Elijah Malaguto - District 1

[elijah]

Name: Elijah Malaguto
Age: 13
Gender: Male
District/Area: District 1
Appearance:

My character is around 5'2. He's kind of skinny at 105 lbs. He's really strong, he can bench 175 max. He has a six pack.

He has a light tan skin. A big scar down the left side of his face, He has long hair(for a guy), It's Dirty Blonde colored. He has medium sized eyebrows, his nose is medium sized, he has a big smile, but a bigger frown. His eyes are brown.

Personality:

He loves sports. He doesn't have a great personality, but had a lot of friends, he's funny and that's about it.

He has a great passion for sports, he dominated everyone everytime he played football, basketball, whatever the sport.

He has a couple of flaws though, he can't really talk to girls, he always blushes when talking to girls that aren't his friends, and he stutters too. Around guys, he can get a little pushy when people talk aobut him.

History:

His family was a cool family, a very caring family, that is except for his dad. When he was younger his dad would abuse him, daily, that's how he got his scar.

One day he wasn't coporating with his dad, and his dad went to punch him and he swung back for his dads stomach(This was about 4 months ago on his birthday). He hit his dads stomach pretty hard, but his dad wasn't tolerating it anymore. He had took a plate from the cupboard and threw it at him, a part of the plate got stuck in his head, a big part. He ran upstairs, trailing blood and tears, grabbed his cell phone, his charger and about 5 sets of clothing.

He was about to walk out the door when his mom stopped him, and asked what he was doing and what was in his head. He hadn't told his mom that his dad abused him. Until now, Elijah spilled it all out. His mom said your not going. She took him to the bathroom, and fixed up his head then bandaged it all up. His mom was taking him to the hospital, on the way there, he jumped out his door, and his mom then got in an accident. He watched from behind a tree as an ambulance picked her up. Then he left, and hasnt heard from his mom, or anything sense. He didn't clearly think out the cell phone idea.

Codeword: muttations
Comments/Other:

[Sunrise Rainier D2 // [Thundy]]

Hey! I've already talked to you, but hi. xD I need you to fix a few things before I can accept him.

1) Instead of referring to him as "My character" just say "Elijah" to start off that first paragraph.

2) If his height is 5'2" and he weighs only about 105 pounds, how is it that he happens to be really strong? I could understand it if he was a bit taller and he weighed more than he does, because any muscles that he has would add to that weight. 105 pounds for a kid that's 5'2" with muscle doesn't really make sense, so maybe you should raise his weight a bit? Along with that, as you talk about his strength and his apparent six pack, you should talk about his exercise habits that allow him to be that strong. I know that you talked about his love of sports (which you might have to get rid of, among other things.. Dx) in his personality, but you should include something about this in his appearance as well to explain how it is that he became strong and to also add some length to that first paragraph, because it's a bit short.

3) Instead of putting commas all over the place and then capitalizing a bunch of random words that shouldn't be capitalized, I would suggest going back and reading through his appearance (it seems to be mainly his appearance that has these errors) and fixing them.

4) You seem to be listing traits rather than really going into much detail. It might not be the funnest thing to do, but I cannot emphasize enough the importance of adding detail into character bios. It makes the character much easier to RP in the long run, trust me. So, instead of simply listing traits, I would like you to go back and elaborate on them. I've already advised you on how to add more detail to the first paragraph, but it's important that you go back and try to do that for everything that you can. Ask yourself this question to help you: WHY is he the way that he is?

5) It seems unlikely in this setting that there would even be sports such as those that we have today, I'm sorry to say. It's more likely that he would be learning how to work at his age, or even already working, because that is just the realistic situation that he might be in. Any sports that kids do play would be played at a younger age when they're unable to work, and even then those games wouldn't be common sports that you would see today. I would suggest giving him some other pastime, maybe running? He can still exercise in general, but sports.. not so much. It's just not realistic in this setting.

6) I suppose I should get this paragraph out of the way, so let me just say that although you do have the correct number of paragraphs, your first 6 are a bit too short. Seeing as I've already asked you to add more detail, this should make the task of lengthening those paragraphs quite a bit easier. Just try to ask yourself questions, as I've said before. WHY is he the way that he is? How does he react in different situations? What does he think of himself?

7) How is it that his mother didn't know that his father was abusing him if they lived in the same house? And why was his mother not abused as well..? These things don't quite make sense to me, so either you'll have to get rid of them or justify why she didn't know and why she wasn't abused too.

8) Although the books were based in the future, it's as if the Districts regressed in their technology. Cell phones would be a thing that only people of high authority in the upper Districts would have, if in fact anyone had one at all. It's unlikely that he would have a cell phone, especially in District 8, which is one of the lower Districts.

9) Cars would also be an odd thing to have. They exist in this time period, yes, but I doubt that they exist in the Districts, or else only a few own them. His mother can't own a car.

10) Hospitals! They might have small hospitals in the upper Districts, but in District 8 it's more likely that they might have a small doctor's office, if anything at all. This also means that ambulances wouldn't exist in the Districts (remember the lack of cars), but that's negated anyways because his mother couldn't have possibly crashed the car that shouldn't exist in the first place.

11) If you still want him to be a loner with a dead mother, go ahead and try to think of some way that his mother could have died on the way to take him to a doctor. You're still allowed creative leeway, so have at it. xD

I think that's it, so post here when you're done fixing it and I'll check up on it again. xD

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