the run and go [noodles]

[Hayley]

In the years that had passed since she had last visited District Six, Iza had still not aged tried not to think about what she had left behind. Instead, she tried to look forward. She was always going places, doing things, and becoming more like her father each day. In his eyes, she was still his trophy child, the one that was supposed to hold down the fort while he was away. Though this was never what she wanted, she complied out of obedience for the man who gave her everything she could ever want. There was something missing, though. She had this lingering feeling that if she had stayed where she wanted and decided not to follow orders, things could have been different. Since she did not act on it, though, her life became the epitome of monotony.

For some it would seem adventurous, but she had been doing these things for so many years that she had become accustomed to them. Whether it was going to some dinner to impress people that she did not care about or traveling to some district to observe how a stupid train worked, it never felt like enough. She felt that she was better than this life. Even though her father tried to show her the ways of the family business, she could tell he didn’t really care. He was much more involved with her brother, Jermair; he was the one who her father really wanted to follow in his footsteps, not her. What he wanted her to become, she couldn’t figure out. To be completely honest, she didn’t even know what she wanted to do with herself.

Upon this realization, Izabella felt a weight fall off of her shoulders. For so long she had tried to be involved in this business she had no interest in, in hopes she could at least show that she wasn’t some meaningless kid. It took until now for her to realize that no matter what she did, she still was not going to be important enough to win her father’s favor. Besides, trying to be the best was hard work. She missed being relentlessly apathetic and not caring about anyone other than herself. Iza knew it was important to actually try at things, but at this point she frankly did not care what wanted her to do, especially her father. Of course she would still comply with most of his wishes so he wouldn’t cut her off, but she realized that she did not have to do it all. She was not the important one. She was not the one anyone was really concerned with. She had the freedom to do anything that she pleased. Iza knew what her first action would be with this newfound freedom, too. She was going back to District Six.

Using the information that she had learned over her time traveling with her father through Panem, she was starting to learn how his business worked. With her limited knowledge, Iza set out to convince her father that the rail lines in the sixth district had severely deteriorated over the past year because of overuse from transporting goods. Of course he did not listen to her and merely patronized her attempts at actually trying to be involved in something other than herself, but with the manipulation of a few key plans and hijacking his blueprints, her father agreed to travel there with her in tow because of her “major discovery”.

The first thing Izabella did when the train stopped in the center of District Six was go to find Bear. He was the one she was concerned with. After all this time, the location of his house was still ingrained in her mind. So much of her time in this decrepit district had been spent there. In the time since she had last seen him, she had passed through the district many times but never stopped. Each time this occurred, his name would surface in her mind and she would not help but think about him and reminisce. She would think about what was going on in his home or if he was even there at all. Was he out eating people or staying with his remaining siblings instead?

The moment she had heard not one, but two Keeni names announced during the reapings for the 63rd Games, she immediately shut off her television and proceeded to not watch any part of the Games that year other than to see the pair of twins during their first presentation in the Capitol. She had never met either of them in person, and Bear had only mentioned them in passing. Even though she didn’t know the twins personally in any way, it was depressing in that this was the way she had to hear the Keeni name spoken again. She could only wonder how Bear reacted.

She knew Bear would still be in the same house; he was too lazy to move anywhere else plus it was questionable whether or not he could even afford a new place to live. What had become of him was what was bugging her, though. She knew things would be different, much different, than when she had last seen him. She just didn’t know what those differences would be. These thoughts consumed her mind until she arrived at the front door of Bear’s house. For a moment, she stood and looked at the door, dumbfounded at what she was supposed to do. In all of the time it took her to get to this point, she had never felt fear, yet now it was hitting her like a brick wall. Get your self together, Izabella. There was no reason for her to fear anything at this point. She was here already; why run away? She could not think of any legitimate reason to walk away at this point, but it still took all of the willpower that she could muster to raise her hand and knock on the front door.

[semper]

bear Keeni

Teddy looks up at me with those big brown eyes of his, a large goofy grin on his face. It’s that kind of look that makes me smile. He’s already got a full head of black hair, just like Vicky’s and mine, and he’s started crawling around like some…. crawling thing, sticking his little paws onto anything he can get a hold of and chewing it up. Right now those hands are reaching up, little fingers curling, telling me he wants the stuffed giraffe I hold in my hand. It’s an old wretched thing and I don’t see why he loves it so much but I give it to him anyway, grinning once more at the little squeaking sounds he makes.

He’s nestled in a pile of blankets that I’ve set up, held up in a makeshift crib I made by pushing two chairs together and blocking off the holes under the arm rests. Pretty soon he’ll outgrow the little thing and I’ll have to find somewhere else to keep when while he stays at my house, but for now it works just fine. He seems to like it well enough anyway; he cuddles with the stuffed animal and occasionally gums on the head, matting together tufts of fuzz with his saliva. Honestly I find it kind of gross that he still rubs the thing against his face after doing all that (since it only means I’ll have to clean it up later) but I don’t bother touching it or telling him different. He can do what he wants.

Vicky would probably do differently, but under the Keeni roof our sole motto is “do whatever the fuck you want” (more or less, in a roundabout way of wording it). Don’t get me wrong, she’s a very good mother, but my morals and hers clash sometimes. She won’t let me slip tiny bits of jerky to him and she’s made me cut back dramatically on my own intake of it; I know it’s bad for me to consume the flesh of another human but honestly I don’t care. Why not let Teddy try it and make his own opinion of it? Better to start young anyway.

A knock on the door breaks my attention away from the toddler. The sound alone is enough to alert me to the fact that whoever is behind it isn’t related to me at all. Every inhabitant of this house just waltzes right in and the door is always unlocked, so who could it be? Even Vicky sometimes will just walk right in if she knows I’m here. I cast one quick look at Teddy to make sure he’s focused on that spit rag of a giraffe before I get up to answer the door, pulling it open – and immediately slamming it shut.

That face – I know that face. But no, no, she’s not here, that’s not her. The girl I know that has that same blonde hair left Six a long time ago. She left right before Lane did – she left me and so did he. But that’s not her, it can’t be; why would she come back? After all this time and not even a single word to tell me she had left in the first place?

I find that my hand is shaking far more than it really should be. Teddy is still silent, thankfully, apparently unfazed by the slamming. I quickly begin wringing my hands together, trying to work out the trembles and ultimately failing at it. That’s not her, it’s impossible. Why would she come back for me anyway? No, that’s thinking selfishly, she’d never come back for me. Or would she? I loved her – or at least I thought I did – but I also loved Lane and they both left me. (No, I love Vicky and Teddy. They’re mine now.)

Before any thoughts are processed further I jerk the door back open. She’s still standing there, looking just as she did when she left. Suddenly I’m angry. Why the hell didn’t she tell me she was leaving? It’s one thing to be avoxed and then shipped off, but she has no excuse. Nothing she can say right now will make up for all the time I thought she’d just abandoned me.

I narrow my eyes at her darkly, grumbling in a low voice. ”What the hell do you want?”

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[Hayley]

That certainly wasn’t the reaction that Izabella was expecting. Actually, she didn’t really have expectations. If she did, Bear slamming the door in her face would not have been one of them. When he had first opened the door, Iza’s mouth couldn’t help but turn into a smile. There was something kind of off, though. He was showing something that she had never seen him show before: fear. It was the way his hand was shaking. It always shook a little bit because of the kuru, but it was more violent now. Also his facial expression was just utterly shocked. She didn’t have much more time to examine him though because the door closed almost as quickly as it opened. Apparently she had startled him.

Izabella just stood there for a while staring at the door, waiting for him to come back. He always came back. He was probably just scared. She shifted her weight so she was standing straight just as he reopened the door. Bear still hadn’t changed a bit. He still had that same black hair that always fell into his eyes, and he still towered over here. The only difference was that now he was angry. An angry Bear was never a good one. While she was still staring up at him with her normal expression, he narrowed his eyes at her and growled “What the hell do you want?”. Her eyebrow rose at this question because it was completely out of the blue. Why was he so angry with her? Her first reaction was to get angry with him back, but she didn’t want to cause a scene. They were standing on his front porch, after all, and anyone who walked by could witness their exchange. It took her a while to form words because they just weren’t coming to her. She was still trying to get over the hostility that he had just shown her. It was so unusual of him. “Well it’s nice to see you, too.” she replied coldly. What a lame thing of her to say. “What the hell is your problem?” Now that response was more like her. He had no right to treat her that way. Well, maybe he did.

She was the one who ultimately abandoned him. She had the power to find him at any time yet she didn’t. Some things are simply too difficult to understand, even to her. It had started with an incident. The last time she was in District Six, there had been an explosion, somewhere she didn’t recall, and it had decimated a good portion of the railways in whatever district it had happened in. She was immediately sent back to District One, and her father spent months away fixing the problem. Because he was no longer available at her leisure, there was no way for her to return to District Six. She had never gotten to say goodbye to either of the men who she had been spending time with, and could only hope that they would forget about her. When her father finally returned after eleven months, Izabella had lost the desire to return to the sixth district. At this point she assumed that her memory was all but forgotten and that she wasn’t of importance in Bear or Lane’s lives. She was easily forgettable like that. It took Iza until now to work up the nerve to go back. This encounter was the exact reason why she never wanted to return. She had been afraid that Bear would be angry with her for a situation that she couldn’t control.

At this point she realized that she had not yet answered Bear’s question and had instead been pondering what really to say back to him. She had already been snarky, but now it was time for a real answer, but all that could come out was “I’m sorry.” She threw herself at his body and wrapped her arms around his torso. She stood there hugging him, hoping that he would accept her half-assed apology. Her two words had been saturated in genuine emotion, something that she did not do often. It was as sincere as she could get.

[semper]

bear Keeni

A look of confusion passes over those soft features of her face but I remain aggitated. Her eyes are still that same shade of brown – and I swear, if it’s ever at all possible for a color to have some snarky glint in it then that would be hers. Nearly white hair falls across her face just like it used to (before I would gently brush it away, my face hardly a few inches away from hers) and I resist the urge to push locks back behind her ear. Her voice has that same cheeky edge to it (but not when she used to whisper in my ear, oh no – a voice so sweet and melodic, as gentle as her fingertips trailing along my bare skin) but it’s only proper considering how I greeted her.

My jaw sets tightly and I quickly chase away all the memories associated with her before this point in time. (All those times where it was just her, Lane, and me all huddled by a fire late at night; those were the best nights I could have ever asked for. Then later, after Lane would leave, I still remember how chills would run down my spine as her soft lips kissed my jawline.) How could she do this to me? I thought those nights actually meant something, I thought that maybe – for once – someone set aside my cannibalistic nature and saw some weirdly normal side of me that even I can’t see. She was so much tamer than Lane was, and while I did love Lane, it was nice to settle down every now and then. Put away the knives and snarls and enjoy someone’s company, you know?

But then she, too, left.

I try to not show that all these old wounds are being torn open violently; even as her arms close around my torso it takes everything I have to not flinch or shove her away. ”I’m sorry.” How am I supposed to take that? The damage she did was done, there was no way in hell she could possibly even begin to mend it. A familiar scent of strawberries wafts up through the chilly air and I take a deep breath, inhaling it in. (On those early mornings, tangled in a mess of blankets and each other, I never once failed to take a few minutes and just memorize the scent of her shampoo.) Ever so hesitantly my arms snake around her small frame. I need to accept her apology but I convince myself that her words are hollow. It’s been so long, how can I properly believe she’s even standing in front of me when I thought she was dead or missing? She certainly feels real, her warm body pressed up against mine, but…. but…

My fingers end up balling themselves in the fabric of her shirt and suddenly I’m pulling her as close as physically possible, my face burying itself into her hair. I missed her, oh fuck did I miss her. I shut my eyes tightly and will myself not to cry, especially not in front of her. I don’t want to break down, I don’t want to whimper, but I missed her so much. I hold her as tightly as I can and fail to keep my eyes from watering. ”I thought you were dead, Izzy.” My words are muffled by her hair and it’s all too painfully evident how distraught I’ve become in a matter of only a few seconds. Perhaps “dead” was an overstatement, but it sure as hell felt like it with her vanishing. (I thought she had ended up the same way Shiep or Malachai did, or like the rest of the people I knew back then.) Ever so slowly my fingers begin uncurl and let go of her shirt. I sniff, clearing my throat some. ”Hey, I want you to meet someone.” Reluctantly I let go, leaving behind the sweet scent of strawberries, and stand back to let her inside.

I close the door behind her and make my way over to Teddy, looking down to find him gnawing on that damn stuffed giraffe. He looks up curiously and a small smile comes to my face as I see his eyes wander to Izzy. ”His name is Teddy. Hardly a year, I don’t think. Won’t ever let you take away that giraffe thing to even wash it.”

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[Hayley]

As she was wrapped around Bear's torso, she could feel his hesitation. It wasn't unexpected, but still felt hurtful. It took him a while to return the gesture, but when he finally did it was like a real bear grabbed her. They clung to each other, and she could feel his face fall into her hair. This was how they would greet each other in the old days, and she could feel all of these memories rushing back. It was like a tidal wave of emotion came and slapped her in the face. She had forgotten how tight his grip could be. Bear held her like she was somehow going to fade away into the air, and she held him the same. It took all that she had not to pull away and grab his face to lean in for a kiss. It was too soon for that. She had no idea what his life had been like since she had left, and there was already apprehension in all of his actions towards her. This hug was the first genuine expression of love that he had shown her since she arrived. She heard him say something about how he thought that she was dead, and all she could do was hold him tighter. She realized that she had caused him so much pain by vanishing, and that was something that she would never be fully forgiven for.

If it were up to her, she would have never let him go. The two of them would have stood out on his porch embracing for the rest of eternity. He was the one who had to ultimately release. Bear cleared his throat before announcing that he wanted her to meet someone. She didn't notice anyone else in the house when she arrived, but it was perfectly plausible for her just to not have seen them because of Bear's enormous frame blocking the entire doorway. Her mind wandered, though, to whom he wanted her to meet. Her first thought was that it would be one of his siblings who she had never met. There were so many of them that that was definitely a possibility. He stood back to let Izabella into his house, and she gladly walked in. The frigid air outside had been starting to get to her, and she had forgotten a coat. All she was wearing was a long-sleeved shirt and a pair of jeans. Neither piece of clothing was really the best choice of clothing for this terribly cold district.

Bear closed the door behind them and began to walk over to where the couch was. Looking around she noticed that literally nothing had changed about the interior. Everything was still in the same place from how she could remember it. Iza looked over at Bear and saw him begin to walk over to a cluster of blankets held up in between two chairs. It was the weirdest setup of anything she had ever seen, and wondered why he was walking towards it. She reluctantly followed him, wondering what was inside all of those blankets. As she walked over to the blanket fort she began to hear cooing noises, almost like...

A baby.

There was a baby.

Bewilderment flashed across her face, but Bear was all smiles. There was a baby… in his house? Wow. A small child. Of course, it couldn’t be Bear’s. Of course it wasn’t. Bear wasn’t capable of that. It had to be his nephew. Of course it was. Bear couldn’t be happy about having a child. That was it. That had to be the explanation. The child was his nephew, and nothing else. She could hear Bear saying something to her, but could not actually decipher the words. She was too busy trying to figure out this child who was now staring up at her. Izabella tilted her head and furrowed her eyebrows, looking at it. It did look an awful lot like Bear… That was because it was his nephew, though. A lot of kids look like their uncles and fathers. She reached her hand into the blanket fort, which she was now realizing was a makeshift crib, and softly stroked the child’s face. It was soft and warm, just like she expected. As she did this though, it was still pounding in her head that the child might be his, even though she had already made it up in her mind that it was not. She looked over at Bear and asked “Whose child is it?” She was sincerely curious. She could only hope that his answer was the one that she wanted to hear. There was no way that this was his child, so what was she worried about?

[semper]

bear Keeni

Izzy’s silence is unnerving. I remember how I used to be back all those years ago: I threw caution to the wind and was completely stupid, running around and doing idiotic things. (I still do but not to the degree that I used to.) Perhaps she is thinking that I still have all my old habits and that I’ve not matured any at all. I will admit that maturity is uncharacteristic of me, but over all this time things have changed. I’ve experienced more loss and I’ve gained one more reason to live. I dread going to the detention center now and I’m not raising that much chaos. This hellion has lost a lot of fire but I don’t regret it.

I look up to see that her facial expression isn’t what I was expecting. I know she’s not a huge fan of babies but maybe she’s changed, too. Perhaps she’s got a whole new view on the world like I do and it’s a much kinder and softer one. (If only she knew how many nights I spent crying over what Teddy would think of me, how he’d view me if he knew what all I’ve done.) I can only hope that she holds him with the same tenderness that I do, speaks quietly to him like I do, and loves him like I do. (I know I’ve changed, Izzy, but I promise you it’s been for the better.)

She slowly reaches out and touches Teddy’s cheek and he coos quietly like he always does, leaning into it and his big brown eyes sparking. It makes me smile that he’s already taken to her so kindly, still holding onto that damn little giraffe thing like it’s alive. Its hair has become matted with Teddy’s saliva and so I’ll have to wash it later, but for now I’m perfectly content with spending the day with these two and catching up with Izzy.

But, as for how that is going to go, that is unpredictable.

Izzy looks up at me and I can tell that she’s in disbelief. She asks me who his parents are, very curiously, but I find myself biting my lower lip. (Why am I so afraid to claim him as mine?) I shouldn’t be – he’s mine and Vicky’s, our own flesh and blood, and he’s all I can think about. I love him, he’s mine, he’s absolutely mine and I’m not afraid of that. I take a shaky breath and look her dead in the eyes. I try to read them, see what emotions are swirling back behind those lovely irises, but I can’t figure it out. I know she’s curious but that’s about it. Is she mad? Stunned? Frightened, even? No, I doubt she’s frightened. That’s stupid to think.

I look back at Teddy, watching as he turns his gaze from her to me as I speak. ”Mine,” I finally say. He stares blankly at us. ”He was a mistake, really, but he’s the best damn mistake I’ve ever made.” I hope she understands and realizes that’s why I’m suddenly so cautious about everything now; everything I do will inadvertently hurt Teddy and I’m not about to be the deadbeat dad that mine was. I will always be here for Teddy no matter who or what shows up at the door, including Izzy. It almost hurts to say it but it’s true – I’d choose Teddy over Izzy in a heartbeat but I won’t tell her that. ”I lost you and Lane and Shiep and everyone, but now I have him and I’m sure as hell not about to lose him too. He’s all I have.”

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