a nail in the coffin | elonna

[dars]

E L O N N A

It was strange now, thinking of a time when things were different. For so long Elonna was the one who didn't know anything and the one who always needed an explanation for things the others had already figured out. She trailed after the older kids, parroting everything they said and hoping she sounded as cool as they sounded. She'd jump in just to prove that she was on their side too: calling their parents names behind their backs, standing next to them as they pointed and laughed at their peers, swearing that she understood exactly where they were coming from.

She always craved being chosen by them, being included, feeling as loved by them as they seemed to love others deemed worthy. And in her mind, them allowing her to stick around was as close as they could manage to choosing her back.

Losing her older brother provided every ounce of clarity that Elonna needed. It hurt like nothing ever had, and there was a scar in her heart now which would never heal. The one positive influence in her life gone in the time when she was most in need of guidance and love. It also opened her eyes and made her see the truth right in front of her. And the truth is that Elonna was wrong. The older kids didn't know best. And all it took was someone choosing to show their ass one more time after Emerson's death for Elonna to finally realize this and tell it to them: "You aren't the person I thought you were," she said simply, not even bothering to raise her voice. It'd given her a glimpse of the direction she herself was headed in if she didn't make a change.

After that, Elonna walked away and vowed to be nothing like them. So far as she saw it, it was her responsibility to set a better example for Eden than the example that was set for her. She made new friends, started trying more in school, stopped antagonizing her mom for the sake of having an argument. And she was honest, both with herself and with others. It made dinners awkward, sure, but she never backed down. Each time she got a sideways glance, Elonna met it with a sarcastic smirk of her own. Each time a certain someone felt like they had to cause a scene to get their way, Elonna pointed and laughed at them, a taste of their own medicine. Even when the heat was turned toward her, she only laughed harder. She defended Eden from them openly and relentlessly when they spoke down to him for the crime of being small, just as they defended their friends, and she dared them to say she was being unreasonable for it.

She chose the ones who chose her back.


Now, it has been two years since her brother's passing. Elonna doesn't like the sun anymore and she can't listen to a guitar without thinking of Emerson. Every wall of the house stands with memories which hurt too much to remember. People whisper on the streets, and speak to her like she's made of glass. In her grief, she clung to the idea of familiarity even when everything was changed. When her father first suggested the idea of moving them to the Capitol to keep Elonna and her brother safe, Elonna had shunned the idea. Living in the Capitol? Moving away from her family? There could be no greater betrayal, so far as she saw it. She told them she'd never forgive them if they made her. So they didn't.

Now, she stops her dad in the kitchen just before dinner.

"I changed my mind," she whispers, "The Capitol is safer. We should go if we still can."

He's trying to keep his tone light, but it's clear that this alarms him. 

"Is everything okay?"

"The world is moving on. We should too. Even if-" she clears her throat.

"I was worried about being left behind if we moved. But it kind of already feels like we have been. Doesn't it? Besides, it's what's best for Eden. It's safer there."

He sighs.

"But is it really what you want?"

Her eyes glance out the window to the memorial out back which was glowing with torchlight in the setting sun.

"It's what Emerson would want. So yes."

The final nail in the coffin comes weeks later, when they say their goodbyes at the station. They aren’t even there. For a brief moment it stings. Then Elonna smiles, knowing she's made the right choice. She boards the train, takes her seat, and looks forward for the first time in a long time, rather than back.