Curiosity Killed the Cat (Meeka)

[sadniss everdeen]

But satisfaction brought him back.

With a snap I closed the book I was reading and groaned, rubbing my eyes. What a pointless saying. Should be stupidity kept him dead. If the retarded thing wanted to see what train tracks felt like when a train was on them, go ahead. Not like we'll be missing a brilliant mind.

Shifting, I adjust my glasses on the brink of my nose. (Well, they technically weren't mine. I only need a spectacle now but sadly, they do help me read.) Looking over the top I glance at the darkening sky, not at all used to seeing it through a window. I've taken over an abandoned house to make it my own, deciding that I need to stop being homeless and actually find a place to live.

The storming winds battered the window and I ached to be outside with them but I have nothing to do as is, no need to track water all over the floor when I return.

Instead, I wander downstairs and flick on the lights, scanning the kitchen for something to keep me occupied. Shaking damp hair behind me, I absently wander through the shelves, thinking to myself I should really stock up. It's strange, having a place that I could actually go to and not having to use somebody else's.

Though I want nothing more than to occupy my hands by using the familiar metallic lockpicks, I know everybody will have been driven in from the pounding rain and be riding out the storm. It's the worst one we've had in a while, and as thunder illuminates the sky for a brief, breathtaking second there is a strange whining noise before the lights cut out and I'm shrouded in darkness.

Cursing in the two languages I know, I flounder around, my fingers brushing against sanded wood and smooth counters, scrabbling for the lantern I know I left around here. Instead I smack a rectangular box, almost sending it skidding onto the floor. Catching the pesky object I navigate by feel, taking a wooden stick and striking it along the side. A tiny flame flickers to life, and finally some of the shadows are chased away.

Looking at the transformed kitchen, I raise an eyebrow as the space has seemed to transform. Ominous shapes are bending towards the flame, willing it to snuff out. Beyond the fragile shell of light it's like things are watching, waiting.

Rolling my eyes at my own imagination I search harder for that stupid lantern, yelping as the fire sneaks down and burns my fingers without me knowing. Shaking the my hand in pain the stick is struck out and I light a new one, taking care to watch how low it's burnt this time. Suddenly, I have a flashback of where I did indeed put the lantern; out back. In the pouring rain. Grumbling harder now I stride over to the back and step out into the gloom.

The stick is extinguished almost immediately and I'm drenched, flipping hair that clings to my face as my hand closes onto the handle. Cradling it I glance up for a second, marveling how the whole district is blanketed in shadow. Quickly stalking inside I light the pesky object and storm upstairs, putting it on my bedside with a sound thud.

Absently my thoughts turn to this week. I wonder how Kaya's doing. The very thought of the fiery redhead makes me lick my lips without conscious decision, and my fingers suddenly itch to feel her skin underneath. It's like she's been invading my thoughts more and more recently, and especially my dreams. She's been receptive the first few times I've moved on her, so I wonder if she'll be down for going further... I shiver. What I would give to have even one night with her.

Now a cozy light is spread along the walls, bathing me with a distant warmth. I peel off my clinging shirt, not even bothering to remove my glasses before hand. But as I cast the fabric to the floor a distinct breeze rolls across my shining skin and I blink, raising an eyebrow but not even bothering to look back.

"There is a such thing as knocking, you know."

[Meeka]

"Well, fine then! I helped you out of this mess, if you do go running back, just don't dare to drag Trig into it with you!" I'm fuming, standing in the newly aquired kitchen, across from my equally frustrated mother. Though of course, being the overly emotional one, she's already tearing up. I let out an exasperated sigh when I see this. "Look, mum, don't you see what he's doing? He's making you feel guilty... it's a vicious circle. Please, just try and start a new life."

It's true, my father had been waiting at the marketplace for my mother to shop, only to corner her and beg her to take him back. At one point he even cried, saying that he'd forgotten himself and it was only the alcohol. But it couldn't always be just the alcohol, and my mother had to see that. Only she wasn't, she was weak and she was caving at his pleas. If she goes back, I'll have lost all of my respect for her but I won't have her taking Trig. "I mean it. If you take him with you, I'll never forgive you."

With that, I stalk out of the kitchen. I push my bare feet into my worn boots. "I'll be back tomorrow morning!" With that, I wrench open the front door and let it fall closed with a bang that reverbrates through the entire house. I wince, thinking of Trig who is probably trying to sleep. It's thundering, there's even some lightning in the distance. I know where I want to go, the only person I can really stand to be with at the moment. I'm glad that she's calling the house we discovered the other night her new home.

I would have asked her to stay with us, but then sharing a room with her and Trig would get just a tad uncomfortable. Plus, I still don't think that mother quite likes Tammy. By the time I've reached the other side of town, which is sadly uncomfortably close to my old house and with it, my father, I'm soaked. I hope that Tammy's done what I told her to, which is to get a lock for the front door and lock it. I'm going to ask her about that once I get there.

So, I climb up the tree, soaking wet and frigid. It's slippery and I'm a little afraid of falling, but then all my woes are forgotten once I reach the window. It's dark inside, apparently the power went off in the thunder storm. I lightly push on the window, preparing to knock, but the pane gives away and the window opens slowly. I'm thin, so I crawl into the room, dripping water everywhere. I smirk slightly when she recognises me, without even turning. "You left the window open, " I remark, chuckling. But then I grow serious. "Did you lock the door?"

[sadniss everdeen]

Rolling my eyes I turn to face her, crossing my arms over my chest in an attempt to ward off the cold from my state of undress.

"Yes, mother." I mutter, light reflecting off the lenses. "The only thing I didn't lock was the windows, but seeing as you already figured that out, maybe I should. Keep pesky redheads out of my bedroom." A teasing grin.

"Though, this redhead can come into my bedroom anytime she'd like." My pants included.

Stretching, I turn away and rummage for some more clothes, only realizing a bit too late that they're all outside in the pouring rain. Rolling my eyes, I wander out into the hallway, leaving Kaya in the gentle glow.

The lightning creates an intricate pattern that reflects across my naked skin, not bothering me in the slightest. She has a problem, too bad. Though, if it's any indication, I don't think she'll mind. Shaking wet hair from my face, I find what I was looking for, launching a towel in her direction; it floats over her and lands on her head.

"No need to be trekking water all over the floor." I tease, and go to poke her but jerk back in surprise. "Damn it woman, you're freezing!"

Deciding to be not so subtle this time I wander over behind her and drape bronzed arms across her neck, absently smirking at the lukewarm heat it creates. Placing my lips to her ear, I let slender fingers wander over her sides.

"So, what exactly brings you here?"

(OOC: Sorry for the shortness. Once my hands stop shaking I'll expand on it.)

[Meeka]

I sigh and grit my teeth, not wanting to let my annoyance with her show. "I wasn't kidding," I say furiously and tug at my shirt, wringing it between my hands to rid it of some of the thunderstorm that has decided to settle in the fabric. "Can't you take anything seriously?" Apparently not and despite my being annoyed, I crack a ghost of a smile at her comment.

"Well, aren't I special," I say with dryly, with a soft laugh. My brow knots in consternation as I look around the room. "Do you have any dry clothes for me? Mine got kind of... wet?" Though of course she's half-naked. Plus, she did see me without clothes only two days ago.

I shudder at the memory of the Peacekeepers' grimy cell. That is one place I will not be going back to. I frown. "Tammy... what are we going to do...?" But she's already disappeared, leaving me to wonder about our fate alone. I can't believe she's being so calm about the whole issue. Sure, we killed all of the Peacekeepers... none of them can identify us. But this is bad. Killing one Peacekeeper is very not good... killing practically all of a District's Peacekeepers is unthinkable. Until now.

I'm about to add something more to my thought, when a fluffy, blue something flies in my direction and hits me in the face. I choose to ignore her comment about the water and try to mop at least some of it off of my face. But it's no use, the water is already in my shirt and it's clinging to my body. It feels like a constraint and I don't like it much.

I ponder taking off my clothes and just keeping on my undergarments, when she's suddenly by my side, her arms across my shoulder creating an unecessary heat that I hadn't thought possible.. I flush, my mind conjuring up not-so-innocent thoughts. "Huh?" I actually did not hear what she said, my thoughts kind of trapped in a oneway street. "What did you say again?"

[sadniss everdeen]

A low laugh rumbles in my chest as from the side I take in her dazed expression and flushed cheeks, obviously feeling the contact as much as I am but not used to the effects. To be mean I slide up slightly, friction making a slightly uncomfortable heat pool low in my abdoment. Recognizing the signs, I pull away with a teasing lilt.

"I said, do you want to get dirty?" Airily, like I just asked about the weather, I also added; "And no, no spare clothes. All of them are wet." Wandering out of the room again, I absently tug off my soaked pants and throw them in a heap, shuddering from the sudden draft of cool air. I'll fix that eventually.

Humming I decide to take her advice, flicking the latches shut on all the windows. While I'm not overly paranoid, being a thief has taught me how disturbingly easy it actually is to get into a home with little to no effort at all. And I honestly don't want a father-daughter reunion in my house, thanks. The first time was enough for me.

Fumbling in the near darkness I tug on a dry pair of undergarmets, stretching luxuriously and managing to hit my head on the doorframe. Jerking back with a wince, I need to remember that these certainly aren't six feet tall. Slowly I go around the house, lighting the lanterns and feeling strangely out of place in my own home.

Wandering on back to the room, a hand brushes against her waist as I lean over to flick the latch shut, closing with an exciting click. Lazily reclining back on my bed, I raise an eyebrow.

"I'm guessing you're staying the night, but where exactly are you going to sleep?" I decide to play dumb, like I don't want it as much as I believe she does too.

"And, you just gonna stand there shivering?"

[Meeka]

She said what? For a moment I am too dumbfounded to say anything and like and idiot, I just stand, watching her disappear from the room. My mind is swimming, a jumbled mess of thoughts, as I try to make sense of her last words. Maybe I just misheard her, yeah, that must be it. I mean, we've kissed and we've slept together... well, not in that sense... but the next step? I'm not sure if I can do that, plus, it looks like she has more experience than I do in any case.

I bite my lower lip nervously and look around the room. It's lit by the one lantern and the window is still open. I can hear the rain pelting against the window pane as the sky relentlessly waters the earth. I breathe out, shivering as I stand in the room, unsure of what to do. She returns and at the brief contact, my body heat seems to skyrocket. She's so confident, I wish I could be as sure of myself as she is at the moment. But for some reason this is becoming increasingly difficult.

My mind isn't helping matters by switching between the thought of her skin against mine and the amount of trouble we're in. I'm beginning to worry a little too much, but you really can't blame me, considering what we've done. "I - uh - I guess I can sleep on the couch," I stutter, dumbly. But then I catch the teasing glint in her eyes. "Oh, you're wretched!" I say.

She's deliberately teasing me and the heat in my cheeks is just making it more difficult for me to focus. At her next question, I suddenly get what she means and I am entirely thankful for a distraction. I tug off my heavy boots and waterlogged socks, grimacing a little at the amount of water I am dragging in. I am only acutely aware of her eyes on me, so I grin and raise an eyebrow suggestively.

"Got a problem?" With that, I slowly pull off my shirt, gasping a little as the cold air in the house hits my wet skin. I shoot a look at the comfortable looking bed she's lying on top of. The thought of snuggling up under the blanket it rather tempting. So I shimmy out of my pants, throwing the soaking fabric on the floor with a dull thump. "Either you make room for me, or I pounce," I threaten with a laugh.

[sadniss everdeen]

My gaze connects with hers before wandering down her body. Her neck, chest, flat stomach. Toned legs, before dragging up again where I give an not so innocent smirk. Sitting up on my knees, I give exaggerated thought.

"Who said anything about making room?" Then my arms fly out, landing solidly on her hips. Pulling on her weight, my back hits the bed and I take her with me. Suddenly the close proximity is making my body burn but luckily for me I don't blush anymore. I can't say the same for the girl above me, because due to my previous comments (I'm guessing, maybe she has a mind as unclean as mine?) her face is still a shade of red. I grin, lightly raking nails across her sides.

"You're cute when you're embarrassed." I mumble, reclining slightly to watch her with lidded eyes. Her skin is soft under my touch and still slightly cold from the storm outside. I could name countless ways to heat her up, but I seriously doubt she'd get away without so much blood rushing to her cheeks that she'd faint.

So instead I decide to do something very uncharateristic of me, and let her take the reins. Unless she wants me to lead, in which case I'll do gladly because by the night end, I want to have made her scream.

One arm goes around the back of her waist, rolling so that we're facing each other, side by side. I trace patterns on her arm with my nails, sliding from her bicep to her shoulder and collarbone, then back. "By now and my not so subtle approach, I'm guessing you have an idea of what I'm after." I give a salacious smirk, tilting her chin to meet my gaze.

"However, it's up to you if you want this or not. If it's yes," I pause, putting the words out with a great vibrating purr that comes not only from my chest, but from other places that twinge in agreement. "I guarantee you won't regret it."

[Meeka]

I gasp as I am not at all prepared to be suddenly lying on top of her, my body pressed against hers in a way that is absolutely not innocent. The thin layer of cloth is practically nonexistent at this point. I gaze down into her eyes and can tell that I must resemble a tomato significantly now, judging from her expression. I don't find it cute at all that I'm embarrassed, in fact, I am finding it quite annoying that my body is experiencing such conflicting emotions all at the same time.

"Is it that bad?" I ask with a soft giggle. I roll over to my side, the spot on my waist she was touching just before, burns as if scalded by an iron. Then I reach out and tentatively run my thumb across her lips. I'm cautious and curious all at the same time as I lean down and touch my lips to hers.

I'm afraid that she will feel my nervous excitement and at the same time my outright fear. My hands wander, hungrily exploring the smooth skin and, oh my, the curves of her body. I pull away, my face lingering just inches from hers a little while longer than usual. At her comment I look away instinctively, but am forced to meet her eyes when she tilts my chin back up. I nod meekly, quite aware of what she wants and quite aware of what I myself want... but she doesn't understand. "I trust you, Tammy," I manage to say, slowly as if measuring the words carefully.

My fingers absentmindedly toy with her raven hair. "I... It's just..." I trail off, embarrassed and scolding myself for being so shy. I'm never this shy, what's wrong with me? "It's just, you'll be my first," I whisper and look into her yellow eyes, willing for her to understand how very afraid I am. She must have had experience and I bet that she thinks I've had the same. But this is new and it's foreign for me... and I want it so bad.

[sadniss everdeen]

Her first?

My gaze is thoughtful for a second, but I hum deeply in satisfaction when her hands wander along my skin, creating trails of fire that I've missed so dearly. This time there isn't the added sensitivity that alcohol produces or the fuzzy nights of my druggie days where everything was just one big screwfest, where you would pass out from exhaustion after going at it from hours on end. And strangely, I don't mind at all.

But I smile slightly, feeling the unexperienced hands stumble and shake with slightly repressed fear and obvious want.

"I don't remember my first," I admit, dipping my lips down to capture the fragile skin of her throat. "I was so jacked up on ectasy or whatever I was on at the time that it just kind of ran together. But, I think I was about thirteen. Maybe less."

My teeth lightly scrape her flesh, capturing her. She tastes of caramel and strawberries and innocence, the latter such a rare taste nowadays that I can't help but yet out a low groan as my tongue curls over her collarbone, shifting so that I roll over her. My knees are on either sides of her waist to give me balance as I bite down lightly, looking up to meet her gaze.

Drawing back, I hover close to her face, down on my elbows with my fingers buried in her vibrant red locks. "I can show you things that you wouldn't even imagine, Kaya." I roll my hips lightly in one fluid motion, ghosting across her stomach. "If you'll give me the chance."

I can feel her nervousness and try to quell it when my lips descend onto hers, feeling her familiar warmth that feels strangely right. An exciting heat begins to pool in my abdomen, an old friend that hasn't visited in a while. Smirking slightly when I prod with my tongue to ask for entrance, I wonder;

Will she still taste like innocence if I take hers away?

[Meeka]

My eyes widen in surprise and horror as what she says begins to dawn on me. That's... dreadful. It dawns on me that I know nothing of the life she must have led since we were forced apart by my parents. "You did drugs?" I whisper. "At thirteen?" It's a horrid thought. She's never been little, at least not physically - not even then, at thirteen.

But the shock lingers and it's hard for me not to think in too much depth about what exactly she must have experienced. To not remember her first time, that's something I was always afraid of. So at all those parties I was invited to over the years, many guys have felt me up, but I always knew where to draw the line.

"I'm sorry, Tammy," I say, and I mean it. I wish I could have been there for her, but we both know that it never could have happened. But I did wait for her... and when she never came... I taught myself how to forget. In the end, I did. My breath hitches in my throat as vibrant images assualt my mind, triggered by her notion. "I trust you," I say.

It's the okay she needs and I hope she gets the underlining message underneath. That I trust her for me means more than those three words. It means that I'm giving myself to her, completely without any strings attached. I'm vulnerable, I'm terrified and thrilled at the same time. I've heard so many horror stories from girls in my class. Girls who said they had screamed, but the guys hadn't stopped until they were satisfied, that they ached for days afterwards. That is had been horrible and traumatic.

I didn't want mine to be like that, which is why I steered away from any guys who wanted to take the next step at a party. I return her kiss with equal enthusiasm, my hands absently fingering the straps of her bra. Her skin is warm and I shiver as my hands design intricate patterns into hers and her fingers do the same. As she pulls away I gasp, a low shudder running through me as an intense but unfamiliar feeling spreads through me from my abdomen upwards. I reach out, my hand caressing her cheek. "I... I..." but whatever I want to say has already left my mind and into oblivion as she delicately leans forwards and kisses me again.

...

[sadniss everdeen]

That's right, I didn't tell her about the drugs. Pulling back from her mouth that threatens to erase all coherent thought, I lick my lips and hesitate slightly. I don't know if I want her to see that side of me. While she has seen the monster and the terrible things it can do, in a sense, it wasn't as bad as the alleyways where I was surrounded by broken needles and white powder, where I would forget my name and my memories and how to say no and how to stay clean.

"It was a way to forget." I murmur against her hot skin, the activity lulled as I began speaking. "And eventually, I did. I couldn't hold myself together in those months at first, that we were apart.

But the booze was never enough. I could drink and drink but I'd always remember. So the first time I was offered a pretty little pill I took it, and from that moment on, I was off." And now I'm ghosting my way down to her chest, where my teeth appear and touch the fabric, clamping down lightly where the two pieces joined. My head jerks up, and it came away with a snap. Tossing it aside, I marvel for a second before smiling slightly and touching my lips to her naked skin, moving upwards so that I'm just underneath her jaw.

"He took me. And when he was done, he left me there. Others found me and took their turns, but I was so far gone I can't remember and don't think I cared, as long as I was high enough to stay afloat. All I know was that I hurt real bad those next few days and the only coherent thought was that I desperately needed a line."

I shift now so that my hips are in between her legs, granting me more balance and better access for the things to come. I spiderweb a hand over her stomach, lightly digging my nails into the glistening flesh. Kneeling, I nip at the corner of her jaw, the other hand firmly on her waist.

"Some days I'd forget who I was, high for hours on end. I even had to turn tricks sometimes to get money for it. Jackal tried to pull me out, but I was in too deep. When I was fifteen I met heroin and it scared the hell out of me because it takes you to this dark, dark place. Then it turns into a continuous loop of screwing and shooting, and you realize later that you aren't even sore anymore; and you aren't sure if that's a good or a bad thing.

But Kaya, I... I don't want you to go through that. Not now, not ever. So I'm going to make sure that you'll never forget this, because bad experiences are the first step. But this? This won't be bad. I promise."

(OOC: Aw, how cute? She's worried for her. And we'll fade off after another post or two.)

[Meeka]

I've been offered drugs before. They were pretty little pills, some white, other's the colors of the rainbow. I was always tempted to take one, but then my fear drove me away from them in the last possible moment. I don't want to think about her, not like that, not in some dirty back-alley - the ones in which all of the drug addicts hang around, slumped against the grimy walls, the sick smell of rotting food and vomit and piss and blood projected into the air around them.

Oftentimes I would walk past those alleys and I would feel silly for quickening my pace. I would feel horrible, simply dreadful for assuming that I am better than all of them. But they hardly registered me, and why should they? Those kind of people only have eyes for the drugs and nothing more.

I'm suddenly feeling cold and there is a definite chill as I look up at her now. The topic isn't one I want to go back to thinking about. Those months apart, I can hardly remember them now. They were a blurred mess of angry tears and loneliness, until I forgot. So we both found our own ways out of this mess that was our lives, forgetting seems to be the best way, apparently. I shudder as her teeth graze my skin, but she's gentle. I'm on fire. I can't believe that she's able to control her self quite like this.

She's calm as she talks of her past and I'm here, trying in vain to keep a straight thought. "I'm sorry," I manage to choke out, that being the only thing I can think of to say. And what else is there to say? It's a difficult topic. I briefly allow my mind to wonder who in the world Jackal is. But then I realize that I don't want to think or talk about that. I don't care who Jackal is, not at this moment. She's so sincere when she promises what I was too afraid to ask for out loud. A great shudder runs through me and a brief look of relief crosses my face. I'm happy that she knows what she is doing, because I certainly do not. I smile.

.... .... One marathon later .... ....

It has stopped raining. The sun that shines through the window pane forces me to wake up. I yawn and stretch the way I always do in the morning and I twist around, slightly startled to find a figure next to me, curled on her side. Her eyes are still closed and I smile, resisting the urge to touch her face. She looks so peaceful when she's asleep and it's difficult not to forget all of the horrible experiences she went through. I abandon the security of my covers and stand up, my bare feet immediately alerting me that the linoleum is in fact freezing. I pick up my shirt that is lying in a heap on the floor.

It smells of rain, but it's somewhat dry. I pull it on, not because I am very cold but because I feel more comfortable actually wearing something. I close the bathroom door behind me and grimace at my reflection. I don't look horrible, there's definitely a healthy blush on my face, but my hair's a mess. The red curls are wild, standing up at awkward places and forming a lion's mane around my face. I smile and stretch again, twisting this way and that to rid the sleep of my body. Finally I just splash some water back in my face, can't be bothered to shower. Too early. I tiptoe back to the bed, discovering my underwear at the foot of the bed and yanking them back on. She's awake when I sit and smile sheepishly. "Morning."

[sadniss everdeen]

A myraid of emotions dance through her eyes and I can see that she's struggling. With what to say or feel I'm not sure, but I don't want to see that uncertainty in her eyes. A sudden thought strikes me that while I'm fighting to pull away from Luna's gravity, Kaya's sucking me in. Maybe... maybe I have a chance. Maybe she can be mine? The thought is strange. I've never had a significant other, because I'm afraid of attaching myself. That I'll hurt them or they'll leave me alone. While Luna will never be mine, perhaps she doesn't have to be?

Gently beginning to rotate my hips from their position between her legs, I widen mine so that I sink lower, my lips traveling across pale skin. Her body is burning to the touch, fevered but shaking. Afraid. I smile.

"Don't be. It's not your fault." Coming back up to her mouth I taste innocence one last time and pray it will still be here when we are done. The rain hammers against the windowsill and the clouds block out the moon, but I know it's watching. Happy, hopefully. A flash of lightning illuminates her face and I blink, drawing back for a second. She's... beautiful. But...

Can't anybody look godly in celestial light?

Sinking my fingers into the bones of her hips she is suddenly pressed flush against me and my tongue is making patterns on her collarbone, intricate songlyrics that become more and more incoherent as I slowly make my way down down down down...

---

I am awoken from hazy dreams by the quiet pad of feet on frozen flooring. Groggily opening one eye just to realize I still can't see anything, I groan and shift my face so that both eyes are no longer buried underneath sheets that smell distinctly of mountain strawberries.

The rain still goes, but the whole outside is covered in a fine sheen of mist. From the coldness I believe the power is still out, and I'm tempted to curl back into myself and just forget the world. But there is a sharp lack of human warmth beside me and I lift my head slightly when she wanders back into the room. Her cheeks are still flushed and she walks strange, but she smiles when she sees me watching her. I give a half-smirk back, and lever myself so that I'm lying on my elbows.

"Get much sleep?"

[Meeka]

Well, I couldn't be better. Even though my head thinks the opposite, groggy from not enough sleep. I pull my feet up onto the bed and then temporarily dive under the duvet, inhaling the smell of the cotton and hiding my giddy smile. "Not really," I reply, my voice muffled. My feet welcome the warmth from the blanket and I slowly crawl up and over to her, stifling an exhausted yawn with my hand. Nevertheless, I feel sort of elated at the same time as the desperate need for sleep plagues me.

"I couldn't sleep much, what, with the thunderstorm going on overhead?" Which wasn't actually the reason that she couldn't sleep properly, but hey, it was a good enough excuse. Sidling up to Tammy I raised an eyebrow suggestively before leaning in to kiss her. Okay, maybe a bad idea. Too early in the morning for that. But I giggled happily anyway. "Uh... so where do we go from here?" I ask tentatively.

I don't know what she wants. Maybe it was just a fling. Plus I want to know who this Luna person really is and I feel an unexpected jolt of jealousy as I think of her, in no doubt reflecting in my eyes. I turn on my back and stare at the patterned ceiling, stalling for time and squinting my eyes in turn, as though this changes anything about the object of interest.

"Because I understand it if you don't want to and you know... Midnight," I say with a hint of bitterness. "I understand if we've been apart for too long. I don't mind," I lie. But I do. Not that I will say it, somehow, lying feels much safer.

[sadniss everdeen]

I stare at her hard and assess my options. Honestly, I was hoping that no, she wouldn't have asked the question because I'm not entirely sure what I want myself, let alone saying it to other people. Rubbing my face wearily, I lever into a siting position, not bothering to hide my frame as the blankets slip downwards.

Then she mentions Luna, and I hear a distinct note of jealousy in her voice. Sighing, I reason that I owe her an explanation.

"Kaya... Midnight, I..." Grumbling softly to myself, I prop my chin in my palm and sit cross legged, my elbow resting on my knee. Why does this have to be so hard?

"Luna is important to me." I start, trying to find the correct words. "I won't deny that. She was the first friend I've made in all the years from the start to the end of my drug addiction. She makes me smile, helps me pick up the pieces. And for a while, I thought I loved her.

But the months passed, and I realized that it wouldn't work. She didn't feel for me like that; and I started to think that maybe, I didn't either. Love is something I don't believe in yet, because I don't think I've ever experienced it. And now we're really good friends." I pass a hand through my hair, making the sleepdriven mane even more wild.

"What I'm trying to say is that I've gotten over her."

A weak smile forms on my lips as as the words ring true, and something in my chest crumbles. When I told her I fell for her when I lay dying on that bathroom floor I was right, but what happened after simply pulled us closer in a different way. It's simply feels like something... died, now that I admit it in things past shadows of though that cross my mind.

I thoughtfully stare out the window as I try and formulate an answer for yet another pressing question. I don't know what I want, either. I've never known what I want. Of my body's own accord my other hand buries itself in her vibrant locks, and I'm so distracted that I don't notice the rhythmic movements that my nails dance across her scalp.

My mind and my heart are telling me two different things. My mind is yelling that this is stupid and I'm just going to get hurt, but my heart is telling me to screw all reasonable thought and take the chance. There are first times for everything, are there not?

"I don't know where we'll go from here." I say quietly, watching the rain spiral down to earth. Swallowing, I decide to screw caution. Rolling, I hover over her, bodies inches from each other, so close I can fee the gentle rise and fall of her chest and the warm of her breath tickling my face.

"But I'm willing to, as long as it's with you."

(OOC: *dies of sappiness*)