Raphale Grey D5 (fixed please check)

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Name: Raphale Grey
Age: 16
Gender: Male
District/Area: District 5
Appearance:

Raphale is average height for a guy his age around 5'10. His weight is about 155lbs. He walks with a slight drag in his in his leg do to a herding injury he suffered a few years ago. The injury does not heavily affect his speed, but can slow him down. It is not detectable unless his thigh is uncovered. It also injured his left hand, but he is right handed so it is not a problem.

Freckles cover his entire face and his eyes are a dark blue. His skin is albino and will burn with out sunscreen. He wears basic overalls and boots. Also, he has no tattoos of any kind. He has long blonde hair.

Personality:

Raphale is a fun loving joker that gets him into problems. Most of the peacekeepers think he is a problem and keep a close eye on him. Fighting is more his style than running. He is loyal to his friends and never gives up. He is not mean he just stands up for himself.

One of his best skills is that he is really good with farm animals. He is not the smartest kid. He is very creative and will try to make his work fun. If there is a party going on he will go he loves to party. His biggest problem is that he does not always think things through.

Another flaw is that he zones out and always say what he is thinking when he pays attention again. For example if he were looking at a blackboard he would say blackboard when he comes back to reality. He feels that the way they are being treated is unfair and is trying to come up with a way to stop it. The only reasons he stays in the district is because of his family. If the opportunity arrives he will fight the capital even in the smallest way such as a strike.

History:

Raphale grew up in the nice part of district 5. His only family is his brother and his parents. He has many friends but, doesn't do that well in school. He makes descent money at his job.

The job he works on includes milking cows and shearing sheep. He has a truck that transports his goods to the shops. He gets a 15% cut of the profits.
The truck he owns is like a bus for his friends to go to school when he does go.

Okay this is how he got his injury. It started when he found and watched an old movie about bull fighters when he was younger and attempted it. He grabed a towel and went out with a group of friends and tried it with a bull. You can see how he got his injury's. Luckily he got to the hospital in time. Once he lost his friend in the hunger games so that only fuels his rage on the capital.

Codeword: muttations
Comments/Other:

[Prince Inigo]

Hello there. ^^

Please break up your potential paragraphs by a single space. This makes the application easier to read.

You have some spelling errors just starting from the Appearance and onwards. Please fix these up. There's already four instances in your small Appearance; and, while errors are common, they should be as minimal as possible. Also, I would like to see a physical flaw on him. Do his teeth jut out in weird places? Does his leg actually look like it's been banged up?

Going from that, it seems all sections need more information, as by the two-paragraph Appearance and three-paragraph each Personality and History standard is now. So please add more information. Try to go for longer sentences, as short sentences can get repetitive and boring. Fix up on any grammatical errors as well.

Personality could do for more negative traits/flaws. 'Not always thinking things through' is a start, but it's not that detrimental or harming to his character. 'Speaking out against the Capitol (in private)' is performed by everyone. "He is not mean he just stands up for himself" is more... assertive? I think that's the word. Assertiveness gives you power to speak for yourself instead of being a doormat... so... I wouldn't call that negative. Try finding more negative traits, please.

I'm noticing you use "He" a lot, and it's getting a bit redundant. Attempt to use other words as starters, and your writing will improve!

Please reply after making the changes and someone will drop by soon.

[magnet]

Is this good.

[Prince Inigo]

Again, the sections seem short. The standard here for a paragraph is five sentences, so aim for that? It could also do well if some sentences were longer, as having a lot of short sentences together can get tedious and very blunt.

For Personality, try explaining in his problems that he gets for being a joker? Does he do something bad in front of officials, for example? For the zoning out bit, I'll ask for an explanation or detailing of what you mean by 'what is on his mind'. His daydreaming? Is he describing his daydreaming or his ideals for Panem to be less cruel than it is?

Also again, the grammar and spelling could be fixed. Commas, fully spelling out words (OK is shorter for Okay and less professional), and that kind of deal. You even misplaced a comma in this sentence:

It also injured his left hand but, he is right handed so it is not a problem.

The comma would go after 'hand', not 'but'.

Reply again after making changes. Thanks!

[magnet]

Okay last time this needs to be checked I hope.

edit thank goodness I am accepted.

[Deleted]