Random Access Memories | Safina Roy

[Tyler]

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Safina Roy

Random Access Memories

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The creation of a creator.

Moments trapped in time,

memories etched into her mind.

Telling the story of how she was,

telling how she came to be.

The people who love her.

The people who shape her.

The people who will sing her song

should her voice go quiet.

They have begun their verse.

Do you hear how they sing?

Will you listen when they reach the chorus?

[Tyler]

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Safina Roy

I - Father

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A pair of toddlers run on stubby, unsteady feet. They weave in between the frail wooden legs of the table that commands the bulk of the tiny space. To them with this new and exciting skill however, this world has just tripled in size.

Their father works above, buried nose deep in the mess of papers that decorate the mysterious world that lies above the underneath of the table. In this moment the twin girls and their father are worlds apart, lost on the vastly different journeys their minds have embarked on.

Their mother and their older brother stand in the doorway, donning threadbare coats and scarves of a wool that threatens to unravel at the unfavourable change of a wintery wind. The mother speaks in words the twins are not yet old enough to understand. A pause, and then again, her voice a little louder this time. A grunt of acknowledgement makes its escape from the father in his paper world. The door opens up and the World Beyond the Door swallows up the mother and son before closing once more, satisfied with the meal it's just had.

The sound of the closed door reaches out and drags the girls out of their adventure world. The loss of two people doesn't go unnoticed. One of the girls begins to cry; a lament for her mother, o poor soul lost to the World Beyond the Door. A distracted sound of comfort leaves their father's mouth, but his eyes stay on his papers with an expression of intensity the girls had not yet learned to make themselves. The girl cries on.

Her twin looks from her to their father, and deduces that the papers have placed their father under their spell. It'll be up to her to help calm her sister down. She pulls out her best hugs and her invitations to play again, communicating in the wordless way that only they could understand. Slowly, the tears stop. Success. They can explore this new "walking" experience together once more.

They barely get a chance to loop the table a third time when suddenly their father is bursting from his seat, yelling with some papers in his hand. The twins cry out, oh no! Surely the papers have harmed him! But the sound of the yells are imbued with… excitement? Joy? Some kind of happy madness seems to have taken him over. The World Beyond the Door spits the mother and the brother back out at the sound of the yells, and suddenly father has mother in his arms and the madness of the papers falls over them both.

Then suddenly they're all in their parents' arms, looking at faces of pure elation and hope.

And the spell of the papers that their father unlocked changes their world forever.

[WC: 467]

[Tyler]

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Safina Roy

II - Mother

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"Let's go, Safina!"

The little girl reluctantly peels her face back from the glass that separated her from the sugary delicacies that were calling out to her, heeding instead her summons from the front of the shop. She bounces towards where her mother stands, the shield hiding Safina's mirror image of a sister from the scary world around her. Her mother stands tall and proud; a toddler scopes the room with her unyielding curiosity from one arm, a collection of bags dangle from the other, one bag more in number since Safina last saw it. The bump of her belly sits in between the two; her mother told her once that it's holding onto a little brother for her. She had pouted at the news; she already had one, Emon, who was currently halfway through the door leading outside. He was fun enough, sure, when he wasn't ruining it by being annoying. Why does she need another?

They leave the sweet smells of the shop behind and step out into the warm summer sunlight that lights up the square they find themselves now walking along. Back to their new home. A part of Safina missed their old place; she loved the smell of the old wood, and the earth on her feet, and the coziness of its room that let her see all of the people she loved whenever she wanted. The new house was nice, with so much more space to run around and play. She missed seeing her father, though. Since right before they left the house she loved behind, she hasn't seen him nearly as much as she used to.

Like a goose and her goslings, the gaggle meanders through the shop-lined streets, until their mother stumbled into a face she recognizes outside of a shop that smells of leather and polish. Safina recognizes it; one of her mother's new friends, adorned in her pearls and velvet and smelling like patchouli and mint. It's a smell that's common among many of their parents' new friends. She doesn't like the smell much, the burn lingers in her nose. But her parents must love it; they both light up with the energy of playtime when they're around it.

Mother and her new friend talk for longer than a 4-year-old's attention span lasts. Safina's eyes start to wander towards a girl standing across the avenue, and then her legs soon follow. She ignores the anxious cries of Sadiya, still nestled in the folds of their mother's freshly-pressed dress. This new girl reminds her of their old home and the kids that were once her neighbours. Her clothes are earthen and well-loved, her sandy hair dancing to its own music around her head, her bare feet free to feel all of the sensations below. Safina lights up - maybe she'll want to play!

"Hi, I'm Safina! What's your name?"

The potential new friend stops and looks, but doesn't reply. She only stares back with eyes like the moon in both size and colour, mouth slightly open in surprise. Safina doesn't understand why this girl looks at her like she's some sort of Mutt. For the first time in her short life, Safina feels self-conscious. Does she not like her new little dress? It was a special gift from her parents for her recent birthday; light blue with tiny embroidery flowers circling the hem at the waist. Her sister had gotten the same thing in lavender. Safina had absolutely adored it - wishing she could wear it every day if only her parents would allow it - but now, as the girl's eyes stayed focused on one of the tiny flowers, something felt… wrong about it.

"Safina! What are you doing? Stay away from her!"

The booming sound of her mother's voice startles the pair of young girls. Safina turns, terrified. She's never heard her mother yell like this. She's never had her mother grab her like this, whisk her away like this. She must have done something really bad, it's the only explanation. So when she finally builds the courage to glance at her mother's face and witness the fury that surely awaits, she's surprised to see only the slight signs of anger on a face of worry. The face Safina had when she had to run to the bathroom in the dark of night at their old house, afraid of the monsters that hide there, trying to go quickly to leave them behind. But it's the middle of the day, who is her mother trying to leave behind? When she looks to Emon and Sadiya for answers, she's met with only with the same looks of question.

She chances a question. "Did I do something wrong mommy?"

Her mother sighs, the worry softens on her face . "Sorry, Safie, you're not in trouble." Then she addresses all three sets of eyes looking up at her. "I know a lot has been changing lately, my loves. But it's change for the good. You will all meet a bunch of nice, new, good little boys and girls you can make friends with. Boys and girls like that are…" she hesitates for a moment, "…well, they aren't the best choice for friends now."

Safina is confused at her mother's words. How was this sandy-haired girl any different from the other kids she used to run around with? The ones that lived next door, or down the street, back at their old house?

What had changed?

It would be years before she understood what her mother had meant.

[WC: 924]

[Tyler]

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Safina Roy

III - Emon

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Safina sits at the breakfast table, staring down at the chilled porridge that has been waiting patiently under her gaze for the past half hour. She's been stirring it steadily, never lifting the spoon to her mouth but trying to lose herself in the rhythmic sounds of metal hitting ceramic.

She doesn't feel hungry this morning.

Nor are any of the others gathered around the thick pinewood table, each with their own neglected bowls of porridge. Despite the warm glow of the morning light dancing through the stained glass window her mother had fondly made a few years back, Safina can't shake the chill filling the room and suffocating the air. It is rare that she sees her entire family in one spot; her parents with their constant work on the next Capitol project, any one of her five siblings can be off on some sort of personal endeavour at any given time. Yet with a full house gathered for family breakfast, not a word has been uttered. Everyone busy trying to forget what's about to pass.

This reaping day is special. This is Emon's first.

Safina chances another quick glance at her older brother before hurriedly looking away again, as if looking at the poor boy was driving needles into her eyes. They're enough to see that he's pale as a ghost, and that he hasn't moved a muscle. His eyes are staring off into a world only he can see, and the creatures within are terrifying.

Soon they are forced to leave their breakfast and get dressed in their nicest clothes. It has been Safina's favourite part of the gruesome day in years past; Her mother would take her and her siblings out to the shops in the busiest part of the district, not far from the Justice Building, and they would each get to pick out something new to wear. She and Sadiya loved trying to match, relished in the comments that would follow after the reaping had gone by and the weight on the District eased. "Wait a minute, who is who?" "Are you suuure you're not Sadiya?". She had particularly liked last year, when they both selected dresses of yellow and amber silk, with tiny black beads sewn in to give off the impression that they were a pair of shimmering bees buzzing around.

That was when Emon was 11. Now he's 12. There's no room for joyful buzzing knowing what this could mean. This year, they will all wear something sombre, plain, and dark. Her older brother, the pest that he could be, could be whisked away from her life completely in a matter of hours. All because he turned 12. And if he isn't picked this time, he'll still have to go through it next year. And then the next. And by then it'll be Safina and Sadiya who are 12. Then Dina, then Riyaad, then Tevin.

She would never look forward to Reaping day again.

Soon, and much sooner than anyone wished, they were all ready to head to the square. Each step felt like an eternity to take, but as the time arrived to take the next she was wishing it had lasted longer. How strange it was to be so terrified for her annoying, pestering brother. Who would've thought.

The time came for Emon to take his spot among the candidates of reaping age. Down the line they all hugged him, taking longer to let go than usual. It was still not enough time. Young, sweet Dina burst into tears, her mother stooping down to calm her. To Safina it looked like her stern eyes were wetter than usual. As she saw the hand of Tevin waving cheerfully at the retreating back of his older brother, Safina too couldn't hold back the tears that had been threatening to spill out. Her 5 year old brother, protected by his innocence, too young to understand what was going on.

They watch as the reaping of the 89th Hunger Games goes by. A girl with a fiery head of hair is called, but Safina can barely focus on anything but her brother, listening only for the sound of his name. She doesn't even dare to breathe.

A name is called. It's not Emon.

And like that, the cloud that hung over the heads of the Roy family dissipated as if swept up by the wind. Her brother was safe!! She watched a handsome older boy take the stage. She was elated it wasn't her brother.

That evening the family celebrates with a feast for their whole family, as well as the families of some of the other families who were faced with a fresh reaping this year. Her parents had busied themselves all afternoon making sure everything was perfect; they were joined by a man named Alfonsi, a Capitol man who was hiring her father to work on a project for him. There was always an air of secrecy to what the project was, but Safina knew enough to know that Alfonsi was an important man. "If this all goes well," she once heard her father telling her mother, "he'll want me to continue. Us to continue. We'd be set up for life!"

The man-of-the-hour was as outlandish as the rest of the Capitol people Safina had ever seen; his flawless skin was as pale as the snow and free from all signs of blemish. Only his eyes showed the signs of crows feet, which seem to have been intentionally emphasized with a shiny substance so that they sparkled when the light hit them. It had the effect of somehow making his smile seem even larger. His hair was coiffed in carefully laid golden curls, sealed close to his head.

Alfonsi, like a good gentleman, greeted each of the children with a twinkling warmth. As he reached his turn to greet Safina, she noticed he smelled strongly of citrus. She didn't particularly like the smell.

Her interaction with the Capitol man was polite and pleasant enough. "Your father told me you've taken an interest in building things! If you keep it up, maybe one day you'll be as good as your dad!" She couldn't deny that the flattery hadn't softened her up to him a bit. And it didn't escape her notice that he didn't say the same to Sadiya. She couldn't wait to poke a little fun at her sister over it. As she listened to the man greet Emon, however, all feelings of superiority drained out of her. "You must be young Emon! I have been waiting to meet this extraordinary talent I've been hearing a lot about. Is it true you've been working on…" Safina doesn't hear the rest, as her brother and father disappear off to have a conversation. Without her. If she wasn't still so relieved to have Emon still around she might have let herself be more than a little bit jealous.

Eventually the food ran low and the hour ran late, and guests began to empty out until only the Capitol man was left feeling the hospitality of the Roy family. He made his departure close to midnight, with a grandiose wave and a wink. Safina noticed her brother waving particularly enthusiastically, a book she had never seen before in his other arm clutched to his chest.

She could just make out the shape of the Capitol seal hidden on the cover beneath his arm.

She shivered in the airs of change, and couldn't stop feeling that something had irreversibly shifted from the way things had been before she opened her eyes this morning.

[WC: 1268]

[Tyler]

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Safina Roy

IV - Sadiya

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"Come on, Sadie" Safina calls out, her twin running to catch up with her. They meet once again and the pair sprint off towards the doors of the imposing building of concrete and steel that houses the classroom they're trying to reach in the 3 minutes that remain. A malfunction of the electrical clock Emon had recently made for them meant there was nothing but a shortage of time on a day where an abundance would help greatly.

The bell sounds as the pair push down the hallway. They turn the corner, their goal in sight, and a stern woman standing in its threshold. Her arms crossed over her chest, her face contorted into a familiar scowl. Ms. Parona's nickname among students, The Grouch, was well earned. "Sadiya. Safina. You're late."

The girls blurt out their apologies and their assurances it won't happen again, The Grouch warns them there will be consequences if it happens again. They know it's all talk though; how many other times have they been late this year already, only a few months in? Never once has there been any follow through on any consequences. Not when Safina's at the top of the class, excelling beyond the capacity of any students with perfect punctuality. And with the twins, there's no punishing one without the other. Inseparable in every facet of life: they eat together, sleep in the same room, play with the same friends, take the same classes. If one were to be punished, the other would be sure to go as well.

Despite being led by The Grouch, this was one of Safina's favourite classes. At 13 years old, this was the first time they were old enough to take classes on Engineering. According to their parents there was no class more important for the Roy family to take. Emon had been a natural. It was the girls' turn to earn their place in the family legacy.

Today is particularly exciting, a test of a project they had been working on for ages. A week prior each student had received a rock and a bottle of glue, with instructions on creating a vehicle that would transfer the rock from the top of one artificial hill to the top of another, in the little diorama sitting on The Grouch's desk. A single wire was strung between the two summits.

Students line up with their creations and test them one by one. Many fall apart, or get stuck along the wire, or struggle to climb up the second hill after descending from the first. The excited energy in the room fades into disappointment as Safina's turn arrives. She places her contraption along the wire: a gondola made of neat scraps of wood and glue, with a corkscrew fan at the rear. She places the rock in the basket in the center of her contraption and gives it a tiny push. The gondola whirrs without problem down to the middle of the rope, wind traction beginning to spin the corkscrew behind it. The dip in the middle, where so many students found themselves stuck. The corkscrew turns and the gondola continues. Safina had done it, the first to make it across. As the rock touches down, cheers erupt around the room. Even The Grouch is unable to resist a few comments of approval.

Nobody sees Sadiya place her gondola on the wire in the aftermath. Nobody sees it whir down towards the middle of the wire and past the roadblock that hindered the others. Only when the glue comes loose and the gondola crashes down does attention turn from the success of one sister to the catastrophe of the other. The Grouch tuts away, the class turns their eyes back on the star of the day. None are there to see the darkening face of a decision being made.

When the bell rings, Sadiya does not wait for her sister to finish packing her bags. She does not wait for her sister to walk home with her. She does not acknowledge Safina at dinner. She avoids Safina's pleas to talk and instead busies herself with Emon. She does not wish her twin sister a good night.

Now, in the mornings, there are two girls who walk to school alone.

[WC: 711]

[Tyler]

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Safina Roy

V - Dina

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Safina watches her twin make eye contact with her before she turns away, bringing the friends Safina once shared along to another table. The friends that remain sit silently, out of words of consolation but full of looks of pity at the fracture that has been months in the making. It is the breaking point of the poor girl who doesn't understand what had caused Sadiya, who used to go through everything in life by her side, to split apart. She doesn't understand why her sister keeps pushing the crack open wider and wider so that now it feels like they stand on opposite sides of a canyon.

And she can't bear it.

Tears are falling silently from her eyes. Her twin does not care. Her friends pretend not to notice. She doesn't see a different girl, sitting at a different table, surrounded by a table overflowing with genuine friends. She misses the concern spread on the features of her face.

She walks home alone, as she has done for months now. She forces herself to take each step. She tries to keep focus on each foot as her eyes blur from the tears she tries to hold back. Not yet. No more crying yet.

It takes what feels like a lifetime to make it home. She rushes to her room, she shuts her door, she curls up on her bed. She cries. She cries. She cries. She does not know how long she cries.

There is a knock at the door. She ignores it. The door creaks open. Her face is buried in the safety of her pillow. The voice rings out.

"Saf? Are you okay?"

It is not Sadiya coming to apologize. It's the voice she never expected to hear. She raises her tear-stained face to find another sister, sweet and young, concern creasing her eyebrows. Dina sits down on the bed beside her, wraps her arms around her big sister. "Is this about Sadie?"

The love rushes in to fill the space that loss had emptied from her, and fills her up until it pours out in a new wave of tears. She tears down the wall she built to the world and lets her in. Loveable, sociable Dina, who people can't help but love. Who has the ability to choose anyone to be her friend. Who chooses her older sister before anyone else. Who lets her cry herself out with soothing rubs on her shoulders.

The tears subside and she feels the warmth of love shining on her. Dina asks "hey, can you show me that new gadget you've been working on? It sounds so cool!"

She does.

[WC: 442]

[Tyler]

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Safina Roy

VI - Riyaad

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The morning of the Reaping for the 95th Annual Hunger Games had arrived. In her yearly fashion, Safina found it hard to get out of bed despite being wide awake. Year after year it never got easier. She stared at her ceiling as she remembered the reapings she had already faced. Four sleepless nights, four late mornings, eight names drawn, four returns home. Four reapings, and today would mark the fifth time she had to stand up straight and hold her breath as she waited to see whether her number was up.

But today was harder than the other years. Today, there would be five Roys tested by fate. Five names to silently pray do not get picked. The odds had never been worse.

She headed downstairs where the silent breakfast awaited her. It always felt ironic how the rare occasions her family could eat together ended up being the quietest meals around the table. This time, however, the energy hadn't felt its usual sombreness.

She sat next to Riyaad, a month into his twelfth year. He sat like a ghost in the flashlight, dressed neatly in a fine blue button-up shirt and hair neatly combed, unable to take wide eyes off of the plate of porridge in front of him. Safina felt the pang of older sister worry course through her. It had been bad enough seeing Dina during her first reaping a few years prior, but she had seemed stronger about it. Perhaps it was the 4 years between them, or perhaps it was the lack of the boisterous charm he brought into a room, but today she couldn't help but feel that he was much younger. Far too young to face this.

At the other end of the table, the silence had been broken. Safina's eyes darted to where her parents sat , in casual conversation with Emon. There had been no nervous energy on that end of the table. She heard her father mentioning the family business, Emon talk about a contract. Her older brother seemed completely unconcerned about his final reaping year.

Safina hadn't been the only one to notice. Riyaad had finally peeled his eyes away from his food to focus on his family. A laugh from Emon finally broke the spell of silence, opened the floodgates to the tears Riyaad didn't know he could cry. Safina turned to console him on one side, Dina on the other. Words of concern for a vulnerable member of the family. Sadiya and young Tevin looked on, chimed in with the odd comment meant to soothe.

There had been no consolation on the far end of the table, only dirty looks. The adults displeased that their business meeting had been interrupted. When father eventually spoke, it had not been words of comfort or wisdom that left his mouth.

"For Panem's sake, Riyaad, pull yourself together! You have a duty to perform, I expect better composure today from you."

Disbelief had slapped Safina in the face, but the hand on her brother's shoulder had drawn her attention to a different reaction altogether. She felt him stiffen, start to wipe the tears from his face with a sniffle. When he looked over at his parents again, already turned back to their conversation, she saw betrayal in his eyes. She could sense that inside of him had been torn off and thrown away.

She sensed that the sweet younger brother she knew would never be the same.

[WC: 576]

[Tyler]

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Safina Roy

VII - Tevin

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Safina couldn't remember a worse fight than the one that had freshly broken out. She heard the cacophony of wood scraping and crashing down from the floor below as she worked, train of thought derailed as the shouts burst their way through the closed door to her sanctuary.

She knows what she will find, those voices are no stranger to her, their tones a familiar sound in the past year. The frequency of the fighting had been increasing between each bout. The intensity was different this time, though. The volume is what pulled Safina from the haven of her desk and sprinting down the stairs.

She found them at the table. At one end stood Riyaad, the remnants of his chair in pieces by his feet and his face tomato red from the strain of his yelling. Emon had stood at the other side, one hand a fist slammed down on the table, the other pointing at his younger brother. Safina could see the vein popping on his forehead. Poor Dina was cornered against the wall, tears flowing as she cowered from the battle but unable to tear her eyes away from the scene. Safina made her way over to her sister and wrapped her up in the safety of her arms. She, too, couldn't stop herself from watching as the scene unfolded.

"- You've got yourself shoved so far up the Capitol's ass that you can't see that they don't give a fuck about any of us in the Districts!"

"Watch your mouth you insufferable brat! What do you know about the Capitol, when you're barely able to scrape by in school? Everything we have is thanks to our work with the Capitol! Everything!"

"How can you be so delusional, Emon! You're a grown ass man now and yet you've let yourself be brainwashed into nothing more than a lapdog waiting for a gift of scraps from your Master -"

"Oh, well, I'll take being a lapdog over the street dog you're going to end up being if you keep this up! Good luck getting to keep a nice little job with all of this biting-the-hand-that-feeds-you you insist on doing! See how your mind might change when you're out begging on the street-"

"Well if your precious Capitol has its way maybe I'll die in one of its precious little Games before then-"

"Good!"

Emon's lone word hung in the silence that followed. Riyaad stared back at the rage on his older brother's face. Shock plastered on his face as if he had just been slapped. Hurt mixed into the rage swirling in his eyes. Dina had let out a gasp as the word was said, the tears had stopped their flow in the surprise. Safina too struggled to process what Emon had just said. The idea of a member of his family going off to die in the Games. Good.

"You don't mean that, Emon."

None of them had noticed the youngest among them enter the room. None of them knew how much Tevin had heard or seen of the battle that played out. It didn't matter. He had clearly heard enough.

The room softened with the presence of the sweet, quiet twelve-year old boy. None of them had ever been able to be angry in his soft presence. Each step he took forward pushed the fury out of the room until he stood by the center of the table.

"You don't mean that, right Emon?"

He had repeated the question, his big eyes turned earnestly to the man. Emon muttered out his no like a child being scolded by their parent. Nobody could play the parent role better than Tevin in this household.

"That's good, I'm glad!" Tevin's face warmed to a smile. "I don't know what I'd do if I lost anyone in the family like that." The gift of youth and the earnestness that came with it. Tevin reminded them all that they were a family above all else. No wonder everyone loved him.

Emon muttered out an apology to Riyaad. Riyaad did the same in turn. The temporary truce had resumed under the diplomacy of the young boy who would face his very first reaping in the morning.

[WC: 702]