Alex Green (D1)
Oct 2, 2010 2:40:27 GMT -5
Post by Prince Inigo on Oct 2, 2010 2:40:27 GMT -5
Hey there. ^^
Please break up the potential paragraphs by a single space, as it will be easier to read for others and reviewers of your application. (Plus, it won't look as scary, almost like a block of text).
I think the Personality and History could do with more depth in detail, especially on certain matters.
For Personality, I have yet to see any real negative traits coming from Alex. He's misunderstood; he's made fun of; he's a loner; he's socially-awkward. These aren't exactly the negative traits I'm looking for. They're more neutral: They have the potential to be good or bad depending on how your character treats them. They sound more endearing. I think you had the right track with him trying to combat his hatred with love, but I would like something that is remotely evil or bad about him. What about his temper? Is it short for those that bully him? What's he like when he's angry? An uncontrollable beast? Please add some negative traits.
These were just suggestions to get your juices flowing.
History looks to be short. Why or what was the reason that their parents expected a girl for their first child? Who was this caretaker? A sort of daycare man or nanny? The flow for the History seems a bit choppy even when it doesn't go through his life in full. Please fix and add those things.
Please look over your application for grammatical mistakes and spelling errors. Watch when you can use commas and semicolons.
The commas here would have been done with semicolons, with the exception of the comma between "broad" and "and".
Please reply back when you have made the changes and someone will drop by soon.[/size]
Please break up the potential paragraphs by a single space, as it will be easier to read for others and reviewers of your application. (Plus, it won't look as scary, almost like a block of text).
I think the Personality and History could do with more depth in detail, especially on certain matters.
For Personality, I have yet to see any real negative traits coming from Alex. He's misunderstood; he's made fun of; he's a loner; he's socially-awkward. These aren't exactly the negative traits I'm looking for. They're more neutral: They have the potential to be good or bad depending on how your character treats them. They sound more endearing. I think you had the right track with him trying to combat his hatred with love, but I would like something that is remotely evil or bad about him. What about his temper? Is it short for those that bully him? What's he like when he's angry? An uncontrollable beast? Please add some negative traits.
These were just suggestions to get your juices flowing.History looks to be short. Why or what was the reason that their parents expected a girl for their first child? Who was this caretaker? A sort of daycare man or nanny? The flow for the History seems a bit choppy even when it doesn't go through his life in full. Please fix and add those things.
Please look over your application for grammatical mistakes and spelling errors. Watch when you can use commas and semicolons.
He has a small build, his shoulders aren't very broad, and he just overall looks frail.
The commas here would have been done with semicolons, with the exception of the comma between "broad" and "and".
Please reply back when you have made the changes and someone will drop by soon.[/size]
