take flight, be free .

[Cait]

This has been a long time coming, in all honesty. I’m known to be a rambler, and so if you do care to dwindle in the mechanics of my mind, bear with me – this won’t be short.

Ever since joining the site, however long ago it was, I’d always dreamt of getting into the Games. I sat back and watched the 60th, 61st and 62nd roll by, and I kind of made a pact that if I didn’t get in a Games soon, I would feel so annoyed that‘d just leave with no real reason for doing so.

I guess there’s still not a real reason to leave, but.

I feel fairly certain that there was a stage somewhere down the track and amongst my time on the site where my confidence seemed to evaporate, until I had no idea who I really was anymore. I never used to be this shy shell of a soul, but for some reason I am now, and you know, I really hate it. I get so paranoid and have the worst time making friends – I get too scared to even talk in c-box, which is pretty much a no judging zone. I just stopped feeling important to everyone, if I ever felt important in the first place.

Ever since joining, I’ve always felt a few steps behind everyone else, even when I felt like my writing was improving somewhat. There was always someone who was going to be better than me, and I guess in the early stages it didn’t affect me as much. But I’ve really changed quite a lot over the time spent here, although I’m still not sure what exactly it was that brought on these changes. I could never help but compare myself to other people; through primary school if someone got better marks than me, I instantly hated them. I guess I know that I’m no writer compared to everyone else, and yet I still stick around.

Why is that?

I think it’s because I really did meet some rather amazing people. But they’re slipping away, if they haven’t done so already, and all that’s left now is a big hole full of nothing, and it’s empty. The absence of light and warmth and friendship just leaves me cold and all I want to do is sob. To me, it just seems pointless to continue being a part of this unique community when I can’t find my spot any place that I look. Maybe I’m not really a real member of the community at all.

It’s not fun, feeling like an outsider. Feeling so insignificant to everyone around you that you feel like you just fade into the background. And you know that you’re slowly sinking away, and you know that you have to do something to make your voice heard. Only you’re too terrified of what people will think, of judgements made against you. For me, having people like me was so crucial, and it still is. I guess I got too worried about doing something people wouldn’t like, or doing something that they’d judge me by, that I lost track of myself. I got sick of feeling so worthless and pathetic, and amidst it all, I’m not too sure when my bipolar developed, and yet I feel like it was a large contributor to the unhappiness trapped inside. There were stages of just feeling paranoid and out-of-control one minute to depressed and sad the next. It wasn’t fun. I’ve never, ever needed to be the ‘popular’ one, and I was capable of looking after myself. It’s just that sometimes, you don’t even have a single friend that you can talk to and that… well, it hurts. It eats you up and makes you squirm and sends you to bed at night crying out for someone to hear you, only they don’t.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. I already feel certain nobody cares, and I’m not sure what makes me think that people are actually going to read this. Those that do bother to read will hardly care, anyway. My life, tbh. And I don’t like being a Negative Nancy, but that’s how my mind sees things and I don’t know how else to view things anymore. Even when people do try to help me (whether it’s sincere or not; I still can’t tell) I still push them away, and I’m not about to apologise to those that know what I’m talking about. I’m just sick of nobody caring, sick of it! A girl can only put up with it for so long.

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And so it is with that, that I am writing my official leaving post.

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Some people, they’re so lovely. Others, maybe not so much. I don’t think I ever got on really hated terms with any site member, and if I did, I’m sorry. I do know, however, that even though some people just treat you awfully (sometimes unintentionally, sometimes not), you learn more from those experiences and the truth shows itself. In a way, you can see those people with fresh eyes, and if you have the sense to part with them, good for you. I only wish I’d known that earlier.

Although this isn’t a congratulatory speech or an acceptance for some big award, I feel that I should acknowledge a few people who, even though they probably won’t even read this, have made me feel relatively normal at one stage or another – even if that feeling of normality only lasted for a single minute.



Cam – We’ve never been close but you have such an interesting personality, if you could say that. And you’ve been there for me a lot lately even if you’re crap at advice and stuff, and even if you do still scare me. You’re a great person, honestly.

Cici – We never did get to have a real thread, did we? I’m glad that we ended up getting to talk the past two months or so, because you’re a wonderful person and being able to talk to you was very nice.

Claudia – Oh wow, you are one of the people I’ve known the longest on the site, and you always make me smile every single time I talk to you. Your writing is beautiful and I’m so glad that I met you.

Sam – We don’t talk much anymore, but I remember how things used to be and the conversations you had with anybody who was willing to listen. You’re such an amazing person, and everybody loves you so much, remember that? I’ll never forget past conversations with you, and I’ll always remember jo.

Zoë – Oh, I can still remember those TCs where you tried getting me to speak, haha! You have the best sense of humour and even when you don’t mean to you can make other people laugh. I’m so glad that I got to meet you and even gladder that our time zones aren’t drastically apart, because you’re the sweetest person ever and I appreciate you so much, and all you’ve done to make me feel important.

Stare – I never really did talk to you that much, but you seem to have boosted my self-confidence a little more than it had been in the past. If it wasn’t for your RP tutoring and spending time to help me write better, I doubt I’d feel even half as proud of myself as I do now.

Meg – We never did talk that much, did we? You always seemed to have so many other better friends, and that was okay with me. I still wish we could have talked more, but I can still remember how you and Em were talking to me on skype for something I was upset over, and I really appreciate your effort and loving personality.

Chelsey – Chelsey, girl! You never, ever fail to put a smile on my face, even if all of our conversations do consist of entire paragraphs of capslocking. You’re unlike anyone I’ve ever met, and all the Heathermitch training was so, so appreciated. Threading with you was lovely, even if I didn’t hold my end of the threads at anywhere near a standard as you did. We’re going to still talk, whether you like it or not. It’s non-negotiable, because I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t in my life to make me smile like an idiot at my laptop screen at ridiculous hours of the day/night.

Cass – You’re the most friendly person I’ve ever met, and you always put up with my unnecessary complaining just to try and make me feel better. If it wasn’t for you being in my life I know that I’d be even more of a sad shell than I am today, and every time I have the opportunity to talk to you is just lovely. You always see the positive side of things, and you always make me feel better. Yu just get me and never question what I’m saying, no matter how bizarre, and I love you so much for it, and I love you in general. We’re continuing to stay in touch and if we don’t I will walk all the way to WA to visit you. Yep.

Nicole – I don’t consider that falling out a fight, and I don’t want you to, either. It’s just a misunderstanding but we’re good now. I’m sorry I’m so stubborn and couldn’t accept your help or the truth, even when you gave it to me. Talking to you is like forgetting everything for a little while, because you just get it. We’re so alike, and if we stop talking after I’ve left I will just spam you on skype until you reply, okay? Even if icky timezones ew.

Em – Kyffin is still a thing don’t you dare ditch on me no matter what. I don’t know what to say, really. Heck, I don’t even know if I should write something for you, tbh. There’s nothing more to say, right? I’ve said all I can. I guess I never really thanked you properly, but. Thanks.



I’m really quite sad that I couldn’t get to know more of you personally, but you all seem so unbelievably genuine and gosh idk what to say and I’m crying again boo.

I think above all, I wish that people had liked me better. Often it was hard for people to get to know me when I hardly made it easy, and yet I felt so out of place amongst it all that I could hardly imagine the thought of putting myself out there and getting people to like me. That loneliness isn’t healthy. Each time I logged off the site (as well as in real life) I’d come away with a feeling of sadness washing over me, for the reality that nobody really liked me seemed to hit so much harder when I was on my own.

I wanted to cry and scream and I got so worked up about not having any friends all the time. And eventually you just can’t take that shit anymore, and the only option I have now is to leave. There’s no other way I can win, when I’m already fighting a losing battle, both on the site and in real life. The demons have just gotten too big, and although I try to get rid of them and free my mind by talking with my counsellor, I’m afraid they’re stuck for good. Do you know how that makes someone feel? Nobody gets it, and so the only thing left for me to do is sit in my room and cry. That’s all I’ve known, for a while now. I got pretty good at it when mum died, and so it’s just natural that it stayed with me over the past 16 and a half months, I suppose.

In a way, the site was an escape from the cruel realities of real life. It has helped me in ways that I’m still not sure, but I can just sense it. I don’t regret joining in the slightest. Before I started spiralling downwards, I may have gone for a short while feeling like I really, truly did belong. It’s nice.

I’ve already cried three times whilst writing this – not necessarily because I’m upset that I’m going away, but more to do with the fact that I’m just a sad mess of nothing that can be so easily discarded. I guess that’s a good indication to finish up this never-ending speech. I’m leaving now. I’m slipping away and nobody will really notice. I really do wish anyone who’s still bothering to read this the very best, and even though it’s been a year full of ups and downs and even though I’m still not sure if joining the site was ever a good idea or not, I’m glad.

There’s not much more to say, except that I leave with no regrets. That’s all I could have ever asked for <3.

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— Cait .

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[Tom]

First off I want to say I honestly want to cry now and probably will afterwards</3. You were a great writer, I enjoyed reading your writing a lot of the times. You were never a waste of space or an outcast here, you were always a reason that made me smile. You were always one of those people I enjoyed talking to. We talked a lot over the summer<33, but then life got to me and we never really talked much, but I miss those fun times with you, Cass, Cici, and Kiah. The part that really upsets me is that you want to leave because you feel like you're an outsider, you are not an outsider. That is a Fact. You were here ever since I joined, actually you and Cass and Kiah were the people who got me to join the site. I would have never been able to be here if it wasn't for you guys being so nice to me. You better visit! I swear I will be upset if you leave feeling like this. It is not a good feeling at all. You are not something that can be discarded like Trash. You are not like that. I will always remember you! I will always remember you as the nice girl who made me want to join this site. You are an Amazing person. Do not feel like a waste of space. Please. I have felt like that at one point, but it gets better I promise. You are a amazing friend and member. And I am truly crying now. I will never forget you.

[Toasty]

Oh wow. This bummed me out. Honestly though, I know how you feel about being an outsider and such, both on the site & in real life. Actually, most of the reason why I left the site for like what, 4-5 months? Was because I felt like nobody talked, or wanted to talk to me. Conversations would always end with me, and things of that sort. I felt like my writing was shit and such, but yea. It was fun talking with you all the time though, back then. I honestly looked forward to getting to talk to you, since you're absolutely stunning and amazing. You might not think it, but it's true.

If you ever want to talk, Cait, i'm on facebook here, and add me on skype if you'd like. I'll talk to you anytime you want, about anything. Regardless of whether or not you're on the site, I'll be there for you.

For the record, I love you. Again, one of my favorite people on the site, one that I'd rush home for to talk to. Anyways, hope we can still talk and stuff... I love you:). D: .... <3


P.S. Dont make me cry anymore

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[Danny]

Cait, I'm really sad to see you go. I've felt that even if we didn't talk much, you were kind of a friend to me. It's a shame we never really got to thread, and it's a shame we'll never get that chance. You're an amazing writer and person, and I hope that we can keep in touch somehow.

[Meghan]

Aw Cait, this really sucks. I never got to know you but that's because I am probably as shy as you are, and I mainly lurked on the site. But please, please, please don't think you weren't an integrated member here, because speaking from the perspective of someone who lurks a lot, you really were a solid part of this community. I'm really sad to see you go because I was hoping to get to know you better, and I think you're writing was absolutely wonderful. If you ever need a friend, please skype me. I really do want to get to know you, site or no site.

I'm sorry you're leaving, love, I hope you find what you need right now. ):

Meghan
(my skype is meggopotomousrx) btw

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[Deleted]

Cait,

I just wish, that in the scheme of things, you felt more included. I don't really have much to say since we didn't really know each other, and I don't really know what I could say to make you feel better.

Being alone sucks, and I know the feeling. I don't think you were alone, but maybe you felt you weren't as included as you liked. I think we all feel that way from time to time, but it's not a good feeling. But sometimes we just don't see that people do like us... sometimes they're just as shy and might never say. I know I'm guilty of that.

I loved Belle, I thought that she was a great character. I was sad when she died, especially because out of the D11s, she had more victor material than Benat.

Sighs.

If you ever decide to come back, I'll be here for a post. Or if you want to skype me some time, just PM me. I hope all is well, and that you feel better.

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[Baby Wessex d9b [earthling]]

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[Lei]

Oh honey, please don't think that you weren't an important and well-loved member of this community, because I've always seen you as just that. I was super excited when you first PM'ed me about threading, as I'd already read your writing and absolutely adored it, and had spotted you in the cBox enough to see that everyone else loved you as well. I just finished Mallory the other day, too - I was really looking forward to our thread. Your writing really is beautiful<33

I'm sorry we didn't get the chance to really talk, because I truly would have liked to get to know you. You seem like such a wonderful person, and even though you may feel like it, you're not alone. I'm kind of a recluse. I hardly ever on the cBox because a) it just downright scares me, and b) I feel as though I don't have enough friends on the site or am even interesting enough of a person for people to even want to talk to me if I happened to pop in to a conversation. The important thing is just to not let it get you down - not feeling included and feeling as though you're alone and insignificant to everyone else is something that all of us as human beings unfortunately struggle with at one point or another. Just know that you're not alone, hun, and that even though you might not believe it, we'll miss you<//3

-Lei (kori96 on Skype, if you ever want to talk)

[cass]

<333

I love you too, and I am so sorry to see you going. You are always amazing to talk to and you always, always will be my friend. I'm going to miss you so much and you are an amazing writer and you always will be. I hope that you can one day perhaps come back and feel more confident in yourself, because you truly are amazing and don't ever let anyone think otherwise. I'll always be here for you, whenever you need to talk with someone, so never hesitate for a second to send me anything or speak to me. I'll miss you, but I know that you believe you have made the right choice, and just as long as it is something that you believe you are doing right then it doesn't matter. I want you to be happy <333

I've loved every time I've talked to you, but make sure that you never ever ever give up writing. It is something that you are so talented at and I would hate to see you let it go. Good luck with everything you do and keep in touch with me, mkay? Okay. Ilyvm <333

[Tom Hiddelston...jk it's kale.]

Tis ok cait, I have felt like a outsider her since day 1. Idk why I stay, but do what you feel you need. I wish I had the courage to leave, but can never find it. You have fun and bring peace to yourself.

[Spesh]

Cait, even though we never really talked much, you are most def awesome, and I'm going to miss you so much. Like, actually. I really am.

So thank you for gracing us with your awesomeness, cause you really, really, really are an amazing person, and anybody who tells you otherwise is a fucking idiot.

But seriously, you're the best, and I'll miss you a lot, because you are a fantastic person who I wish I knew better.

[jess]

Feb 8, 2013 20:47:42 GMT -5 Tom Hiddelston...jk it's kale. said:

Tis ok cait, I have felt like a outsider her since day 1. Idk why I stay, but do what you feel you need. I wish I had the courage to leave, but can never find it. You have fun and bring peace to yourself.

v