Hanging On [Sandra]

[Deleted]

HUGO DELGADO

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Being Hugo Delgado is like hanging onto the side of a cliff.

You’re using so much energy, just trying to keep from plummeting towards your doom, that maybe it would just be better…
...Better to just let go.

That’s what I do every day: I hang on. Even when the rough rock cuts into my skin, I don’t let go. I just can’t.
Yet, I can’t pull myself over the edge either.

So where am I supposed to go?
That’s something I’ve never been able to figure out,
Not while I’m caught up in this stalemate.

My thoughts are muddled, but I don’t bother to try sorting them out. I try to convince myself that I’m happy with who I am, but even my mind is unconvinced.

Taking a few steps down the sidewalk, I reach the gym. This is where all of the Careers go after school, or at least all of the good ones. I saunter up the steps and open the giant doors, a burst of air hitting me straight on.

I walk down a small hallway and enter the main gym. It’s packed. I see a few guys I know on the other side, spears in hand. “Hey man!” One of them shouts. I give him a silent wave as I make my way towards the group. This is where Hugo Delgado belongs, right? An unsettling feeling fills my stomach, but I quickly push it away. I want to be the best, and if this is what it takes, then so be it.

When I reach the group, I pick up a sword as one of the guys makes a joke I can’t make out.

I laugh along anyways.

I guess that’s who I am: the kid who laughs because everyone else laughed, the kid who fights because everyone else fights, the kid who just hangs there at the edge, only a few moments from falling, and a few moments from rising. I shrug my thoughts away, but am interrupted as the gym door opens, and someone else walks in…

OOC: Sorry it's so short! I promise I'll write more next post(:
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[cassandraburns]

I look at my brother, his dark eyes staring into mine. They were nothing in comparison with my eyes. His were a dark brown, mine a light blue. My eyes weren't moist and puffy, but they might as well have been, because they were just as concerned as usual when this boy came into the gym. "Why do you need to train?"

He stared back at me for a long moment. I could see the pain inflicted in his eyes, and then the sense of sorrow. I looked back at the other boys, who were walking over here, but I turned away quickly before I could see what they were doing. "Because I have to..." He whispered in my ear, and walked over to the group, two swords now in each of his hands.

I winced as they continued to talk. My brother was 17, just one more year until he woud try and volunteer in the Reaping. I smile as him anyways, though, and, after waving goodbye, I walked out.

Walked out of a place I never wanted to be again. Even though, my brother, that one, was the only one in my family truly nice to me, so I returned the favor.

'No....' I thought. I need to return the favor. I wasn't sure what I meant with this at the time, but when I walked in, I piked up a throwing knife, and threw it at a practice target- I missed completely.

[Deleted]

HUGO DELGADO

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Desperate to stop hanging over the edge of this cliff I like to call social status, I let my eyes stray from my tasks, looking for an opportunity to prove myself.

Isn’t that all I ever do? Prove myself?
When will it be enough?

I watch the new girl as she walks in; her face looks familiar, but I can't tell why. Turning back to my sword, I give it a thrust. However, I soon realize the rest of the group has shifted their attention to the girl with the knife. What is she trying to prove? She is skinnier than a stick. I’m surprised she can hold the knife in the first place.

I watch her every mistake, as she positions herself to throw: gripping the knife in the wrong place, bad stance, no focused aim, using no shoulder strength for power. She’s basically got it all wrong, no questions asked. When the knife goes flying, it doesn’t even hit the dummy. Figures.

A couple of guys start laughing. What wimpy little girl would have the nerve to come into a training gym like this? One of the guys nudges me. “You got your eyes on her, Hugo? Huh? Huh?” He jokes. “You wanna go talk to her?” Some of the other guys break into utter laughter. I hear a few murmurs of agreement as a couple of the guys egg me on.

“Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely,” I joke along. I take a few steps over to the girl, looking back before proceeding. Laughs are still seeping from my mouth as my feet stumble over each other. In the few seconds before I reach her, I think of something witty to say, something that will really bring the others into hysterics.

I lean slightly as I stand before her, trying to look intimidating. “So, you uh, training for the circus? Hmm? Your face might make it in, but you got a long way to go before your skill will,” I say casually. I hear the guys guffawing behind me. I look to them, watching as a few of them flash a thumbs-up sign at me. Only one of the guys isn't laughing...

For a second, I wonder if my words might have done actual harm. I swallow down the guilt, quickly erasing that thought from my brain. I just succeeded, hadn’t I? You can’t always think of others, not when there’s something as important as this at hand.

I wanted in. I needed in. I deserved to be in that social circle.

I was almost over the cliff.

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[cassandraburns]

It was undescribable. The ammount of embaressment I felt was to the point of filling over the cup. I swallow what seemed to be pain. But noy physical pain. No, emotional pain. The kind of pain you feel when you get your heart broken by someone you love, or, when someone close to you dies. It's a horrible feeling that I don't want. A horrible feeling that I never want, but it was there- like a knife pierced into my brain, right where all of my emotions are stored.

"I... I-" I stop, looking at my brother for help. And for a horrible second, it seemed like he wasn't going to help. But it took me a moment to realise that the only way he could truly help me was by not helping me. I shake my head, my face now red, and pick up a spear. Stramgely enough, this felt right- unlike when I was holding the knife. This felt like it was in perfect balance in my hands.

Sighing, as if trying to prove my worth, I throw it across the room, as it impaled the same dummy I went for last time. And, not only did it hit it, but it hit its neck, inches away from a bullseye. I do a quick, disrespectful curtsey, and storm out of the gym.

[Deleted]

HUGO DELGADO

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For a moment, I don't know what to do. The next few seconds fly by in a flash. I'm blinking so much, unable to believe what's right in front of me, that I almost miss it. I almost miss seeing that spear sever the dummy right at its neck. It's so fast...so unexpected. I almost jump back in surprise.

The other guys have stopped laughing. Everyone has put on a serious face, stunned by this turn in events. That's when it hits me: the reason that girl looks familiar. She's a sister of one of the other guys. This hits me with surprise almost as much as the spear had.

I stumble backwards a few steps, not knowing how to respond. The other guys seem confused to, like they've just been shown up. I've just been shown up. After taking one last look at me and the other guys, the girl storms out of the gym. The look she gave me really starts to work at my brain.

It looked almost disgusted, as though she was asking what kind of despicable human beings we were. I thought about it: who was I? A monstrous Career? It sure seemed like it, didn't it? A few whispers arise throughout the group, yet my eyes are still focused on the door. Guilt settles in my stomach.

I try to push my conscience away, but this time, it doesn't want to leave. I'm slipping off the edge of the cliff again; my footing is becoming unsteady. This time, I'm not trying as hard to grab on.

I'm letting myself slip. I want to apologize, but at the same time, I want to be popular. I want to be a Career.

Why does life make you choose?

I divert my gaze from the door to the place where the girl had last stood. Her jacket lay on the ground. I quickly rush to it, picking it up gently. I can feel the others' eyes burning into the back of my head, but I try to ignore the feeling.

"What you doing, Delgado?" One of them shouts.

"I'll be right back. Just gonna go burn this," I lie. A few of them snicker and I smile. I'm a bit surprised at the fact that some of them believe me, but I guess that's how Careers sometimes are: stupid.

I quickly exit the gym, running to find the girl. Just apologize and leave, I think, but somehow I have the slightest notion that it might not end up working that way...

"Hey, you out here?" It would work better if I knew her name. The sky above me is unsettling, and in only a few moments, I feel raindrops as they fall, one by one, slowly from the sky. "You forgot your jacket!" I shout. The next few words don't slip from my lips easily, but they do. "Look, I'm sorry, okay?"

I finally catch up to the girl, waiting for her response.[/size][/blockquote][/justify][/color]

[cassandraburns]

I turn around, frowning. For a second, I don't even realise who this girl is, but then I remember that horrible memory just a few moments ago. But, it felt like it was already gone, in my mind however, I knew it wasn't. "Oh..." That's all I say, as I remain in my awkwards position. "Thanks..." I grab the jacket quickly, as rain drops now cover it.

An uneasy feeling settles in my stomache, as I hear yelling coming from the gym. It makes me feel uncomfortable, and I don't like it. I also don't like this boy.... I think. "Don't mind me though, I'm off to the circus." I shrug, and look up into the sky, which is now a dark gray. Sighing, I force a smile and look back at your eyes.

[Deleted]

HUGO DELGADO

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Just walk away, I try to convince myself. Now would be the perfect moment. Yet, that would leave the situation to remain disclosed. Just saying the words "I'm sorry," wasn't good enough.

"Don't mind me though. I'm off to the circus." The words almost kill me. She's mocking my own words. I sigh, thinking of how I could repay her. Hearing noise from the gym, I look back at it, unsure. Maybe I should just leave. The others might think I've ditched them. Honestly, would this girl really care? Would it really make a difference if I pay her back or not? Being high up on the social circle is what matters. It's what will make you a Career, a fighter, and maybe even a Peacekeeper.

Being a Peacekeeper...what would that be like? I immerse myself in the thought of it. I would be at the top; standing up on that cliff, just watching as everyone else hung below me, still climbing. I wouldn't have to worry about falling, because I'd have my own personal railing. I would never fall. I would never fail--not if I was living that life.

My thoughts are interrupted by a raindrop that lands directly on the tip of my nose. I look back at the girl, stuck in the middle. "Don't mind me. I'm off to the circus." The words echo through my brain. Had I really said something that mean? Of course I had. I wanted to feel included...

"Look," I say, moving closer to the girl and taking her hand in mine, just to show my appreciation "I'm sorry. I really am. I didn't mean it. I just...the guys...it's complicated. It's like a big game of politics. You gotta get 'em to like you, you gotta look cool, or you'll never be up there in that Career pack." I can't believe how honest I'm being about it. "Just, don't repeat that to anyone."

I look down, feeling a bit ashamed. I don't want to be a monster, but I do want to be included; and if I have to choose, I guess it would be better to be at the top, living as a person you know you aren't...

Than living at the bottom, where it doesn't matter who you are, because you get teased for it anyways.

I'd rather have it all, than have nothing...

I drop the girl's hand, about to walk away, but another question comes to my mind. I don't want to leave, not just yet. I feel like I still have more to repay, not just for the words, but for the laughing, for the humiliation, for the publicity of the entire event. I can't leave yet. What will the guys say when I come back in? Will they have enough intelligence to realize that I hadn't gone to burn the jacket, but rather talked to the girl who had owned it? "...Is that your brother in there? The one that looks like you? I dunno, I'm just curious." [/blockquote][/color][/size][/justify]

[cassandraburns]

I wanted to close my eyes, to shut you out. I let my hands lay loosely in yours, frowning as the rain comes down harder and harder. I begin to wonder about my brother, what he was up to, and I wondered which side he was taking. 'No...' I think to myself. 'There is no side if there isn't a fight, and there isn't a fight because a fight would mean both sides have a chance of coming out to the top.'

I shake my head at my own thoughts, horrified. 'What a silly little game...' I think to myself. 'How pathetic we children are....' "You gotta get 'em to like you, you gotta look cool, or you'll never be up there in that Career pack." The words wail in my ear like a siren, and I have to force myself not to cover up my ears in habit, because the problem was internal, as was the sound.

The rain continues to slosh down, and, a horrible wind causes my hair to blow around my head and into my face. Under different circumstances, I might laugh and say 'Nature was out to get me.' But, the Careers were out to get me, not nature. Was I stuck in the middle? Could I fit in with the Careers and make mom and dad proud? They were peacekeepers, so they didn't have much time to pay attention to us, so they reserved it for my two older brothers.

I look at you in disbelief, as a lone leaf hits the back of my head. "No." I start out, but then I realize you might think that was directed towards the question. "No, you don't have to stick in with them, I don't and I am just fine. I actually enjoyed showing up to them just a moment ago. I'm not one of them, and my life is just fine, I don't want to be like them, I don't want them to change me. If I go into the Hunger Games, I definately don't want to enjoy killing other kids. Not like them. Not like the Careers." I add this with much confidence.

"And to answer your question: Yes, he is my brother." I wrap my arms around myself to keep my body heat trapped, and wait for you to answer that, because even though you were a snob to me five minutes ago, I didn't have to repay the favor, I could even help you if I tried.

And I am trying.

[Deleted]

HUGO DELGADO

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Each second brings a new wave of discontent. I am being pushed into something I do not want to approach. I had wanted this conversation to be terse, however, it's almost like this girl is asking me to leave my past behind.

I am a Career: she has to know that. Leaving would be suicide. "I can't just...walk out, on being who I am." I look at her straight in the eyes. She doesn't understand what it's like to be a Career; she doesn't understand the glory involved. She thinks she knows me, but really, she has no idea. I smirk the slightest bit, realizing I had been a fool to involve myself in this conversation in the first place.

Running away from who you are, is exhilarating. It's like running away from home. Somehow, you always end up turning back. You usually have to, considering very few people can plan an event like that, well.

Running from yourself is no different. At some point, you have to sink back into the person you used to be. You can't keep living a lie.

I sigh, letting the grin fade. "You just don't understand." I shake my head, looking down at the ground beneath my feet.

OOC: Sorry this is so short and bad. I'm really tired. D:[/size][/blockquote][/justify][/color]