When words aren't enough [Kay]

[pthalorarity]

Through each regret and each goodbye
was a mistake too great to hide

[/i][/color]

It was eating Julian alive, the days spent inside the training center as he was forced to sit back and watch the tributes train. He wanted nothing more than to push every trainer out of his way and teach Elon Emberstatt everything himself. Granted, he knew Mace was helping as much as he could, but Mace was not Julian. Elon didn’t have the brute force of his older brother and Mace’s fighting tactics would never be suitable for him. Julian knew better than to rush in though and constantly held himself at bay. If he were caught helping an opposing District, who knew what punishment he would face. Whether he was a much favored Victor or not, he doubted that sort of an offense was something he could fully get away with.

There wasn’t much time left however, and today would likely be his last opportunity to have any assemblage of communication with Elon before he would have to enter what may very well be his grave. Tomorrow would bring the tribute’s private training sessions. The thought clutched at Julian’s heart, squeezing it and preventing him from properly receiving the oxygen it needed. He couldn’t be alone again. And for as much as he wanted to, he had no idea how to reach out to Mace now… Besides Mace had broken his promise anyway, and he had a son now—well, at least that’s what Julian kept telling himself so he could keep his distance more easily.

He ran his fingers through his blonde locks mindlessly as he sat in the dining hall. Lunch had ended not long before and he’d left Elon a little note to meet him back here for a moment if he could manage to slip away. Julian let out a sigh, his eyes drifting up to the clock and back to the door. In the corner of his vision, he caught a glimpse of his reflection from a mirror against the wall. He gave a small grimace and quickly tried to at least fix his hair back into place. There was no hiding the bags under his eyes though, not even with the Capitol make-up.

In the past several nights, his panic attacks had returned in such force that he had not seen since the days following his and Mace’s falling out. He couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t eat and it was quickly taking its toll. To top it all off, there was a constant onslaught of interviews to be had and parties to attend, and he had to save face for all of these events. He was itching to get his hands on some sleeping serum again, but getting it had become an issue since Glitch had been made well aware of his tendencies with the stuff. He wasn’t even a tribute any more and he was still being babied; needless to say, Julian Bryze was not pleased.

His light eyes flickered back and forth between the clock and doors once more, about to give up, when one of the double doors clicked to open. Julian quickly recomposed himself, sitting up upon the table with proper posture, his legs crossed as the younger Emberstatt brother came into view. "Hey," Julian said with a small smile, not wanting to make the moment any drearier than it already was. “I wanted to be able to properly say goodbye before you enter the Arena. I wasn’t sure I’d have another chance…” He tried to keep his tone positive, but couldn’t help but trail off in the end. Even Julian couldn't deny himself the truth of Elon's odds. They didn't look to be in his favor.
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[Baby Wessex d9b [earthling]]

This is my December, this is me alone, and I just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed

It had been surprisingly easy for me to slip away from Mace. I suspected that he wanted more time with his son, my nephew, which was understandable. I didn't want to be any more of a burden than I already was. So when I told him that I wanted to practice a little on my own, just to test myself, he conceded and mumbled something about giving Aranica time to rest. It made me lift an eyebrow now and again until I remembered that Mace had always been excited about new children in the community home - well, excited as Mace got about anything. Interested was probably a more accurate description.

And I realize that it's a relief to see Mace interested in his son. Certainly I was eager to meet Kieran, but it was hard to read Mace on that front. Sometimes he seemed eager and others totally aloof. To watch his day to day involvement in the boy's life insofar as he can be involved... it's rather endearing. And I wish I had more time to witness it.

I carry that thought in my throat now, so heavy that it steals my voice away more times than not. I'm not sure I'll be much of a conversationalist for Julian, but as always I look forward to seeing him, to hearing him. It's still a little strange to have the visual of him after so long studying the emotions in his voice. He gives more away through talking, I've decided. He's worked so hard on schooling his face to be free of expression that I might as well be talking to him on the phone. For the most part. His distracting features aside.

I do my best not to chew on the side of my thumb - already sore from all of the worrying I've done lately - as I return to the dining hall. It is transformed by the lack of bodies, by the sheer space in between. Julian would be easy to spot anywhere, though, crowded or not. I walk towards him, head cocked slightly to one side, curious as to what this summons means. As he's already seated, I scoot onto the bench beside him, an arm's length of space between us. It seems too formal to sit across from him, although there is a certain awkwardness as I settle in, and then drape one arm across the table so that I can turn towards him. And I really want to do it put my head in my hands and cry.

The lump in my throat is thick, making my Adam's apple bob ridiculously as I find a few words. "Would it be possible for us to not do this?" I ask haltingly, trying to find some mental escape from this torture. I wish I could be like Mace, the way he seems to shut everything out, to just forget. I have a feeling this is a conversation I'm going to want to block out, but I know I won't be able to. I could never forget anything Julian has said to me.

I exhale with purpose, trying to breathe around that obstruction, before I start anew. "We can't. I know that. I've got to stop - stop lying. Does it have to be goodbye though?" I smile, and it is the expression that undoes me, ironically. The tears that had been glossing over my eyes begin to gather and I know they'll fall at any moment. "I'd prefer something along the lines of: it doesn't matter. Right now, that's what matters. Right?" And it's advice I constantly give Mace. Remember the past, consider the future, but live in the now.

banner credit: it's a love story
lyrics: linkin park my december

[pthalorarity]

Through each regret and each goodbye
was a mistake too great to hide

[/i][/color]

Julian took in a large breathe through his nose and released it slowly. It was hard to meet Elon directly in the eye; there was far too much pain between the two of them. The wetness that began to build up in Elon’s gaze stung Julian’s own eyes in return. He didn’t want to cry though. In fact, he wasn’t sure his tear ducts could produce anything further if he wanted them too. Each night in his room drained him of each drop until he dry sobbed under the covers, attempting to gasp for air, and with it, hope that would never come. He had to try and be strong for Elon now though, and at least try to pretend this would not be their last moment together.

That last thought betrayed him however and a single tear rolled down his cheek. He was far too numb to feel it though and remained oblivious to it’s existence while he attempted to remain stoic. He swallowed back the lump in his own throat, but his voice came out far wobblier than he had hoped. “Of course it’s not good bye,” he lied. Another tear escaped his grasp, rolling slowly down his other cheek as he forced a small smile. “In no time at all, it’ll be just like last week, and you’ll be in your own home and I can call you and tell you about training that day, and you can tell me all about the work in the stables, right?”

A sniffle echoed in the room, and Julian realized it was not Elon’s, but his own. He brought a hand slowly up to his face and was surprised to find his cheeks wet. Quickly, he tried to wipe away his body’s disgraceful betrayal of his emotions. How dare it not be as strong as he needed it to be… of course, that was nothing new. Tears seemed to constantly escape him. At the Reaping so long ago… in the graveyard… alone in his room… Without them being beaten into silence by his father as they had been in his childhood, it was so much harder to staunch them now. Perhaps there was something to say for beating himself…? Then again, now would hardly be the time for that.

“And we do still have right now… but can we pretend it’s not here? This is a place you were never supposed to see.” Julian said with a deep breath, taking a moment to look around the room. He wasn’t just talking about the dining hall; he meant all of this. In a way, Julian found himself ashamed and his other least favorite facial function came into play—he blushed. He didn’t want Elon to see Julian in this environment, to see him in the element he belonged in for the monster that he was. Elon was of a different breed than himself and Mace, and he would have given anything to protect his boy from those like himself. “My offer still stands, you know, about me getting a red wig,” Julian said with a small grin, looking to Elon coyly from the corner of his eyes, swaying his legs under the table like he was just a kid.

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[Baby Wessex d9b [earthling]]

This is my December, this is me alone, and I just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed

As always it is Julian's emotion that undoes me. My chest constricts as the light catches the tear rolling down his cheek. And then I can feel the wetness on my own face, so much less elegant than his, just tears chasing after one another to reach my chin. I wipe them away with the back of my palm, try to get a grip on myself. I'd just ask him not to do this, but I knew better, and it was only going to be harder if I turned into a blubbering mess.

So instead, I laugh, and it tangles somewhere in my throat, comes out harsh when I meant it to be light. "Those poor horses. At least Mace can be good with them, when he wants to be." And it's the first time I've thought of Whicker and the others we board, and how I didn't even think to say good bye. I'll just be gone, and how will anyone explain to them that I'm not coming back? But maybe it's better if they don't know. Then, at least, they can hope. And it's nothing in Julian's voice or manner that betrays, but rather the fact that I know him so well. I'm sure he's already assessed me, because it's in his nature, and realized my days are numbered.

And I want them to count. I look at Julian - really see him - as he cleans up the tears as mine dry up. I don't want to cry and mourn; I want to live.

"I don't mind being here, seeing you. I wish I could be more out in the Capitol though. I'd liked to have seen it all." I smile without thinking and it feels strange against the tightness around my eyes. There are still so many things on my bucket list, although I'd crossed a good few off in the last two years, it just always seemed to get longer. No time for that now; now I needed to buckle down and prioritize. And I thought that maybe - just maybe - Julian would be able to help me take one more thing off. "I don't want you to go in for me, Julian. Once was enough," I say gently, scooting forward into that space between us. I want to reach out, to take his tears for myself, but I don't because I feel something fluttering in my chest.

And it's hope.

"But there is something you could do, to help me. I mean, it's not going to help me survive necessarily. But it's something I'd like to try." I cant my head to one side, try not think about my brother and how much he is going to pulverize me for this. But then, I think, maybe not. Even he might find forgiveness in his heart before I'm gone. "There's just so many things I never got to do, you know? And I realized that life is more about what you've done, what you've seen, where you've been. If you think too much about everything that hasn't happened, then you leave wanting. I don't want to feel like that. Not ever."

I take a deep breath, roll my shoulders back, and look right up into his clear-as-sky blue eyes. "I want to feel like I do right now, with you. And I want to know what it's like to really show someone how much I care about them." And the words aren't enough, or at least, they aren't as long as I keep avoiding it. My freckles blend together as my cheeks grow rosy, and in one burst, I finally say it: "I want to kiss you." And my heart goes still as I stare, and as I hope.

banner credit: it's a love story
lyrics: linkin park my december

[pthalorarity]

Through each regret and each goodbye
was a mistake too great to hide

[/i][/color]

Julian blinked, quite certain he had misheard Elon’s last words. The bright pink of his cheeks however told him otherwise. There was not way though… Elon wanted to kiss Julian? This just didn’t make sense. He bit his lip, blinking again at the freckly face before him. By the look in his eyes and the ruddiness of his blush, there was no denying what Elon Emberstatt wanted. Julian let out a nervous laugh; the romance department always left him quite baffled. He certainly never understood why anyone found him appealing. He had been told of his handsome features, but had always thought of them as nothing more than an asset for sponsors. His life was the games, and especially now after all he had done in them, he could not imagine why anyone would long for his deadly touch.

After the moments of silence seemed to linger for far too long, Julian finally cleared his throat. Even more curious than the idea of being wanted in this way at all, was that Elon himself was the brother of the one whom Julian’s heart truly belonged to. Elon knew that more than anyone, whether Julian was willing to admit it openly or not. He took in a deep breath and looked into Elon’s soft eyes. There was only so much time left he would be able to do such a thing; there was no use fooling himself otherwise. For all that Julian had done, and all the pain he had caused, who was he now to deny his best friend his first kiss? He knew he had unleashed enough damage on innocent lives throughout Panem. Perhaps in a way, granting one of Elon’s final wishes, he could pay off some of the debt.

Julian’s lips curled upward into a small, but genuine smile. In moment’s like this, when his glare was not cold and his lips unpursed, he actually looked like the child he was. Not a killer, but simply a young boy, damaged beyond repair. He leaned into Elon, tilting his head slightly downward as he looked up to meet his eye. Slowly, he closed the distance between them, closing his eyes as his lips met Elon’s. It was a different sensation, unlike with Midas or Mace, but still pleasant. There was still an attachment, a feeling of connection between the two. After a moment, Julian pulled back and smiled. “Now no matter what happens, you’ll always have a little part of me with you.”

He smiled and swung from the table onto the floor, turning back to the young Emberstatt. His bright eyes trailed up and down Elon, soaking in everything about this moment. He knew this would likely be the last time they would be allowed to speak, perhaps even the last time they would ever be together at all. The thought stabbed his chest and he winced, feeling the wetness build up in his eyes. He held the tears at bay though; this was goodbye and Julian was not going to send his friend off in this manner. He took in a deep breath and continued to smile, his voice still soft as he spoke. “I will never forget you, Elon Emberstatt.”

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[Baby Wessex d9b [earthling]]

This is my December, this is me alone, and I just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed

He hesitates, and I know he's weighing his options. Julian doesn't make decisions lightly, except those he's been trained for. And I don't want him to. I want this moment to be memorable, to be full, to be perfect. So I try to calm my twisting stomach, try to convince my cheeks that they are better off freckled than blushing. It doesn't help though. In that pause I am more nervous than I've ever been, filled with butterflies and spring bees and puppy tails.

And then he leans forward, and I automatically mimic the motion, meeting him somewhere in that space between. Kissing Julian Bryze is a gentle thing, soft and resolute. There's no promise of a tomorrow, of anything beyond right now, but it's all I want.

I suck in a breath as he pulls away. The kiss, everything in my life really, ends far too soon. I smile, though, because I have to. Because anything else would ruin it. I want to clasp my palm over my lips, fold them together and see if he's made the clear lip balm I always wear taste different. I'm sure it does. I'm sure it tastes a little like victory. But we both have our parts to play now, and as Julian is doing such a good job, I can't disappoint him. "I always will," I agree, and I hope it sounds somewhat cheerful. Because the truth is that I am happy. Devastated, too, and I didn't know those two emotions could ever go hand-in-hand. They are both an ache in my chest as Julian fluidly comes to his feet.

It's time, I know. But I don't move. Instead I watch him, wanting a few more memories of Julian Bryze, even if this one is of him walking away. That's how it would have worked, though, regardless of my current predicament. I know that. There's no future for us, and there's no future for me at all. I concede, just a little, press my lips together, the smile gone from my eyes as well. "Thank you," I say automatically, that good Emberstatt etiquette kicking in when I don't have the right words. Because what he has said is a gift. It is the only road to immortality. "I could never - will never - forget you either, my dear friend." And my voice betrays me, cracks on the last word. I want to watch him go, but I can't and maintain my composure. So I turn my shoulders, squaring myself to the table and perpendicular to him and try not to listen for the sound of his footsteps, carrying him forever away.

banner credit: it's a love story
lyrics: linkin park my december