sun bleached flies // U v. LL (day 6)

[MATTIO]

U L Y S S E S.

My eyes open to sunlight, at long last. The sun's glow is warm against my ankles, melting away their tiredness. The canopy forest's haven covers the rest of my body from the shins up. Pain must really be the world's most successful tranquilizer. The wound across my neck stings at the first bit of pressure and is soothed once I let go. Yep. Sleep cures those problems. Sleep away the pain and you might forget about it for a second or two. With the initial hurt subsided, I pull myself up against the tree. No Jayson. No Torian. Just me and the butterfly fluttering around the trees as I gather my stuff. I'm surprised that no one found me here. I'm not that deep into the forest, it probably would've taken four or five minutes of searching to find me and give me the ax.

The prospect of a peaceful death in my sleep… it's a wishful thought. If I'm going to die in here– and I still think I might– I think I'd pick not knowing. Quick, easy, painless. Well, unless I get woken up by the pain. That would be pretty scary, but hopefully, someone like Larissa or Perry would know to just go for the instantaneous shot.

"So, here's the plan." My eye moves to a shadow in the tree trunk, the slight flicker of a reflection a sign that there's a camera inside. "Step one: I'm gonna take a piss. Step two: I'm gonna wait for whatever signs and tricks you guys are going to pull to make me fight instead of going back to sleep in my little hidey-trees."

I round the corner of the tree, no more flickers in sight. They never talk about how creepy it is to take a piss or a shit in the games. I mean, there are fifty billion cameras in this place and I'm supposed to find just the right spot to be alone? I suppose it's more of a comfort thing for myself than it is for them. What are they gonna do, send me a Hunger Games fine for taking a piss in front of the cam- oh I just gave myself a really good idea.

"I'm back!" Can they hear me? I don't know. I wave into the tree trunk, unbuttoning my trousers. And no, before you ask, I'm not going to expose myself to the Capitol. Not even close. I angle myself to the side, take a deep breath, and let the stream flow across the camera's view. Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet, baby! "And at the end of the rainbow…" a pot of gold in the form of my middle finger right up in the camera's business. They probably changed the channel, but on the off-chance that they didn't, I hope I gave each and every one of those pretentious Capitol fuckers a shiver.

With step one out of the way, all that's left to do is wait for step two. I sit on a tree stump, legs crossed, waiting for "fate" or "happenstance" to make an entrance. So I'll just sit. Eyes peeled, of course, for anyone trying to sneak up on me. No wasting energy playing hide and seek. Nope! Nope…

…

…

…some time has passed. No cannons, no sound. Nothing. Silence again. Where are the tricks and shenanigans?

The clear skies flash with small dots of color, growing bigger in size each time they pulse outward. The pixies are back, the same ones that led us to the Cornucopia for the feast. One tugs at my suit coat and the other pulls at my shoelaces. I swat the one by my feet away, but only after it unties my right shoe. Fuck. Confession time: despite being as crafty and dashing as I am, I never learned how to tie my shoes. Don't know what it is. Something about people explaining the bunnies and the loops and knots… it never made sense to me. I lean down, continuing to swat at the pixies. "Okay! Damn, I'm going, I'm going." I tuck my laces onto either side of the shoe, holding them down with the bottom of my foot. That'll keep them good for two or three days, yeah?

Yeah!

The fairies whisper and giggle through the traveling as we move all the way back to where the horses trampled over Jayson on the second day. The woods don't look any better than they did: still dead. Might they be leading me to Jayson and Torian? Wishful thinking. And if they are, who's to say that they won't force us to hurt one another?

Nope. The only person in sight at first is the girl from District Five. Lillybird. I'm most confident about her name. How could I forget a fellow hair-bleached foe? I send her a hesitant wave. As much as I appreciate her good hair game, she's not among the tributes I refuse to hurt. Torian. Jayson. Vallen with his one-day free pass.

Appearing from each corner is a deteriorated and hurt version of a tribute. As if we'd all been through hell. Vallen: more torn apart than I'd last seen him. Perry: more than just a missing foot. "Torian!" I shout at the sight of him, blighted like the rest. None of it's real, I know that, but it feels real. And that's what's terrifying.

I look closer toward him, inspecting the wounds and horrors across his depiction. The pendant. It's still there, it's okay, untouched. Yellow, shining through the hologram. It's still there, he's okay.

"Everything's gonna be fine, Sunshine." I call out to him through the hologram. I wonder if he can hear it.

I turn back to Lillybird, a pair of knives in hand for a quick play. "Let's do this, yeah? Game on, as they say."

Table by Rave

ulysses attacks lillybird with their twin knives

attack one
eocjzBVFokknife
[ 2077 -- Shallow Cut on Stomach -- 4.0 damage ]

attack two
knife
[ 2156 -- Deep Gash on Right Thigh -- 8.0 damage ]

thread title: sun bleached flies by ethel cain

knife·knife

[d4 tati pelotte [azalea]]

♛

The sound of fluttering wakes me up. No nightmares again for another night, and I'm not sure if that's a blessing or a curse. It probably means that I'm going to live them in the day, which is fine, but I'd much prefer it when I'm asleep and nothing can really hurt me. Mental wounds might last longer but they are far easier to ignore.

Golden rays swipe through the branches of the trees, burning down onto my skin. The greenery does not hold the same vibrance that it used to in my eyes - it feels darker and more distasteful. Sometimes I think this arena is swallowing the souls of the people it has killed, collecting them to form something sinister that will seep up through the ground, through my feet and into my body. Maybe that would be a good thing - to be at one with it - because there's no point being fearful of something that you are.

Pixies dance in the wind, floating around until the begin to tug on my hair. I frown at them, trying to bat them away with a fist but their persistence is unrivalled. They want attention, okay, fine, they can have my attention. They push and pull me out of the sunshine and into the shade, my footsteps thundering on the treacherous forest floor with each second that goes by. I stumble upon reaching their desired destination because the weight of their force throws me off balance, and when they let go, I feel a thousand times lighter.

And in a blink, they disappear. They float off into the distance until all that I can make out is tiny, sparkling specks and a faint hum of buzzing wings. Good, I think, and don't come back.

The wood maintains the same ominous feel as the cornucopia; the same threat lingers in the air and the danger feels heightened. Dried blood lies crisp beneath my feet and I swear I can taste metal on my tongue. As the scene steadies itself in my mind, I realise that there is one thing that does not belong. 

A flickering and shimmering figure stands with me. Like glass, it is transparent, and it feels like a bittersweet memory has come to life. I follow the projection with my eyes until my worst fear becomes realised: it's M word. His face is contorted with pain and his body is covered with cuts and bruises. Though fierce and gruelling, M word is not this kind of fighter; he is the kind that would bite with his words and leave you questioning your self-worth for hours on end. Why is he so broken?

It's a haunting sight and it reminds me of him in the most unfortunate way possible. I don't want to think of him as beaten down and aching when he left me feeling like that after the Reaping. Because I'm beaten down and hurting too, I've got the wounds to prove it, but of course, he has to try and one-up me because I broke our promise.

But he looks so helpless. I reach out to touch him, to feel the comfort that he provided and to try and protect him but my fingers go straight through him. Because gone are the days of performing petty crimes together, playing chess with sticks and stones and acting out knock-knock jokes on strangers' doors. His image wavers and shifts, and I find myself wishing that I could bridge the gap between us and offer him some solace.

I can't and I won't, though. I'm not going to give in.

Behind M word's hologram, a second figure appears. Another boy, except this time, it's a real one because he shoots a wave in my direction and I awkwardly do the same back. I can tell that he's real because his skin is not nearly as rotten as M word's, although there's no way to be sure about the state of his mind.

"Let's do this, yeah? Game on, as they say." He says, flicking knives between his fingers before two of them launch through the air like bullets and cut into my skin.

It hurts, but I don't let myself think about it. I don't want to be like that depiction of M word - in fact, once I'm done with Ulysses, I think I'll find a way to get rid of that hologram for good. I don't need to be reminded of everything that I no longer have.

"Game on," I reply back to him, readying my sword in my hands. "You ever played chess? It used to be my favourite game. To win, you have to make a move, but it can't just be any move. It has to be the right one."

table by kaplan

[ lillybird attacks ulysses ; lily-hilted sword ]

wrA0GdWjATsword

[ 1144 -- Deep Gash on Cheek -- 8.5 damage + 1 blades ]

sword

[MATTIO]

U L Y S S E S.

I spread my arms out wide, daggers cutting high and low. As much as talking about arteries and essential organs should make me want to be more precise, an anything goes approach just feels right. Even a science kid like Torian hasn't swung his sword to take away a vein's blood flow. Shoot here, swing there! Unless something like what happened to Caspian happens, nothing is guaranteed to end the fighting. Chop off a head, rip out a heart. At the end of the day, overwhelming someone with injuries feels like the better long-term way to finish things.

"Game on. This, combined with Lillybird's initial wave, lets me know this isn't going to be one of those intense boss battles that keep everyone's eyes glued to the screen. I mean, David and Goliath didn't wave and say game on! before they started charging in and blasting a rock through the slingshot. What I'm getting at is that I feel like I have a chance. Perhaps the odds aren't completely stacked against me here!

"You ever played chess? It used to be my favourite game. To win, you have to make a move, but it can't just be any move. It has to be the right one." Her sword, held up by flowers befitting of her name, cuts across my face, cutting into my helmet and ripping it away. It reminds me of a saying that Grandma had on a plaque in the living room: Those who cast the first stone should be prepared to turn the other cheek. Oh, if only she lived by example! Oh… and if only I'd listened. Lillybird's sword is twice the size of both my knives combined, and it hits twice as hard. I take some steps back, sliding the knives back into my bag's pockets in exchange for my sword.

I smile back at Lillybird, thinking about what she said about chess. Strategic, delicate, drawn-out. "I'm more of a checkers fella myself. Plain and simple. Plus, the edges of the checker pieces at my house are really satisfying. When you get a really tall stack, you can roll them around on your arm and it's like a massage…" I go off on the tangent, eyes darting between Lillybird and Torian's fight around the other tree. He's fighting with Bellamy and Will's district partner. Thomas, I believe.

Blow for blow, the already deteriorating holograms look even worse. Added effect for the delusion, or actual injuries? Through the holograms, Thomas speaks in the direction of Torian. "I'm more than happy to get this done quickly. Do you prefer being stabbed in the eye or just decapitated?" Neither, neither, neither.

My voice carries in Torian and Thomas's direction. "Leave him alone or I'll find you and fuck you up myself, dude!" Their holograms are slightly past Lillybird, which gives me an inkling that wherever they are, it's in that direction. And I'll need to pass her to get to Torian.

"As you can see, I've got a lot riding on this. Chess and checkers… they're played on the same board, anyway. "

I never cared much for chess, anyway. Too complicated for me to get a hold of. I grip my sword and swing at Lillybird.

Table by Rave

[ ulysses attacks lillybird with their mirrored sword ]

MMqjfAmI0vsword
[ 1188 -- Miss -- 0.0 damage ]

accuracy re-roll for day 6
sword
[ 1185 -- Deep Gash on Stomach -- 9.0 damage ]

sword·sword

[d4 tati pelotte [azalea]]

♛

"I'm more of a checkers fella myself. Plain and simple. Plus, the edges of the checker pieces at my house are really satisfying. When you get a really tall stack, you can roll them around on your arm and it's like a massage..." He says. Oh? Okay. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm the only one with my head in this game. His eyes wander around, shifting between my body and another in the distance.

I can't help but feel like I'm the way of something. That feeling of being caught in the middle of something that you don't belong in - that's what I feel right now. It's lonely to not feel that same level of want, but maybe it's my fault for not making friends like everyone else. If I was less of a selfish protectionist then perhaps I'd have someone in this arena to fight for and to fight for me. Except, I don't have much at all - it's not a case of narcissism preventing me from branching out, though, because I don't really like myself at all. Trust is a fragile thing and in a hell like this, it is poisoned. Backs are made to be stabbed, and if nobody has mine, then I'm okay.

All I really have to fight for is M word, and that's not even for the right reasons anymore. It's not a case of wanting to see him and hug him and tell him that everything will be okay now, because at that point, I will have won. It's not about that at all, because maybe I am a narcissist in some ways because I want to revel in the glory of watching him rage at my success. I want to smile as the glint in his eye disappears when he realises I did this for all the wrong reasons: for the starlight to crash into me and not him. And I'll shout a thousand things at him, none of which are good, and only when I am satisfied with whatever revenge plot I've come up, only then will I think about forgiveness.

Because he left me in that room, hoping for the best and expecting it too. It made everything feel so cold, so hollow that I questioned whether or not our friendship meant anything. Now I realise that it never really did. Seeing his hologram hurt tugs on my heartstrings but it does not change how I feel; I am red hot when I think about him and I won't be cooled for anyone.

I suppose Ulysses is in the way of something too.

"As you can see, I've got a lot riding on this. Chess and checkers... they're played on the same board, anyway." Ulysses continues on, eyes constantly flickering between me and whatever he fights for. 

"So do I," I tell him, moments before a sword slashes at my stomach. Blood trickles out from the wound like a gentle creek, but there's nothing soft about this moment. Reality is harsh and though I can feel the pain in the forefront of my mind, I force it into a corner. That can be dealt with later, just like everything else about myself that this arena has damaged. Time is too precious now. "My friend didn't come to say goodbye after the Reaping, and that hurt me more than any wound in this place. I'm doing this out of spite. I want to win to hurt him back and I don't care how wrong that is, because for me, that's the only thing that feels right."

I sigh and shoot a glance over to M word's failing hologram. Tired eyes, collar bones protruding like you could shake him and he'd rattle, hands cut and calloused by simply wanting to stay alive. But it isn't enough - and I am enough, I think, because I've looked like that hologram and still managed to get back up and fight. Completely selfish in my act, heart burning like the sun because I want the world to see that I belong to them.

"It's complicated. I'm complicated," I say blankly, sword in hand. The lily hilt catches my attention and I really hope that it was made for me. "Just like chess."

It's a game of infinite possibilities, but I only want one.

table by kaplan

[ lillybird attacks ulysses ; lily-hilted sword ]

y3OSRSTQz6sword

[ 1001 -- Shallow Cut on Back -- 4.0 damage ]

sword

[MATTIO]

U L Y S S E S.

Every blow between the holograms in Torian's corner is a frightening one. Torian, then Bellamy, then Thomas. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Just as I told him a few days ago, Torian's a strong kid, stronger than he might afford himself credit for. "Neither. I'd rather be stabbed through the heart, if you can manage." I flinch at the thought. Always so honest, even to the point of his own pessimism. Torian and Bellamy take powerful swings at Thomas, and his hologram falls to the ground.

I breathe a sigh of relief as Torian makes it away from Bellamy alive. Protect the kids first, yourself second. That's how it's been all my life. "Come and find me, dude!" I shout as the blighted version of him gets further and further away.

Back to the matter at hand. Lillybird. I give her the time to talk and speak her mind. It's the least I can do, allow someone to get things off their chest before they can't anymore. Of course, there's a shot I die too. But I'll go first, as a courtesy. She talks about the desire to get back at an ex-friend where it hurts. Hurt them as they hurt her. Win to spite everyone who doubted her. The battles around us drag forward, one after another ending. The standing blights pull apart and into the distance. Surely with each fight ending, the pressure drags over to us. No one else to watch.

"It's complicated, I'm complicated. Just like chess."

Everyone seems to be at one point or another. Lillybird's sword charges toward my chest. I turn back, trying to deflect the blade as much as I can. The tip pierces through my chest plate, loosening some of the ties that kept it firm against my torso. I turn back to face her, ready to say my peace and give advice where I can. "It's complicated. That's why it hurts when someone you consider a friend doesn't understand."

I take a few steps back, buying as much time as I can to say what I have to. "The difference between hurt and spite is that with spite, it doesn't seem like they took the time to try." I think of my grandparents. The minute they started taking care of me, it felt like an added obligation. None of us learned to adjust. We lived as opposites, two poles of a magnet refusing to connect. I lost a father. They lost a son.

"All we've got going for us is the willpower to push on. You might have to settle for something other than going back home. From personal experience, never saying goodbye hurts nothing else." Never said goodbye to Mom. Never said goodbye to Dad. You don't think of those things, especially when they're young. I take two steps forward and swing at Lillybird with my sword, hopefully with willpower stronger than hers.

Table by Rave

ulysses attacks lillybird with their mirrored sword

7_L6ImpfEdsword
[ 1049 -- Shallow Cut on Stomach -- 4.0 damage ]

sword

[d4 tati pelotte [azalea]]

♛

The board and all of its pieces stand in silence. Swallowed by the thick air and the danger it holds, my body begins to feel wooden; plagued with the understanding that I could potentially end up as just another part in someone else's story. I don't want that to happen, though - in fact, I'd rather kill than let that happen. That is why I'm here: desperate for revenge because it's the only thing I know how to do well. 

All I need is this chance. I'm not going to beg for my own forgiveness despite my selfishness because whatever happens after life does not matter to me. There's too much for me to accomplish here, in the now, at home. There's so many words I've yet to say and so many wounds I've yet to inflict. I am a thousand stars hanging overhead in the night, threatening with each shine to cascade across the sky and land in your heart. On fire, with no sign of burning out - this is how the world wants me to be, it's what they need from me, and so, I'll be it.

"The difference between hurt and spite is that with spite, it doesn't seem like they took the time to try. All we've got going for us is the willpower to push on." Ulysses says, their sword raised into the air to deal another blow to my scarlet body. "You might have to settle for something other than going back home. From personal experience, never saying goodbye hurts nothing else."

Ulysses doesn't understand that there is no second option for me. I had died by my own doing back in Five and lived a second life with M word, carefree and wild, young and in charge for the very first time. I want to feel that again without the emotional ties of family - chosen or otherwise. I want to be truly free for the sake of my own pleasure, because why would I need to apologise for anything when the world would fall at my feet for something as simple as a smile?

Maybe I am just sick, and maybe that's where this problem all began. Maybe I should've taken M word not coming to say goodbye as a sign that everything would be downhill from there. And when that tear rolled down my cheek, I should've been more afraid than ever because that was a thousand times more painful than any death I had died before. But I don't think I am, and I don't think I was wrong to do what I have done - I don't want someone else to tell me that settling for something other than what I've always wanted is okay to do. It's not okay to do, it's not what I set out to achieve. I don't want to be held hostage by someone's mind and be nothing more than a ghost.

I want to feel the best whilst doing the worst. Unapologetic like a brute who has a force that cannot be tamed, I want to revel in the power that the spotlight provides. Aflame for the sake of attention, burning until my wooden body becomes stone.

"That just isn't what I came here to do. I told you, I'm complicated, and in my head, I've been trying to map this out for weeks." I think of how the silence used to consume me in a different way, in a way that did invoke a sense of fear because it meant that something terrible was coming. I don't think something terrible ever actually came, I think it was just me. "I might have to settle. Settle." I scoff, looking at the bloody ground. "I'm sorry, Ulysses, but I can't do that. I can't and I won't."

The chess board we play on feels smaller. The walls are closing in and our pieces are tumbling away. Ulysses plays checkers and I play chess. Ulysses likes the way the pieces fit and feel in their hands, but I like the way only one of those games has a queen.

My mission has always been simple: to win, but it has never felt more fleeting than this. Everything depends on making the right move, on taking away the pieces of Ulysses that matter so that I can keep playing. 

"I've got more than willpower. Maybe you're right about never saying goodbye hurting, maybe that'll hurt him without me needing to, but oh my god, to rub salt in the wounds and feel that rush..."

I inhale sharply, closing my eyes. For a second, it feels like I can taste retribution.

"No... no," I think it over in my head and deny myself premature pleasure. "To settle would be to surrender. There's no pride in that."
 

table by kaplan

[ lillybird attacks ulysses ; lily-hilted sword ]

_7D6BBWmk0sword

[ 1009 -- Severed Right Ear -- 8.0 damage +1 blades ]

sword

[MATTIO]

U L Y S S E S.

I know that trying to convince someone who's been brewing a revenge scheme like Lillybird has is a long shot. She says as much, that she mapped out everything since the moment whatever happened between her and her friend. "I might have to settle… settle." Her tone tells that it might not be good enough. "I'm sorry Ulysses, but I can't do that, I won't do that." My sword finally managed to get through the chest plate around her torso, now torn in two. Clean cuts from here on out, I hope.

If Lillybird likes to play chess, that's fine by me. She can be a mastermind at the game, moving piece after piece in hopes of getting the best of her opponent. There's chess, and then there's checkers. One's complicated, one's not. One exhausts the brain of strategy while the other has about three sentences worth of rules. Lillybird claims that her willpower is stronger and that the desire to see the look on her friend's face is just too tempting. If I were to live and return to District Eleven, I wouldn't step foot back into my grandparents' house. Moving on– without them– is what I want, whether that means surviving or dying here.

She breathes in some confidence to continue, fresh air reviving the rush she spoke about in real-time. "To settle would be to surrender. There's no pride in that." She won't back down from her stance. To her, getting revenge needs to be tangible. She has to see it with her own eyes. It's hard not to compare everything to my own situation. Revenge on Grandma and Grandpa for me would be never seeing them again because it'll prove that I can live and I can die happily without them. So desperate to fix their oldest grandson, they tried to make me pose for silly family photos and begged me not to dye my hair. They believed it would ruin me, that a deviant personality would kill me. I'm alive and well (for now, at least,) and I've never been happier than in the past six days with Caspian, Jayson, and Torian.

Lillybird's sword cracks against the side of my head, rattling my helmet and tearing it away in one blow. Any closer, and it might've cut my ear off fully. Whatever rush she felt inspired her to land a nasty blow. "I'll just warn you, Lillybird. Play a game of chess all you want, but it'll crush you if you lose. Dying with the hope that you'll live to see that day sounds miserable."

I move forward to swing again. Checkers takes, like, fifteen minutes. Chess much, much, long. I know which one I'd take. "So hey, don't settle. I love me a little vengeance. But that's a goal, I don't think it should be an expectation."

Setting expectations low has been my key to living a satisfying life.

Table by Rave

ulysses attacks lillybird with their mirrored sword

S|UCCHdl7Fsword
[ 1025 -- Severed Left Hand at Wrist -- 9.0 damage ]

sword

[d4 tati pelotte [azalea]]

♛

The arena reeks of iron and the forest floors have been painted red. I don’t think there’s any way of knowing what blood belongs to who anymore because it all fades into one hellish masterpiece on the ground. Deep crimson in colour, the pools look endless and inviting, as if they too are their own portal to another world. Perhaps if I was truly demonic, I’d be able to see my reflection in them, but the fact I can’t means that there’s some humanity still in me.

It would always be difficult to rid myself of the fibres that make me human. Because being human is an eternal thing that goes beyond death, unfortunately, even though I wish it wasn’t like that. Sometimes I wonder if the brutes that win these games with ease aren’t really human at all - did they have the same sleepless nights as I did? Did they question every move their allies made because they wondered if curiosity would get the better of them and kill the cat that killed the mouse? I wish I was like them, if so, because God, it would be so much easier.

I lie to myself to keep myself going - I tell myself that it doesn’t hurt, and that it will never hurt if I simply don’t let it - which is false. Because with each slice Ulysses makes against my skin, I start to feel it more and more. And the blood becomes impossible to ignore when it’s dribbling from every part of my body, staining my skin. There’s no purple rain to wash it away, there are no golden rays to cauterise the wounds and there’s no teal ocean pools to relive the sting. Every ocean is tainted by a sick sea foam, and the rain is acid, and the sun isn’t really the sun at all - it’s hell, coming closer and closer.

So be it. I’m not afraid of it.

If this arena is a chess board, then I’ll keep moving dangerously and as I please. Knocking on death’s door might just be the best revenge after all. The world is watching and maybe they will hate him just as much as me, and maybe that will have to be enough if I can’t be.

I look to Ulysses and drag my sword up off of the ground. Dried blood crusts off revealing a wet layer underneath and it trickles down to the end of the blade like a country creek. But there’s no serenity here, there’s not even a fraction of peace. My mind is riddled with violence and I am desperate to see it through.

“I’m not afraid of being crushed. Why should I be?” I ask him plainly. Maybe he thinks we’re similar - I certainly don’t. “I won’t die with that hope, I’ll die in the safety of knowing it was all worth it.” 

But dying has to be done another day, I think, as my feet stagger along the ground. It can’t be today. It can’t be and it won’t be. I play chess and Ulysses plays checkers. 

Maybe I’ll win the long game. 
 

table by kaplan

[ lillybird attacks ulysses ; lily-hilted sword ]

dXleu2ynQPsword

[ 1178 -- Shallow Cut on Right Calf -- 3.5 damage ]

sword

[MATTIO]

U L Y S S E S.

There is no difference between us and the blighted holograms now. Swords swing back and forth like impatient pendulums, waiting for the action to subside. Neither of us looks as dramatized as the versions of Torian or Larissa sprinting away around us, but we've come a long way in this fight. Torn hands and torn ears, words of metal spat out on the ground. Everything slows, each sudden movement becoming its own chapter in a story. For all the talk about not caring if I live or die, my cells cling to the former.

"I'm not afraid of being crushed. Why should I be?" That's good if she's not afraid of being disappointed with the result. There are still so many of us alive, death is the likely ending for both of us. I'm not sure of the exact number. Sleeping through the anthem has become a norm for me. I don't want to count how many of us are left anymore. I don't want to know who's alive and who's dead. Jayson, I haven't seen him in the holograms. He's probably hiding somewhere away from the fighting… yep. I look back to Lillybird as she continues. "I won’t die with that hope, I’ll die in the safety of knowing it was all worth it." If anything, whoever let her leave without saying goodbye has to live with knowing she's hurt by it. She's said over and over here how she hates him for it. The speakers in District Five are surely blasting that in his ears now.

"You shouldn't be afraid to be crushed. That's not what I meant. Mastermind your way to revenge all you like, just have a backup plan to find peace if it doesn't work out." Wow… Ulysses. How inspirational you sound! Life comes at you fast. When Mom and Dad died, I craved revenge. I kicked every piece of pavement they would walk to at work, smashing the plates of the food they ate. I tormented chain link fences at the district's border for holding us captive. I thought I wanted revenge, but I wanted more time. I wanted peace. I wanted to know that they'd be safe and that I'd be safe too.

Converging upon death is a black hole, absorbing the precious memories until we forget all but the haunting moments of the wake.

"But hey, what do I know? Peace might be the last thing you need." Who am I to tell someone I met like three minutes ago how to process and grieve? The pendulum swings back, bittersweet once more. I don't want to do this, but I've got to.

Table by Rave

ulysses attacks lillybird with their mirrored sword

1VGjJcmWojsword
[ 1152 -- Shallow Cut on Right Forearm -- 3.5 damage ]

sword

[d4 tati pelotte [azalea]]

♛

Revenge is the sweetest when served cold. Like a body or a pawn swiped away from the playing table - there’s no animation or emotion left, just a cruel bitterness that seeks to devastate the soul. To have such a long-lasting effect on someone would be a statement that would be unforgettable, because how could someone ever forget the person who damned them for all of eternity? The power that could reside in my hands if the stars aligned and fell like a thousand tiny knives.

If only, I think - because my head hurts and so does my body. It does not mean I will give up, though. I’ve got more than my willpower to fight for; I have reasons to be doing what I’m doing. I have an insatiable sickness to revel in the spotlight that could be placed on me if I were to succeed at my mission. No time for apologies or emotion, no room for intensity - just desire, as deadly and destructive as it comes. I have realised that the danger is my becoming. So on this fine line between life and death, I feel the pain but dance in it. And they can all watch, because like it or not, I will not go down just because they will it of me.

“I don’t need a backup plan. Peace? I don’t want that. I reject peace. There’s more comfort in the chaos I can create than any peace could provide because the power is in my hands. I like that feeling. Don’t you?” I say, eyes glaring at Ulysses sword which is glazed with my dark blood. There must be the same sentiment shared to some extent because there’s no rejection from Ulysses. The bloodshed is just as comforting to them too.

“But hey, what do I know? Peace might be the last thing you need.”

“Exactly,” I spit. “We’re all complicated. Peace can’t be your priority either, but that’s okay. It’s normal. You want me dead and that’s the proof.”

If I wanted peace, I’d have looked at the hologram of M word and forgiven him in an instant. I’d have felt sorry for him and tried to heal the digital wounds on his body - to no avail, obviously, but I would have tried. There isn’t space in my heart for that anymore. I’ve rejected that. My eyes are red with rage and my tunnel vision is like a bullet, mind locked and loaded and the target is on his real body.

“We’re all evil - some of us just realise it before the rest and embrace it whilst they still can.”

I shake my head and look to the ground. If it swallows me whole right now, it would spit me back out.

“I’ll get my revenge, dead or alive. I get that. My checkmate is secured. But what about you? How’s your game of checkers ever going to end when you like the feel of the pieces too much?” 
 

table by kaplan

[ lillybird attacks ulysses ; lily-hilted sword ]

zvVgyuYfxwsword

[ 1051 -- Deep Gash on Cheek -- 8.5 damage +1 blades ]

sword

[MATTIO]

U L Y S S E S.

"Peace? I don’t want that. I reject peace. There’s more comfort in the chaos I can create than any peace could provide because the power is in my hands. I like that feeling. Don’t you?"

I shake my head, no. I don't think our versions of chaos are at all similar. I like the pestering sort of chaos, making people squirm or feel the utmost unpleasant vibes. That has always been the plan, making people focus on me and not on anything else. The past six years for me have been like a cat swiping porcelain vases off of the countertop. Lillybird… I can't shake off the feeling that her chaos has pain involved, revenge with the relentless intent to hurt. Hurt versus keep away.

"We’re all complicated. Peace can’t be your priority either, but that’s okay. It’s normal. You want me dead and that’s the proof." Thoughts connect like constellations in the sky as Lillybird's anger grows. The conversation was relatively tame and not accusatory aside from the chess and checkers metaphors. "We're all evil, some of us just realize it before the rest and embrace it while they still can."

Angry and rogueish, sure. But I don't think either of us are evil by any means.

"My checkmate is secured. But what about you? How’s your game of checkers ever going to end when you like the feel of the pieces too much?"

With both of us looking worse for wear, the conversation seems to be coming full circle. Last words or final realizations, anyone? I think about it while her sword slices against my cheek, diagonal like the bishops of chess and the everyday piece of checkers. Eight-by-eight boards, the blade goes from my cheek to my forehead.

"I don't want you dead. I need you to die if I want a shot at winning. It's cruel and unlucky, but it's the reality. It's not a wish, it's a necessity."

I pull my sword through the dry earth, readying it like an underhanded swing sword Lillybird. "As for the checkers, I don't know. I don't need to be playing to hold onto the pieces. So long as someone doesn't steal the pieces, I'll always feel something."

When the game ends, please don't take the pieces away. Lillybird's deep red blood floods my sword, more crimson splattering through the wind as it flies through the air.

Please let me still feel something when all is said and done.

Table by Rave

ulysses attacks lillybird with their mirrored sword

nbb1SzclLGsword
[ 1058 -- Shallow Cut on Left Hip -- 3.5 damage ]

sword

[d4 tati pelotte [azalea]]

♛

The blade cuts against his face, spilling more blood onto the board we play on. I threaten my presence: I lean against the handle of my sword as the end pierces the stained glass ground gently, the weight of my limp body almost turning it into a hundred shards of devastation. The rolling green vegetation of this arena seems distant despite being so vivid; it is impossible to replace the newfound darkness with anything even remotely light.

Ulysses says that they need me to die for them to win. To be told that someone else needs you to die feels like a very empty thing to say - in the context of the Hunger Games, I don’t think needing that violence is an appropriate thing to say. Because if it were a real need, I’d have been dispatched a long time ago. Jumped over with the checkers that fit nicely in their hands, I’d become a part of something that I never intended. This is not like that. This is intentional: long and drawn out, deliberately brandishing each other with scars that’ll never really heal. I think every tribute wants this, to an extent, because nobody is a pacifist. It would be so easy to deny the world their entertainment but nobody does it.

It is not the necessity Ulysses says that it is. It is a want, and maybe one day, they will realise that. Or, maybe they won’t and maybe it will be too late before they get the chance. Either way - I stand up for the chaos I believe in and take pride in knowing that it is what I truly want. I want the bodies at my feet if it means a crown can be mine. I want blood on my hands if it means I can afford the luxury of having someone else wash it off. This violence is the most perfect choice a girl like me could ever make because I’m not a pawn.

“You can try to justify it all you want,” because the means to this end is really just a lie. Whatever makes someone else feel better, I guess, but they best be prepared for the day that reality crashes down and chokes them. When the pieces start to fall away and all that is left is real power - that is when they will realise that wanting it is not the damnation they think it is, and it is in fact a blessing.

“I don’t know. Sometimes it’s better to choose to feel nothing at all before the choice is made for you. There’s power in that.” I say because it is exactly how I have lived my life. I have faked my own death to create a new life in the harshest environment home had to offer. I begged, stole and borrowed just so that I could keep my eyes open long enough to see the sunset get draped with the pastel tones of sunrise, and then I’d do it all over again. That power feels so innate now that I cannot imagine myself, this life, without it.

Maybe that’s the real revenge: to know that I never really needed Marcus at all.

“You’ll always feel something? Best throw those pieces out now.” I push my lips together and look around. Everything throbs. If Ulysses kills me, feeling something will become an incurable plague. I’m glad I let that go. “Maybe it’s time to start learning chess.” 
 

table by kaplan

[ lillybird attacks ulysses ; lily-hilted sword ]

66_D86bnWMsword

[ 1083 -- Shallow Cut on Neck -- 4.0 damage ]

sword

[MATTIO]

U L Y S S E S.

"You can try to justify it all you want." There's no other choice, really. Justify this terrifying thing in order to survive it. Because no matter how badly someone might wish it, most people's bodies refuse to let them freely die. Even someone as sad and traumatized as Caspian survived for four straight days. "I don’t know. Sometimes it’s better to choose to feel nothing at all before the choice is made for you. There’s power in that." Lillybird may be trying to get me to give in or give up, but none of it's going to work. Torian (surely) and Jayson (hopefully) are still out there. I took one bathroom break yesterday and never saw them again in the flesh. I can't let that be the last time I heard them, or they heard me.

Her sword grazes my neck, reopening the wound I got from Luna a day back. "You’ll always feel something? Best throw those pieces out now. Maybe it's time to start learning chess."

Considering all the things that I learned in here over the past week, maybe life for ol' Ulysses back home wasn't the biggest drag of them all. Feeling something only brought Caspian pain. Feeling something typically went against Torian's science and logic. And Lillybird's so desensitized to feeling something that even the revenge she speaks of might not be enough to satisfy her.

"Eh, no thanks. I'm good." Chess, the game of logic, wisdom, and intelligence. None of those have ever been my thing. Checkers, on the other hand, has the right vibes. Casual, easy. People become professional chess players, but I've never heard of a professional checkers league. If a preference toward chess is what made Lillybird this way, then I'll pass ten out of ten times on the day. If the chess-checkers debate is an analogy for living life, checkers is the only way to go. With a life of chess, you never know if you'll be the King or Queen or just another pawn on the frontlines.

We're both seemingly on our last legs here. Three-quarters of the blood on my fae suit has come dripping down from the side of my face, making it hard to even keep my head up. But I've got my sword in hand, ready to go. I lunge forward now, as simple as checkers.

Table by Rave

ulysses attacks lillybird with their mirrored sword

OewSYLqWQesword
[ 1184 -- Deep Gash on Forehead -- 9.0 damage ]

sword