letters to h o m e [Sunny]

[semper]

Tiberius—

I recently found out that you hate people who consider or attempt suicide. I’m not entirely sure why that is, or how you came to feel that way, but I just want to explain myself.

Have you ever felt so desperate for a way out that it literally drives you mad? Have you ever done something that you know you could never do anything to reverse or fix it? The guilt just eats you alive and tears you down until you’re left just a raw, bleeding, suffering mess. You said it yourself: what I did put to shame even the acts of people you know. It’s not something to be proud of by any means. I’m so ashamed of my mistakes, Tiberius; you have no idea how many times I’ve not been able to look at either of my brothers, and even walking down the street I swear people can read all my sins like I’m an open book. And the thing is, with Klaus being famous and all, the media is bound to find out sooner or later about my mistakes. They pry into our personal lives – pry and pick and twist and mold – and, even though Jamar says it won’t happen, I know they’ll find out. And then what? All of Panem will find out and I’ll just…. I don’t even know.

You think that suicide is the cowardly way out, right? I agree. It is cowardly, but when you’re faced with things you can’t reverse and have to live with for the rest of your pathetic life (in the shadows of your siblings as they progress with their life and you’re stuck in the past [because really, who can just get over that they had sex with their brothers?]) you feel like you’re suffocating. Like all the weight of your errors are dragging you underwater and you can’t breathe – and when you try you’re only sucking in water, making you die faster.

I wanted out. I didn’t want to feel like I was constantly drowning, so that’s why I turned to drugs. That’s why I kept going to you and buying them. That’s why I took half the pack in front of you. I wanted to die, I’m not going to lie; I hadn’t anticipated it being in front of you. I really hadn’t. It is a cowardly act, but to some people – like me – it literally feels like the only option we have. You hate those people. People like me. Ones that can’t walk with their head held high, or can’t get over what they’ve done because it ruins every day of their life. And then – and then you tell me you love me, as I lay in a hospital bed with a bullet wound that just barely missed its target.

But how can you love me when all I’ve ever wanted was to commit a cowardly act and die?

I want to believe that what you told me that night was true, that you really do love me. But how? You’ve seen me nearly die twice by my own hand and yet, despite you hating suicidal people, you still stayed by me. Why? Why is that, Tiberius? Why do you choose to help me when I’ve almost taken my own life twice? You hate people like me and yet you claim to love me. I want to believe you but I don’t know how. I know you don’t keep me around just for my brother’s wealth because you’re helping me quit drugs and alcohol. Why, then? Why are you keeping me around when you hate what I do?

I’m scared, Tiberius. I’m scared that I’ll lose you – you, the only person that’s ever given me a second chance. You, who has nursed me back to both physical and mental health so many times. You, who put up with my withdrawal symptoms and periods of anger. You, who makes it easier for me to sleep at night.

I’ve started second guessing everything I do, thinking about if it’ll benefit or hurt me. I’ve taken to heart everything you told me and I hope that one day you can be proud of what little I’ve been able to do for you. I hope someday I’ll be able to love you the way you love me despite my past. I want to show you I can but first I have to figure out how.

Someday I’ll figure it out – someday I hope to make you proud, to love you the way you love me. Until then, I promise I’ll do my best.

Hopper

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[cass]

Hopper,

It saddens me to say this, but it is true. I do find those who end their own lives cowards, for I believe that there is justification, or bravery hidden within the folds of taking your own life. I know it has been something you have contemplated and suicide has even been an option that you have almost gone through with. Yes, I believe suicide is for those that want to just run away from it all, people who don’t think and are selfish. To me taking your own life is something only a person that knows nothing would do. They think only of themselves and they never think of how it will affect the people around them.

But I am not telling you all of this because I believe that you are a coward. That thought has never once crossed my mind. Not even on the day that I meet you, just after you had attempted to kill yourself. Hop, you are the bravest person I know, braver then your brother, braver then anyone. He never had to face anything you did; you had to watch him go through it all and sometimes being the watcher is harder than doing it yourself. He never has fallen in love with the wrong person he has never gone through some of the pain and agony you have. All he had to do was play a game, you had to live in reality.

You’re braver and better then anyone I know, because unlike those people who go through with the killing part you didn’t. The two times you told me about it you never did it, you never actually killed yourself. And although it isn’t the best thing for you to keep contemplating your own death, I know, I truly believe that I can help make that all better, because I will be here for you Hop.

I’m going to stand beside you forever and never let another thing bad like that happen to you. The day I let you stay with me wasn’t just a spontaneous decision, it was a promise and one I intend to keep. It takes me courage then most people have to admit to the things you have done and I respect you for that. It takes even more courage and strength to keep your head high and to keep on going, no one I know has ever done that –including myself. I keep my own secrets buried away where no one will ever see them again. Every day that I see you living and breathing brings a smile to my face. Every good thing you have done in your life outweighs the bad more then you will ever know.

Please, don’t think badly of me for thinking that suicide is cowardly, because it is. Yet, what I believe to be more true than that is that those people who can overcome the idea of suicide are stronger than anyone, they are braver and more courageous then any games victor, then any rebel or leader, because –people like you, they know what it is like to want to die, but they don’t. They never give up on life.

Sometimes you just have to take that leap of faith, and I am asking you right now to trust everything that I have said right here, because it all is true. There is no other way to say what i have said and I am not going to pretend that I am sorry for saying that Suicide is cowardly because it is. But I can say that none of it was for you, you proved me wrong, you came out better then that. The word coward has no meaning when I say your name. I said I love you because it is true and you know that I will never ever say nothing that is a lie, I don't lie and you know I don't. I have no trace of doubt in my heart, I have no feeling what so ever of regret. That is because it was true.

I’ve known you for a whole year now and I can say that in that time I have fallen in love with you. In that year my life has completely turned around and there is now purpose to everything I do. You have nothing to prove to me, and nothing you can do will ever make me stop loving you. Because I do, I love you.

- Tiberius

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[semper]

Tiberius—

You’re right, you don’t tell lies, and that’s why I believe you – but I don’t believe in myself. I don’t think I’m brave. I don’t recall anytime that I’ve ever done anything when I was too scared to (that’s what bravery is, right? Doing something even if you’re scared to?). But maybe I was meant to not die either of those times I tried to kill myself. I often have thought that the reason I’m still here is because I still have a purpose – or at least that’s what I like to think since I don’t want to feel like I’m just a walking sack of bones that takes up space and air. Maybe there’s still a purpose for me, maybe I’ll find that reason, but what I know for sure is that I’m glad you’re my best friend.

I never really had friends at the steel factory; sure, I had the people I talked to to make the day go by a little faster, but as soon as the shift bell rang they were off in quite a hurry without so much as even a farewell. I thought nothing of it since I was working too many hours and never really spoke to anyone anyway, but soon after Klaus won the games and I didn’t have to work anymore, I quickly found out how alone I was. As you can imagine, some of the acts I did in desperate attempts to feel less isolated hollowed me out. I tried to fill that void with anything I could get my hands on and it so happened to be drugs.

Maybe it was fate, maybe it was predestination, I’ll never know. But buying those drugs led me to you and you filled that void better than any pill or smoked leaf could. I felt…. whole, and I still do. It used to be that I’d struggle to find a reason to even get out of bed every morning but now I have one, Tiberius. You’re my reason. It may sound corny but it’s true and there’s really no other way to put it. You’ve seen it yourself: I’ve started smiling more, laughing a little louder, enjoying life a good deal more than I used to, and all because you shoved that leaf down my throat and refused to let me die that day. I don’t know, I think I’m starting to sound rather sappy.

It’s been a whole year and every now and then I still find myself rubbing the bullet scar and thinking: what if it hit my heart? What if I had died? I wouldn’t be here to write this – I wouldn’t be here to find out that you love me and I wouldn’t be here to tell you that I love you back. I came so close to not being able to be with you that when I realize what could have been it damn near brings me to tears. I wouldn’t have you or this chance to just completely start over and I have only you to thank for being my saving grace.

I don’t think badly of you at all for anything you’ve ever said to me. Suicide is cowardly and I’m a coward the majority of the time, but the reason I’m stronger is because you never gave up on me. You didn’t just leave me to perish in the alley and you didn’t let my anger get the best of me when I was in the hospital. How can I think anything bad about you when everything you’ve ever done for me is nothing but good? If anything I’d think you’re too good for me. I mean, I’ve put you through so much unintentionally and I feel so bad, so rotten for doing that to you but you’re still here. You haven’t abandoned me like I felt the rest of the world had done some time ago and all I know to say is thank you. I’m not good at words, you know that, so thank you, Tiberius. Thank you for giving me a chance, and then even a second chance. I promise that I won’t put you through the wringer again and I severely regret having done that the few times I did. If I could take it back then I would in a heartbeat, please believe me on that. I never meant to hurt you and I’m so sorry. It physically hurts me to know that I hurt you by going off and doing stupid things that could very well have jeopardized my relationship with you. Then where would I be if I ever lost you? I’d still be the poor wretch who dragged his sickly self to a dingy alley in search of more potent drugs every day.

I do trust you, Tiberius. There’s no one in the world right now that I’d believe more than you. Hell, I’d sooner trust your word than my own brothers’. I’ve heard it said that friends may come and go but in the end you’ll only be left with your family; it terrifies me to feel like my own blood kin would turn their backs to me should something happen, but after what you’ve just said I know you won’t. You won’t abandon me and I won’t ever leave you. When I’m with you, I forget about all those grave mistakes I’ve made and I breathe easier knowing that you’ve forgiven me for them. Frankly I think that you’re the only person who has forgiven me (I still haven’t been able to forgive myself). Jamar and Seph probably won’t ever let my actions go and Klaus probably won’t either, so I need to get away from them. I need to distance myself from them anyway because I want to focus only on you and how you make me feel grounded, safe, and like I actually mean something to someone. I like the way you fill that hollow shell of what I used to be; you put warmth inside of me that keeps me going when you’re not here. I get the feeling that the wait will always be worth it with you because I trust you and I know you won’t leave me.

You’re my family now – my rock, my haven, my home – and I love you.

Hopper

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[cass]

Hopper,

Once there was a little boy. He was perhaps four when his mother left him. He woke up one morning; the alley where they slept in was empty. The warmth of his mother was gone and he found himself all alone. He searched for her for that whole entire day, but he could not find her. She had left him. She had ditched him and left him to die in that alley because she could no longer provide and care for him. But he did not die. Instead he suffered two years of wondering the streets, fighting off sickness and trying to find her. He didn’t want to believe that she was gone. The one thing he had couldn’t just disappear.

By the age of six he was a skinny ragged little thing. Barely able to hold himself up. But he had survived, he had lived two years on the streets, begging for food and sleeping in boxes and bins. Everyday brought a new terror. It wasn’t just the fact that the days were hard and the food was impossible to find, he found the people the cruellest. They picked, teased and threw tings at him. He was bullied and bashed by other boys on a number of occasions and sometimes left so hurt that he was unconscious, lying in the middle of the road. No one cared.

One day he got tired of it. And he walked all the way to the bridge near the boundaries of the district. He stood on the edge for half an hour, fighting with himself. His inner turmoil tearing at him and begging him to just jump, to leap and end his miserable and pitiful existence. He came close to jumping, a few times.

But he didn’t. He stepped down and back, away from the edge, away from the jump that would make it all so simple. If he jumped it would all be over, he wouldn’t have to face anyone, and he wouldn’t have to care. Yet he didn’t. He turned around and walked away.

After that day his life changed. He met a boy, now this boy was vibrant, joyful and happy. He was everything that the other boy was not. And he didn’t hurt him, they become best friends and as the years went on they got into a business together and that boy become all the family he needed. They were inseparable, and the boy that had once wanted to kill himself became happy. Happier than he had ever been and he had a life, a life he loved so very much.

I want to tell you this story because it is about a boy that did exactly what you did. And it takes so much courage to do what you did. Hop, I hope that one day you see your actions the way I do and until that day comes I’ll keep trying to make you see it. A lot of people die, and those people are always forgotten, a lot of people fight, and it is those people that fight to keep their lives that are remembered. You did just that. You fought whatever drove you to shoot yourself. You fought whatever drove you to take those drugs the day we meet. If you hadn’t you wouldn’t be here today.

I wonder if you know that that story is true. I wonder if you can see that each word in that tale holds an essence of reality. But then even if you can see it, it hardly matters anymore. It happened a long time ago. A lot of things have changed since then. Sometimes… Sometimes I visit that bridge and I stand there, thinking. But I have never felt the urge to jump, again.

- Tiberius

P.S. Sometimes you need to forgive yourself before anyone else can forgive you for your mistakes.

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[semper]

Tiberius—

I… I had no idea. I had no idea. All this time I thought you were just telling me what to do because you’re a strong-willed person and you naturally can hold yourself up above all the misfortunes of life, but now I understand why you got onto me so hard about keeping my head up. It’s difficult, no doubt, but definitely attainable – you’ve proved that. I can’t imagine what you went through that drove you to go to the bridge, I can’t imagine the thoughts you had when you looked down at the ground below, I can’t imagine any of it. I know by heart the feeling of being so downtrodden that it physically hurts, but you are so strong – even when I accidentally asked about the tattoo on your neck, you didn’t let the past catch up to you. You’ve never shown a crack or any weak spot in your personality.

I always believed you knew what you were saying to me but I didn’t think you knew what wanting to kill yourself felt like. I was wrong – so, so wrong and I’m so sorry. I wish I could just come and hug you, as stupid as it sounds; I just want to hold you and never let go, never let you slip back to that dark place in the past. I figure that’s what you thought once you found out what I was planning to do and I’m sorry if I accidentally dredged up anything you didn’t want to remember.

I’m rambling. I’m sorry. To be honest I’m just so thrown off right now – not that I think you aren’t allowed to think negatively or have near suicidal actions, but since I now realize that my rock is not without its fair share of cracks and dents. Over time I want to fill those cracks and fix those dents and make you whole again as best as I can.

I don’t know. I had this crazy idea that I can fix you like you’re fixing me.

Does that sound stupid? Probably more like a poor sod’s attempt at making a promise. I hope not.

But how do you forgive yourself for the things you’ve done? I feel like everyone will tell me the same thing: I shouldn’t have done it in the first place. Which is true, but now I feel like a wedge has come between me and the people I grew up with. If I am able to forgive myself for it but they hold my faults against me still, what good does it do? Don’t get me wrong, I am still going to do my best to put out the hallow feelings for my brothers and do what you told me to do, but what if they never forgive me? They’re my family, I can’t just abandon them, no matter what stupid things I’ve done to them. I apologized so many times for it in my note (you know, the crumbled up one that gave Seph a reason to now be spitting fire at me) and I know incest isn’t something you can just simply say “sorry” for but what else can I do? I’ve tried being myself again, I’ve—no, I think I’m just running away from it again. I need to not do that and just face them again but I need to make myself believe that even though they haven’t forgiven me doesn’t mean they don’t care for me – right? I… I hope so. Otherwise I don’t know what I would do.

I wish I could see you in person right now. It’s a blessing we can talk over letters so we can still keep in contact but I’d much rather see you. I miss you.

Hopper

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