if we could go back in time. [semper !]

[∂αмєη]

[bg=28190c][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=width,522,true] L A N E x F O X x R A L Y K S

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Carefully moving each foot forward grew to be increasingly difficult with each step. It wasn't walking that was the issue. Walking was all I could really do now that I couldn't speak to pick up contracts or I couldn't bear to look anybody from Stained Transactions in the eye and show them that I was no longer capable of using my tongue. I couldn't bear to speak to Izabella anymore. It didn't feel fair to force her to speak to an Avox as well. It was enough that she got in close with two criminals. With her social status, it was almost barbaric to have a close relationship with people like me. I couldn't bear to kill again. Especially since they had more of a life than I did now. They had something to live for while I had absolutely nothing. I was just a silent man who had no way of communicating.

I couldn't bear much anymore. The smell of blood and fresh meat seemed to have the opposite effect on me now, sometimes sending me in the opposite direction in some cases. I was changing and it pissed me off. I seemed like a bare skeleton now, my features having left me when my tongue was cut out of my mouth as a punishment. I was bare. Completely one hundred percent bare. And it scared me to think that all of this was happening just when I began to fit in. Was I really fitting in though? Sometimes all I could think about was the fact that I was wasting my life away. Was the side of life really the best side? I kind of lost the lust to kill and now there was nothing to me. I didn't want to understand it. I didn't want to acknowledge that I was changing. I couldn't bear that thought.

And now, here I was. Doing what I said I wouldn't do until I could fix the thoughts of needing a better way of life. What I said I couldn't do cause I could never bear to see his face if he thought this was all his fault. He wasn't the one who got punished. Then again, I killed. But still, the possibility still hung there and I didn't want him to feel it. I didn't want Bear Keeni to think it was all his fault. Because it wasn't at all. I would tell him everything I could so he knew that I wasn't angry or something or anything. Well, I couldn't tell anybody anything. And where does that leave me now? A silent killer who can't kill? A horrible person? Probably the latter. Normal citizens were afraid of me, rich citizens tried to purchase me and my fellow criminals laugh at the one who got caught.

Since it happened, things went downhill. My thoughts became crazy, my hours of sleep becoming nonexistent and my list of friends going from few to none. And would I change anything if I had the chance? I keep asking myself that, trying to find some way to comfort myself in thinking that things could have been different. Then again, that would only torture me further. But I would've done things differently if I knew the consequences for my actions. If I knew I would no longer speak another word again. I would stop everything and anything just to have my tongue again. Just to have my sarcastic remarks, suave flirting or cold and cruel statements back so I wasn't completely alone and I'd at least have myself to talk to. I just wanted somebody who didn't judge me cause I had no speech.

And that's why my fist tapped against the door three times, hopefully enough for the person inside to hear. I just wanted to see him one last time. I just wanted to be able to be with him. He was the only one who I could completely trust. I just couldn't bear to lose Bear Keeni.

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credit to shrimp for the template

[semper]

bear Keeni



Fucking morgue people. They're so stupid. I've gotten away with stealing good-sized chunks of flesh from corpses for how long? Four years? None of the other workers have even noticed depressions in the cold, purple-blue skin from where there's no flesh to hold it up. Maybe all the other workers are just blind, or it's all become so monotonous to them that they don't give a fuck whether the body's been mutilated or not. I don't know. I'll never know. I'll just stick to taking strips of flesh and turning it into jerky. Damn, I love my job.

Huh. I wonder where Shiep is. You know, I never did get to get him into trying some of the jerky and I never did get to fuck the kid. I still don't understand how he could've come up with the whole idea of Stained Transactions. Isn't it bad for a twelve year old to be getting involved with cannibals and criminals? Oh, who I am I trying to kid. No one gives a fuck who he gets involved with. I know I sure don't. But really, if anyone tried anything stupid with him, I'd be the first one to kick my foot up their rear so far they'd have two Adam's apples.

I set my backpack-type thing on the kitchen table, not really wanting to bother with it right now. Sure, I knew it would all taste good, but eh, I have better things to do. Well, not really. I just didn't feel like doing anything.

And during times like these, I begin to wonder what happened to my sister. She usually never went anywhere, and it's not like her to stay out late, but eh, hell if I care, really. Lies, I love my sister. I'd destroy anyone who hurt her. Though maybe "love" isn't the right word to use. But really, she was worrying me. Mom and Dad left a long time ago and I was automatically put in charge of her, so I felt a slight hint of guilt since she's been missing for quite a while now. Maybe someone from ST got a hold of her and are just using her for.... things. Hmm. As long as she doesn't turn up dead or with injuries, I'll be fine. The house -- or shanty shack -- felt horribly empty, though.... even with her endless nagging, I still liked her being here. You know what? I'll just go look for her tomorrow. It's nearly night anyways, no use looking for her in the dark.

I was just about to head down the hallway to my room when I heard three knocks on the door. Odd. With an irritated grunt, I head over to the door and fling it open, not really caring if the person standing there had a gun ready to shoot me. I wanted this visitor gone so I could just go off and sleep so I could then go find G-

I stop suddenly, my breath caught in my throat and the threats I was about to yell fading to nothing. I stood there, gawking at the figure standing in front of me. How had he gotten here? What had happened to him?! The last time I saw Lane Ralyks, he was being dragged off to be "interrogated" at the DC. I had vowed to somehow get him out of there, but that had been nothing but wishful thinking. I had never seen him since the doors closed between us at that facility, and now here he was, standing right at my door.

"Lane," I gasp, obviously unable to believe that he was actually here. "What the hell happened to you?" I wanted to ask him what happened back at the DC, but I would get to that later. Right now I just wanted to know why he was here. I step aside to let him into the house.





((Grawrawrawr it took me so long to get up & it's a crap post. Dx ))

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[∂αмєη]

Stop this train, I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in

The thing with life is that you can never predict what will happen. You might think that you have things under control but something could happen that just rips it out of your hands and screws it up to the point where it can't be fixed. Life just fucks you over. Non-stop. There's no way to avoid it actually. Life will suck and there's nothing you can do to change that. So it's better to live with it now and to accept it as soon as possible. If you wait for too long, you'll end up being fucked over more times than you can count. The worst thing to happen in the morning? Being fucked over. At night? Same thing. Life does that. Life strangles you. Your good mood, your friends, your family, the things you love. All could be gone with one simple event. An event you can't predict.

I'm rambling now. Without my tongue. It may sound weird and trust me, it is. It's just a bunch of noises that are supposed to represent words. It sounds like an animal is dying or something. So I keep from saying everything out loud. I let it all play in my head first. Which is good, I guess. Now I'm thinking before speaking. Wait? That really doesn't make sense but nothing really does any more. Like I said, life fucked me over and now I'm just a lost person. It's as if half of me was taken away and now I have to rely on half a heart, half a brain, half a soul. And half a you know what. In my pants? Yeah, that thing. That would really suck. But that's how it feels. I can't do the things I once did without feeling awkward and like I'm doing it wrong. Have you ever felt like you're doing something wrong? It's really weird. Really weird.

But back to the point. You can't predict life. That's what I said right? Or thought, I guess. You can't predict what's going to happen because if you know what's going to happen, you may do things differently and then you don't know what's going to happen because you just altered what was going to happen by knowing what was going to happen. Confusing? Maybe. But it's true. I would never have guessed that he'd actually say those words. Really, I thought he'd be throwing himself out of the house and into my arms or something. Maybe that's what I might have done. Maybe that's cause I was sure I felt something a little stronger than just friendly love. I still don't know what the warm feeling in my stomach represents. I doubt I could even love. It's just not possible, you know. I think.

And really? He doesn't know what happened? They didn't tell him that they dragged me off and cut off my tongue and just screwed my mind. I swear, my mind might get pregnant cause they fucked it. That's actually a good joke. I should use it. Except, I can't actually say jokes any more. Which Bear doesn't know about. How do you tell your best friend and possible lover that you no longer have a tongue and you can't speak or use it for pleasure? Well, that was hard enough to think, let alone answer. It was a tough question. And really, it was one I didn't want to answer. I take a slow step up the stairs and into his home which he welcomed me in to. Right now, I won't tell him. I shrug my shoulders as I walk by and smile, keeping what used to be my tongue hidden. Maybe he'd ask why I wasn't talking. Then I'd have to explain. Or show. You know what I mean.

Either way, I was sure this wouldn't be the best time we were both in his house together, alone. Definitely not.

[semper]

bear Keeni



There was something.... different, about Lane. Maybe it was just because I hadn't seen him in Ripred knows how long, or that things had all gone downhill ever since he and I were sent to the DC. Stained Transactions pretty much faded the way smoke does when it gets high up in the air, and with Shiep having fallen off the face of the Earth and Malachai being dead, we're at a huge standstill. I haven't seen any other member of ST since becoming a free man again. Maybe they all decided to disband while I was away and just not tell me. Inconsiderate bastards. Don't they think I'd at least like to know we're no longer going out and terrorizing people for not paying us their dues? That's the best part! And they have the sheer audacity to not tell me it's all over! Idiots. Damn idiots with rocks for brains. They all need to be high fived in the face. Hard. With a chair. Good job ST, good fucking job. Way to leave a cannibal hanging here.

But anyway, that's all besides the point. ST may be gone, but I still have my best friend -- my brother, even. Lane comes into the house and smiles at me, not saying a word. Normally I would expect some snarky comment that'd get us both laughing, but oh well. I'm not too worried. I close the door behind him and follow him further into the house, patting him a few times on the shoulder. "Been a long time, hasn't it?" I said, trying to sound casual as I made my way into the kitchen where my "snack bag" was on the table. Since I had no need to hide it, I just left it there and went on to kneel on the ground in front of the cabinet underneath the sink, open it, and begin searching through it. "Want anything, Lane? I've got leftovers from a few days ago. Or there's some jerky on the table over there if you want it, it's yours to take." There was nothing in the cabinet under the sink to really eat, so I just left it, shut the door and then straightened back up. Now that I think about it, I don't remember the last time Lane's been in my house. My so-called "parents" were never here -- literally never -- so I wasn't worried about them coming and finding him. Hell, even if they did, they wouldn't care. And Gerya -- speaking of which. "Hey, you haven't happened to have seen Gerya, have you?" I asked, turning my head to look at my friend. "She's not showed up in a while... kinda starting to worry about her." My voice trailed off slightly before another thought struck me. "Have you seen Shiep? I swear the little runt fell off the face of the Earth." Not really waiting for an answer, I went over to the table and sat down, tilting the seat back so that it was balancing on the back two legs as I waited for answers from Lane.





((Not the best I was hoping for, but it got all my ideas across. x3 ))

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[∂αмєη]

[905D2C] [E65C00] [A89070]

I watched as my Bear headed into the kitchen. What was I going to tell him? Really, this was all fucked up. I mean, I never got caught with a crime. That last time I got caught, I was too drunk to remember what was happening around me and I ended up bashing in the heads of four different men to avoid arrest. Nobody found the bodies because there wasn't much left once I was done. Gross? No. That was how I used to live. It meant that I would have to spend money on food at the market, you know. I could sit back and live the good life by saving all my money for the things I wanted and not the things I needed. Which tended to be more drugs and more alcohol and more bullets and more weapons. And sometimes more chicks if I couldn't charm them into my bed.

I didn't want any so I shook my head slowly. I listened carefully as he spoke, unable to say anything. Although, I really didn't have anything to say. I didn't know where either of the two were. Nor did I care. I mean, yeah, Gerya mattered to me because she mattered to Bear. But if she decided to run off to do something, that was her problem. The same went with Shiep. Really, I never cared about Shiep. I mean, he was my boss and stuff but still, he never really liked me as much as he should. I was useful and he knew it. It was an insult if he didn't acknowledge my gifts. But still, Bear liked him. Bear really liked him, as far as I was concerned. Still, all I could do was shrug. Even if I knew, I wouldn't be able to say anything. I couldn't say anything to Bear at all.

There were so many things I wanted to tell him. I was sorry for everything that had happened and I wanted him to know that. He was caught because of me and I felt like shit because of that. And we both knew that I felt something for him. Something strong. I couldn't ever tell him that any more. I watched him carefully, wishing to just have the chance to tell him that I loved him. But that chance would never come. I moved towards him slowly and then reached out to grab his arm so he could stop to look at me. I still had no clue how I was going to tell him. Although, I couldn't really tell him anything. The lack of speech definitely prevented that. But I could do one thing. And so I slowly did it, trying to keep from breaking down. He was the last person I ever wanted to show.

With my mouth hanging open, he could now see the tongue that I could never get back. And even though I expected this to be the worst part, it wasn't. I now knew that the worst part would be dealing with his reaction. No matter what, I had to ensure that he didn't blame himself for the things that happened to me. If he felt any bit of guilt, I don't even know what I would do. This was entirely my fault that we were now in this position. And it made me sick. Bear, there are so many things I wish I could say. I just wish we could actually hear each other's thoughts like we used to joke about. It would make everything so much easier. And I could tell him that I loved him. That he was my everything. But would he always be like that to me? Would he still want to stick around and be my brother despite everything that had happened? I doubted it. He'd probably hate me. Which would be alright.

I kind of hated myself too.

[semper]

bear Keeni


I let the chair fall back down onto all fours when Lane grabbed onto my arm and I looked up at him. In the light of the kitchen, I could see all the little scars he had acquired over all these years. Really, not a single soul in Panem could get away with being unscathed in any way. You were bound to become scarred, physically and mentally, in one way or another, sooner or later. Lane and I both had our share of scars, more than most other people in the District. We were "bad" people, we did stupid stuff and didn't care for the consequences. We'd twirl knives in our hands and gash our palm open and just slap a cloth on it and be done with it. Really, no one cared about first aid unless it was life threatening. Or I didn't, at least. As long as it wasn't severe, I didn't care. But as I looked up at Lane, there was an uncharacteristic serious look on his face. What was wrong? Come to think of it, he hadn't said a single word ever since I opened the door. I was about to ask what the matter was, but he unknowingly answered it as soon as he opened his mouth.

Nothing. There was absolutely nothing in his mouth but teeth, gum, and saliva. Nothing.

He had been avoxed.

My voice disappeared. Flashbacks flew through my head all at once: the DC, being locked up with Lane, the Peacekeeper coming to get him, me trying to pull Lane back but failing, and then finally him disappearing and me throwing myself against the bars as if I could break them, yelling every swear I knew and even making up some. They had avoxed him.

My dark eyes, wide and bewildered, stared at his empty mouth, horrified. This was all my fault. If only I had been faster, I could have gotten him away from that Peacekeeper and we could have escaped. But I had failed. I failed miserably, and it had resulted in Lane, my best friend -- brother -- lover, even -- having his tongue cut out. He always had something witty to say that was smart at the same time. That was why I liked him so much. But now he was beaten down, in a way. The Peacekeepers had taken what made Lane, well, Lane, and then just threw him back out into the world and expected him to survive. The fucking bastards.

Anger, guilt, and sadness all began welling up inside of me. I didn't know what to do. My brother had been avoxed and I could have prevented it, but didn't. I was a failure. What could I tell him? There was no words I could say to make up for what I had done, and I felt ashamed of myself for being able to talk while Lane can't. It should have been me in there having my tongue cut out, not him. Lane's a very good guy; he was a Peacekeeper, for fuck's sake! Would the guards really do that to one of their own? Apparently. Those sick bastards. Me, I've never been on the good side. I've always stuck to crime and sleazy ways, it should have been me.... it should have been me....

I stood up, unable to take my eyes off of him. I knew there was nothing I could do to make him feel the slightest bit better, so I did the only think I knew of: I hugged him. My eyes were kept shut tightly, but even then I could still feel the hot, stinging threat of tears in the back of my eyes. "I'm so sorry, Lane..." I managed to mumble, guilt and sincerity obvious in my voice. I sniffed, and even though I didn't want to cry, I was too overwhelmed to care. My emotions were blazing and I just didn't give a fuck. All my barriers were broken down. "I could've stopped them, but I just wasn't fast enough... fuck, I'm so sorry.... I could've stopped them..."

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[∂αмєη]

[905D2C] [E65C00] [A89070]

Nothing could prepare me for this kind of pain. It was as if every single injury I had gone through prior to now was being added together and getting focused to one spot on my body. For some reason, I couldn't handle the pain that shot all the way up my neck and back down again. The hammer like object hit my tailbone again and I nearly jumped out of my chair despite being strapped down. They were barely holding me down at this point as each injury gave me more anger to use. A growl escaped my lips and I glared at the ass who was doing this. "Fuck you. I hope you die, you fucking twat." There. That was enough to ease the pain for a bit. But then he let the machine crunch down on my fingers.

The pain went on and on for hours. More swear words left my mouth through clenched teeth and I was nearing the point of blacking out. And then he approached with the sharp tool and the surgical gloves. "This will hurt a lot." And then I felt it scratching at my tongue. It began as a light scratch and eventually became a little more aggressive. It finally broke the skin and the agonizing pain became twice as bad as it scratched at the open wound. And it continued as such all the way across until it reached the other end. Then, with a clunk, my tongue was in a bucket in front of me. Gone. Silenced. Forever and ever. There would be no more sarcastic remarks and no more insults. "-uck -ou." I try to spit at him but my aim is horrid without my tongue. "Shut the fuck up and get used to it."

It had all happened so slowly too. Each moment was clear in my mind because they decided to draw out every single torture method. And not only did it torture me but it was affecting Bear too. I placed my hands on either side of his face and shook my head, staring into his eyes and trying to tell him that it wasn't his fault. In reality, it was my fault he ended up in there. We both knew it and he could try to deny it as long as possible. Bear and I were arrested because I screwed up. That was just the way it was and he didn't have to feel guilty for something that I caused. I felt like shit. I felt like there was nothing good left on this earth now that Bear felt like shit too. But there was something good. He was still here and he was still treating me like the brother I have always wanted to be.

And then he hugged me and I felt like everything was normal for a while. Like nothing else mattered except that he wasn't pissed at me for losing the one thing that made me who I was. I tightened my grip around him and for the first time in a long time, I cried. For the first time in many years, I actually let my emotions out and I cried. And he was still with me this whole time. I always wonder why Bear sticks around and stays my friend. I've only ruined his life more than it already was so why would he still consider me his brother if all I did was make things worse? Maybe there was something that was amazing about my personality and maybe there wasn't. Either way, it made no sense why he was still around and why he was still being beside me.

This was the lowest I had ever been to. Sure, killing people brought me pretty damn low but it wasn't like part of me was missing. Yes, part of me was missing physically but now I was missing all of the mental part of it. My personality was gone now and it was all because of me. Or was it because of Stained Transactions and their asshat leader who sucked more with organization than I did with being nice. Shiep's heart was in the right place but unfortunately, his brain wasn't exactly following. So maybe all of this wasn't my fault. I committed the crime so I did the time but maybe I shouldn't have had to commit the crime in the first place. It was probably somebody's fault. Like Ethan's. Yeah, everything was Ethan's fault if we wanted it to be his fault. That worked with me, you know.

It definitely wasn't Bear's fault. That was the one thing I wanted to make known. If he thought it was his fault, I'd feel so guilty and that guilt would last with me forever. So I looked him right in the eyes and shook my head slowly before leaning forward and gently kissing him on the forehead. My articulation was gone but I could still make some sounds. "I -ove -ou." Hopefully he'd understand what I meant by more words. And hopefully he wouldn't feel like it was his fault. They would have killed him in an instant if he tried to stop them. And that would have been the worst torture ever. He helped me in a way. And because of that, I owed him everything. I loved Bear with all my heart and soul and body. Even if I was missing part of it, I still loved him completely.

"I -orry."


[[ooc; press your tongue tightly against your bottom teeth and try to say I love you and I'm sorry and Fuck you. THEY SOUND LIKE THAT xD]]

[semper]

bear Keeni

It takes everything I have to hold myself together and not have complete emotional breakdown. He puts his hands on either side of my face and I look into his eyes – those beautiful blue eyes of his – and I can see everything in them. I see the man I first met and recruited for Stained Transactions, the man I found myself constantly thinking about, and the man who was my best friend. He accepted me for who I was: a cannibal and a criminal. Not only that, but he enjoyed the same things too. We’d go out on terror sprees together and it was one of the best things we ever did. That, and the jerky. Oh, goodness, I love the jerky. I didn’t have any more of that… I need to get more. But Lane… poor Lane can’t taste it anymore. He can’t speak anymore. He can’t do a lot of things anymore.

I hold onto Lane tighter as he returns the hug, the tears slowly starting to overflow and run down my cheeks. I bury my face into the crook of his neck. All my emotions are going haywire and I’m overwhelmed with what I think is guilt. I hadn’t been able to stop the Peacekeepers from severing off his tongue. I could’ve prevented it, but what’s done is done. I can’t do anything to go back in time and prevent all this from happening. I can’t. All I can do is just be there for him now, and Ripred dammit, I’m going to be his rock. People may be skeptical about him – an Avox – especially since he’s in District 6, but I won’t let them. No one is going to make fun of my friend without getting a mouthful of arsenic and hydrochloric acid. I know Lane can take perfect care of himself, but I was feeling extremely protective of him. People we’re associated with are known to take advantage of the weaker me being one of them and I’m going to stop at nothing to make sure no one sees Lane any different than when he had his tongue.

I pull back slightly and Lane looks me right in the eyes and shakes his head. He then comes forward and kisses my forehead, and I now understand. It’s not my fault. There really wasn’t anything I could’ve done, even if I had wanted to. Though my pride says otherwise, I couldn’t have taken on all those Peacekeepers at once in the DC. They would’ve slaughtered me faster than I can blink and what use would I be of then? None. Lane would still be in his current situation but I would be six feet under, a new house for worms and maggots.

To hear Lane speak just tears me apart. All I hear is just syllables, and in the heat of the moment, I have no idea what he’s saying. That, too, kills me. He’s trying to tell me something and I can’t understand it, so it frustrates me. To not be able to understand what your loved one is saying is perhaps one of the greatest tragedies ever. My vision blurs with more tears welling up as he tries talking again, and I understand him this time: I’m sorry. My jaw sets and I feel hot droplets running down my face. ”You have nothing to be sorry about, Lane. Do you hear me? Nothing.” My voice is quivering and I’m still struggling to keep a hold on myself. I can’t break down here and now. I have to be here for him. ”What they did to you… it’s not your fault. Don’t ever let yourself believe that.” His eyes…. I’ve always loved his eyes. They’re a kind of blue that you can get lost in, and to be honest, I never believed that you could get lost in someone’s eyes. But as I stand there, looking into Lane’s irises, I find myself calming down and feeling more secure. There was also one thing I knew I was becoming more steadily aware of: I love Lane. I love everything about him: his eyes, his hair, his laugh, his personality, his snarky remarks, everything. There wasn’t anything I couldn’t tell him and I knew I could trust him with even my darkest secret. Without a second thought, I lean forward and kiss him. I never had thought that I could fall in love, but Lane proved otherwise. He’s everything to me. I love him.





((I tried talking like that and I'm pretty sure my mom now thinks I'm insane. xD ))

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