Along the Abyss [Chaos]

[Meeka]

It's that time of the year again. The time when everyone appears to simulataneously have birthdays. Now in most cases a birthday is no cause for celebration. Surviving another year is great, but that's too morbid to party for. In my case, my mother usually buys a good loaf of bread and we take turns making up stories by candlelight. Though of course those times have changed ever since we left our old house and my father behind. I don't know how he's doing and I realize that I don't care. "Trig, can you help me with the zipper please?" My brother looks up from some math equations he has been groaning and whining over for the past hour.

He doesn't look very pleased, for he's ever the little boy. My back is showing, poor guy. I roll my eyes. "Stop being a baby and come help me out. I'll show you how to do that function as well," I say with a quick smile. He's up and out of his seat in minutes. He's grounded because he was out late yesterday with some friends. Mother was in hysterics and I just about managed to stop her from hitting him in her rage and panic. She's calmed down enough since then to ground him to our room, where he's to do nothing but the math homework. I'm not supposed to help him but I can't very well watch him struggle forever.

Once the zipper on my simple, short black dress is done up, I walk over to the problems lying on the table. "Here," I mutter and show him how to do the workings. "Thanks," he sighs and I hear the amount of relief lining his voice. I nudge him affectionately, "keep out of trouble tonight, will you?" I hear him saying the same thing to me and I stick out my tongue at him. He does the same, an old ritual of ours and I sweep out of the room, closing the door. "Mum?" Her muffled reply comes from the miniature kitchen. She smiles when she sees me.

"That's not too informal?" she questions, her eyes wide as she takes in the short cocktail dress. I look down on myself but somehow I can't see the rest of the youth of District nine finding anything more formal than this. I shrug, "it should do." Now, I certainly can't imagine Flight appearing in a dress. I'd love that, but I don't know if that is quite her type. Normal people don't have birthday parties, but he's no normal child, he's the mayor's son. He also used to be one of my better friends, that is until he decided that he was too good for me.

In any case, I was surprised to find the invitation in my mailbox not too long ago, for his eighteenth birthday party. James doesn't know Flight and likely won't ever know her for real, but I asked if I can bing a friend with me, and he said yes So, Flight it is. "Well, I'm off now." With that, I shove my feet into a pair of worn boots. Not very fitting with the pretty dress, but hey, I don't own another pair of boots. Nonetheless, I think that I look fine. Not stunning, but alright. I'm lucky that it isn't raining as I make my way down the street and past the tiny houses of my neighbours.

One of my neighbours daughters, Cassidy, a girl I always get along with alright gives me a curious look before disappearing back inside. I don't look her way, I'm in no mood to explain why of all things I am walking through one of the shabbiest parts of District nine wearing a dress and mud-stained boots. I think that it wouldn't be alright for me not to wait for Flight, so I lean back against one of the brick buildings, near the Mayors' home and thus, the destination of the party, and wait. Now I've got nothing to do but to stare at my boots and wonder why I don't own another pair that would fit better with my outfit. I glance up when I hear footfalls and grin. "About time you showed up," I say.

[sadniss everdeen]

Shaking droplets from my hair I emerge from the shower, steaming and thoroughly cooked. Waving away the soupy thickness of the air around me, I step into the cooled hallway and flip drenched bangs away from my face, making sure to duck under the doorway. Glancing through the cleaned window, I nod. I've got time.

It's been a while since I've been to a party where I actually have to dress up. Usually it's a trash teenager party and you go there to get drunk or high, depending on your choice. However, I have something that should do just the trick...

I rummage in the closet that honestly needs alot more clothes, but finally I come out with those dress pants I was looking for. Stolen a few years ago, these things fit me like a glove and give me an ego complex whenever I look in the mirror. Perfect for a party when everybody's going to stare. Hopping into the black material I frown when I can't find my top. Buttoning the flap I wander downstairs, searching through the piles of clothes that've been cleaned but not put away.

Eventually I pull it up (miraculously wrinkle-free) and shrug it on. A vest that leaves my shoulders and half of my stomach bare, I look like one of those bartenders you see in the old noir movies before Panem happened. Gray with tiger stripes of yellow across my ribs, I stretch and wonder what exactly Kaya and I will get up to. The thought of the redhead makes an absolutely idiotic grin alight my face.

I'm not exactly sure where we stand on a relationship status, but I'm willing to take it slow as long as I'm around her. Gathering my things which searching for a brush, I manage to somewhat tame my windswept mane, shaking it out and framing my face. With the finishing touches, I smirk.

"Damn, DeRicasho," I muse aloud. "You look good enough to eat." A quick glance over to the bed that has seen many things makes my smirk grow wider, and without another look back I click off the lights and walk out the door.

---

The night is calm for once as I sway through the districts, noting that a fair amount of teenagers are going in the same direction as I am. My electric blue sneakers slap lightly against the pavement, guiding my path. In the distance I see the Mayor's house, a place I've, ah, let myself into several times. And perhaps taken a few souveneirs. Not like they'll miss it, they're the only rich people in the district.

As I draw closer I already hear the thrumming music and throbbing strobe lights. A bonafide nightclub for the hours. Maybe I will have some fun after all...

My attention is drawn to a figure that's leaning against the wall, clad in nothing but worn boots and a magnificent cocktail dress that amplifies curves and shows off a delicious amount of leg. I grin hard when I spot the familiar and telltale mess of vibrant locks. Wandering over, I snort when I hear her and place both hands beside her head, brushing our lips together.

"Kidding? I'm right on time. You look stunning, by the way." Pulling back, I offer a hand and gesture inside.

(OOC: So, is Curiosity done? And how was school?)

[Meeka]

"Two minutes late," I correct her with a teasing grin, just a split second before she leans in to kiss me. I'm well aware of the stares we are earning and I can't say that they don't thrill me just a bit. We are getting disgusted glares by many of the female population and winks from the guys. The house is large, far bigger than my family's cinderblock three-room apartment and even larger than the one that Flight now lives in.

I wonder where the mayor and his wife have gone for the night and why they are giving James quite so much freedom. They should know that he'll be dragging in not only the elite of district nine but also the bottom of the barrel. We walk up the stone stairs and cross over the porch and to the open front door. There's a haunting beat on the inside, bright color-changing lights and the intoxicating smell of sweat mixed with alcohol.

It's jam packed but then, suddenly, just as we're about to walk indoors, an arm shoots out. I am not at all prepared for it and smack right into the arm, emitting a sharp yelp of surprise and shooting a rather wounded look at the owner of the arm. His arm shouldn't have been grazing that close to my boob in any case. But he isn't looking at that, he's glaring at me. "Invitations?" Oh... right. I scowl and dip my hand into my bra, pulling out a tiny lavender-scented card, the very same one I found in my letterbox a couple of weeks ago. I hand it to him and he glances at it briefly before handing it back, a sour look on his face. He glares at Flight now. "She's with me." He's looking unconvinced. On the invitation it says that couples can come as one.

So, I lift my hands as if in surrendor and turn to Flight. "I think he needs convincing?" Without further ado, I push several strands of hair from my face, where they have been jeopardizing my vision and lean in to kiss her. At once the doorman makes a kind of embarrassed, coughing noise. He clearly wasn't expecting this. I flush, not from embarrassment but from excitement. This is fun and I'm loving the stares from the several onlookers. Suddenly there's nothing I want more than to dance to the heavy beat, possibly after a few glasses of strange, fizzy, colorful stuff.

[OOC: I'm guessing so, it's a nice break. Oh and school is horrible, of course.]

[sadniss everdeen]

I'm immediately assulted by blinding lights the second we enter the doorway. Neon flashes everywhere, making me blink hard for several seconds and shake my head. The beat is anchored deep in my chest, making my core vibrate along with the music. If I part my teeth slightly they rattle against each other with each defeaning thump; a sign that the DJ knows what he's doing. Letting my feet take me wherever I wish to go, I stumble slightly when I hit Kaya's back. Glancing over curiously, the doorman and her are in a silent glaring match, over what is beyond me.

"I think he needs convincing?" She manages to say with a resonable level of control. Convincing? Of what?

Then she kisses me while everybody watches, and when she pulls away I stand, dazed, for a few seconds before wandering after her. The doorman tried not to look at us on our way through.

While the place was large by default, it looked huge now. On a raised platform the DJ was standing, mixing his beats and looking very professional with that little bouncing sway people of his trade always possess. Across the giant room there was refreshments; the orange stuff looked suspicious but as I took an experimental taste I was surprised to find that no, nobody has yet spiked it. I'm sure that'll change soon enough.

My eye catches a familiar clear bottle and I nearly squeal in glee and snatch up the vodka before anybody else can nab it. This brand is my favourite in the world, and disgustingly expensive. Also extremely potent. A full bottle will have even my tolerances thrown out the window. Tipping it back and relishing the burn that slides down my throat, I turn my attention to the dancefloor.

It's a large sector in the middle of the room. There are countless people gyrating and grinding and swaying to the beat, sticky with sweat and glazed over with alcohol. I shudder in anticipation, noting with interest that the floor lights up in bright colours under their feet. There aren't any adults in sight; it's like we've been left to our own devices. That spells disaster, I'm sure.

Just before I'm about to enter the throng there is a boy, around 17, that approaches me. He has a strange, hazy look in his eyes and a dopey smile. Squinting close, my eyebrows shoot up as his face clicks.

"Shaun? Is that you?" He looks surprised for a minute, before his stupid smile turns into a grin.

"Flight!" He slurs, and it's blatantly obvious that he's raging drunk. "S'great to see you! Haven't... been in your company in a while." But the look in his eyes isn't drunk. Studying him closer, I receive a blast of foul smelling air.

He's absolutely stoned.

"There's drugs here?" I hiss, glancing around to see if any of his little druggie buddies made it. He stares at me in confusion for a second, before nodding dazedly. The smile returns, and he cocks his head slightly.

"Yeah, you want in?" I make a face, shaking my head. "Shaun, you know I don't do that shit anymore. If I do it now, I won't be able to stop." And with that, I turn on my heel and vanish, leaving him floundering in the throng. It doesn't take long to find Kaya, and I motion to the crowd, bouncing on the balls of my feet with childlike enthusiasm.

"Want to dance?"

(OOC: And just after that super sappy post. And how horrible is horrible? On a scale of 1 to Doomsday? xD )

[Meeka]

The astonishment must show clear on my face as I walk into the grand hall of the house. It's certainly grand. The windows are covered in thick black curtains, keeping out curious onlookers and casting a club-like feel to the place. There's fantastic lighting and curiously, there is even lighting on the floor. I am momentarily too dazed by the color-changing floor pattern to notice that Flight has left my side. When I look up and notice that she's gone, I don't fret immediately. I'm sure she's fine. "Hey! Long time!" An arm slings itself across my bare shoulders and a figure staggers into my side with so much force that I find it difficult to hold my balance.

It's James. The thick scent of alcohol comes off him as she grins drunkenly at me. There's something else that is off about him but I can't quite place it. "Duude! It's been too long, Kaya! How're you, did you bring your boyfriend?" I pull away, disgusted by the smell of him and how wasted he already seems to be. Luckily for me, several girls are ready to catch him. I back away until I come into contact with a table laden with drinks. I grab the nearest cup, fill it with punch and grimace as a burning sensation makes it momentarily difficult for me to breathe. What did they put in there?

I drink more of it, feeling more and more happy as the burning sensation clears to my stomach instead of my throat. Then suddenly she's there, asking me to dance. I'm tipsy already so I nod enthusiastically, despite my not really liking to dance as per usual. "Sure!" I cheer and throw my arms around her neck. I have no idea what was in that drink but, man, it's amazing. "So what have you been up to?"

[sadniss everdeen]

I'm vaguely confused as she practically drapes herself on me, all flushed cheeks and radiating heat from her pink skin. Spying a cup that she just put down, I tip the last drop and grimace as a rather cheap gin slides down my throat. Nasty stuff. Judging by her look, she's already taken quite a few.

For a moment I smell something strange on her, but shake it off and instead lean down, relishing her own taste (with innocence still in tact, regardless of what I've done) mixed with the alcohol. Tugging her into the crowd, we're instantly swallowed whole.

Exceedingly glad I decided to wear pants to this one, I move behind her and follow the movements that the crowd is making, gyrating my hips and making it seem like all the people are just one single mass. I place my hands flat on her stomach, nails digging lightly into her sides as a hot tongue licks at the hollow of her ear.

"So," I purr throatily, the familiar atmosphere already pushing me into promiscuis mode even though she's the only one I'm bringing home now. It's like it's ingrained into my memory. Dancing + Booze + Hot Girls = Get Your Charm On. "Come dancing often?"

Out of the corner of my eye I see James and Shaun talking with each other, painfully evident that they're smoking something strong. With a small gesture I see Shaun pull out a little white crystal baggie and gesture to a small room, and together they vanish instead.

Are my limits trying to be broken tonight, or am I just being dramatic?

[Meeka]

There's a bony elbow pressing into my back as we dance. But I don't mind. It's body pressed against body, sweat against sweat - it's a tightly knit throng of intoxicated youth. For most people this spells out danger and especially, stupidity for the adults leaving all the kids unattanded. There's tablets laden high with food. More food than we usually get in a year and I promise to sneak something home with me. But right now I don't have a care in the world, right now I'm pulsating with the crowd, we're like a giant beast, one huge pod - we're one, combined together by music.

I laugh when I hear Tammy's question and instead of answering right away I just bat an eye and shrug. "By occasion," I answer and throw my head back to laugh. I feel so alive. "I'm heading on over to the drinks stand. I'll see you in a bit," I promise and reluctantly leave her, pushing my way through the crowd of teenagers. It takes a while because people push me back as I attempt to find a way to the food table.

In the end I finally manage to get through the crowd, only to find that I've been released at the wrong side of the room. Bugger. I scan the crowd and curse silently when I see James make his way over to me. Wrong side of the room, definitely wrong. I spy the banister of the staircase, it's coated in gold and I certainly hope it's just paint. There are people lying on the staircase, either keeled over from the amount of alcohol in their system or making out, their bodies already sparce of any clothing.

"There you are, Kaya, I've been looking for you!" he cheers. Again, his tanned arm finds its way across my shoulders, pressing me to his side. He grins like a jack-o-lantern and any attempts to shrug him off just cause him to hold me even tighter against his body. His sweat rubs off on my shirt. "Say... do you want drugs?" He says it almost casually, so casually that I am momentarily startled. "No! Of course not!" But then a sudden thought strikes me. I'm curious and I just want to experience what Tammy went through. Plus, if it's only once, it can't be that bad, right? Yes... I'll do it once and then never again, I promise myself.

What Tammy doesn't know won't hurt her, right? Right. "Um... yeah, I'll try. But only once," I say, rather quickly. He throws his head back and guffaws as though what I just said is just that funny. I scrutinize him crossly, but then one strong arm is already dragging me with him and into a spare room. In it the air is so dense that I can hadly see anything. I gag at the smell of smoke and briefly consider fleeing the scene. But then I spot a group of people, lounging on plushy, red couches, happy and slightly manic grins on their faces. They're kissing each other. Guys kissing girls, girls kissing girls and guys kissing guys.

It's so bizarre and yet I can't seem to tear my eyes off of the display. It's a mess of bodies in a jumbled heap. Then I'm dragged over to a table and James pushes me forwards like a prize. It crosses my mind very fleetingly that he was trying to get me to do this all night. For what? To prove something? But I realize that I don't care when I see a boy with long, shaggy hair and a cigarrette between his chapped lips, point some colorful pills out to a girl that looks a bit younger than me. Then he focuses on me. "Hey, you're Flight's girl, aren't you?" I nod, almost subconsciously and don't even question where he knows her from.

He grins and winks at me, before passing me a thin, silver slip that looks like aluminium foil. On it is an almost perfectly straight line of fine white powder. I'm filled with trepidation as I eye the powder warily but then I notice the boy with the cigarrette, James and a girl with dyed hair watch me. So, I do what I've seen other people do countless of times and sniff the powder. Nothing happens at first, except that my nostril appears on fire. I stagger backwards and some hands push me down and onto the sofa where I sit, eyes glazed over as the drug slowly starts to work. I hear and see everything much clearer now. How has everyone not tried this stuff, it's crazy!

The lights from the dancefloor are so much more vivid and they move strangely. I grin as the cigarrette guy puffs a haze of smoke into my face. I feel strangely euphoric, as if I could do anything right now and just not give a shit. I feel great. Then, I see her. She's standing in the door and she hasn't noticed me yet. "Oh shit..." I don't want her to see me like this, that part of me is still well aware that she won't be entirely pleased at what I'm doing. But I feel great, she should feel great, too. The colors are a little bizarre, but the sounds great and gosh, my perception is outstanding.

[OOC: from one to doomsday, I've pretty much surpassed doomsday by now. But, somehow I'll survive the year without going completely insane. I've never taken drugs before so this is my imagintion and things I've read in books taking over. Yes, I stopped that thread at that point. Now anyone who reads that thread will finish there and promptly die of sappiness. Aren't I nice?]

[sadniss everdeen]

(OOC: Terribly nice.)

For a little while longer I stay, just letting myself be carried along in the tide. Alcohol turns my blood to water, pulsing through me so quick my lungs heave with every grinding motion I draw forth. Eventually Kaya whispers in my ear that she's going to get a drink and I absently nod, watching her move away. But again we're swallowed by bodies and it's like the world has faded. Deciding that I will let my body move on automatic, I turn my thoughts to unpleasant matters. Shaun.

Subconsciously my face pulls back into a frown just from thinking of his dopey, dazed features but I smooth back into neutral. What is he doing here? I know him and James used to be pals before they got into a fight over some stolen crack, have they reconciled? Everybody's a friend in a drug addled haze, except for the Peacekeepers and the things that crawl up from the floor to try and drag you down.

"Damn it, Flight!" he slurs as with a delicate slosh, half the meth spills out the spoon. I frown at it, wondering why it would want to hate me so much. It replies that it has no love for druggies like me and will do what it can to deny us our high. Angry, I throw the treacherous silverware at the wall, where the precious liquid dribbles onto the floor. Now, he's furious.

"What the hell did you do that for?!" he screeches, making me receive a blast of foul smelling air. "That shit was expensive!" For a moment I blink, before blurting out the first thing that comes to mind.

"The spoon was a traitor." He glances over at it suspiciously, then nodding and flinging the spoon far away. "You're right. But you wasted the meth! Good thing I have more, eh? Good ol' Shaun ta the rescue."

Now it's in the syringe, and the syringe never lies like the spoons. With shaking fingers I jam it into my veins, but the needle snaps off before the liquid can be injected. Frantic now I begin jabbing deeper, creating a hole that drips blood. Taking off the top I shove the container into the gash, stuffing liquid and powder under my skin, hoping that the drugs will take away the pain.

Luckily, it does.

Scowling now, I shoulder through the crowd to talk to him and tell him to stay the hell away. Last thing I need is some druggies hanging over me and Kaya. Don't want that at all. Scanning automatically, I barely spot crimson curls before they disappear into a doorway, guided by a tanned arm I wanted to never see again. James.

Taking a deep breath and an extra long drain of vodka to resist the temptation, I march into the room. As my eyes adjust to the darkness I make everybody out, recognizing most but not all. James grins lecherously at me, and with a shudder I remember the times I'd have sex with him for free material.

"Come to join the party?" And when he gestures, there is Kaya with a glassy look in her eyes and a far away smile. Her nose is twitching like the amateurs always do whenever they take it the first few times. I bare my teeth in an angry snarl, and within three strides am standing in front of her. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" I hiss, enfuriated. "You know better than this." When I gather her up in my arms there are grumbles of protest, but a rumbling noise that starts in the base of my chest shuts them up, recognizing the start of one of my episodes.

"I," I spit out the words like poison. "Will deal with you," Glare at James and Shaun. "Later."

Without a look back, I spin out the backdoor and into the warm night.

[Meeka]

There are a couple of laughs as Flight is suddenly in front of me. The mix of alcohol and drugs is doing weird things to my system, making it difficult for me to catch on to what she is yelling. I wince since my heightened sense of perception lets her voice sound shriller than normal. "Chill, Tammy," I say with a definite whine to my voice. She picks me up and I protest, rather annoyed that she is causing such a scene. Something shuts my protests off, though I can't quite recollect why. In my state I can't really see what her problem is, after all, I was only enjoying myself. It is a party afterall.

I glance back at James to see what he thinks about it, but he has drawn back a little ever since Flight showed up. I see one of the guys I don't know and James throw each other significant glances. "Yeah, chill, Tammy," one of the guys says with a teasing glint to his tone. James chooses the moment to pipe up. "Don't pretend that you're better than any of us. You are one of us, remember?" His voice is nasty and he's practically spitting in his rage. The rest of the room is either still occupied with the drugs and with each other, or else, watching with general interest.

But then warm air hits my skin and a streetlight dances before my eyes. Instantly I scramble, wanting to feel common ground beneath my feet and still rather agitated of having been dragged out of there. "What the hell?" The second my feet touch the floor, I'm up in her face, red locks flying in all directions. "Why'd you create such a scene?! It was only one time, just one time and then I'll stop." It's a nice night, the sky is specked with a couple of stars and a half-moon shines behind one of the oak trees in the distance. Some party-goers are slumped against the walls, passed out on the curb. There's a guy and girl, giggling as they stumble out of the main room and onto the street. They stagger together and keep falling but their high-pitched squeals of joy puncture the otherwise eerily still air.

[sadniss everdeen]

My eyes flash a dangerous warning as she scrambles away and starts yelling, but I keep my temper in check. It wouldn't do any good to yell back, she'd just get more riled up. So instead I clench my jaw so tight I can almost feel my teeth cracking, ivory grinding against each other.

"Because," I hiss, slowly backing her up against the wall so she can't run away. "It's never one time. You do it again and again and again until you can't live without it." I'm positively shaking now, fingers curled into iron fists and joints clicking under the sheer force. It all goes unnoticed as I slow, taking in her glassy features and almost drunken rage. If it was alcohol, I would tolerate it. I drink alot more than most people. But this? No. Anything but this.

"And then you meet other people who like it, and you don't feel alone anymore but they're using you just like you're using them." The door swings open behind me, but I'm so lost in the recollection that I pay no heed.

"Eventually it becomes a day to day thing, your life goes to shit and your brain slowly unravels bit by bit. I've been down that road.

"I will not let you be taken down the same path. You're better than that."

Taking a few deep breaths, I believe I've gotten a handle on myself now. Licking my lips slightly I just stare at her for a few moments, but another voice makes my calm mood go to hell.

"Will you chill, Flight?" Says a familiar voice, and I unconsciously grimace. Steeling myself, I turn around and meet the face I haven't seen for several years (for good reason). His shaggy brown hair falls in his gaze around his tanned face, but despite features that could have been handsome, the drugs have turned his cheeks sunken and his fingers skinny, with eyes that are glazed to the point of incoherency.

For a moment I glare at him without words, and his eyebrow raises in question. But then, there's nothing that really comes to mind. All I can get out is; "What the hell, James?"

He laughs before noticing I'm not laughing with him. He slows, confused, but grins all the same. In response he waves a baggie in front of my face, pure white powder that signifies it's some of the best you can get out here. I hold my breath to not breathe in the fumes.

(one whiff and I'm a goner)

"Come on," he cooes, placing a hand against my bare stomach and I shudder when I feel his disgusting fingers touching my flesh. "It'll be just like old times. Strip, and I'll only make you go one round for a shot of this." Repulsed, I shove him away angrily.

"Screw off." I snap, taking Kaya with an iron grip. "We're leaving if this scumbag stays around."

[Meeka]

My eyes narrow as I am gradually backed up and into the stone wall behind me. Nevertheless, her words somehow manage to penetrate the drug and alcohol mix that is my mind. I'm agitated and on edge, not at all happy for having literally been driven against a wall. Her accusations hit me and I know that she's talking of her own experience. But my anger bubbles over when she says that I am better than that.

"And what makes you so sure that I'm any better than you?" I suddenly snarl, still against the wall but leaning forwards so that I can give myself the impression that I am not in fact trapped. "Damn it, Tammy, don't you dare put me on a podest!" I'm furious and I push her, forgetting that physical contact is never the answer. "Don't say that I am any better, because I'm not. I'll take drugs if I want to, who are you to say that I can't? Sure, you've killed people and I stood idly by. How much better can I be?" I whisper, ice in my voice.

Then my voice cracks as the stress from the last couple of days mounts. "I helped you kill people and I don't care how rotten they were, they were still human! What do we do now, how the heck do we get out of this mess - " I freeze when James suddenly appears out of seemingly nowhere. My skin pricks as I realize he might have listened in on what we've been talking about. I don't care at all when he offers drugs to Flight. The drugs are still causing their profound effect, the lights still dance prettily in front of me.

But something snaps when he mentions Tammy and stripping. "You did what?" I demand, looking at once at Flight and then at James. I shudder. "Go away, James, or you'll regret ever having met me. Go!" I'm not joking. But I'm still cooking with rage. First, the drugs and Flight making such a big deal out of nothing. Then, our little episode in the Peacekeepers' headquarters and Flight acting as though everything is normal. Then, James and once again I am granted an insight into what Tammy once went through.

[sadniss everdeen]

"You're better than me because you care!" I roar, temporarily forgetting that James is near. "You care that I killed those people, that I ripped them to shreds. You stood by because there was no other way. As for me, I don't care. I've killed too many people, done too many things to make me care. That's why."

I close my eyes slightly, sighing and rub my temples. Why does everything have to be so hard?

And then she snaps, demanding what I did with him. I knew it would have to come out sooner or later, I was just really hoping not in front of the very same man. "You heard him right." I say tiredly, opening my eyes to meet her angry ones. "From when I was fourteen until seventeen I was his personal whore."

Unconsciously I shiver, remembering rough fingers ghosting down my skin and the sweat, but what I most remembered were the chains. "But he was a sick little bastard, weren't you James?" I sneer, rounding on him. "You liked to tie me up. And you put a cloth around my eyes so I couldn't see what you were doing, but I knew. I always felt you pull out within minutes of starting."

His face has heated up like an oven as the words ring true, and I remember all the times where my world went black and I had to rely on my other senses. "And," I hiss. "You were always so small, weren't you? You wanted to tear me in half but you couldn't, because you couldn't fill me up. So you got other guys to do it."

I turn away, seeing the fine red mist descend over my vision like a net, screaming warning signals that I have to heed lest I have another attack. "I'm going to get some fresh air," I grunt, pointedly looking at the smoke and fumes that twist in the glow of the streetlamps. "Lay one finger on her, James, and I'll break it off and shove it in places that you shoved things up me." And with that, I stalk off into the street.

[Meeka]

I am momenarily stumped when she practically yells at me. "And that makes me a better person?" I cry, equally as angry. "How does standing there and watching, albeit upset, make me any better than you? I killed them just about as much as you did," I hiss. "You do care. I know you do. You're not that far gone, you care. You're human, Tammy." My voice drops and goes a little softer in the end. It's too bad that the next thing gets me incredibly riled up.

"And when would you have told me?" My voice is awfully quiet and I look at her, sadly. "You wouldn't have... because you never tell me anything!" I shout. "Damn it, Tammy. Do you know how it feels like to find these stuff out just because you're forced to tell me? Don't you trust me? Do you think I'll stop seeing you because of what you did or still do?" My voice is practically shaking with suppressed anger and hurt. "You should have told me about James when I told you about the invitation! I wouldn't have gone if you'd have just said what had happened!"

I don't even care that James is listening to all of this, he's probably too stoned to make sense of everything in any case. "Your past is constantly being thrown into my face and you have no idea how stupid I feel! I don't know anything about you and all these strangers do! And it sucks, it really does." I wipe at my eyes, furious with myself and with her and with the entire world in particular. She leaves and I let her go, too distracted by my pent up anger to care. But I do care, so I round on James.

"And you!" I'm over by his side in a few second, practically spitting in his face. "You were my friend! Remember those times? You were my fucking friend! You disgust me," I snarl and slap him hard across the face. "You are the most pathetic, foul creature that I've ever met. I'm leaving now." With that I raise my knee suddenly to meet his crotch. He gives a very satisfying cry of pain and collapses, writhing on the sodden pavement. I smile and step over him, making sure to step on his hand on the way. Another shout of pain, now mingled with curses and threats are thrown my way but I am beyond caring. I try to catch up with Tammy who is by now descending down the street.

[sadniss everdeen]

The thin mist has turned into a roiling haze, clouding my vision and making the heartbeat in my ears feel like something is trying to break out from under my skin.

Maybe there is.

Warning signs scream at me from inside my mind, wailing danger, danger, emotional overload! as I struggle to stay afloat. I knew it was a bad idea to come here, but I wanted her to have fun, to stop worrying for a little while. I didn't want to tell her that I went back and destroyed the tapes, and hunted down
the remaining Peacekeepers that saw us. I didn't want to say that they were now silenced forever six feet underground, with grieving families and friends. But secrets are what started this.

It was a bad idea to get involved. The girl knows too much. I hunch over in a corner and cover my ears, gritting my teeth and trying to swallow the growls that creep up my throat.

She's my girlfriend, she deserves to know.

She will run once she sees what you've done in the past.

But she's different. She cares. She said I'm human.

You may have a heart that beats and lungs that breathe, Flight, but you lost your humanity long ago. You are something... else, now.

A low whine starts deep in my throat; a soft, hurt noise that comes out whenever I'm on the verge of breaking. It's only ever happened twice and each time it was disasterous. She comes towards me and I rock slightly on the balls of my feet, biting my tongue hard to stop. But the noise continues despite my will, seeming to come from a part of me that wishes to be heard.

Still my mouth opens, and the words come forth without consent.

"I don't want you to know because I'm afraid you'll leave once you see the things I've done, the things people have done to me." I try to clamp my jaw shut, but it's like a stream of thought that won't cut off.

"From when I really started to sink in deep to the drug world, I turned into his personal toy. He did what he wanted to me, and in return I got all the drugs I'd ever want." I swallow, feeling hot pressure burn behind my eyes. "And s-some of the things were just so bad, I couldn't..."

In disbelief I touch my face, and wipe furiously at warm tears that leak down my cheeks.

"I want to protect you, so I don't tell you. Because I really, really like you and want you to stay..."

[Meeka]

[[OOC: I'm sorry. You probably saw that I posted, got all excited and then you see this. I'll post tomorrow when I have a little more time and a little less history homework to do!]]