Keep Your }{Eyes}{ //Closed\\ {Damen}

[Morgana]

Dignity Ryder

The damn baby is crying again. I love him, I do, but really? Momma needs some sleep unless you want her falling asleep at work and splitting her skull open on the saw blade. Do you want that? No, I didn't think so. Aspen lets out another terrible wail, and I resist the urge to chick my pillow across the room at him. I knew having a baby would be hard, but I never imagined it would be like this. It costs a heap of money to keep him fed and in clean diapers, so I'm working overtime, which barely pays for that. I hardly have money to buy food for myself, and I have absolutely no free time. I thought hell was living with Uncle. I was wrong.

I roll out of bed and feed Aspen, burp him, then put him back in his cradle. He whimpers as I start to walk away, so I pull a funny face to make him laugh. I even manage to laugh back, which makes him happy. I put one of his few toys in the cradle with him to occupy him while I'm busy. I run a brush through my hair and put it back into a pony. I glance at Aspen to make sure he's okay before I head into the other room of our tiny house. Breakfast is a slice of bread, because that's all I have time for. Aspen is excellent at waking me up, just not at the right time. I should get an alarm clock, but I don't have the extra money. Aspen's feeding schedule doesn't vary much from day to day, so I can usually count on him to get me out the door in time.

After dropping Aspen off with the neighbor, I head off to work. It's no different than usual. Hard, monotonous work, co-workers that whisper about me at break, and all I have to look forward to is Aspen. Which isn't saying much. I love him, I do. I'm just scared he'll end up like his father. His eyes are the exact same shade of slate as Uncle's, but without that crazy glint in it. I swear to God, if I ever see that glint in my baby's eyes, I might have to kill him. I will not risk another person in this world like Uncle. What he did was bad, and I won't let that happen to anyone else if i can help it. I won't let my son be like his father.

I consider stopping off somewhere before going home, just so I can get my shopping out of the way. But Mrs. Lancaster will worry if I don't come home right when I say I will. So I stop off at her house to pick up Aspen, then go home to grab some money. I don't have a stroller, so I have to carry Aspen. He's heavy, and after about ten minutes, my arms feel like they're going to fall off. But I can't put him down, because the street is a filthy place, and Aspen will put anything in his mouth. I pause to adjust my bag, and right away, I feel a tug on the strap. Whirling around, I see a scrawny man clutching it to his chest, right before he disappears into the crowd.

This is not happening. That asshole did not just steal all my money. I need that goddammit. Aspen needs to eat, and so do I. There's nothing else to do but go after him. I look around. There's a girl nearby who looks nice enough, so I shove Aspen at her and mutter, "Watch him," before running off into the crowd. I spy the bastard right away, slinking through the crowd. "Get back here asshole!" I shout at him. He glances back and sees me chasing him, horror filling his features. "I SEE YOU!" He starts running, thinking he's going to get away. He doesn't have a chance. I pump my legs faster and increase my stride. The crowd parts around me like the Red Sea. A few seconds, then I'm right behind him, his shirt almost close enough to grab...

And then I've got him. I yank hard on his shirt, pulling him backwards and to the ground. He falls, and I stop beside him, snatching up my bag. "How pathetic do you have to be to steal money from a single mother?" He doesn't answer, and I don't expect him to. I deliver a swift kick to his groin, and while he's still writhing in pain, I jog back to where I left Aspen. I pull him from the girl's arms. He's smiling at me, so I smile back, then turn to the girl. "Thanks for watching him." Aspen tugs at my hair and I pull it gently out of his chubby fist. "Aren't the damned Peacekeepers supposed to take care of people like that?" The Peacekeepers around here are so lazy. They pretend there's no such thing as crime just so they can spend their time doing whatever they want. I have no respect for them at all.

[∂αмєη]

L E X I x H A N N A H x F A L L O N

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I climbed out of his bed carefully. He was still fast asleep and I really didn't want to wake him. Mark was probably exhausted from last night and he would need all the sleep he could get to recover. I picked up my button up shirt off the ground, throwing it over my body and making my way downstairs. I didn't bother buttoning it up, I didn't care if his parents saw me. Although, apparently they were at work so I'd be all good. I was wearing a bra and underwear though. Nothing wrong with that. Except that I had just came from his room. Maybe he'd get in trouble for that and that would be a great excuse for not calling him back. I would need one sooner or later. He was good but I didn't do lasting relationships. I liked when things were one night. It was easier. I wouldn't have to worry about the fights or the endearing terms or anything like that.

I finally reached his living room and then his fridge. I pulled it open carefully, peering in at the things he had. It was fairly empty. Looks like I'd have to find something to drink elsewhere. I could just go home if I wanted to as well. There was no point me staying here now. I had finished with him and he'd be out for a bit longer. With nothing to drink, I'd just sit around bored. I made my way back up the stairs, buttoning up my shirt but leaving the top button undone. I was told it looked sexy, so that was always a good thing. Making my way to the other side of the bed by climbing over him, I picked up my pants, slipping them on quickly. Leaning down towards his face, I planted a light kiss on his forehead and then left the room and then house. It'd be the last time I saw it if I had my way.

The weather was fairly warm and pants were really not the best idea. However, it was for the party last night and the way it was clinging to my skin was definitely a good thing. I wanted somebody to spend the night with and I'd need to look attractive to do that. Even if my skirts and shorts looked sexy too, I felt like the pants would be perfect. Not to mention it would make people glance at me on the street and then they could notice how I looked. It was abnormal to find somebody wearing pants. But I've been told before that I'm abnormal. And a bitch. And a whore. I'm used to those kinds of things so why would it bother me now? It didn't. And maybe somebody would think I was hot and want to talk to me. Then I'd have tonight covered. If anything, I could meet up with anybody and screw around with them.

I missed Cy. He was the only one that I had never spent a night with. The only one that I had never been with out of the guys I knew. I had slept with basically everybody else that I knew except for him. And I preferred it that way. If I ever did do that with Cy, I'm sure the feelings I felt for him would go away. He'd be just another boy that I spent the night with. I wanted to take things slow with him, even if he probably didn't feel the same way for me. I doubted he did. I mean, nobody ever really liked me. They just liked my boobs or how I looked or how well I could perform for them. But Cy actually treated me nicely and like a friend. He actually wanted to be my friend and not just another one night stand. That's what I liked to believe at least. It seemed like it was that way. I hoped it was that way.

Normally, I never talk about 'feelings'. The only feelings I have ever thought about were the ones that could be provided during a close night. I didn't really care about any of the others. I had already accepted that I'd never love cause nobody would ever love me. I was just the girl that would be used for pleasure and never cared for. I tried to accept it but it was too hard to just forget. I mean, I wanted the attention. And I'd be forgotten when everybody got married and started living a happy life. I'd just become the girl who stood at the corner of a street and hoped for some hopeless guy to walk by so I could try and sink my claws into him and get a night of him. That was one of my only insecurities. I wanted to be cared for I guess. Maybe denying it wasn't good.

I was almost to my house when I heard the shout from a girl. And then the girl is handing me a baby and asking me to watch him. She sets off after somebody who was clutching a bag to his chest. I held the baby close as she had left up until when she was hard to spot in the crowd. I looked down at the baby who was smiling up at me. His eyes were looking into mine with a confused expression that only made me smile. "Why hello there. Mommy will just be a second. My name is Lexi." I smile as well, showing off my white teeth to the little boy. He surprisingly didn't cry at all as I held him in my arms. And for a moment, I actually liked holding the little baby in my arms. But then the girl is back and thanking me for holding her boy. "Yeah, I think they should. Lazy buggers." I laugh quietly, handing the baby back to the girl.

"You alright now? Some guys." I shake my head slowly, thinking of the idiot who had taken her bag. Why would he even try to take that in broad daylight. He must have been a complete moron. "I'm Lexi. Lexi Fallon." I say as I put my hand out in front of me to shake hers. I liked this girl. And maybe I'd actually be able to make a friend for once. Or maybe I'd be able to cross off another night. Either was good with me.

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[Morgana]

Dignity Ryder

They say there's hope for the hopeless. That any person can be saved from whatever deep dark abyss they fall into if only they try hard enough. Anyone can be healed. I never believed that shit. When you've lived the kind of life I have, that kind of hope sounds too much like a fairy tale to be real. They say you can overcome your problems somehow. I never wanted to, never felt the need. Call me masochistic if you want, but it's the truth. Why get healed or fixed when you know that, in the end, you'll get hurt and broken again? It just wastes time, trying to forgive. There are some things just not meant to be forgiven, and some things not meant to be fixed.

I can honestly say that I hated what Uncle did to me, but it's hard to say the same about the aftermath. How can you not love something of your own flesh and blood? How can you not want to protect something so defenseless? Aspen is the one and only person I will take down my walls for. He is the only person I will ever forgive. I don't need anyone else, as long as I have him.

So why do I grasp Lexi's hand when she extends it? Why do I say, "It's nice to meet you. My names Dignity," as I shake her hand? I don't need her friendship, or even her acquaintance. I'm not made to have friends, or even make them. I tried having a friend once, but I got too busy with Aspen and work, and she with her own set of problems and priorities. Even if I were to decide I wanted a friend, when would I have the time? And who would want me? There are few my age that would want to be associated with a girl who already has a child. Few that wouldn't mind sitting around my house as I take care of Aspen and keep my life together just so they could see me. There's no reason anyone should care about me. But the words just keep spilling out. I can't stop them, no matter how much I scream at my brain to just turn around and go about my business.

"I hope Aspen didn't give you any trouble. He doesn't encounter strangers that much." I mentally kick myself. Does this girl look like she cares about your baby in the slightest? No! Actually, she looks like the kind of girl that gets all the boys. Someone who doesn't care what others think, or at least pretends not to. A little bit like me, actually, minus the child.

I shift Aspen to my other hip. He grasps my hair and starts chewing on the ends. It takes a while to untangle his chubby fingers from my hair, and once I do, he makes a grab for my hair again. This time, I let him be. I don't want to fight him for this. I'll just let him slobber up my hair. I've been meaning to wash it, anyway. "You know, I think I'm just going to leave now. I'm not good at this...this socializing thing. And I doubt you even care." Maybe my words are too blunt and biting, but since when have I cared about that? It's easier to just say what you mean than to tiptoe around it, afraid to squash someone's feelings.

[∂αмєη]

49526B - 9D4747 - DBDCE1

I guess I don't ever think about it. The fact that letting people just use my like a toy isn't good for me. It's not good for my health. With the various diseases and the constant threat of pregnancy, it is the furthest thing from healthy and safe. Maybe it's fun to just forget about the world, to relax and to just enjoy myself. But other than that, it's only really negative. All of it. But there's no point hating it because no matter what, I'm stuck doing it. Whether I like it or not. If I had a choice in the matter, I wouldn't be doing it. Actually, that might be a lie. Maybe I would because it is fun. It is a life that is filled with pleasure. But do I want to be like the girl in front of me? This Dignity girl. How ironic. I found Dignity. Or she found me. Either way, this is the first time in my life that I've been around dignity. I got rid of any dignity I could hope to have long ago.

When I lost my virginity. That's when I tossed it all out the door. I tossed everything out the door. Even the guy afterwards. He didn't even matter to me after it all. It was horrible. And it was painful. But it was how I began all of this. Without that day, I might not be the way I am nowadays. Instead, who would I be? An empty carcass of a person? Actually, that's probably too deep for me. I'd just be another regular person who lives in District Seven. People wouldn't know me. I'd be boring and simple. Not like sex makes me dynamic. It just makes me popular. And known by the world. Well, just District Seven. The world doesn't care about me. Unless I became a whore for the whole world. Which would be even worse. Much worse than just being a whore for District Seven. There would be so many guys and girls.

I shake my head to clear the thoughts away, focusing on the girl and her baby. "Trouble? Not at all. He's so cute." I smile and wave to the little boy, watching as he began to play with her hair. But then what she said next was surprising. A shock, almost. It took me completely by surprise. Only once in my life, I was told that I wasn't wanted. Only once before, somebody said they didn't want to talk to me and they didn't want to see me. It nearly broke my heart. Well, maybe there was one other time. But he didn't say it out loud. He just implied that he didn't want to spend the night. Which was fine because I don't want it to be like that between us. I think I actually like him, so why would I just use him for pleasure and let him use me to have a good time too.

But this girl. I barely knew her. Still, I needed a friend. A female friend. A female friend who could warn me of the dangers that you may face from sex. Maybe I needed that kind of person to fix me and to help me become a better person. Right now, I wasn't a good person. At all. The worst of the worst. I'd have sex for money, for items, for food, for happiness. Just to feel like somebody cares. But does anybody care? Probably not. Maybe that's what I need. It's not using somebody. She's getting a benefit out of it too. I throw my hand forward in hopes of grabbing hold of her arm to keep her back. "Wait. I do care. You seem like a great person and I'm kind of in need of friends right now and I like talking to you so far. Like..." I close my mouth and bring my hand back, looking down.

"I'm not good with any of this either. I'm only good with what comes after cause I don't actually focus on this part very much. But please, don't go yet."

[Morgana]

Dignity Ryder

Late December winds bringing pain back to me.

It's not the words that hit me, that jolt me. The words mean something, but I can't concentrate on them. They don't hit me right away. Because her hand on my arm, making me stay, shatters me. It rips at me, pulls me back into the mire. I am sent back to the place I tried so hard to escape, to the memories that haunt me.

Uncle's breath hot on my cheek. The weight of his body above me. His fists hitting me. Fingers slapping. Blaming me, and tricking himself into not caring. Curled on the floor afterwards, shaking, my heart already too broken. He couldn't break me any more than I already was. Screams. Sounds no one bothered to hear. Minutes passing by, and no one caring. Just me, alone. Aunt Iona knew, I think, but she never stopped it. Was it her fault? Or was it mine, for being alive? They hated me. Each and every moment, from the very start. If they'd had to pick one out of the four of us, they would have picked Arak. He wasn't dangerous. He was a good little boy. And I was always trouble.

I have to blink hard to spread the memories thin. It's hard to see past them. A simple, innocent touch has rocked me so hard, and I hate myself for that. For still being so weak. I left that place to get better. But despite everything, I'm still afraid. I can't deny that I'm terrified I'll see Uncle every day I leave the house. When I lived with him, I was numb. My feelings did not exist. Aspen woke something up in me. While it's fine when I'm with him, in cases like this, I hate it. Love is alright. It's a good emotion. But fear? There's nothing worse.

Collecting myself, I try to recall Lexi's words. I'm not sure what she means when she says "what comes after," and I don't think I care to know. She must not get out much if she thinks I sound like a great person. If someone can stand talking to me for more than two seconds, it has to mean something. I haven't had anything close to a friend in a long time, and with Aspen around, I don't think friendships would be that easy to maintain. Some part of me tells me I have to try, though.

I shift Aspen around, wincing when he tugs on my hair. I close my eyes for a few seconds, trying to wipe away any lingering memories. I swear I can still feel Lexi's hand on my arm. After I open my eyes, I plant my feet firmly on the ground, my body facing her. "I actually can't stay. I have some shopping I need to do. But you're welcome to come with me if you'd like. It would be nice to have someone help me carry bags for a change." This way, I'm getting more than one thing out of this. I will possibly get a friendship, but I will also get help carrying things. For once, I might not have to walk home with my bags spilling all over the place.

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[49526B] [9D4747] [DBDCE1]

Sex is like making friends. I know, I know, that's a weird comparison. Really though, it's true. You start off with exploring. I mean, while making friends, you have to find the right person. With sex, you kind of move around and learn the curves and weak spots of your partner. Then you move on to introducing yourself, ever so slightly. You get to know the person and with sex, you're slowly letting your bodies come in contact and you slowly introduce every bit of you to the other. Is it making sense now? Then there's the time when you keep that friendship going and when you keep the contact going. Eventually, it gets faster. It gets harder. And then, you reach the point when you know you're at the top. The friendship can't go any further than it is without going into a romantic relationship. And that's also the tip top of sex too. When there's no where else to go because either you, your partner, or both are finished. There? That make sense?

Either way, I was trying to introduce myself. I was trying to proceed to the next phase in order to actually get to know this girl. Was that weird? Yeah. Definitely was. I would already be trying to sleep with her by this point. Was that wrong because she was a mother? Nope. That sort of thing didn't stop me. I'd sleep with anybody if I had the chance. It wasn't because I liked it. Although, I did in most cases. I just had to. There was that desire that came from deep within that kind of made me have sex. If I didn't meet it, it just felt so weird and wrong. I'd start to feel sick or something. Like I was so empty. I need something inside of me to not be empty. And that doesn't necessarily mean somebody. But yet, here I was trying to make a friend. An actual friend.

She seemed to be so distant for a moment as if she had retreated into her mind. Maybe it was just me that was seeing things or maybe something about what I said had triggered an emotional response or something. That's what my teacher told me. Well, told me is kind of vague. I didn't learn it from class. He gave me tips for the year end test in exchange for a few things, if you know what I mean. Mr. Rerum will always be one of my favourites. He sure did have spunk. Not like the others. His teaching styles were fabulous. So, was this girl reacting in that manner? Was something in her brain lighting up because of something I said, bringing back memories that she had pushed away long ago in hopes of avoiding tragic experiences that have scarred her for life? Damn, Mr. Rerum. You can make me sound so smart.

It didn't matter. She was back in an instant and was speaking. I listened carefully, nodding in response and watching her eyes. Eyes never lied. If I asked somebody if they were liking it, I'd know by looking into their eyes. And most of the time, their eyes told me that they were enjoying themselves profusely. I mean, who wouldn't. I was sexy. I had curves. I was the perfect girl on the outside. If anybody had a problem with who I was, they could just go away. I wouldn't ever touch them again. Then they'd have nobody and they'd live a long life, alone. Doesn't that sound like somebody you know? Yeah, me. But that's alright. People will always want sex. I'll always want sex. It's not like anybody would settle down with me anyways. I am used to that feeling now. I'm used to not being wanted in more than just a sexual way. I'm used to being nothing more than a whore.

"Sure. I'd love to help. It looks like you need it." I smiled and move to walk beside her. For once, I wasn't imagining her naked just yet. Maybe that would come later. Who knows. For now, I would try to make a new friend. That was definitely something I was in need of. A friend who I could talk to. Maybe that was what I needed all this time. Somebody who I could open myself up to. A friend. A girl friend. Not a sex partner. Not a hook up. A friend.

[Morgana]

Dignity Ryder

I've been closing these doors for days.

When she agrees, I manage to smile back at her. If I remind myself what I'm doing this for, maybe it'll be easier. A friendship. It's something I've been lacking for a long time. I always convinced myself that I didn't need friends, that I was okay alone. But sometimes, things have to change. Nothing in the world stays the same for longer than a day. The sooner a person accepts that, the better. It's long past time for some change in my life.

I still can't shake the feeling of Lexi's hand on my arm. Does Uncle still have such a sharp grip on me that a single touch will haunt me for days? I hate this. I wish he was dead, so I didn't have to think about him any more, didn't have to worry about seeing him or wonder when he'd make the next move. If I could kill him, I would. If I had the opportunity, I'd do it in a heartbeat. The bastard deserves it. I never thought I was the killing type, but Uncle has a way of bringing out the worst in me.

I lead Lexi down the road. There's a store up here that sells things for a bit cheaper than the other places I've gone to. The food isn't as fresh and it doesn't taste as good, but at least it's filling. At least it's something. When I first moved out of Uncle's house, before I discovered this place, I had very little money. I had to spend more on food, so what I ate wasn't nearly enough to sustain me. I probably would have been able to eat a little better, but the boss at the sawmill wouldn't let me work my normal hours after he found out I was pregnant. You'd think he'd take pity on a single mother. A few months later, I had a sudden craving for green beans. I went out to the store, but it was late at night, so it wasn't open. After I wandered around a bit, I found a store that was open. It was cheaper, too, and I've been going there ever since.

We're almost there when I see him. For a moment, my heart stops. I start to shake. Get away. Grabbing Lexi's shirt with my free hand, I pull her into a nearby alley. I can't let him see me. Can't let him hurt me again. Honestly, part of me is surprised that I haven't seen him before now. Another part is glad that I finally have. I don't notice the tears on my cheeks until Aspen slaps at my face and makes blubbering sounds. I slide down the wall I was leaning against, the brick scraping against my back. Slowly, I pull in deep breaths, struggling to keep my breathing even. I can't do this now. Not in front of Lexi, a girl I've known for barely five minutes. I can't break down.

Rising to my feet, I take in a deep, slow breath. I have to do this, do it now. I have to get rid of him, and I don't care who sees. I shove Aspen into Lexi's arms, then pull out the small pocket knife I keep hidden in my shoe. "I don't expect you to understand what I'm about to do. But please, take Aspen and run. Go somewhere, anywhere. If I get caught, I don't want him to get hurt. He has to stay safe. I don't want to get you pulled into this whole thing either, so it's best if you just get away as far as you can." Flipping open the knife, I peer around the corner of the building. Uncle's still there, talking to some oaf and laughing. He has no idea what's coming. My hands are shaking hard, but I can't back down. "There's a man out there who's hurt me before, and I can't let him hurt me or anyone else again." I stare at her, waiting for her to say something, or do what I say and run. I can't leave until I know Aspen will be safe. He can't be punished for having a crazy person as a mother.