Lullaby [Sarella/Charity/Cass]

[Kire]

The stars were bright tonight. I could identify a bunch of different constellations, and many more I couldn't name. I had escaped the house after the younger kids had gone to bed, originally wanting time to myself to just think. I was glad that I got that, alone to lie on my back and gaze at the endless blue-black sky. I contemplated everything that was going on. Gus' affection for Ary, and vice versa, was very obvious. But it was also obvious that January cared for her too. Not to mention my own feelings for Aibrean. She still seemed to be blind to them, whether by choice or because I was disguising them I was uncertain. Perhaps I should do something to show her that I care. Maybe I should invite her out to lay beside me under the stars. It's beautiful out her, but it doesn't compare to her eyes. They are like starlit dewdrops, sparkling with kindness and joy. Great, now I'm going mushy. Next thing I know I'm going to be writing peotry and attempting to recite it to her in a vain stab at letting her know how I feel. A sigh escapes me and I link my fingers and put my hands behind my head. Maybe I should get some sleep, but I don't want to go inside. It's a warm spring night and the grass is soft beneath me. I close my eyes and begin to hum. It's a song that I've always known, even though no one had taught it to me. I guess my mother might have sang it to me, before she left. Or my dad, before he started beating me. My eyes open and I'm back to gazing at the endless abyss above me. The song swells in my throat and I open my mouth to sing.

"So just give it one more try to a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I'm reaching out
To let you know that you're not alone
And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell
'Cause I can't get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby"

Now, my voice isn't that great, but it gets the message across. It was soothing to me, fitting for a guy laying under the stars all by his lonesome. I'm beginning to wish I wasn't alone. But who would look for me here? Even if it was October that was here, I wouldn't mind. No, October was in bed. As was September, December and November. I think that Julyan was going to bed shortly after I left, but I wasn't sure about the others. February wouldn't sleep until we all were in bed, or maybe not until this morning. It depended on if she had to "work" tonight. She shouldn't have to, though, we've had a pretty good income this week. But she always sacrifices more for us, even if we're doing alright. Sometimes I wish I was half the person she was.

I think I'll just sleep out here. It's so peaceful, with only the sounds of animals settling down for the night, or preparing for the hunt. I was comfortable here, and the house could be stuffy at times. I had to share a room with January and Julyan. With January and Julyan leaving for their jobs early in the morning it can be annoying to be woken up. Sometimes, I sleep in the kitchen or living room. Sometimes I even just stay up all night. I feel like a guard dog at times, being posted closest to the door. I guess it's just instinct to want to protect my family. Is it instinct to want a break from them too?

I'm sure Gus knows what I'm talking about, him having to share a room with October and November. I think sometimes February sleeps in his room, though I never say anything. They are so close, it's almost a shame to see January be caught in the middle of it. Though, in truth, he kinda stuck himself there. He may be the oldest, but he's not always the wisest. Gus is more mature than him a lot of the time.

I wonder if Bre is caught between Toby and me in the same way. I hope not, but then she might have solidly chosen Toby. So, I have no clue as to what I should think, what I should hope for. If only I could find some answer in something. Oh well, maybe there will be something in the stars. There's definitely something in the air tonight, though I'm not certain of what. Maybe something will happen, or maybe everything will settle down. Another thing I just can't choose. Why must decisions be so hard? Sometimes I wish I was just a star, so I could just float up in the sky and sit there and watch the world. No decision making. No path taking. No difficult options. Just a simple life.

But don't we all wish for something simple.

[laphae8ash]

I slipped out the front door, the others were starting to calm down and I needed some fresh air. Taking care of 11 other people was a lot to deal with sometime, and with January's attitude lately I was close to losing my cool. The jealousy he had over Gus and I was getting out of hand. I cared about both boys, differently, but still enough not to want to hurt either. Gus was my heart, January was my head. Its so hard to pick one or the other, but the way January has been getting on is pushing me farther and farther away.

A few step out the door I nearly trample Marc, his body melding into the steps in the darkness. "Marc! What are you doing out here? I didn't even notice you left" my voice wasn't condecinding, but truthful. With so many other people in the house sometimes I couldn't know where everyone. Marc looked deep in thought and I sat next to him. "Thinking about her huh?" there was a hint of teasing in my voice, but in a playful not mocking way.

He was in love with Bre. It was written all over his face. Everytime he looked at her he sparkled, like the whole world was better. He wasn't the sullen, harsh, boy he let everyone else know when she was around. He smiled, he laughed, he was...fun. I just wish she'd realize it was her that made him so happy. Instead she was oblivious to his feelings, lost in her own little world.

It was like that with January, he didn't get that Gus was the one that made my heart race. He just thought that I could turn the feelings I had for him off and switch over to caring for him like the lamp in our living room. January was the Dad, I was the Mom. Thats how its supposed to be...but its not. I'm sure some of the others have caught on to just how frequently I'm slipping into Gus's room at night. I just feel safe around him, I know he'd do anything for me. Instead of being "mom" I'm just Ary.

I sighed and ruffled Marc's hair. "I know its hard. I'm going through it too." Marc is like my brother, one of the few who doesn't get all roughed up about my job, in fact he'd told me if any of my "friends" crossed the line he'd be the one to take care of it. He's a good guy, just needs to loosen up a bit if you ask me. "You ever think of just telling her?"

[/size]

[Sarella]

The sun warms everything,
Pure and gentle,
And once again it reveals to the world,
April's loving touch.

I've been laying here with my eyes closed for such a long time it might be morning. Under my blanket, I mean. I want to open my eyes. I don't know though, what if I open them and it's still dark? The dark can be very scary sometimes. I'll take my chances. I open my eyes, and momentarily cringe from the darkness. It's not morning yet. Moving slowly, I uncover my head, and then stand up, looking around my all the time. Why did night have to be so dark? Why couldn't it be bright like in the day? "Because the moon hates getting bright." I whisper to myself. Maybe it does. Isn't the sun like thousands of times larger than the moon? He must feel so pressured when he's asked to be brighter! Or maybe he's scared that people wouldn't get enough sleep. Maybe he can't make himself brighter. He's just too weak.

I find the wall and scrunch close to it. Then I slowly creep along it, trying to find a place I can sleep. I get to the table and try sitting in a chair to sleep, but it's too creepy. What if the chair doesn't like getting sat on all day, and wants to have a break at night? Then a great realization comes to me. What if my blanket is tired of being put on top of people? It kept me awake so I'd get up? Now everything seems scary, not liking me and all. I don't want things to hate me just because I use them. I look down at the floor. Then a deep shiver goes through me the floor is going to hate me too, for putting pressure on him. I leap onto the chair, but then get off. "Goodness goodness goodness" I mutter.

I stand on the floor for a bit, wondering what to do. Then the thought completely tumble out of my brain and I get back on the wall, and wonder why I didn't just do that in the first place. Wait, what was I doing? I freee on the wall and slide down to sit. Why did I get out here? Oh this night is so confusing. I put my head between my knees and close my eyes. I cover my ears with my hands and attempt to droan out the sounds of the animals. I just want to sleep. Why can't I sleep? Does sleep hate me? I unblock my ears and cover my face in thought.

"Marc what are you doing out here?" Someone said, breaking the silence I'd enjoyed with my hands covered, "I didn't even notice you left." How did they get over to the door? That was confusing, how could they get from bed to door without passing me, nonetheless using the floor? I lean forward and get onto my knees, peering over to the door, where it's all dark except the stars in the sky. Oh those stars are bright and pretty. I sit back down, but scoot closer to the door where I can look at the stars without anyone noticing me. I smile a bit and just stare at them, all the while eavesdopping, hoping to catch how they got over there. I only know one or the other is Marc. I can't tell who the other is, my eyes need to focus to the darkness.

"Thinking about her huh?" The same eprson asks. I zone out and start looking at the tars again. That was going to be a boring conversation compared to those bright, pretty stars. Why are they bright and not the moon? They look so much smaller, so how could they possibly have more power than the moon? I rub my head and stop asking. Too many questions.

My chest feel tight and my throat clenches. What the...? Then a loud cough comes out, multiple ones, over and over. I sit up and cover my mouth for the last few. I sit there, criss crossed, wondering how tor espond to this sudden burst of coughing. "Did you hear that?" I ask semi-quietly. I hope they didn't. I want to look at the pretty stars for a while.

[cass]

-- Augusto Lakely --

Doing
Deep Thought
Talking
Hearing

I felt my anger slowly die, slowly fade once more into the background of my life, once more bringing forward what my life was and the effects of everything I just said. I dump myself down on the bed, and rub my hand gently over the old tattered blankets. I wondered if Ary was upset, or if she was even crying right now. This thought made me bite my lips as I held back the tears that would surely spill. The truth was I really did love her. I knew I did. I just didn’t have the guts to go up and tell her. Not when I didn’t know how she really felt about January. I look over the old bed and can’t help the smile that creeps once more onto my face. I can still remember the last few nights. Ary had snuck into my bed and we had just lied there wrapped in each other, or just whispering little things. Telling each other there problems, or the little things that they told no one else, it was my favourite thing to do.

I sigh with regret knowing that I could have just wrecked all of that. Slowly I get up to my feet and with a lst look at the bed I head out into the hall. My feet move silently on the ground. I wondered how long had I sat there for. The house looked dark, maybe they all were sleeping, but I knew I had to find February. I had to tell her I was sorry. I was sorry that I had hurt her. I had ignored her look, but I had wanted to. I needed to tell January how I felt. It had felt good to yell and scream at him. Even if my words seemed dumb and like a pile of rubbish it made me feel good. The stairs make no sound beneath each touch of my foot. A voice floats up to me and I freeze.

I stop and tilt my head towards the sound to hear it better. “"I know it’s hard. I'm going through it too." I bite my lip to stop the words that wanted to spill. I didn’t quite understand what she was talking about, but I knew from that voice that it was Ary. I knew her voice and the way it sounded so musical, but light and friendly. He never heard her sounding grumpy. He hoped he never would. He takes a step closer. He knew he shouldn’t listen. He knew with every fibre of his body he should make his presence known, but he couldn’t bring himself to take another step closer. "You ever think of just telling her?" Her voices flits over to me once more. I freeze again. I even hold my breath. I listen carefully for any more words, but I hear nothing.

There is a sharp pain in my chest and I realise stunned that I was still holding my breath. I take in a deep breath sucking in the air. The pain dulls as oxygen begins to race normally around my body. I hesitate. I knew I needed to go out there and talk to her, but Ary’s words confused me. Did she really like January? Was I just a barrier in their way? Did she care for me? The questions swirled in my head. Taking a deep breath I move closer to the door. As the lull of silence continues I decide that this would be a good time to enter. I look over to the door, and step into the opening. I work out into the garden. “Ary? I need to talk to you.” I call softly. I spot her sitting on the ground beside Marc. I give them a wave. “Ohai Marc ‘sup?” I ask grinning. I walk over to them and settle myself down beside Ary. I needed to talk to her, but if she wanted to talk to Marc I would wait.

I smile at them. I was happy, even though I felt a touch of doubt at Ary’s words. I pushed them aside for the moment though. “Sooooo, what were you guys talking about?” I say grinning.

[Kire]

Footsteps rustle softly in the grass and I see a figure loom over me. For a moment I'm worried that I was going to be stepped on, but it seemed that whoever it was had noticed I was here. I blink a moment as I try and figure out who it was, but then she spoke and I realized it was February. "Marc! What are you doing out here? I didn't even notice you left." She didn't sound as though she was scolding, or even worried. She must have truly not have noticed me leave. Then again, it wasn't all that surprising. She was dealing with a chaotic household of eleven people plus her, and being the proposed 'mother' of the group she was tasked with the job of trying to maintain order. It was no wonder she didn't notice. I can't really blame her either. She sat beside me, a comforting figure in the darkness, and I knew her eyes were on me. Again, not condescending, almost teasing in fact. Her voice even had a playful ring to it. "Thinking about her huh?" Was it that easy to guess? I had let my guard on my emotions down while I was all alone, and there had been time before I had realized her presence when she might have seen my expression. But it still daunted me that it was so easy to tell. What other secrets did my expression betray?

I watched her for a moment, wondering how much she knew of my feelings for Aibrean. Surely I was able to hide them better than that? Not everyone could know about it. Aibrean sure didn't. Did everyone know? Was it just that Bre didn't care, or did I just hide my feelings from her most of all? A small scuff, like a cough, reached my ears and shook me from my thoughts. Then there was a whisper. It was all I could make out, and I turned my head to look back at the house. Perhaps one of the younger kids was up getting a drink. But there were no lights on, that was odd. I might have just been hearing something, or mistaken sounds from other people as noises from my own house. I didn't think I was that paranoid, but you never know. Ary's voice startles me and I glance at her sharply, turning my head rapidly. "I know its hard. I'm going through it too." But wasn't her situation different? I wasn't caught between two people, I was just stuck on my love for one person. And my inability to tell her about it. "You ever think of just telling her?"

Her question catches me off guard. Do I think about telling her? All the time. In reality, I'm not sure why I don't. Even knowing whether she liked me or not would be better than this dance I'm doing, dodging the truth and any mention of it, too afraid to take the next step. Yes, I was afraid. I was afraid of being told no. It wasn't my ego that would be hurt, it would be my heart. I may have previously dated girls because I wanted to feel like I belonged, like I was 'cool'. But I don't do that anymore. Not since I met Aibrean. Aibrean Rain; the girl who took my heart, and doesn't even know. But maybe she could? Maybe she should. If only I would just tell her.

More footsteps in the grass. Someone was coming, now there would be three of us out here. I turn my head as the movement stops, trying to find out who it is. Augusto walks toward us, his eyes on Ary. He stops for a moment before he greets us. No, just her. "Ary? I need to talk to you." It was then that seemed to notice me. I didn't mind though, he seemed a little distracted. And besides, he hadn't nearly stepped on me. He waves at us now, "Ohai Marc ‘sup?" He grinned at me, I could see the corners of his mouth extend up just slightly. He now makes the rest of the way over to us, and sits beside Ary. He's smiling now, but I could tell that he was primarily focused on Ary. No surprise though, their almost-relationship was no secret. It's why January was always so tense when he and Gus were in the same room, especially with Ary there. They were a ticking time-bomb, and it had just blown up today. He seemed all smiles now though, "Sooooo, what were you guys talking about?"

I looked to Ary before shifting my gaze back to Gus. Should I answer Ary, or just begin a conversation with Gus and try to pretend she had never asked me a question? I wasn't sure if I wanted Gus to know about me liking Aibrean, so I would wait until later before talking more to Ary about it. I settled my eyes on Gus and tried to smile. He's a nice guy, and pretty logical too, but I was in a bit of a wishy-washy mood at the moment. "Hey Gus." I paused a moment and looked at Ary. I hoped she wouldn't mind me dropping the subject. "We weren't really talking about anything. Just saying that it was a nice night to be outside and such." My lie was easy to see through, but I hoped that Gus would leave it be. And Ary too, for that matter. I shot Ary another glance, trying to convey my thoughts to her through my gaze. All we needed now was for Aibrean to join us, and we would have a group of four. An emotionally tense group of four. But at least then I might have my chance. I looked between Gus and Ary again. If I don't blow it, that is.

[laphae8ash]

Marc blows off my questions, but to be honest, I don't even care that he did. Gus walks up and the butterflies in my stomach start, I'm still upset that he let loose on January in front of the kids. I know he was just defending me. He was doing what any one who truely cared about me would...but the younger ones didn't need to see that. Especially December. She was having a hard enouh go as it is.

He sat down next to me and asked to talk, I nodded and leaned my head on his shoulder. I can't stay mad at him, even if I wanted to. "Well talk later Gus, I promise." He had to understand there was a time and place for things and right now it was just too beautiful and quiet of a night to go back inside to the chaos. I gave Marc a quick wink to let him know I was thankful he backed me up with the beautiful night line. He had a lot in common with Gus, too bad they never got together enough to hang out.

The stars sparkled above us, they were hard to see sometimes since we lived in the central part of the city, but tonight they were brilliant. "Marc, thanks for the bread, it was a great treat tonight to have real food on the table." What I was really trying to say was Thanks for giving me a night away from the horrible disgusting men who think I'm nothing but a useless whore. It is what I am though. I'm a whore.

I close my eyes pushing the thoughts away, those thoughts stayed at "work" with "Roxie". I didn't exsist when I went out. I left Ary at the doorstep, Ary was a good person, "Roxie" was the trash of the earth doing something only desperate women did. Maybe thats why I'd never let go and pick a guy, maybe its because I didn't want either to have to deal with the fact they weren't the only one getting to touch me and be with me. Maybe its because I thought they both were too good for me.

I snuggled closer to Gus, just wanting to make these horrible feelings release their hold of me. He was my protector, he never let me down. Sighing I asked the guys the million dollar questions, "Am I a bad person for what I do?" I opened my eyes waiting for the responses I didn't want to hear.

[/size]

[Sarella]

Says, Hears, Other

Footsteps. I hear footsteps. Scrambling up a bit, I watch a dark figure go outside. I don't think I was noticed at all. I sigh with relief and zone away from voices again, staring at the sky. The sky is always beautiful, no matter what season it is. I heard that in some Districts, you can see Auraura Borealis. My teacer told me about that. It's when a few pretty colors go in the sky and dance around for a bit. I do wish I could actually see them, it might be absolutely wonderful, but all I get is the stars. I guess that's alright though. These stars are what I am used to, and they are what I will love, because they are at my home. I love my home. I also love all my friends, they are special to me.

I have no idea how much time passes before I hear a mention of the word 'bad', which sends me looking in the direction of the word. "Am I a bad person for what I do?" Is the exact phrase. I never actually did know what Ary did. Yah, I'm guessing it's Ary because she tone of voice can only be madde by her. That means Gus is probably the one next to her. Goodness! I figured it out! All in all, I wonder what Ary does. I get up slowly and quietly, and listen to try and hear what the others would say. Typical me, being so curious. I don't hear a single word though. Curiousity takes controle of me and I take a few steps out the door. I hope it's not bad of me to eavesdrop. Very slowly, I creep across the grass to were everyone is sitting.

I sit on the other side of Ary, close to Marc. I never really asked before what she did, and no one ever talked about it. Whenever someone brought it up she tried to shove it away, like today. I feel awkward listening in without permission. It wouldn't be very nice to do that. I want to be nice, so that is why I won't do that. "Hi guys." I say slowly and quitely while breathing out. I look at Gus, wondering what mood he was in now, after what happened at dinner. I hadn't expected everyone to be so nuts. It scared me a bit too, with the shouting and the hurt feelings. I'm just lucky I never get involved in any of that. Sometimes.

What does she do, anyways? Ary hides it so much. I actually don't think it would be wise to ask her what she does, but I really want to know. There is just something nagging at me telling me not to ask, and usually my nags are right. I look at Marc and then at Gus, then back at Ary. What is it that you do Ary? I think. In the darkness I spot a lone daisy sticking up from the ground by my leg. I reach a finger forward and stroke it, not looking at Ary, listening sharply to see if the boys would answer her question. Whatever it is, Ary must think it's bad. The fact she thinks it's bad makes me seriously want to know.

Pretending I didn't hear the question, I ask one of my own. "'You guys alright?"

Tags: The Yearlings | Words: 558
Other: Museless...

Template by Bryya

[cass]

-- Augusto Lakely --

Doing
Deep Thought
Talking
Hearing

I make myself more comfortable, placing my hand on the ground and angling my body towards Ary. With my other hand I reach for hers and grab it in my own. They were hands I trusted, and wanted. I knew that if she didn’t come lie in my bed with me tonight I would probably not sleep. Today had been strange. It had been really emotional. I interlock my fingers with hers. They were soft, but cold from the night air. My hands were warm and easily engulfed hers with a flood of warmth.

As always I felt my heart quicken as she looked at me her brilliant eyes taking me in. I loved her eyes. I loved her. Gently she rests her head on my shoulder and I let out a content sigh. I was happy, so very happy with all of this. It made me smile. Just for a moment I forgot about all my troubles I let myself sink into a happiness I hadn’t felt for some time. I eye Marc as he makes himself more comfortable on the ground. Even though my hand hurt, I didn’t want to move, having Ary on my shoulder was enough for me to stay still. For her.

Her hair smelt amazing, and I I knew I could smell it for ages. But I stop myself. I wanted to laugh at my own thoughts, at how I felt. I never thought I could love someone. But I do. I just wish I knew for certain how she felt. My eyes travel over the darkness that surrounds us. I look at the door to the house where the light spilled onto the grass. The shadows reached outwards like greedy fingers. Suddenly my stomach was rumbling. And I realise I had forgotten to eat. I sigh. It was my fault, but I wasn’t going to let January hurt Ary. He had made her cry and to me that was worse then anything I could ever do.

My eyes briefly search Ary’s face, but the pain from before seem to be gone. Her eyes were closed and she snuggled in closer to me. I smiled. So very happy. "Am I a bad person for what I do?" I stop as the words hit home. I knew what Ary did, how could I not? I knew about Roxie and everything she did. It often made me feel sick. It made me feel disappointed to know that I couldn’t help her. I knew that if I was better I could stop it. I knew that if I earned more money maybe she wouldn’t have to give herself away. Suddenly I feel sick. In a way I knew that she selled her body because I was incompetent I could do nothing to help the family.

She did a horrible thing to help the family. I didn’t feel worthy of her. I wanted to pull myself away from her, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t tell her I felt sick, because I was a horrible person that could do nothing to help. And the fact that if I earned more money maybe she wouldn’t be doing this. But I couldn’t because I loved her. Even though she did it, even though I knew sleazebags and other disgusting filth touched my girl I still loved her. Isn’t that what love was? Sticking with them through the good and the bad? It didn’t matter what they did. You had to stay with them.

My tongue felt glued to my mouth, but I knew I had to say something. Then suddenly I hear a sound. My head snaps to the side, and I take in the small figure of Aibrean. A force a smile onto my lips as she settles herself down beside Marc. I could see his tension, but I didn’t know why. I look back at Ary and I knew I had to tell her how I felt even if There were people watching. I cared about her too much for her to hate herself. I ignore Aibreans words, focusing instead on the beautiful girl in front of me.

”Ary, no matter what you do you will never be a bad person. You are so special. If I had to describe you in a million words, the word bad would never come close to that list.” I’m not good with words, I have never been a person that can just make words flow, but I was proud of what I had said. But it all still felt incomplete, then it hits me and the words tumble from my mouth before I can stop them. “I love you.” I breath only softly enough for her ears to hear.