Late Night Consequences (10stare)

[sadniss everdeen]

pray God you can cope
I stand outside this woman's work
this woman's world

I stagger back to the base, my normally sure footing wobbly and unstable against the grass and fallen leaves. With a flick of my hand I wave off a sentry with his bow pointed towards me, indicating I was one of them. Opening the door and stumbling in with none of my usual poise, I brace myself against the wall; breath sweet and acidic on my tongue from the vodka.

Hauling slowly up the stairs I manage to make it into the girl's dorm, all sleeping bodies under thin quilts, an illusion of safety for the big bad world. Tripping over my feet I grip the sink of the bathroom like a lifeline, not wanting to see the bruising that has been created in rings around my eyes, or the undoubtedly swollen flesh around my thighs. Even shifting my legs hurt. So I strip down and fall into the shower, letting scalding hot water run across my skin, scrubbing furiously to attempt to get their taint off my body. But I can still feel it, even when my caramel tone goes red and raw. Like I can still feel rough, calloused hands on me, unable to fight them away through a drunken haze.

I know you have a little life in you yet
I know you have a lot of strength left

My abdomen is riddled with purple and black, like a paintjob splashed on haphazardly. It melds with my own wounds to leave my usually flawless body battered and horrible. I flinch. Hair dripping, I open the steaming bathroom and silently hobble out the door. Luna is the only one awake, watching. Our eyes connect, I don't say anything. But it's useless. She knows. She always knows.

Weeks Later

The bathroom door slams open in the quiet base as I throw myself over the lip of the toilet and retch violently, coughing and shaking. My stomach churns with a vengeance, upsetting my already chaotic emotions. When I've stopped I simply rest my head on the porcelain base; shivering. Words from just fifteen minutes ago richochet through my mind; hurtful phrases, yelling. And through it all, the sentence that both started and sealed the arguement.

Luna, I'm pregnant.

A dry sob starts in my throat but no tears come out, it seems I've run dry. I spit bile from my mouth and try to stand, but it like the will to live has been pulled from me the moment she ran out the door, leaving me here. Smacking the flush handle wearily with my palm, I watch the water spiral out of sight.

I should be crying
but I just can't let it show
I should be hoping
but I can't stop thinking

With an effort that's much too strained for my age I pull myself over the edge of the sink and reach blindly for mouthwash, savoring the burning as some slips down my throat. Just like alcohol. No, bad, that's what got you here in the first place. Raising my head to the mirror, I make a strangled noise at the stranger staring back at me.

While my bruises have healed the reflection ripples across the glass like an ugly scar, showcasing the dark circles underneath my eyes from lack of sleep and worry. Normally bright golden eyes have faded into a dull yellow, too tired for only being nineteen. In disgust I spiderweb a hand across my abdomen, almost feeling the beat of another wretched heart that was never supposed to have existed. I dig my nails slightly into the skin and glance over at the medicine cabinet, where my saviours await in the form of colorful little pills. When I'm done nothing will be growing inside me, maybe nothing will be growing at all. Somehow, I don't care anymore.

of all the things I should've said, that I never said
all the things we should've done, that we never did
all the things I should've given, but I didn't

With trembling hands I unscrew the orange bottles and tip them onto the counter, where they clash against each other in a multitude of colors. I simply grab a handful and down them, coughing when they stick to my throat. I repeat until I feel like I'm going to throw up again, and sink down the wall. Maybe Luna will come back eventually and see me. Hopefully the pills will have done their magic, if I live to tell of it.

oh, darling, make it go
make it go away

[Stare]

Slamming the door of the base behind me, I walk furiously past a few gaurds that stand at the door. I don't even glance at them; they know me from all the trouble I've made.
I can feel their eyes on me as I walk into the forest, only calling a few words back.
"I'm going for a walk."
That's all I really need to say. Everyone knows I love to take walks in the middle of the dark, on paths that I've set out for myself. I could've sworn on a few occasions that I heard someone trailing me. When they can't see me anymore, I turn back around, my eyes staring at the base.
I'm sorry Jasik.
My first friend that I made there. The firstr person who didn't treat me oddly.
I'm sorry Ari.
The whole reason I'm alive right now is because of him. I owe him my life. And now, I'm turning my back on him, leaving him.
I'm sorry Flight.
She doesn't need me anymore. She can control the monster just fine. The only pain she'll have of me leaving will be from all the things we've gone through together.
And then I turn away, tears silently streaming down my face, as I walk away. Away from everything.
Soon, I wander off my paths. I want to get lost. To not know where I am or where I'm going. I don't care where I'm going, as long as it's away from here.
My walk is steady, and I keep my eyes ahead. No one needs me. I bring trouble. I was about to do something awful, anyways, I could feel it.
Only a few small words escape my lips, to complete the sentence that I said to the guards.
"I'm not coming back."

[sadniss everdeen]

(OOC: Idea! Because Kayla's away for a little bit, perhaps Luna forgot something and comes back, just to see Flight like this, and then we figure it out from there? Because I don't think our resident demon is in any shape to go looking.)

One by one my fingers loosen on the pretty little bottle clenched in my hand, empty. There is a feeling of numbness that spreads from my abdomen, quieting my stomach and mind. But throughout the haze there is the constant ache in the hollow center of my chest. Not from the drugs, or the cursed thing pulsing inside me.

Heartbreak?

"How could you do this? You whore!"

Yeah, that's probably it. I used to scoff at people who talked about it, but now I see how it hurts. My feet slowly slide out so they're laying flat in front of me. It seems the demon has won; I've given in to the constant whisperings that plagued me from since I was a young child. Tears finally come after years of hiding, but I don't even sob. I don't have the energy.

My gaze wanders up to the ceiling and stays there, fading, fading. Muscles go lax, breathing evens out so that it's almost nonexistant, and my heart shudders dangerously. Oh, wait. There is no heart.

It shattered the moment Luna walked out the door.

[Stare]

(Okey dokey!)

After a long time of walking, I get hungry. I reach down to my boot to get my knife, but it's not there. I frown, and dig around, even pulling off my boot and checking the other one. I search my belt. Nothing.
Shoot, I think angrily. How could you be so stupid?
I turn around, in the direction I came, biting my bottom lip. I really don't want to go back, because if I do, then I'll have to deal with the pain of leaving all over again. Not to mention, I've used the walking excuse. What will be my excuse this time?
But I can't survive without my knife. I'll be dead within a few days.
So I walk back, then quicken into a run. If I'm gone too long, someone might get suspiscious. After I'm gone, fine. Let them be. When I'm back... not fine.
So I run until my lungs are on fire, and then find the path. I slow down and catch my breath, leaning against a tree for support. Soon enough, my breath slows, and I walk back, towards the base.
The guards nod at me, not even asking for a name. I nod back and walk back it. Now, where did I leave that knife...?
I walk into the girls' room, and see the bathroom light on. It has to be Flight. And I'm just too curious to walk away.
I open the door slightly, and then gasp. For as mad at her as I am, my heart nearly breaks at the sight of her, and I realize there is no leaving anymore. Not after I've seen this.
"Flight!" I cry out, and rush towards her.
Her eyes are distant, almost gone...
"Don't leave Flight," I whisper. "I'm here... I'm here... don't leave... it's okay..."
And then the crying starts.

[sadniss everdeen]

There is a voice, heartbreaking in its pain and yet so very comforting. I try but my milky eyes won't shift their focus, it's like all will has left and only a husk remains. The bottle rolls from my limp fingers and hits the person gently, like nudging them to remind them of its presence. With a vague sense of intrigue I register that my chest is barely moving now, but I don't care to expand that line of inquiry. Then there is crying, and I place the voice.

Luna.

While the shock hits me, the greatest thing my body does is slump, falling into her lap like a puppeteer that has lost its master. But in the act, glassy yellow eyes now stare up at her face; streaked with tears. Tears? But why? My throat is dry, and my lips are gummy as I try to formulate words with vocal chords that have lost all their tension. But still I manage to mumble.

"It will make me better." I murmur, not being able to summon the strength to look at her directly. "They were everywhere and I couldn't, and then they were inside and it hurt." Not as much as when you left. But I can't voice that, I'm suddenly exhausted. However, it doesn't stop the betrayal from leaking into my eyes.

"You left."

[Stare]

My shoulders are shaking with the sobs, and I can barely hear her. There's a wailing inside me, a pain. I can't loose my only friend.
And then I realize that no matter how much the idea of having friends used to disgust me, I really don't want to loose mine. They are a weakness, but also a strength. Someone to encourage you, to push you when you need it, and help you keep on moving through life.
And I'm about to loose one.
"You left."
The betrayel is obvious in her voice, and it stings. Badly. My throat is tight, and when I attempt to speak, I'm cut off with a choking sound and then more tears. So many tears. Tears of pain, of loss, and of sadness.
I press my lips together, and wait for the choking feeling to go away before I answer her. The words are strangled, forced, but overall, full of depression.
"I had no choice. It was too much."

[sadniss everdeen]

Her words ignite a fury within me that lends the strength to shift and stare at her directly, gaze smoldering.

"And do you think I wanted this?" I rasp, angry. "From the moment you walked out that door, all I could think about was how I failed you. Failed us. I'm not fit to be a mother, Luna. You know that."

Then the rage drains from my body and I fall silent, letting my eyes float shut wearily. I stay there for a few moments, revelling in the light, airy feelings that spreads from my head to the rest of my body. But then reality comes and I open my eyes to look at her, forcing myself to stay awake.

"Just don't leave again, midnight. Please?"

[10stare is not logged on]

My eyes wander over her face, and the pain hits me again full force, right in the guts. I look into those empty yellow eyes, the dimming sun.
No, I can't let her go. I won't let her leave. I know she feels betrayed, but there's something in me that knows that when that awful thing comes, it would be best if she weren't there. I can't say I completely regret my choice to leave. But I can say that a tiny part of me wishes I never stepped out that door.
The tears that stream down my face reminds me that she's waiting for me. What can I say? What should I say?
Because right now, I'm unsure if I'll leave again. Not soon, of course. But what if I break again? What if I'm just doing it to protect her, to protect my friends?
So there are a weakness.
And then I look at the girl who actually gave me a life, who's attacked me on numerous occasions, but's also made me laugh at least a million times.
And a stength.
And then I've made my desision.
"I promise if you promise."
Because really, I can't bear to loose her.
I'd be lost in a world of darkness, where there are no stars and there is no moon.
And it would only be a matter of time before I was lost forever.

[sadniss everdeen]

Promises are meant to be broken.

That was one of the first sentences it spoke to me. And now, repeating in my mind, I'm not too sure it's wrong. But it's so hard to think in this strange place where cobwebs muddle my thoughts and the moon is hidden, blocking my only source of light. My eyes are broken, and that's how I feel. Damaged. Torn. But still I force my fingers to find her hand, curling weakly around her digits.

"I promise." I mumble out into the empty air. "I would never leave you, Luna." The last words were supposed to be spoken in my mind, but my fading grasp of reality let them slip outside. "If you only knew..."

But then a floodgate opens, and the drugs choose this touching moment to make their apperance. A sharp pain hits my abdomen, making my eyes roll back in my head and my knees curl into my chest. The burning is everywhere, but my muscles are now rigid and hurts too much to breathe, let alone scream. Is this what dying feels like?

I can't leave Luna, I can't. I promised. But I don't know if Fate will let me keep it.

Promises are meant to be broken.

(OOC: Out of curiousity, would Flight get utterly shot down if she confesses to Luna?)

[Stare]

(Well, knowing Luna's personality, she'd probably act like it never happened.)

When the look of pain crosses over Flight's face, I completely loose it. As if I weren't already crazy enough.
I break down in sobs, desperately grabbing Flight's arm and yanking it, shaking her by the shoulders, and even lightly slapping her face.
"Stay with me Flight!" I say, my eyes wild and wide. "Don't let it take you. You're too strong for that, you haven't lived out your life yet. Don't let it trick you! You're living an amazing life, Flight, and it's just begun. Don't leave, Flight!"
My voice starts from a steady and lead all the way to wailing, and more shaking and pulling and slapping.
"Don't leave me Flight!" I wail, still shaking her shoulders. "You promised! You promised you wouldn't leave!"
Tears are pouring down my cheeks now. "If you leave, I'll have to leave too, Flight! Please, don't leave me here alone! I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry! Please, don't go!"
My wailing ceases, my my tears still come. For a moment, I sit in the silence. Then I let out a hoarse whisper.
"You promised."

[sadniss everdeen]

For a moment, it hurts too much to move.

So I stop moving.

It hurts too much to think.

So I stop thinking.

Oh god, it hurts too much to breathe.

So I stop breathing.

And then there is nothingness, a void. I hang silently in my own little space, seeing stars wheel above my head like a movie reel. Floating lifelessly, I listen with dull ears the faint shuddering of my heart. Then her voice crosses the distance of my mind, begging, pleading with me. It'll hurt so much to go back to the world where everything is wrong, but I must. Afraid to move but knowing I have to, I twitch.

Then at once I'm no longer with all the pretty stars and lights and silence, but instead on the cold tile where there is a searing fire that ravages my body. For a moment, I just lay there. But from my chest starts a high, keening wail, growing in intensity until it matches what I feel. My fingers clench around Luna's and my eyes snap open with water threatening to turn into tears.

"Make it stop." I beg, rocking in a ball as another wave hits. There isn't much I plead for, but this is a special exception.

(OOC: So if she mentions, she'll get ignored? Blah, that won't work.)

[Stare]

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears

I stare at her as another wave of pain hits her. Her face is lined with pain as she grips my hand so tightly I'm afraid she might break my fingers. Her wail is so tortured, it almost breaks my heart. It sounds like a dying animal. I should know, I've heard some before.

And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

The tears in her eyes match my own, although I'm surprised. It's a rare occasion when Flight cries. And then she begs, pleads with me to stop the pain.
And I really wish I could. I wish I could wipe away her tears and fight away the pain and overall help her. She rarely pleads, so I know that the torture must be truely awful. What a stupid promise, one that will only lead to more pain and hearts that are shattered like a stain glass window.

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

"I'm sorry..." I whisper, my voice so pained it even makes my chest ache. "I wish... I wish I could do... do something..."
I could've done something. I could've never left. I could've stayed and helped her, lent her a hand, just like I always have.
And always will.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years

It's all my fault. I really have to face facts now. Or rather, have them face me, since right now I feel to pained and stiff to even look away from her pained face. And they're painfull facts. Facts like that I left her. Like I was selfish. Like if she dies, it'll be all my fault. Just like... but no, they're two different people.
Who just happened to have the same misfortune of knowing me.
I want to run and hide. I want to hide in a dark room with the door closed, so I can huddle into a tight knot and cry until someone comes in to comfort me. But of course, that'll never happen. And besides, how could I leave Flight?

But you still have
All of me

"Just hold onto my hand, Flight," I whisper. "It's gonna be all right. It'll be over soon."
But how would I know? I can only hope I'm not lying to her, not making promises that will soon turn into terrible misleading words. I stare into her eyes, into the dimming sun inside her.
Oh, please don't go out.

(OOC: Whew. At first, I thought this post would be totally short and lame. but the song [My Immortal] really inspired me.)

[sadniss everdeen]

(OOC: Yay for free public internet. Lemme try and match up, yeah? PS: I lurve that song. Double yay for great taste.)

the broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting, though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

My back arches and I scream, contractions seizing my muscles in waves of agony. I search for her face but it's hidden in a haze of tears; even though her voice is still clear as day. My lungs refuse to open, drawing in shallow, gasping breaths that do nothing but offer a taste of what I need. Somehow I manage to lace my fingers with hers before it starts all over again. Is this Hell? Maybe. I deserve it.

the broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
and I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
that are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

"If I die today," I manage to get out, shaking and sweating with tears leaking out the corners of my eyes. "I want... to experience one thing." My free hand grasps the back of her neck, and with all the strength I have left I bring myself up and cover her lips with mine. The contact is brief but electricity shoots down my skin, flooding me with a different kind of heat; one that I wish to feel again. Then I fall back onto her lap, but a ghost of a smile graces my face.

"I've fallen hard for you, Luna." I mumble, staring up at the outline of her features. Maybe it's the dying or the drugs that's given me the courage, but it's already been put out there, no taking it back out. "And I know that I don't have a chance, but I needed to tell you." Another rolling wave hits and my eyes snap shut, grinding my teeth and curling my fingers into claws.

I'm falling apart, barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
in the pain there is healing

I always thought that this attraction would be one of those one sided affairs that both parties acknowledged but wouldn't speak of. Seems my mind in its riddled state decided to change the rules.

in your name I find meaning
so I'm holding on, I'm holding on, I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

"If I live," I continue, tears freely rolling from my eyes. "You can hate me, loathe me, be disgusted. Just please, Luna, please don't shut me out. I wouldn't be able to live with that."

I'm hanging on to another day
just to see what you will throw my way
and I'm hanging on to the words you say
you said that I will, will be okay

(OOC: And boom. Damn it, now I'm curious to what she'll say back.)

[Stare]

(Well, lemme see if I can kick it up a notch. Yay, extra muse!)

Sometimes I feel like I'm a bird with broken wings
At times I dread my now and envy where I've been

For a moment, I am stunned into silence. Even my sobbing stops. And for a moment, it feels like time freezes. Right after she admits that, everything stops. Her agonized cries, my tears, even my own heartbeat seems to halt. Just for a moment. And then time speeds up, crashes back down on me as if a punishment for being stuck for that one second. For experiencing that pause, that weird little wrinkle in the easy flow of time.

But that's when quiet wisdom takes control
At least I've got a story no one's told

And everything else crashes down on top of me, too. Everything that had been balancing on the delicate glass marble that was my calm, quick thinking mind toppled down. My quick thinking can't help me. And how can I be calm right now? My best friend is dying, and she just admitted that she's fallen for me. But one thing saves me. Like a net spread out over my mind to catch the things that have fallen, everything inside me goes numb.

I finally learned to say
Whatever will be will be

You would've thought that after so long, I would have finally been able to take surprises. I've been almost killed by my best friend on numerous occasions. I've fallen out of a high place twice. I've had my friends almost been killed. I'm a rebel against the Capitol. I'm the kind of person who does not lead a normal life, so I really should be used to surprises and be able to handle them. But this numbness, the sudden fall of everything was proof that I have learned nothing. I guess I forgot to study.

I've learned to take
The good, the bad and breathe

But no, I've learned something. I've learned the one thing that matters. The only predictable thing in life is it's unpredictability. I've been through do many surprises, and that prooves one thing. No, I haven't learned how to handle surprises. But I have learned to survive them. And that's what matters.

'Cause although we like
To know what life's got planned
No one knows if shooting stars will land

So how do I survive this surprise? What am I supposed to say? It definately came as a shock. Maybe my quick thinking will come in handy after all. But I can think of nothing to say, nothing in the world to comfort her. In fact, I can't think of anything to say at all. Whatsoever. Mean, comforting, or halfway in between.

These days it feels naive to put your faith in hope
To imitate a child, fall backwards on the snow

I know a lot depends on what I say. But what I don't know is how I feel about this. The numbness that's swept through me has swept away the dangerous emotions that may or may not cause me pain. Then a hopeful thought strikes me. Maybe Flight feels the same way. Maybe it's the drugs that are speaking to me right now. But as I stare into her yellow eyes, misty and distant, I know that it's her who's telling me this.

'Cause that's when fears will usually lead you blind
But now I try to under-analyse

Then, very slowly, I get ahold of myself. I begin to look at the situation over in my mind. Turning it over again and again, and wishing it was less then it really was. I come up with the same thing to say everytime, and after the eighth analysis, trust myself to say it outloud. "I will never hate you, loathe you, or be disgusted. I'll never shut you out. Flight, you're my best friend and then some."
I look into her eyes and smile, but the numbness drags the sincerity out of it. But no matter what, I will not regret what I have said.

Say, whatever will be will be.
Take, the good the bad and breath.
Cause although, we like to know what life has planned.
No one knows where shooting stars will land.

[sadniss everdeen]

Her words instill a strange feeling within me, heartbreak laced with hope. While her smile lacks sincerity, how she phrased it gives spark to a dying flame.

"And then some?" I cough, my lips twisting into a smirk despite attemps to keep them neutral. A part of me is unshakable in its reasoning that she will never return what I feel, but I ignore it and pray for the best. That's optimism speaking; strange, because I'm always the farthest from.

The waves seem to have subsided for now, so I wipe my eyes to try and focus on her face. She seems conflicted, not surprisingly. I offer a weak smile.

"Sorry to have dumped this all on you at once, but I'm not entirely sure how long I have left." Suddenly seized by the thought of how close I am to her... parts, I attempt to lever myself into a sitting position, but instead fall heavily back into her lap. I repeat the process with the same results, so I sigh and resign to laying on the cold tile; trying in vain to get comfortable. It's going to be a long night.