James McCoy resub D3 (done)

[Noah Vau - D2 (Cato)]

James McCoy
16

I've heard a lot of stories about Uncle Jim, and how he bravely fought through the 65th hunger games. I hope one day I'll be just as brave as him. Bravery doesn't come easy to me. I'm afraid of putting myself out there because I might get hurt. It's happened to me many times before, and I just want to build up these walls to keep myself safe and comfortable, but I think it does much worse than that at times. It's hard just being myself. I feel like I've never been good enough, and maybe it's true, or maybe I'm making it into reality. I have a handful of friends, but sometimes I feel like maybe I'm not really their friend. Right now, though, it's all I got. I just hope to one day prove myself wrong, and show myself that I can capable of succeeding even when things are going tough.

I get a lot of flak from people. It's easy for me to fool around with different gadgets and create things that will work. Technology is amazing, and I have this desire to be an engineer of some sorts one day. I work well with numbers and building things. It brings me great joy, and it gives me something to do with my life. Creating technology that works is something enjoyable. I've learned many ways not to do things in the process. I've exploded many batteries before by trying to wire them to turn on lightbulbs. I've melted wires. I've done some things that simply show me different ways of going about things. All of those past fails doesn't make me a failure, though. No, it taught me valuable lessons in life. The issue is, I struggle with basic things and communication skills is definitely one of them. It's hard to read a room sometimes, and that has gotten me into trouble.

It's hard for me to know when people are genuinely upset with me or if they're joking. Sarcasm always goes over my head, and I've had people tell me that I don't even know how to take a joke. It hurts hearing these things, and I always strive to do better just to get people to leave me alone. I've said too much in classes before and realize nobody actually laughs at what I find amusing. I don't understand why people get upset and uncomfortable around me. I feel like everyone should struggle with these things, but apparently it's not the case. I just don't get why people laugh at me. I like to have routine and organization, and without those things, I feel lost and confused, and it even makes me incredibly anxious at times. I try to be understanding of others, but why can't others be understanding of me?

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be a normal human being. I don't even know what normal is, but maybe I would be more accepted for who I am. Maybe I wouldn't have to worry about watching my back as I walk down the street just to make sure nobody is going to find me and pick on me. But I think being normal would be boring. I always have so many wonderful thoughts running through my head, and I'm always so excited to share them with others. I have a handful of friends, and they have my back completely even if I do annoy them sometimes, but they also annoy me. We're sort of similar in ways that many wouldn't understand, and when similar personalities are around each other too much, eventually we clash. It's okay, though, because we always work it out in the end. Coming to a common agreement is always the best thing. Compromising is important, and sometimes I feel as though I suck at it.

I love learning. Every day my goal is to learn something new, something that will help guide me through this life. Something that will help me stand out and maybe live up to the McCoy name. I often feel I let my family down, and it's hard. It's from my own standards because I always strive for excellence and perfection, but I know it's impossible to be perfect. Goal setting isn't easy, and I hate when people prove me wrong or tell me I've messed up. It's a hard pill for me to swallow, but I try. I try not to put myself on a pedestal since nobody is below me. It's difficult when someone starts questioning my intelligence. Some acquaintances love proving me wrong and showing me that I'm not the smartest person in the world, which I know is obvious because I'm sure others are much smarter than I am, but they find it funny when I have to own up to a mistake.

I've had a few humblings in life, and they're definitely important because they remind me I always need to learn, but due to the nature of those who humbled me, I have built up these walls because I don't want to let anyone in. I don't want people to get to know me out of fear they'll do the same thing. When I'm out walking around, I keep my head down hoping nobody sees me. It's easier that way. I go do grocery shopping, and then I go back home to my family. I don't have to go out much if I don't want to or feel like it. I just don't get why people find me just to kick me down. I've been hurt many times, and people at school have kicked me while I'm down. Maybe I am gullible and believe everyone around me. Maybe it's wrong of me to think everyone has my best intentions in mind. I know they don't, I just don't know how to make my brain fully realize and accept it.

One of my favorite things to do is to sit around in the living room hearing stories of Uncle Jim. It brings me joy knowing that my uncle was brave and strong despite being faced with hardships early on in his life. I wish I would have gotten the chance to meet him because I would love getting to know him. But I know that he lives on within me. He's in my heart and memories through the stories my family shares of him, and I look forward to the day I get to pass those stories down to my own children. He may be gone, but he's definitely not forgotten, and every day, I just hope I'm doing what I can to make him proud. I am doing my best, and that's all I can do. Sometimes it feels like it isn't enough especially when I'm stuck in my own head, but I try. That's all anyone can do is try.

I have a dream of opening my own technology store when I'm old enough and have the money. Of course, it won't be easy, but hard work always pays off. Maybe this is a way that I can put myself out there without any fear of being held back and denied basic things. I can also use this as a way to show anyone who doubted me that I'm capable of succeeding. I know this, but I want others to know it too. It's important. Having a dream is the start, and know all I want is to make sure that I'm doing the most out of what I have. I don't know if I'll ever reach this goal, but every day I'm going to work my way towards it. Making a name for myself is important, but maybe I should just lay low. I'll figure it out. For now, I take it one day at a time because thinking too far ahead is scary, and I don't feel like ruining everything that's coming my way.

[d6a georgie cham 🍓🐢 frankel]