise, so there's no real point in stopping or turning back at this point.

I give her a smile and without a word, down the rest of my gin and lemon lime soda mix. There was quite a lot left in the cup— more than half— but I didn't mind. It was a way to get the night started, I suppose.

"Sure, another drink sounds good to me," I told her.

"Sorry your friend decided to wander off," I continued. "Oh, and I can tell you don't really want to talk to me. The body language kind of gives it away, so if you get too tired of me, just tell me to fuck off, alright?"

I let out a slight laugh with my last comment and start to head toward where the drinks are, hoping she's following behind me and that I didn't just make a complete fool of myself.

-

If you want me to dance
you can take me to the city

-

lyrics: "Person In The Mirror" by Naethan Apollo
word count: 390

[d11a tsiuri dermott ☕ minie]

X I O M A R A H A R T.

and i usually ain't afraid of nothing

And she left as well, only this time with an invitation to follow her.

I did not seem to have much of an option other than to tag along with Silver and hope for the best. So, without much thought, I walked after them. Silver said themselves that they could tell that I did not want to really talk to her, but I also really was not going to stand around alone, logically I was going to swallow my pride and anxiety to make the most of what the night has to offer. At least they were attempting to be nice to me and that is what should matter in the end.

The alcohol was starting to get to my head, I could feel the room starting to spin as a sense of lightheadedness flushed my brain. I know they told me I could tell her to fuck off, but I almost did not want her too anymore. What if I passed out, who was going to look after me. I tried to adjust my posture and my face to make it seem as if I were okay with my entire situation. I wanted to be okay, and I guess I would just fake it till I make it.

”I’m not going to tell you to leave, I don’t really have anyone else at the moment.” I shrugged and attempted to smile. I’m doing good, I think, this is how people make friends. I reached towards the spirits and also looked for the mixers. I could not keep drinking straight spirits otherwise this was going to be an incredibly short-lived attempt at socializing. Even though my mind decided to try to have fun, somehow it was not really working, and I felt like I needed to say something because at the moment all that was happening was me standing and awkwardly fidgeting with the hair tie around my wrist.

There were so many different things that I could say, but at the same time there was none. All my thoughts were getting blurrier with every sip of my gin lemonade mix. I needed to say something, anything, the nerves of it all were eating away at me inside. ”So um, I am not entirely sure what to say. Like I don’t, tell me something about yourself. Like what brought you here? ”

ELEGANT

[kap]

I wanna feel handsome,
I wanna feel pretty

-

Mar decides not to tell me to fuck off, and I decide that's probably a good thing. Although, who knew how long this girl would actually be around me for? Would I ever see her again after this party? Knowing how things have gone in the past with trying to make friends at parties, probably not— especially if she found out I was a career, seeing as she'd made a comment earlier about not really liking careers.

Regardless, I'd chat with her for as long as she'd allow. I'd come to the party alone, and simply having someone to talk to was nice.

She gives a shrug and a smile, but she's fidgety. My guess is that she's uncomfortable, or perhaps just nervous. She sips at her drink, and talks to me again in what seems like an attempt to ease the tension.

Well, the tension she seems to be feeling, anyway. I'm pretty relaxed in the moment, at least for the most part. I mean, I don't like to make people uncomfortable, so I hope that's not what's happening. That would make things awkward for sure. If I'm not the cause of her uneasiness, though— which would be ideal— then I was totally fine with whatever was happening with this interaction.

”So um, I am not entirely sure what to say. Like I don’t, tell me something about yourself. Like what brought you here?”

She wants to know why I'm here, and I don't know if I should be totally honest or not. I just met the girl, so what's to say she automatically gets my honesty? Then again, that was often what drove people away from wanting to be friends with people, right? Dishonesty, that is.

I take a sip of my new drink I'd just mixed— rum and a dark cola of some sort— and then give her a smile.

"Just seemed like the place to be tonight, I suppose," I tell her, being mostly honest. "Popular career girl's party? Surely it's got to be fun, right? Lots of drinks, music, dancing— lots of people to meet and chat with." I gesture to her in reference to the 'people to meet and chat with' part of what I say. "What about you?"

I avoid telling her my main reason for being at the party. I'd had a crush on the girl hosting the party for the last couple years, and I wanted to seem cool to her by showing up. The problem was, I didn't even know where she was. I hadn't run into her yet.

"Speaking of throwing parties..." I trailed off for a second, thinking of how to word things. "If I had a party sometime, would you want to come? You seem pretty chill. Could be fun."

I had narrowly prevented myself from saying 'speaking of careers throwing parties', and was thankful I caught myself. She didn't need to know I was a career yet. I wasn't sure why I'd invited her to a party that may never happen, but for some reason, it felt like the right thing to do. She was nice. Although, I wasn't entirely sure she was even enjoying this party.

"If you don't want to, though, I understand," I quickly assured her, just in case.

-

If you want me to dance
you can take me to the city

-

lyrics: "Person In The Mirror" by Naethan Apollo
word count: 535

[d11a tsiuri dermott ☕ minie]

X I O M A R A H A R T

It truly was the place to be tonight, anyone who was anyone in the social circle of four was present tonight. The booze was flowing, and most people seemed to be having a grand time amongst themselves. With every sip of my drink, my body starts to relax and almost sway along to the beat. The room was spinning, and my head was feeling light. I knew in the morning I was going to have some regrets.

Thankfully, in the moment, there was nothing the liquid courage could not help.
Silver was trying their best to ease me into the conversation, at least one of us was able to carry one. I could not tell if the alcohol was making my ability to chat the night away worse or better. My god-awful attention span was also not helping. I’ve learned that if I just keep on nodding my head, no one will ever suspect a thing if I zoned out. All of the stimulants crashing on my 5 senses were just a bit too much to properly focus on Silver’s words.

She asked me a question, shit, what am I supposed to do now? The nodding along only works when I do not actually have to partake in the conversation. The brief moments of relaxation are over now as I slightly panic on how to respond to a question that I did not really hear due to the wandering of my mind. I always felt most at home when it was just me lost in my thoughts.

Right, I asked her what she was doing here so the logical conclusion must be that she was handing back the question…right? This had to be the reason mom and dad favored my brother. A well-behaved boy that paid attention when he was talking to someone, his mind did not wander, he did not get distracted.

”My friend, y’know the one that ditched me”, I tried explaining waving around my hand to wherever the hell she had ran off to. ”This was all her idea; I was just trying to be supportive. ” My speech slightly slurred as I took another sip.

I must have not been doing as bad as I thought, my perception could have been fooling me considering Silver proceeded to invite me to one of her future parties claiming I seemed chill. Was it all in my head, did the alcohol give me the magical abilities to disguise my physical discomfort. If so, then maybe I should just start drinking daily.

What was hard to disguise was the giant question mark on my face because I could not fathom who would even want me at their party’s. I was riddled with insecurities and self-loathing, truly a complete 180 from when I was kid thinking I was completely invincible. ”Umm yeah sure” I stutter. Definitely something I would regret in the morning. ”Ya don’t seem all too bad yourself", truly the highest form of compliment coming from me.

ELEGANT