Fucked up world//Luja&Bambam

[Hafen d4 ⚓︎ minie]

I stood there with my arms open wide and eyes shut tight waiting for Kaiden to attack.

1…

2…

3…

Damn it, don’t tell me he has gone soft on me now.

I slowly open one eye after the other only to find his corpse laid down on the soft grass. Well, this sucks. I stand there for a good second trying to figure out what to do next. I hear a gate open signaling for me to get a move on. Quickly before I run off to whatever fate awaits me next, I rip Kaiden’s keys from his waist tearing a bit of cloth along with it.

The capitol’s eyes observe my every move and for the first time I can truly feel them watching me. If I were them I would to, I did just kill my brother for fucks sake. The thought of it makes me chuckle a little bit. I bet dad died of a heart attack when he saw my blade pierce through Kaiden’s eye. If by some reason he was still alive, I bet he was cursing my name out right now. Or would he? I don’t know, let me ask Kai-. Oh wait, silly me, he’s dead.

There was one last step until the gates shut behind me. I turn to the direction of my brother’s lifeless body and salute him the same way I did before the reaping. ”See ya on the flipside” a toothless smile barely visible between my own fresh blood smeared down my face. I blow him one last kiss goodbye before I start running sword still swinging beside my body.

I run as fast as I could through the maze. I run as fast as I could to escape Kaiden’s ghost that I know is following me. Haunting me. You can’t just expect to kill your twin and not have them make the rest of your life miserable. I knew if I was in his shoes, I would do the same. The only one that got to make my brother's life miserable was me…and maybe mom.

Up ahead I see a girl and I stop dead in my tracks. The first person I encounter besides my brother. Was she a foe or a friend. Was there even such thing as a friend in the games? I guess it would be time to find out, can’t just kill people without knowing their names.

Where’s the fun in that?

”Hi, I’m Luja and I just murdered my twin brother. Who did they have you kill?” I asked all gassed up and out of breath. My arms grasp my sword behind my back as my body rocks forward from heel to toe.

[gm bourgeois decadence [aya]]

I wasn't gonna leave you — didn't know what else to do, so the sentimentality took over — but sitting with your corpse started to get real morbid once the rigor mortis set in. I hid you under the sword table. Out in the open didn't feel right. Vulnerable.

When it's just me in the courtyard — alone — just your rusted sword in the grass, your blood on my toga, your body under the table — but, y'know, alone — I get myself possessed with the ghost of old times: suddenly I can't stand to be around the thought of you. I take my weapon and a page out of your book, and I dart.

Limping aimlessly through the hedges, I'm not going somewhere. I'm leaving somewhere.

Trouble is, it follows me — I can't stop thinking about what's behind me. Not when this bourgeois hedge maze is just like our little field trip we took to Highland — peering in the windows of the mansions at the top of the hill, hungry for all the things we didn't know were being kept from us. I treat it the same, too: one eye ahead of me, waiting for some peacekeeper-wannabe neighborhood watch Karen to grab me; one eye on the hedges, looking for another topiary to dart into in case of trouble.

I don't find either. Instead, there's a girl at the junction down the way. She eyes me, sizes me up. I half-expect her to turn and bolt — even the bingo hall grandmas see me and understand threat, and I was twelve years old and decidedly not covered in someone else's blood that day. Then I remember that no one made it through yesterday on accident, and I'm not surprised she doesn't.

But I'm from Shear Hill — no need to give her the same kind of ocular pat-down. I see everyone and understand threat too, just like the old ladies. She looks... lively.

"Hi," she says, bouncing on her heels, "I'm Luja and I just murdered my twin brother." I couldn't bring myself to pay much attention to anyone else, but even in a stupor that morsel of information was inescapable. Mahdavi versus Mahdavi. She looks beat up, but not torn up. Must've been what Ramshackle versus Ramshackle would've looked like. "Who did they have you kill?"

I snort. "Same, girl." It's true enough. Us with our twin crooked noses and our twin buzz cuts and our twin childhoods. I meant it, Holt, you were always more my family than anyone I shared a name or a one-way train ride to the Capitol with. "Did he have it coming, too?" I ask, mostly because I'm pretty fucking sure the answer is yes, and if it isn't then it looks like she doesn't need to get wound much tighter before she snaps.

And, not to be rude, I give her an upwards nod and my name in return. "I'm Bambam."

[Hafen d4 ⚓︎ minie]

Well what kind of a name is Bambam?

All I could think about were those toy percussion monkeys on a bike going around in circles. Bam bam bam bam bam. It was almost too good to be true, poor thing she must have been bullied relentlessly for it. If we were back in school, there would have been a high probability of me making a stupid joke that would end in a fight. Those kinds of days were the best, the entertainment of other people’s misery was my sole purpose of attendance, well that and the law forcing me to. The only law mother made me uphold, oh the irony of it all.

Now I had to keep in mind that we were both here for a reason, we both killed our twins. As if there were multiple twins in this arena. Ugh the audacity. I really thought me and Kaiden were special, some kind of highlight. If what she said were true, then that takes some of my thunder away. There would be no way of scaring the rigid looking individual in front of me. Not that I thought I could anyway, there was something about her that made me want to slowly retreat. My kind of crazy was loud and unapologetic. The energy of my own delusional mind kept me going and numbed everything else. My own personal pain killer. She was quiet, she radiated a similar trauma with a mutual understanding locked bewteen our eyes.

A friend for now, but you could never turn your back on the quiet ones, they will get you when you least expect it. Better to silence them permanently before it ever gets that far.

I could not really answer the question if Kaiden had it coming. If we were in any other situation, it would have never come down to murder. Oh, Kaiden I truly am sorry you could not live out your miserable little life with dad. I really hope the two of you rejoice in the high gates of heaven where you will never have to see me or mom ever again. Such a better place for your fragile little boy heart. Why did the men in my family have to be so infuriatingly weak.

I tilt my head to the right and open my eyes wide as I think of an answer still rocking back and forth. If I never stop moving then I could never get tired, I just have to keep pushing through. ”Well ya see one of us had to die for the other to make it out back alive and with daddy probably dead and gone…” I giggle like a little girl receiving a compliment from an older boy at school. ”well he said it himself; he has no purpose. “ I shrug ever so slightly to indicate an oh well. ”Pathetic useless boys get…” I pretend to slice my own neck with my sword as a croaking noise from the back of my throat signals Kaiden’s last breath. Still love you though brother dearest, nothing could ever change that.

”There really is not much more to it, family just fucks you up. ” I offer no other context to anything mentioned before.

[gm bourgeois decadence [aya]]

When she looks at me like she doesn't quite believe my name is Bambam, I go back to wishing I had some kind of lead pipe or tire iron or something else to smash against the wrought fence in demonstration. Bam! But at this point, y'know, who gives a shit?

Adrenaline buzzed, she teeters as she explains it: "Well ya see one of us had to die for the other to make it out back alive," Yeah. That's how it goes. It may not be a flimsy one, but I know it's an excuse. That's been my refrain for hours, and it's not a lie — I'm not sad to live, I'm not sad about killing you, and that's still the truth even if you weren't kind enough to give me a good reason to wish you six feet under beforehand — but it's not still not a perfect chaser for the shot of guilt that's been burning my throat for hours. "and with daddy dead and gone..."

I'm not gonna lie — that kind of laughter unsettles me a little bit. I give her a small nod and smile like I'm picking up what she's putting down, and to be honest, I am, except for the part of me that's looking at her expression right now and screaming Girl! What! at the top of my mental lungs. "Well he said it himself; he has no purpose. Pathetic useless boys get..."

You sure could be pathetic sometimes, but you weren't useless, Holt. I hope you know that. And I'm not just saying that cause you had the talent for making shit fall off the back of a proverbial truck, 'specially the shit I was looking for. Really. It wasn't just your knack for making the parts I needed appear out of thin air, and it wasn't just the Good Son bullshit your folks wanted from you, and it wasn't just the way Rusty and Billy would lose themselves laughing at every third thing you said. You were worthwhile all on your own.

I draw a line across my throat too, mimicking Luja, but I leave the croaking out of it. I don't want to think about your death rattle. That was pebbles in the gas tank levels of unsettling; I'm filing that one under forbidden sound effects until further notice.

"There really is not much more to it," she explains, and I believe her — especially when she adds, "family just fucks you up."

Don't we know it. Dark laughter rumbles in my guts, revving for a burnout. "Ain't that the truth." I'm quiet for awhile, studying the tangled branches of the hedge on my right. "That's how I know Holt and me are family. We fucked each other up good." You with your snitching, me with my words. "Guess I got the last laugh, though." Haven't felt much like laughing. Haven't felt like it for a long time.

[Hafen d4 ⚓︎ minie]

Bambam mimics the slicing of the throat back at me and once again the schoolgirl giggle ever so faintly makes an appearance contrasting her dark laughter. There was nothing like solidarity in murder between two strangers. In my eyes a sign that she understood in a way I never thought anyone would. Sweat and blood gleaming down my face, hiding most of my facial features yet at the same time for the first time I felt seen.

Her stance, her smile, her nod. It was not much; she really did not seem to be the kind of many words, but she is listening. Kaiden never listened, not really anyway. He was always so fed up with me. He would roll his eyes as I spoke and grunt in a disapproving manner every time I spoke or behaved in a way that did not make sense to him. That was just it, we never made sense to one another. In this fleeting encounter with Bambam she made sense to me.

Silence fell between us for a few seconds too long.

Silence lets my brain run wild and think of all things that I do not want to have to think about. The realities of the world, the rustling in the hedges. What would be in the hedges and was it edible because a girl needs to eat if she was going to make it out of here. The rocking back and forth of my body was not enough to settle my exhausted restlessness. I had no idea how much longer I could take it so like a well-oiled machine I start swinging my sword side to side in front of my legs without really giving it much thought. I count the swings like sheep jumping over the moon. Only instead of trying to fall asleep, I was doing my best to stay awake.

Finally, she decides to carry on, only took her a good 12 swings.

The one thing I was not able to understand of was how she knew Holt was her family because they messed each other up. A question mark formed on my face as my brain rattled to piece together what she meant. My brow knitted and head tilted. Strains of hair falling out of my intricate updo. Family is family, you know who your family is from the get-go. The fucking up just comes along for the ride. I knew Kaiden was my family because, well, because there really was not much else of an option. You are either family or not. Nothing really in between.

”I don’t get it; family is in your blood not your actions. Kaiden tried to fuck me up, but this as far as he got.” I remarked trying to make sense of what she was saying. The real culprit of our divide was our parents, not each other. Products of two people that did not belong together. Oh how things could have been so different.

”I probably won’t be laughing when I get home, can’t imagine mommy being very happy about any of this.” I twirled my body, arms spread out like a bird indicating at the wide world of the arena and its hedges. ”Might as well get all my laughter out now while I still can. Y’know properly enjoy it and all.” I loved my mother, she loved me. Her little prodigy, but I knew inside the caged hedges of the arena is the only time I would ever be in total control of myself.