A mask of LIES//Axel

[k!ah]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 500px; padding-left:10px; padding-right:10px; background-color: F8FCD1; border: 899B76 solid 4px; width: 500px; height: 181px; padding: 0 0 0 0px; border-radius: 50px 50px 50px 50px;][atrb=width,300] ::Distrcit 6::Male::

[/color]Another year older
A little bit stronger
A little bit wiser than? a year ago today[/center][/i]

Thud . THUD, thud, THUD The uneven sound of my gait filled the alleyway echoing off the walls around me. I listened to them feeling a sense of comfort in hearing the bounce off the walls around me. It reminded me that I was alive. It reminded me that I was alive and that I was meant to be alive. I was alive for a reason, even if that reason was only to comfort the only family that I had left. I had been walking down one of the deserted alleyways in the poorer part of District six. I knew the streets like I knew the back of my hand. The walls that surrounded me now were covered in graffiti, tags of people who took pleasure in vandalising the walls of the district, almost in a sign of rebellion, rebellion against the capitol. People who rebel against the capitol almost always find themselves in a position where they regret their choices. I think to myself harshly, before dragging my eyes away from the words and images that surrounded.

Finally I made it to the end of the alley way and I stepped out of the shelter of the tunnel and into the searing heat of the sun’s rays. It had been searing hit now for about two weeks and by now the heat was really getting to me. Sweat clung to my forehead and plastered my shirt to my back. Dragging a tired hand across my brow I headed in the direction of the hospital. It was time for one of my check-ups. I didn’t usually go to them alone, Lexi would usually insist on coming with me, but my last check-up hadn’t gone so well… so this time, instead of informing Lexi of the date of the appointment, I had been vague and told her that it would be soon. I hated going to them, they always re-fuelled my hate for living, but I knew that they were essential. They reminded me how useless and a burden to the family that I was

The sun beat down on me as I hobbled in the direction of the hospital my mind taking me to the last time that I had been in the hospital. I had stormed out, nurses trying to sooth me and reassure me that everything was going to be okay. They seemed to think that if they told me enough times that everything was going to be okay, that it magically was. But no. I knew better. It never was going to be okay. I knew that I would live the rest of my life knowing that any day now my cancer might decide it had had enough of hibernating and decide that it wanting to go for a killed rampage. Eating through my insides first before deciding that is was ready to finish me off fully. I had fought it off before, fighting day and night to pull free on cancers grasp. I hadn’t done it for myself though, but for my family. I had done it for them, because I love them, and I knew that if they were to loose me so soon after losing our parents that they would not have been able to pull through.

I had fought through the soldiers of death only to live a life where I could easily fall back into that fight. I lived my life like I was living on the edge of a knife. I lived my life through the here and now. I had no plans. I had no extravagant ideas for the future. I lived in the presence, but not because I wanted to, but because I had to. I had no choice. I could feel the usual anger that surged through me when I remembered that I had no guarantees to see the sun rise each morning, when I remember that I had no guarantees that I would ever have a family, or live life passed the reaping age where I might finally feel a little safer.

An exhausted sigh escapes my lips as I round the next corner, a huge building looming up in front of me. I pause for a moment to take in the large building. The hospital. The pace where I will be told that I will die soon, but I will also be told that it was going to be okay, that everything was going to be okay. Fighting the urge to flee and run toward the open fields on the other side of the district, I continue walking, walking into the place where my next nightmare waits for me.[/size]

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[Anna Banana]

I could remember the last time that Gus had gone to the hospital like it was yesterday, it was just one of those memories you couldn't cast away, forever burned into your mind. The look of defeat on his face when the doctors and nurses told him that his cancer was incureable...at least with what we had available to use as medicine here. They had tried to comfort him and tell him it was okay, but their words fell on deaf ears. He knew just as well as I did that their words were nothing more then that...words...they would never amount to anything more then that. That's why I didn't make the effort to talk to him or comfort him, as harsh as that sounds I knew better then to do that. He would just percieve it as an attempt to belittle him and make him feel like an invalid. It was necessary though that he go to the hospital for his appointments, he may not believe so, but it was enough to let me know how much time he had left...if it was getting worse.

He still hated them though...and hated when I went with him. I think that's why he didn't state with absolute certainty when his next appointment was, he didn't want me going with him. He was so proud, so unwilling to accept help, and I think that's what broke my heart the most. As his older sister the responsibility to take care of him had fallen on me, and since my sister had succumbed to her drugs I had become increasingly more protective of him. How could I not, after losing our parents at such a young age, and then losing my sister...he was all I had left...I didn't want to be alone. It was why I put up with so much, put myself out there...why I had signed on with a known criminal just for the extra money. I had made so many sacrifices to make him happy, and yet all I had done was make him more upset.

It was for that reason that I followed him this morning. Since he had failed to tell me when his appointment was I had kept a close eye on him. He almost never moved from his spot in "our" alleyway, this little spot behind one of the dumpsters, and when he did it was only for his appointments or for his infrequent trips to get fresh air. Today it was too early for one of his fresh air trips so that left only one other thing, his appointment. That's why I had waited for him to limp his way down the alley before getting up and following him. If he thought he could out smart me he had another thing coming, I hadn't gone through the filth of District 6 without picking up a few tricks along the way. His travels were slow though, his limp causing him to make little progress as he went through the alley. On top of that the heat was beating down on him, and I felt the urge to draw him into the shade and keep him cool. If I did that though I would blow my cover and he would refuse to go to the hospital.

I let the heat beat down on me as I followed him, my hair sticking to the sweat that formed on the back of my neck. It was barely into summer and the heat was so unbearable right now, the Capitol really needed to do something to help us out here, otherwise we would bake in the heat. I glanced briefly up at the sun before returning my gaze back to Gus, who had come to a halt at the end of the alleyway. There could only be two things that would cause him to stop like that, the hospital or a group of Peacekeepers, and there were none of the signs that it was Peacekeepers. That left only one thing...the hospital. I sped up and rested my hand gently on Gus' shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly despite the fact he would probably hate me for following him.

"You should know it's not good to sneak around Gus, you should also know that you're incapable of sneaking around anywhere. Why didn't you tell me that your appointment was today, you KNOW that I always go with you. Look, you're the only thing I have left Gus, and I'm sorry if it embarrasses you that I go with you to the hospital, but I care about you and whether you like it or not I'm going with you." I moved to stand beside him, but in a moment of regret and shame I refused to meet his eyes...those eyes that could burn into you and make you feel guilty...like the weight of the world was on your shoulders. What he didn't have in physical abilities he more then made up for with his ability to look into your soul. It was a good thing he couldn't see everything though, otherwise he would know just how far I've gone for him.

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[k!ah]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 500px; padding-left:10px; padding-right:10px; background-color: F8FCD1; border: 899B76 solid 4px; width: 500px; height: 181px; padding: 0 0 0 0px; border-radius: 50px 50px 50px 50px;][atrb=width,300] ::Distrcit 6::Male::

[/color]Another year older
A little bit stronger
A little bit wiser than? a year ago today[/center][/i]


When your told that you don’t have long to live lots of things change. Your whole life, and everything it means to you change You forget about planning for the future, you live in the moment making on the spot decisions. I have learnt the hard way, but slowly, ever so slowly I am learning more and more on how to cope. It has taken about 3 years, but in those three years I have learnt a lot about life, and what it means to live. Sometimes you don’t have the choice on whether not you want to live another day on this earth or not. You do it for the people that love you. But it also comes at a cost, knowing when you’re going to die that is, because you feel this urge to start to distance yourself from the people who are closest to your heart, in hopes, that when you do leave this world to live again, in a different world, that their hearts don’t break to hard.

I have tried, tried so very hard, to hide my feelings. I have gone to the extents of trying to avoid my sister, the only family I have left, to try and reduce the amount I am going to break her heart when I die, but she does not make it easy. And today, well it was just another day where she has made it almost impossible for me to hate her. The warm squeeze of my shoulder at first send shoot of alarm through my body, but after a moment I realise who it is. At first anger surges through me so powerful that I was afraid that I would lose control, I was afraid that I would lash out at her, tell her something that I would regret. I try to tame the anger that surges through my veins creating a storm that is raging wild. Breathe in…Breath out…. In…. out… I tell myself. Slowly the anger fades and I feel the beginning of a smile forming at my lips. My sister. Never one to let me walk into my night mares alone.

I hide the happiness that flowers in my chest behind a mask of annoyance. I had told myself over and over again that I did not want her hear. That with her being there it would be so much harder to look her in the eyes when day passed. I hated the fact that she would have to stand in the same room as me and listen to the doctors drone on and on about who my death was inventible. But did that mean that I really didn’t want her there? Or was that just my excuse?


"You should know it's not good to sneak around Gus, you should also know that you're incapable of sneaking around anywhere. Why didn't you tell me that your appointment was today, you KNOW that I always go with you. Look, you're the only thing I have left Gus, and I'm sorry if it embarrasses you that I go with you to the hospital, but I care about you and whether you like it or not I'm going with you." The small smile that had been playing teasingly at the edges of my lips slipped out for a moments as the words tumbled out of her mouth. I really did appreciate her telling me that she would be there for me, no matter what. But underneath it all I could feel a gentle wave of regret and guilt build in the bottom of my stomach. She insisted on coming she insisted on listening to something that would just make her heart break, all over again. And it was all my fault. I yell silently to myself, the small smile that had surfaced on my lips disappearing instantly.

Finally I build up the courage to speak. I turn so that I am looking directly at her. Her eyes are focussed on the ground, refusing to look at me. “Lexi. Lexi, look at me,” my voice is soft but firm. For a moment it looks like she was going to refuse, but eventually she drags her gaze to mine. “Lexi, you don’t have to do this. You don’t have to put yourself through this. It hurts me each time, and I don’t understand how I even manage to put up with it, but with you being there it makes it that much harder for me. Not only does it break my heart to see the hope fade from your eyes each time, but it breaks yours too.” My voice is so soft by the end that I am not even sure that Lexi could have heard what I said. She couldn’t be there. Not today. “Lexi please listened to me when I ask you not to come? Please do it for me?” A pleading note creeps into my voice as I stare at her, my eyes wide. She had to do this, I have never, not once, asked her to do anything for me. The least she could do was listened to me. But even as I stare into her eyes I could see her mind working, an argument forming in the depths of her thoughts.
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[Anna Banana]

For a moment I had believed he would be happy to see me, I could almost see the slight traces of a faint smile playing on his lips. It was something I hadn't seen in so long, to see my brother smile...it was like...one of the greatest treasures of my life. It was gone so quickly though that I almost believed I had imagined it, but I had seen it, I knew I had, and just the thought of it made a small smile come to my face. It was the first smile I had smiled, a real true smile, in a very long time, and I wondered if my face was capable of remembering how to even do it. An infrequent thing such as a smile on either of our faces, it was rare, and even rarer was Gus smiling. I couldn't dwell on it long though, he wasn't giving me enough time to relish in the moment.

It was his usual speech though, telling me that I didn't have to do this, that he didn't want me to go with him. It was the same thing, and yet this time, I felt a level of impatience in his voice, something bitter. There was more to this then just his disease or even his leg, there was something nagging at the back of his mind. What he was asking was impossible though, I couldn't let him go in alone, I couldn't let him hear the same thing again...alone. I knew what it was like to be alone, I knew what it was like to walk a familiar road knowing what was at the end...I couldn't let him do it alone. He had never been able to hold our mother's hand or hear her comforting voice, I had to be that mother to him, I had to be able to hold his hand and comfort him. Before my sister had passed on I had felt like the responsibility to be the mother had rested on me, and even more so with her passing...I felt like I had to be there for him.

"What you ask is impossible Gus, I'm not letting you go in there alone, I have always been there for you. You...you...you never got to see our mother or have her comfort you when you needed it, and I've done my best to be that mother for you. I-I-I can't be everything...I can't be everywhere at once...but I can be here today...with you...for you. You don't have to do it alone Gus...I know I'm not mom...but...please don't make me leave you alone." I could feel my composure slowly slipping away from me, the more I dwelt on memories of mom, the more I thought about how unhappy Gus was. All the stress of my life was catching up to me, bearing down on me like the heavens were crashing down on me. I wasn't prepared for this, I was only seventeen years old, I couldn't deal with this, why did I have to carry all the responsibility.

On top of all that my own life was in shambles, I was involved in crime rings, I was pretty sure that it was only a matter of time before a Peacekeeper came along and busted me. We already weren't on the best of terms from all the times that my sister and I had been caught pickpocketing. The only thing guarding me right now was the fact that the group I was with currently with had a miraculous way of covering their tracks. They may or may not be legal, but why should I care, it kept me out of the detention center and able to keep an eye on Gus. "You're stuck with me now Gus, whether you like it or not...I'm...it's up to me...I'm all the family you have left, and you're all I have left. I can't let you go in alone...because I love you too much to let you deal with that by yourself."

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((OOC: I'm not sure how much sense this makes xD, I was way to tired finishing this))

[k!ah]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 500px; padding-left:10px; padding-right:10px; background-color: F8FCD1; border: 899B76 solid 4px; width: 500px; height: 181px; padding: 0 0 0 0px; border-radius: 50px 50px 50px 50px;][atrb=width,300] ::Distrcit 6::Male::

[/color]Another year older
A little bit stronger
A little bit wiser than? a year ago today[/center][/i]

"What you ask is impossible Gus, I'm not letting you go in there alone, I have always been there for you. You...you...you never got to see our mother or have her comfort you when you needed it, and I've done my best to be that mother for you. I-I-I can't be everything...I can't be everywhere at once...but I can be here today...with you...for you. You don't have to do it alone Gus...I know I'm not mom...but...please don't make me leave you alone." The words slip from her mouth and the small burst of hope that had formed in my chest, disappeared immediately, instead impatience took its spot. How could she not understand? I ask myself, my impatience growing as her words reel through my mind. I never asked her for anything. Never, and the one thing I asked she just throws back into my face like I was a child. Like I couldn’t understand that she could not leave me. That she had to be there for me.

But I did understand.. I knew that she wanted nothing more than to make my life as easy as possible. But that was life. There were hard aches in life, more that I could ever have dreamed of. More than I could handle. But I handle them. I handle them on my own, with others. But sometimes you just had to do things on your own. And today was one of those times. Lexi had sat through all of the many other times that I had gone to the hospital. She had been patient, and loving, the understanding sister that I loved,. But she couldn’t come today. Not today.

Like her, there were things that I wanted to protect her from. But there are only few ways that a lame person can protect the ones that they loved. I knew what the doctor was going to tell today, I could feel it. He was going to tell me that my death bed was creeping closer, at a faster rate than usual. The doctors had been so sure that they had gotten all the cancer. But I knew they hadn’t I knew it was still there, so did they. They just thought that it was hiding, that in many years that it would return. But those many years have turned into a few more mouths. I could feel it, sir, almost as if to wake up from hibernating, though my body. It was reminding me that it was still there. That I had not won. It was screaming at me, telling me that any day now it will decide it is hungry and start eating at my flesh, turning it rotten, eating me from the inside out.

“You're stuck with me now Gus, whether you like it or not...I'm...it's up to me...I'm all the family you have left, and you're all I have left. I can't let you go in alone...because I love you too much to let you deal with that by yourself." I didn’t know how to respond when her last words fell from her lips. I felt some of my annoyance fade when I realised that this is what a family meant. A family meant people sticking together. Going through hard part of life as a team. It meant going through things together. Suddenly I understood why she couldn’t leave me. It was not that she wanted to tag along on these trips, it was that she felt like she had too. She felt like she had to be the one to comfort me like a mother might a child. But she is not my mother, the thought surges through me furiously, and again my annoyance returns in my chest.

“Lexi, you are not our mother. No matter how much you want to take care of me. You will never be her. I know that you are trying your best, I really do. But sometimes there is just times when I person needs to go through things on their own.” My voice is level as I turn my eyes to look into hers, a mixture of emotions play n her face, one that are probably mirroring mine. “Lexi, I want to protect you. Protect you like you protect me. But I can’t. But I can try… and this if you come today, well I can’t protect you. I can’t protect you from what you may be told.” I pull my gaze away from hers, looking at the ground between us. “I need to protect you. I need to.” I whisper to the ground. I know I was rambling and probably making no sense at all, but I needed her to know tat she could not come today. That today I had to face this nightmare on my own.

“Please Lexi, you have to listen to me. Today is not going to be easy, not for me… and… and” choke on my words not sure how to tell her that I didn’t want her to see me when they told me that I may have to go in for treatment. I didn’t want to have to have her see me fall apart. “and I don’t’….” The words don’t fall from my lips, my sentence hangs in the air. No matter how much I pushed myself to finish the sentence, to tell her that I didn’t want her to be there when I fell apart, words refuse to come out. So instead I stare at the ground. No saying anything, my mind racing faster than I can record.


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[Anna Banana]

I could tell that my words hadn't had the desired affect on him, he was growing irritated with me. The expression on his face betrayed all his emotion, just as it always had since he was a little boy. He would think things over just like he always does, and he would draw a conclusion from everything I had said. This conclusion would probably be wrong, and he would believe that my words were no more than an attempt to baby him. While I will admit that there is a certain amount of...babying...I do with Gus, that wasn't all there was on my mind. Our family wasn't like every other family, our family was broken from the very beginning, just me, Guss, and my sister...Annie. I had always been a mother figure, I had always tried to be a source of strength for my siblings, it's why I had given up so much for them.

Once upon a time it was Annie and I that provided for the family, just the two of us, working tirelessly to support each other. Slowly though our lifestyle took its toll on Annie, and she fell into the habit of using drugs as a way out. For a while it was a secret she had kept to herself, but eventually I had found it. We had worked together to try and break the habit...but...she couldn't do it...she was to far gone...she just...gave up. I had told Gus that she had ran away, that she had been able to escape and find a better place then here, and she would come to find us. It wasn't completely a lie, the truth of the matter was she had been able to escape and find a better place...she had died. I couldn't let that happen to Gus though, I couldn't let him out of my sight, I couldn't let him...do something he would regret.

He was all I had left, everyone else was gone, and I would be lying if I said that I didn't have maternal instincts with him. I didn't trust him to make decisions, at least not decisions that concerned his health. He jumped to conclusions too easily, so ready to believe that his last day was just on the horizon. I couldn't let him go in alone, I couldn't let the doctors tell him their diagnosis, at least not the real one. It was terrible to form a web of lies, especially where he was concerned, but it was all for his own good. He wouldn't be able to understand now...I couldn't tell him now...but sometime soon, I would tell him soon. It was all for him, I did it for him...so why did I feel guilty, why was there a hole in my heart? Through the fog of my mind I heard Gus speaking, and I was snapped back to reality. I would rather I hadn't though, his words cut to my core, and sent my mind reeling.

It was the words I had tried to hide from all my life, the words I had run through my mind so many times. He told me I wasn't our mother, and I never would be. I knew it was true, I had said those same words to myself so many times, but hearing it from Gus, the one person that I had worked hardest for...it hurt me. I felt my heart tearing in two as I looked at him, his words cutting into me like no knife ever could. The pain I felt, it was unlike anything I had ever felt...or would likely ever feel again. Through the pain I heard his voice again, explaining how he wanted to protect me, and I couldn't help but laugh to myself. It was to late to protect me, I had been to hell and back, I had seen and done things that could never be unseen or undone. It was all to protect him though, and he would never be able to understand exactly what I had gone through.

I was adament now, there was no way I was letting him in there alone, he would go with me or he wouldn't do at all. Since I wasn't going to bother giving him an option that left only one thing, going in with him. Grabbing his hand I pulled him forward, talking behind my back. "I'm sorry Gus, I'm going in with you and there is nothing you can say or do that will stop me. I may not be our Mom but I'll be damned if you don't have someone in your life who cares about you. You're all I have left, and no matter what they say in there it won't make me love you any less, and it won't bring me down. You're alive and healthy, that's all that matters to me. Just you wait Gus, one day I'll get into the Games and I will make this all better. I may not be able to make you perfectly healthy or give you everything I want now, but I can make sure you stay alive and make sure that you don't regret living."

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