All the [pain] of {yesterday} [Kiah]

[kousei ♚]

Cyrus Castillo

Gosh I hate my past.

I hate everything about it, except for one thing, Otis. But everything else I hate it, and the worst part is that it'll never leave me alone, no matter how hard I try to forget somewhere, somehow the past will come back to catch up with me. And more often than not it's in my sleep, and it's times like this when I hate the very notion of sleep itself but we all need it. Every human needs sleep to survive but all it does it bring back memories I don't want to remember. No matter how hard I try he always comes back to me. Even now it still hurts and I refuse to remember, but no matter how hard I refuse it still happens anyway.

In my dream nightmare I'm in a dark room all over again and it's so vaguely familiar, it sickens me how familiar it is and how it feels normal. This shouldn't feel normal to anyone but it feels so normal to me, it feels too normal. I hate it, I hate everything about this, I just want to break down the walls with my bare hands, with my fists like how I solve everything, my fists. But my fists aren't going to solve this are they? In the dark room I'm crouched in the corner all over again, doing nothing, just crouching and waiting, but while waiting I'm dreading for the door being opened again because I know what will happen.

Why couldn't we have just been left in peace.

I try to call out my sister's name but no sound can escape my voice. For all those years I never had a voice. I never had a voice because nothing I said, no matter how much I wept or begged my voice would never be heard. And then the door opens and the man I see in front of me is the man I hate. The man I refuse to call father looks down at me, I don't look him in the eye, I only look at the floor and hope this is all going to go away. But if never did go away, I could never make it go away. I want to attack him, I want to beat him down with my fists like I do to anyone else.

But I can't. Why won't he leave me alone? I feel so defenseless. He looks at me and doesn't say anything, he's almost nothing but a shade who will ruthlessly destroy anyone in this room. I try to call out to Otis again but it can never happen, I had no voice back then. I can't rely on my sister for everything in real life so I wouldn't be able to rely on here for everything in here. But it hurts, I want to fight back, please let me fight back. Don't let me die here. I don't know how I'm feeling pain here but I am, bones breaking, bones fracturing.

Please let me fight back.
Please let me fight back.
Please let me fight b-

I wake up with a howl of pain, pain that was only my imagination and my body drenched in sweat. My clothes are sticking to my skin and my wet her is darkened and in strands. The small wooden place that we live in is in the forest, no one would ever hear me. But I can't think straight, I roll off my bed and onto the cold hard floor. I could never fight back because I was helpless. I didn't want that, I never wanted that, Otis never wanted that.

And yet it still happened.

Narrative
"Speech"
Thought

[/justify]

[k!ah]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=CellPadding,0,true][atrb=CellSpacing,0,true][atrb=style, width: 500px; padding-left:10px; padding-right:10px; background-color: 090a0a; border: 242424 solid 0px; width: 500px; height: 181px; padding: 0 0 0 0px; border-radius: 0px 0px 0px 0px;][atrb=width,300] Main[322836] Thoughts[87805A] Speech[B8B36E] My speech[E3DF8F]

[/color]

I don’t sleep- no not know, not often. Sleep is not my friend- only an acquaintance, one that I visit only when necessary. I sit on the edge of my bed, my fingers playing idly with the frayed martial of my one and only blanket. I have had this blanket for years- my whole life really. Well the part of my life worth counting, the part where I actually got to live, the part of my life worth remembering, worth telling. With a sigh I kicked my shoes off my feet and slip under the delicate cover of the blanket, my head hitting my pillow with a small thud, my hair flowering out around me. I don’t close my eyes, I don’t want to close them… When I closed them I was thrown into darkness, a darkness that I created- but darkness never the less. I hated darkness, I feared it. I was afraid of it, afraid of what it means; afraid of everything that lurked within its depths… Darkness has never been a friend to me, it only hide the monsters that waited, waited for their chance to strike.

My heart begins to pound, beating faster and louder in my small chest. All I can hear is the racing boom boom boom of my heart beating. I try to take deep breathes, I try to forget what hides in the dark- telling myself that I was safe, that he wouldn’t get me here, no one would. But no matter how many times I reassured myself, my heart- my body, my soul, my mind- refused to believe it. I could feel the fear climb through me, like a weed, growing fast but steadily up the brick walls of my insides.

Once again a sigh catches my lips and I throw the blanket that I sort comfort from to the side, my feet coming down to a halt on the dusty wooden floor. I don’t stop there though. I fling myself off the bed, my feet racing out of the room until I am in the room that we used as a place just to sit and relax. My legs were weak, my face covered in a thin layer of sweat. My eyes bloodshot. I needed to sleep, I needed to allow myself to be taken away on the magical train that would deliver me to a place where I would be happy, to a place where the light shone brighter than needed, to a place where there was no locks, no small wooded rooms- no, there was open fields, there was freedom.

The thought of freedom made my heart ache and I try to banish it from my busy mind, my hand racing to message the pale skin of my temples. Then I am falling to the ground. My knees hit first, quickly followed by the rest of my fatigued body. I just needed some sleep. Some sleep to make me strong again, to be able to continue on with this life of mine. My eyes burned, and they begged me to let them rest for a while- even if it was just for a few moments. But I was scared, scared of the places that hide behind the red flesh of my eye lids. I didn’t want to be scared- no I wanted to be brave, I wanted to face my fears with courage… but I couldn’t. I was so scared… so very scared.

A scream fills the air and my body bouncing to life. Cyrus.

It only takes me a moment to climb to my feet, a renewed energy surging through my exhausted limbs as I stumbled down the hall and into the room of my brothers. Instantly my face softens and A soothing sound escapes my lips. “Cyrus? Cyrus, it’s okay, it’s okay,” I reassure him, my unsteady feet carrying me towards his bed. I crouch down beside it, my hands finding his where I hold them tight, “Are you okay? What’s wrong?” My voice is gentle as I look into his wide eyes.






[/size][/blockquote][/justify][atrb=CellPadding,0,true][/td][/tr][/td][/tr][/table]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=CellPadding,0,true]

[/td][/tr][/table][/center]

[kousei ♚]

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. I simply sit there, drenched in my own sweat, breathing in and out rapidly. My blue eyes are wide open and searching the room for any threats, but we all know I'm really searching for him. I can't speak, I don't want to speak, I'm just breathing rapidly as my eyes scout the empty room around me. I don't know what to do next, the truth is I'm too afraid to go to sleep, I'm too afraid to try anything. I don't like to admit it when I'm afraid despite spending most of my life in fear, I hate this, I just hate it.

I'm afraid of this never ending cycle of pain, I either take the pain or I either inflict the pain. I hate this cycle but I still must endure this cycle of pain if I am to be happy. Isn't that sad? Enduring pain for your own happiness. I thought happiness came without a price, I was wrong. I thought that when we escaped, with just the two of us I would never have a single worry in the world again. And yet he is still there, why is he still here? Why won't he go away?! I want to run, not run away from here but I want to run away from him, I want to run away from the destruction he caused to my mind. The pain still lingers like a disease.

Sometimes I wonder if pain is just a never ending disease that could never be stopped. It can never be stopped because people always inflict it, despite people not liking pain we still inflict it on each other. But people deserve it, sometimes violence and pain is the only way forwards. I want to collapse but I don't want to sleep, I want to rest but I just don't want to sleep. Anything but the sleep.

Because as childish as it may seem the darkness seems to be creeping up on me like an assassin, ready to slit my throat.

I look around, fear painted across my features and my hair covering my left eye when suddenly I hear a creak and the door swing open. He's here, he's come for me, but I'll fight him, I'll fight back. I refuse to let that person monster get me, I was Cyrus Castillo and I would not die! But Cyrus still feels fear. My heart drums against my rib cage as the door swings open and I realize that it's not him, he hasn't come to get me, he doesn't know where we even are.

Otis!

I'm still sitting on my bead, drenched in sweat and the shirt I slept it is sticking to my torso. But I'm still frantic about what's happening, the nightmare is still fresh in my mind and I'm afraid something bad is going to happen, my wide eyes are still locked on my sister's figure as she tries to reassure me.

“Cyrus? Cyrus, it’s okay, it’s okay,” "I-I-It is?" I stutter as I back away a little bit, still afraid. She crouches down beside me and she grabs my hands! I clench slightly but then relax quickly, Am I finally safe? But then I realize, maybe I was always safe. “Are you okay? What’s wrong?” She asks me.

My words stumble and trip over each other as they try to escape the confides of my mouth. "H-he came f-for me. H-he k-killed me. I-I saw him, I-I felt it." I quickly explain, my voice frantic and my words quick, I really can't believe what I'm saying, I know he killed me in that dream. "I-I couldn't fight back O-otis. H-he was too strong. I-I couldn't move. I couldn't save myself. I was helpless!" I say again. My muscles relax themselves and I feel my tongue slowly getting looser and more relaxed.

But then one question crosses my mind.

Are we truly free?

Narrative
"Speech"
Thought

[/justify]

[k!ah]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=CellPadding,0,true][atrb=CellSpacing,0,true][atrb=style, width: 500px; padding-left:10px; padding-right:10px; background-color: 090a0a; border: 242424 solid 0px; width: 500px; height: 181px; padding: 0 0 0 0px; border-radius: 0px 0px 0px 0px;][atrb=width,300] Main[322836] Thoughts[87805A] Speech[B8B36E] My speech[E3DF8F]

[/color]

I look into his face, sweat covered the skin on his forehead and I could feel my own heart break for him. Most of his life he was there, hidden away from the real world, just like me. Yes, maybe I had spent longer locked away in that hell hole, but Cyrus, Cyrus was still a boy, my boy and it killed me to see his body tense with fear, his eyes wise as the nightmare still hung fresh in his mind, in his heart. His hands clench mine tightly for a moment and a soothing sound once again escapes the barricades of my lips as I look down on him, my eyes shining with concern. "H-he came f-for me. H-he k-killed me. I-I saw him, I-I felt it." His voice rose as the words tumbled from his lips in one huge rush and I climbed onto the bed next to him, my hand sliding into the damp hair on his forehead. "I-I couldn't fight back O-otis. H-he was too strong. I-I couldn't move. I couldn't save myself. I was helpless!"

“Cyrus it is okay, your safe here, safe here with me. I would never let him hurt you, not again.” I whisper into his hair as I moves o that I am lying beside him, so that his head could rest of my chest, my arms holding his shaking body tightly. I didn’t want him to dream of him. I wanted Cyrus to be safe, safe from everything about him, the man who ruined our lives- the thought and the physical being of the man. But there was only so much I could do, only so much I could protect him from, no matter how much I fought- I would never be able to get the man out of Cyrus’s thoughts, I couldn’t. It wasn’t up to me, it was up to him… But until that time I could hold him, tell him it was going to be okay- promise him that I would protect him, protect him with my life.

I hated seeing him like this, and it took all I had not to run out the door and find the man and take his life. I knew that was just a thought- I knew that I could never do that- take someone’s life. I had seen enough- endured- enough violence for a whole lifetime and more. I couldn’t- I wouldn’t allow myself to inflict more. I used words, that’s how I fought, how I won my battles. Some people say that words were just that: words… But they weren’t. Words were power, something that was stronger than force, stronger than so much in this world- and I knew how to use them.

“It’s okay Cyrus, you are safe now, safe here with me I promise.” I whisper once more. There was only one person that I would use violence for-to protect- and that was Cyrus. I would do anything it took to protect him, even if it did mean inflicting pain on another. He was my life, and I had to protect him from people who wanted to hurt him. I hold him tighter letting the warmth of my body comfort him. He wasn’t shaking anymore, and I smiled slightly, my lips parting as my cheeks creased with the small indent of dimples. “It’s okay, your safe here. Go to sleep now, close your eyes, you can’t get hurt. You are stronger than him, I know it. He is nothing, nothing but a piece of shit. You are stronger than him, I believe in you” I whisper once again, my hand glide rythmatically through the blonde curls of his fringe. “I believe in you.”







[/size][/blockquote][/justify][atrb=CellPadding,0,true][/td][/tr][/td][/tr][/table]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=CellPadding,0,true]

[/td][/tr][/table][/center]

[kousei ♚]

Otis looks into my fear ridden face with obvious concern and worry, that's one of the many things I love about Otis, we care about each other deeply, deeper than a normal brother-sister relationship, there's a genuine care for each other, when I look into her eyes I see a genuine need to keep me safe, I see genuine love (in a sibling way of course) and need to keep us safe. We've been keeping each other safe since day one and I guess this is just one of the weaknesses Otis has to hold my hand through despite how weak I look and how weak I feel. She'll still be there for me. My body is still drenched with sweat and I can hear the thudding of his fists meeting my body.

But then Otis begins to reassure me, to try and put my shaking and fear stricken body at ease. “Cyrus it is okay, your safe here, safe here with me. I would never let him hurt you, not again.” She whispers soothingly into my ear. My head starts to rest on her chest, an attempt to calm me down. It seems to work, however I'm still afraid, what if he does find us? What if I'm powerless again? I was completely paralyzed and I died, what if he kills me? Or worse what if he kills her? Sometimes it's hard using your fists to defend yourself. What if that happens? What if I can't move again? What if he dominates me once again until I find myself as nothing but a mangled corpse at his feet? What if there's no Otis to defend me?

This very thought process begins to make me hyperventilate , breathing in and breathing out, moving at a quicker pace because I'm beginning to panic, the sweat begins to run down my face and onto her chest but she doesn't really same to care, she just cares about me and making me safe. I know seeing me like this must be killing her and worrying her so much, because she cares. I need to calm down, why can't I calm down? Why can't my sister's words soothe my wild mind? But luckily I begin to stop shaking, slowly stopping and slowing down because I know I need to clam down, not just for me but for her sake as well. I need to banish him from the inner depths of my mind.

“It’s okay Cyrus, you are safe now, safe here with me I promise.” She whispers to me again, I take a big gulp one more and look up at her. "Y-yea."I manage to get out, I am safe aren't I? Together, each other, with each other we're just fine right? However I don't smile or relax completely but my quick hyperventilating has finally stopped, I can finally relax because I know he won't come for me again. I hope. I smile weakly to her as she whispers in my ear once again. “It’s okay, your safe here. Go to sleep now, close your eyes, you can’t get hurt. You are stronger than him, I know it. He is nothing, nothing but a piece of shit. You are stronger than him, I believe in you”

I can do this, I know I can do this, I shouldn't be scared, I shouldn't be fearful, I can fight against him. Why should I let him dominate my life? Her hand then begins to run through my blonde fringe, rhythmically soothing me, one swipe at a time. “I believe in you.” She says and I allow myself a grin. "Y-yea. Thanks Otis,"I say quietly as I allow my hands to rub her back. "He definitely won't come back I guess. It's just impossible to forget y'know? He's just always in my mind, sometimes I think he'll find us, he's always in my head, he's impossible to get out of my forget.

Narrative
"Speech"
Thought

[/justify]