You’re takin every beat from my heart (Sampson)

[zakattack]

Two days had almost passed and it still hurt. The way it felt when I thought about that night rose an acidic bile in my throat and my stomach felt like I had been punched. He wasn’t supposed to hurt me…I trusted him.

[/i] The haze of booze had left me with a throbbing head ache the next day but even that didn’t bother me as much as the way Deval had treated me. He hadn’t even come back to check and see if I was okay. He didn’t care. Freya made it clear that boys didn’t care at all and Deval was no different…even if I wanted him to be.

The nights were getting cooler and you could feel the wane of summer as the leaves rustled a little louder but that didn’t deter me from going to the hill top again. I don’t know if I was hoping he’d be there, or if I just wanted to be alone, but it was the only place that made sense. Pulling on one of my older brothers worn tshirts I tried to convince myself that I should stay at home, in bed, to let things be…but I couldn’t I just needed a break. So through the window I slipped again, barefoot and clothed in only a the old teeshirt and my underwear, it didn’t matter that the chill of the night was nipping against my legs as I made my way through the night like a cat. I just wanted to be with him.[/i] [/s] alone. The path was a quick easy one, I’d followed it for years and tonight was no different as I drifted through the twists and turns.

He wouldn’t be there, I told myself over and over with each step. He doesn’t love you. You don’t love him. He doesn’t care. The words repeated over and over as the incline steepened till I reached the top. The leaves whispered back words of encouragement. I didn’t have to stay here, Freya had told me as much. About a world outside our District fences, where I could go and never be reaped. of course I could die that way but it was better than this. Maybe she wasn’t crazy, maybe I could just leave. My eyes scanned the little houses and buildings below and I felt the familiar pang of sadness in my heart. Deval was in one of those houses, with Sampson, with a family, he didn’t need me the way I thought I needed him. He’d shown me that his family was first and everything else was just a distraction. I was a distraction.

Giving a sigh I sunk down to the ground, the same way I had on the night we kissed, and laid back spreading my arms and legs wide, even my fingers splayed out, as I stared up at the sky. Benat was supposed to be up there in the stars. Even I had talked to him a few times, asking for ways to make Deval happy, but it seemed he didn’t care either. “You were supposed to help us be together, to be happy.”[/color] I muttered wrinkling my nose at the sky. Freya had tried to explain the situation with Rum Tum and Deval and Sampson, but it didn’t matter. He had left her just the same as Deval had left me. Benat was still dead and so was my hopes that I could be happy here. The more I stared at the sky the more I figured Freya was right, it would be easier to grab my things and go. My family wouldn’t care, in fact my mother would probably throw a party or send the peacekeepers on me herself. Emery could move on with the wild hair bitch from the party and Sampson would finally be glad I was gone for good. There wasn’t anything to keep me here but me. As a breeze fluttered through I could feel the gooseprickles rise on my legs and my teeth chattered a bit.

Fall would be here before we knew it, the corn would be ready for harvest and we’d start bearing down on our winter supplies to make sure we wouldn’t starve when the weather changed. Deval probably didn’t know what it was like to huddle under worn blankets with people who hated you just so you didn’t catch the fever. Sitting up I felt that anger rise in me again and staring at the sky I yelled out, . “Why did you bring him to me if you just wanted to take him away? It’s not fair. I just wanted something…someone…I just didn’t want to be alone anymore…and he understood. Why would you do it?”[/color] Once more I felt the bite of tears at my eyes and I bit my tongue to force them back down. Deval Izar already owned too many of my tears. [/i]
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[Sampson]

And I had the week that came from hell
And yes I know that you can tell
But you're like the net under the ledge
But I go flying off the edge
You go flying off as well

After my experience with runaway ghosts and empty yelling, I found myself feeling entirely alone. The people departed from the domain of my very surprising surprise party and then, I was one. Sampson must have scampered home, scarred emotionally beyond repair because of our dead big brother somehow making an appearance as a VIP of the party. Maybe he forgot to RSVP? That's why we never he was coming. Benat was always forgetful about that kind of stuff, so it did make some kind of sense, if anything about that day had made any sense at all. How does a dead person showing up to a party for the living make any sense at all? The answer to that question is that it doesn't. I'm still trying to figure out everything that happened that day, but for now, it's a blur of horrible things.

Perhaps that's why I find myself drawn to the clarity of the night sky. The stars, with their seemingly random display, always seemed so organized to me. It might seem a little odd, considering just how boundless the night sky was, but I swore one could find the same star every night in the same place if they looked hard enough. There had to be some kind of order, some type of structure, or else wouldn't they all come falling down eventually? I had to believe something kept them all so beautifully intact.

I just didn't have to believe that Benat was up there among them anymore. In one night, a single face had killed the only form of religion I had ever actually believed in. If there had been something beyond death, it had lived in Benat's stars. That's another reason I'm going to the same hill where I met with Asha not long before I saw Benat walking again. I'm hoping that being there, sitting there again, might resuscitate my faith. There's also the stupid, foolish hope that I'll revive my fading relationship with Asha there. I'm naive for thinking she'll be there, mindless for believing that the luck that kept bringing us together before will do it yet again.

I'm so stuck on how hopeless the whole idea is that when I hear a voice as I near the hill, I think it's my own, even when I haven't said a word the entire trip. "Why did you bring him to me if you just wanted to take him away? It’s not fair." the voice clearly doesn't belong to me, but I'm in denial. Because if the words aren't mine, and it's someone else sitting up on the hill, my ridiculous hope that Asha is there will only grow. My boots dig into the earth as it slopes up, pushing me up to the peak faster and faster.

I see her hair first. There's a gentle, chilly breeze that lingers with the oncoming fall playing with the locks of gentle brown. Her being there, sitting there talking to who I can only guess is my Benat, means that nothing about our relationship is luck. There is no chance causing our paths to collide. It is fate. The stars have somehow bound our paths together and now, I am almost positive the girl couldn't drop out of my life even if she tried. I really hope she wouldn't try but the fear I had of it before doesn't seem so strong. She speaks again and I freeze, unable to make my way to her side until she's done, "I just wanted something…someone…I just didn’t want to be alone anymore…and he understood. Why would you do it?"

"I wouldn't waste your breath," my words are shaky. Oh ripred she must hate me."I'm pretty sure Benat isn't up there, not after what I saw," I sound so pathetic. But what do I say, besides how sorry I am? There's no way to explain what happened that night, no way to justify what I did or said. That night was the most wonderful and terrible thing that has happened to me since the 63rd Hunger Games. Would she understand that? Would she understand the joy and terror I felt at seeing my brother's face again? Would she accept that hearing Sampson scream like that, while I was busy kissing her, reminded me about everything my brother's Games? That was why I saw Elodie, like she was just a distraction, a seductress bent on buying Ivy enough time to get my last brother. I can't put any of that into words so I sit down beside her with my knees pulled up to my chest and say, "I'm sorry," like it will make any difference to the girl whose heart I held so carefully and broke so recklessly in just one night.

Last night I think I drank too much
Call it our temporary crutch
With broken words I tried to say
Honey don't you be afraid
If we got nothing we got us

[zakattack]

My eyes burn with the prickles of the tears and even feeling my teeth break the flesh of my tongue doesn’t stop a few from spilling down. My hands flick up hastily pushing them away as I wonder if I should burn with anger instead of rejection or if I should even feel at all

[/i]. All the things that Freya say stick with me jumbling whatever clarity I was hoping to find up here. Benat is dead and her friend Rum Tum is just drudging up the memories that should’ve stayed buried. It doesn’t make sense. None of this is right.

That night was supposed to be the night when I final let Deval in, when I told him just what he meant to me, and when I let him find out just how much I trusted him…instead it had flipped our world upside down. I could just picture it, slipping away into the corn, giving into the kisses, and not heading back to the party till we had found the comfort and sweetness of what was growing between us. That’s what should’ve happened and I was still bitter that it didn’t. As I swiped away a few more tears the voice I never wanted to but very much needed to [/i] [/s] hear again echoed around me.

And my heart shattered.

All the anger and frustration that had been building up inside of me spilled out in the tears across my cheeks. The pain of the way he left me out in the winding stalks of corn felt fresh as that moment and I fought the urge to look at him. Biting hard on my lip I sniffle and swipe my hands across my cheeks as he sits beside me. Part of me wants to scream at him, lash out and show him how it feels to have someone hurt your heart without a thought of the pain they’re causing. I could imagine the sting of my palm as it would slap across his cheek, a bright red hand print splattering like blood across his skin, and it would feel good. Instead I clench my hands at my side and stare straight ahead as his apology fills the void between us.

Two nights ago my hand would have already found his, our bodies would’ve been as close together as they could be without merging into one, but tonight the space between us is as cold as ice. Pulling my legs up into the tshirt I dare a glance at him even though I’m hating the fact he’s seeing my tear red puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks. Our eyes meet and my stomach drops. All the words I’ve imagined screaming at him fall away and I’m lost. How does he do this to me?[/i] My mouth opens to say something but nothing comes out but a soft whimper. I hate that he’s seeing me so weak, because this isn’t me. I’m not a broken girl…I’m not one to fawn and fluff over a boy…but yet I’m sitting here with a broken heart over him. I want him to just get it, the way he always had, but that simple ease between us was just a figment of my imagination.

Deval’s being here is more than I want to handle, it’s a point being made that as much as I wanted to be alone, as much as I want to run, I can’t leave him. We’re stuck together in this mess and I hate it. I hate that I don’t have a choice about what my heart feels, but I don’t hate him. Not one bit. And as my eyes stay with his I hope he knows that because I’m not brave enough to tell him. Instead I sit there waiting for him to come comfort me, I deserve that much. My mouth opens again and this time a whisper slips out, “I’d never hurt you…or Sampson.”[/color]

I don’t know why I felt I needed to confirm that to him, but some for some reason it was the only thing that made sense. Its not like I could blurt out that I thought I was falling in love with him [/i].

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[Sampson]

And I had the week that came from hell
And yes I know that you can tell
But you're like the net under the ledge
But I go flying off the edge
You go flying off as well

The present Asha gave me the other night burns in my pocket. It radiates the heat of disappointment and humiliation through the thin layer of fabric that makes up my pair of old jeans. Fall's chilly touch no longer reaches me; all I feel is the small tie tack smoldering like a fiery coal. I know it's only heated in my mind, mainly because I feel so guilty for ruining that perfect night and wrecking the natural easiness between me and Asha. Even though I know the truth, I still have to pull it from my pocket just to make sure the little thing really isn't melting into my flesh.

I'm almost afraid to bring the present out into the light, to make it so vulnerable in the open air. What if Asha, in her rage and bitter betrayal, snatches it from my hands and I never get it back? The idea of losing the compass tie tack for good seems unfathomable. It is a gift that means more to me than I can ever explain, even if there are some bad memories attached to it with Benat's copycat and my foolishness. But I can get over the bad. Everything else about the trinket makes my heart beat faster. As I sit there beside Asha, hoping she won't find some corner of her heart to lock me away in where I will no longer be a bother, I cling to the tie tack with a pale fist.

"I’d never hurt you…or Sampson," she whispers so low that I turn my ear towards her. The words fill me with such a sudden anger, I can't stop my reply from sounding unnecessarily harsh.
"You think I don't know that?!" I'm staring at her downturned face, my eyes hoping to convey the message of how I am the one who messed up. She shouldn't be saying anything like that, but I shouldn't be talking the way I am either. My irrational temper isn't going to help anyone in this situation.

After slipping the tie tack back into my pocket, I let my hands rub across my face as I let out both an irritated and exasperated sigh. It will be impossible to explain what happened that night or how I feel right now, but I have to try. I can't let this one thing ruin the beautiful thing I have with Asha. "I shouldn't have reacted that way," my words are controlled, careful even. I want to be precise about managing the way they are presented. There's absolutely no use in being angry with Asha, even if how helplessness I'm feeling about conveying my emotions is beyond irritating. Besides, being upset with Asha will only hurt her more and I don't want that. "It's just... I... Sampson is all I've got," I run my hands through my bangs as I let out another flustered sigh. I've never been so tongue-tied before. "I can't stop looking over my shoulder or watching his back," my eyes are now locked on my fingers, which are occupied with pulling up lumps of grass, "I'm so afraid of losing him."

It's hard to admit, how scared I actually am. Before Benat died, I used to have this irrational fear of the dark. It was the only thing that I could find legitimate distress over. Now, I laugh about having such a useless, foolish fear. Now, my nightmares are filled with the idea of losing Sampson and being left entirely alone. It's a new fear, but a good one. It's one I can focus on to make sure it never comes true. I don't know if Asha will understand how prominent the terror of losing my little brother is in my life, considering how awful her family is to her, but I decide it doesn't matter. She just has to know that fear is what compelled me to ruin our night and possibly us. She has to know that such a fear was powerful enough to make me blind to consequences. That night, I couldn't process anything that didn't have something to do with keeping Sampson alive.

Last night I think I drank too much
Call it our temporary crutch
With broken words I tried to say
Honey don't you be afraid
If we got nothing we got us

[zakattack]

It takes everything I have not to watch every move that Deval makes. There’s something inside of me so very scared that this will be the last time I have him near me. That one wrong step and I’m going to lose the comfort of him forever. I can hear him fidgeting next to me and I close my eyes before glancing over to see him toying with something small in his fingers and my heart dropped into my stomach. I had searched the dusty floor of the cornfield sure that he had tossed the only thing I could afford to give him down expecting it anxiously to prick my finger, however it was to no avail. Because Deval kept my gift…he didn’t hate me!

[/i]. As I moved to stare at him the words of my fealty to him and his brother slipping out, I let a smile cross my face at the clinched fist now holding my tie tack.

But once more Deval lashed out at me. His words cut through anything good I had begun to feel. Deval was a ticking time bomb and there was no telling what it would take to set him off. The sharpness of his voice let free the tears cascading down my cheeks and I sniffled and pulled back. His hands shoved the tie tack back in his jean pocket and my hands swiped at my cheeks as he let out a groan. None of this was making sense. Why was it suddenly so hard to talk to him, we’d never needed a lot of words to understand each other before. There was just a mutual connection where we could sit in silence and still know what the other needed…now even a few words were becoming another fight.

My lips were pressed together as I watched him stumble through his emotions looking so frail and innocent. The big strong man I knew who let his anger and body lead the way was sitting before me looking like a child full of vulnerability. It was as if he just couldn’t understand any more how much he meant to me, and as if I didn’t mean anything to him.[/i] He didn’t have just Sampson. He had me as well. I loved him, I needed him. He was the only friend I had, unless you counted Freya who I had just met. Crawling out of my shirt turned cocoon I moved over in front of Deval sitting on my legs and reach out to take his hands in mine. The soil and blades of grass still clung to his palm as I pressed my own against his and slotted my fingers between his larger ones. The fear and struggle still crossed his face as I tilted my head looking into his eyes. “Deval.”[/color] I squeezed his hands, “You have me.”[/color]

The night was still around us and the distant hoot hoot of an owl echoed through with the night breeze as a shiver crept up my spine. I wasn’t going to leave him, I wasn’t [/i] Sliding my hands from his I guide his arms around me and lean into his chest as my hands reach up to brush through his hair. “You have me.”[/color] I repeat softly, “and I’ll help you keep Sampson safe...I will.”[/color] I wasn’t sure how I would but I knew I would try with everything I could. Anything to keep Deval from hurting again…

There was something magical about that hill top. The way it had brought us together, the way it sealed out fate. Deval tried to deny that Benat was here, but I knew he was. and always would be watching over his brothers. Pulling Deval into an embrace I could feel my wet cheeks against his neck as I breathed in the scent of falling leaves and broken hearts. The words I wanted to so desperately say were choked in my throat as we were wrapped together under the stars. He had to know that this was different. It wasn’t a childhood crush, he was my friend, my very best friend and so much more, and the only thing that made sense when I was stuck at home alone in those nights.

Maybe I was placing too much importance on Deval in my life, but in those moments I didn’t care. Lives in District 11 were far too short as it was already so who was I to deny even one iota of what I felt. He’d already lost his older brother, felt the sting of death so very close, and I wasn’t about to let him feel it again. Slowly my lips found his neck and worked soft kisses along his collarbone. live for the moments like this Asha [/i] We were young and old, broken and new, we were something that meant nothing and everything all at once. I just wanted Deval to know that it didn’t matter if he yelled and screamed at me, we were scared and fear does crazy things, and the fear of him leaving me for good lead me to brush my lips against his lighter than a feather. “You have me Deval and I’m not going anywhere.”[/color]

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[Sampson]

And I had the week that came from hell
And yes I know that you can tell
But you're like the net under the ledge
But I go flying off the edge
You go flying off as well

"Deval. You have me."

Asha melts into me, thawing out my numb skin and taking away the fall's cold air with just gentle touches. It's terrifying. Here I was, prepared to go to war to prove that I had never meant to hurt her in any way, yet she allows me back in without much groveling. It makes me wonder how much Asha has invested in what we are or who I am. She must realize how awful these last few months have been and how I used to be different before Benat was taken from us, yet she doesn't seem to mind. That scares me too. The Deval I am today is so foreign, even to me. I'm still discovering everything about the broken pieces of what used to be who I was. Things like what sets me off, what makes me laugh, and how I tolerate other human beings, has all changed. Asha never knew me before Benat died, never knew me when I was bitter because Benat constantly shadowed me. She did not know me when I would have given anything to see him fall, just so I could shine in the light for a fleeting moment. I wonder if she would have ever loved me as that Deval. Would she have ever taken the time to get to know a jealous, selfish middle child?

My devotion to Sampson and separation from Benat has made me a more tolerable human. I am selfish in different ways, which gives me the appearance of selflessness. I am selfless today because of what I lost. I'm selfless to keep what I still have. Sacrificing everything to ensure Sampson stays with me is my ultimate form of greediness. If Asha understood this, she might see through me. She would grasp the very real fact that, if it came down to throwing her to the wolves to save Sampson, I would. And that's not ok. It's not supposed to be that way, especially if she cares about me as much as I think she does. Does she know this? Can she accept it? Will she ever grasp that my family will always come first? I'm sure she must have some idea. I squeeze her hand gently.

"I know, Asha," my words are collected and smooth. I always think forever before actually saying anything but at least, around Asha, my words come out okay. It makes up for some of my more unflattering qualities. “You have me. And I’ll help you keep Sampson safe...I will,” Asha explains as though she's inside my mind. She's incredible like that sometimes. Even after I just get done debating if she even understands how important Sampson is to me, she goes and says something like that. Her words mean the world to me. I just hope she understands the gravity of such a proclamation. Keeping Sampson safe has become quite the task lately. It's also a task I cannot afford to fail. A little help could make the possibility of being unsuccessful with protecting Sampson somewhat smaller and even a little could go a long way.

It was a little surprising on her part. Sampson and her had butted heads before and would inevitably in the future. While it was no big deal to me, I know Asha carries a temper just as violent as my own. I've seen her fury and plan to (hopefully) never be on the receiving end of it. Even so, she's been able to put aside her ill feelings for Sampson in order to support me and that speaks louder than any words. Her family treats her like shit and she's still able to accept my relatives with an open-mind and an even more open heart. It must mean she thinks the world of me, which is still so wrong. Putting too much faith in me could be dangerous.

She pecked little kisses across my collarbone and then on my lips. "You have me Deval and I’m not going anywhere," Asha reassures me over and over again that I 'have' her. It's easy to understand that she's there for me, but I'm not entirely fond of the idea of actually having her. Does that not imply ownership? While she may not mean it that way, I still have to correct it. My better judgement tells me to.
"Don't let me have you," I say, because I want her to understand that I may not be the safest thing for her. A low sigh escapes my mouth as I brush back my hair with my free hand, the one that's not entwined with Asha's. "But don't go anywhere, either," my addition is a simple reminder that I do want her around. The pressure of being so much to Asha is just a little... stressful. I have to amount to whatever she sees me as and that's rather scary.

Last night I think I drank too much
Call it our temporary crutch
With broken words I tried to say
Honey don't you be afraid
If we got nothing we got us

ooc || this took me forever to reply, but here's the finishing post. i'm so sorry it took me so long.