Blue Caravan (Tatum Standalone)

[laphae8ash]

Doing
deep thoughts
thinking
talking
hearing
enjoying

Almost 18 months...eighteen long and dreary dragging on months since I had seen those blue eyes. Your eyes Cyrus. Now reflected in Kai's. With the gentleness, the delicate care, the worry about my safety pushing through. One night was all it took with Cyrus to know he was more than just a random person in a random district. He was kind and beautiful and so terribly misunderstood. And Kai wouldn't help things at all. You'd probably just tell me he's not his...and I wouldn't blame you. Mama hadn't blamed me so how could I blame you. Babies are just expected with our life. There is no protection against them, just the hope that maybe the timing is off or that something is wrong with your insides...but I guess Cyrus' and my insides were made for each other at just the right time. So a few weeks after that night when the redness didn't streak my panties, we all knew. I was going to have a child. Your child, Cyrus...our child. Nana Shelly, Nana Bracin, Uncle Saul, everyone, they all pitched in and we made it through, its what families do. I just want you in my family now too.

We've spent the last few months wandering, trying to find District Six again. I thought it would be easy, like it was ingrained in my mind as the only draw of my heart. Yet, we still can't find it. In fact we've only visited two other districts since I saw him. A few weeks after we found out I was expecting we stumbled into District 8, snagging some bigger clothes and a few blankets to hold us over through the winter. Talks of the Reaping pushed us out quickly though, Mama knew they'd force me to go and that it wouldn't matter I was knocked up, what would matter was my blood wasn't in the booklets and we'd all be caught. The next time was a few months ago. Kai had started to want to stand and toddle, so getting a few things for him was the goal. Got a nice leather pair of shoes in District 9...but none of them compared to 6. The sterile and grey buildings pushing out of the ground, the lack of trees, all so different from my life, but yet Cyrus was there. So it was home.

The storm clouds ahead of us cracked with electricity, letting us know that it was going to be a long night. So with Kai tied to my back, his coos and giggles and random babbles of words with no meaning a let out a sigh and scouted for the closest cover. "Might as well set up a shelter there. No point in walking through the rain and junk tonight. Besides, if Kai gets sick we're going to be stuck." My feet plod along to the thicket of trees watching the others pull out the tents and start setting up camp as I free Kai from his binding. Fluttering out a blanket I sit and pull him to my breast, his little lips suckling away as I sigh looking down at his innocent face. You look so much like your father. You act so much like your father. He's going to love you more than the world when we get back to him. Those strong hands are going to pick you up and hold you close and you'll feel just as safe as I did...Ripred you've got his eyes...his smile... Humming a song as I study his face Kai's little mouth pulls up in a smile spilling my milk out of his grinning gums before delving back in to finish his meal.

Having a baby out here in the wild wasn't easy, the birth was loud, bloody, messy...there were no midwives or doctors to help guide me through this. Only Mama and my Nana's to tell me what to do. There was no learning curve it was you're responsible for someone else now, his life is in your hands. I was sixteen that summer and I am only 17 now. The cries and early months made being a mother more difficult than I wanted to relive. It'll be worth it though when you meet him. When you see just how amazing he is. How bright and clever and full of life he is. Cyrus, you'll be a great dad. He'll be safer with you...maybe even maybe we could stay as a family. I let my eyes close as I lean back against a tree; Kai still working away at filling his tummy; and I let myself drift back to our time together. The little crawlspace that we curled up in. Your giggles under the blanket as you explored and discovered my body, the new feelings rushing through you but you weren't ashamed or afraid to enjoy it. The little bracelet I tied to your wrist. Did you keep it Cyrus? Did you take off and toss it aside or did you really want to remember me? The old teeshirt of yours I wore til it was threadbare and now its a swaddled for your son. It smelled like you for days after I left...but now its just a distant memory... like me? Do you still think of me? Alone in the darkness? I never stopped Cyrus, every day you were on my mind. Through each milestone of my pregnancy, through each day of Kai's life, we've always talked about you. We've told him of your kindness and your love. Deep down I did love you, I'll always love you.

I can feel Kai slow his sucking, his breath hot against my chest, as he drifts off. For a moment I just pause, looking at the little miracle in my arms. I love you more than life. Leaning over I let my lips brush his forehead, the dusty brown strands of hair clinging to his forehead with a light sheen of sweat. Placing him into a small basket filled with blankets that we had been using for a make shift bassinet, I headed over to get camp together. It wasn't supposed to be like this. There was never supposed to be this emptiness inside me without you. You were just supposed to hold me that night, to let me show you how to live, and we were supposed to break off into the night. There wasn't supposed to be anything more that that. But you stole my heart that night Cyrus. You snagged it out of nothing and now you hold it waiting for me to come back. The stars were crossed when I left. He was our little love chid. Now he needs you. So do it. Don't turn us away Cyrus. Don't leave me again. I promise I'm coming back. WE are coming back.

"Mama, he isn't going to hate me right? Or Kai? We're going to be there soon, and he can't turn me away. I need him." My mother gave a sigh as she look over to Kai, "If he's near the man you claim he is, he's going to take one look at our Angel and melt. Don't you worry Tate. Cyrus is going to love you both." She wrapped her arms around me as thunder clapped in the background. "There isn't nothing going to get in the way of your family. I promise."

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